Hi. I’m Caitlin. I live in Chicago. I got this text the other day.
I bet you didn’t know it, but L.C. lurves emoticons. For reals.
Let’s just get one thing straight. I don’t really like clowns. The only clown I can stomach is Pennywise and that’s only because my best friend and dearest darling, Stephen King created him. I tried everything to work through this aversion to white-faced, forced smiles. I even took “Clowing” in 4-H when I was a kid, where I developed a character that spent the bulk of her time feather dustering trees. It was performance art, dammit. Anyhoo…I’m not a fan of clowns.
I do, however, like Eric. A lot. So when he said he Le Clown was going to brave the Chicago Snowpocolypse of 2013 and come see me, I guess I was kinda’ happy about it.
See that big red arrow pointing to Chicago? Ain’t snowbody got time for that!!!!
Be careful…it’s a trick.
See that guy up there in those red circles? That’s Tom Skilling, the 2nd most famous person in Chicago*. I wasn’t sure if they had WeatherCelebrities in Canada or if there was just a running ticker at the bottom of televised hockey games that told them whether to wear fur or flannel that day (that’s going to be my only offensive Canadian stereotype joke…probably), but I was pretty sure the only reason this particular clown was paying me a visit this week was to experience all the weather…at once…in the home town of the greatest Meteorologist that ever lived.
There’s so much to watch.
As it turns out L.C. didn’t give two shits about Tom Skilling and just wanted to come to Chicago to watch TV with me. Imagine my astonishment when he arrived at my door, arms heavy with snacks, clad in Star Wars pajamas and Basil slippers ready to take Chicago My Couch by storm. He came prepared. He was probably a Rover Scout or something.
We spent the first hour or so fawning over each other’s brilliance and getting to know the person behind the blog since this was the first time we had met in “real life.” I’ve had numerous dreams where KJack and I were hanging out with Sara, Eric and the rest of their brood, but this was totally different because in my dreams L.C. has a Jamaican accent. His actual accent (think Tim Curry…with a Jamaican accent) took some getting used to, but it didn’t matter.
He wasn’t here to talk
Before we got down to our activities he did express some interest in visiting the birthplace of Harrison Ford. He sounded super excited but I can’t really understand him when he talks. Something about being a big fan of Regarding Henry I think. I showed him a Google map of Park Ridge with a childhood picture of Ford and his dog. He seemed satisfied with that. 
“Where’s Sara?”
“Seriously? I come all this way to see you…my very first time in Chicago…I packed my most adorable pj’s and brought you snacks and all you can say is ‘Where’s Sara?’”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m super totes glad you’re here and we’re going to have the most fun………..where’s Sara?”
“She’s at home. This is about ME! ME! MY TIME! WHEN LORD IS IT GONNA’ BE MY TIME?!?!”
“You have a lot of rage. Let’s calm the beast with shitty television.”
“D’accord!”
We started at the beginning (a very good place to start) and watched 1 ½ episodes of 2 Broke Girls. Half-way through the second episode (I think it was about how Max had to make a bunch of cupcakes in a really short amount of time for an event Caroline coordinated and then something wacky happened and then someone kissed a boy and then someone made a joke about a penis), I went out to smoke.
“Can I come?”
“You want a cigarette? Sure.”
“No, I just want to watch.”
“Ok…that’s not weird at all.”
“J’accuse!”
“Calm down I’m not judging you. I love you.”
“J’adore!”
“That’s better.”
One time, a few years ago, I spent two weeks in Moscow and no matter where we went, when people found out we were from Chicago a glimmer of recognition would cross their eyes and then they’d respond with “Da! Al Capone! Michael Jordan!” Eric was kinda’ like that although he was grumpier and smelled more of grease paint and less of vodka.
“You know Gillian Anderson smokes.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Oui.”
“Cool.”
“She’s from Chicago. Do you know her?”
“Yes. We’re best friends. We put on giant red shoes and throw pies at each other while we smoke Marlborough Reds and honk each other’s noses.”
And that’s how Le Clown died. His head exploded.
I kid. He’s fine.
“Eric, you know that Vince Vaughn* is usually found wandering about the city. He smokes too. I bet he’d let you watch him smoke while he leans up against the outside of a dive bar trying to look cool while his douchebag entourage bullies everyone in sight.”
“Non, merci.”
We went upstairs and continued to watch television until we’d watched it all. We watched 90210 and L.C. couldn’t figure out why these teenagers owned bars and were having babies and didn’t have any parents either. We watched Survivor and we both wept when that one guy everyone hates won immunity. We watched Face Off, which was particularly exciting for L.C. since he does his own make-up everyday. We thought it would be fun to pretend we were having our own challenge and try to use our combined skills to create a fantastic and amazing work of creature effect art, but we were full from eating all the snacks and decided to take naps instead.
When we woke up, I had a message from KJack saying that it wasn’t very nice to have a new friend in a new city and not at least take them out to see something. He suggested we come by the shop, he had something to give Clown. L.C. agreed, but mostly because I told him we were going to a comic book store. We arrived via bus, train and feet. I vetoed the cab as when you’re with someone as magnificent as Le Clown, you show that fucker off!
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!…..wait….I’m nerdfused.
We almost didn’t get inside ‘cause when we got there Darth Vader and some other dudes were standing in front. L.C. peed his pants with joy and then used the Force to move them out of the way so we could get his presents.
KJack has nose envy.
By now it was super late and I thought we should get back because L.C. looked tuckered out. He’d had a big day. Before we left, I asked him if he wanted to look around downtown for Oprah. Maybe she was outside smoking or something.
And that’s how CJack died. Le Clown killed her for mooshing something he loves with something he hates.
I kid. I’m fine. But seriously, don’t fucking bring up Oprah around this guy. Shit.
You do know Poppy’s going to beat you to death with that when she realizes you took it, right?
When we got home, we headed back to the couch and ordered a pizza. Since it was L.C.’s first time in Chicago and we’re famous for our deep dish pizza, we ordered from Pizza Hut. Because that just makes sense. I hadn’t practiced my ukulele in three days ‘cause of all the prepping and planning for L.C.’s visit, so I suggested we have some music time. Since L.C.’s a super-hipster and I’m a hipster-in-training we played some She & Him, Fun. & Death Cab For Cutie and then we played the theme song to X-Files Downton Abbey Downton X Abbey Files. It was rad.
We finished our evening watching the Great American Classic Lifetime Movie, Liz & Dick, starring the darling of stage courtrooms & screen prison, Lindsay Lohan. No stranger to crap television and a huge fan of Mean Girlz, Clown was super stoked.
“J’ai mal”
I think that meant he really loved it.
The next morning he bid us adieu and disappeared into a cloud of purple smoke.
Because that makes sense.
Come back soon, Eric Le Clown L.C. Friend.
I miss you already.
Bring Sara next time.
You loved this post didn’t you? There’s more of me over at Come On, Mr. Sunshine.
For reals.
I used to clown too, and yes, for 4-H. I even painted faces at my state fair one year in full clown regalia. That’s some crazy shit right there! Oh, and smoke one for me too, because I miss cigarettes every fucking day since I quit two and a half years ago…addiction at its finest!
Posted by Fat Bottom Girl | March 2, 2013, 08:34I’ll smoke ‘em up…until I come to my senses and quite like I should.
Posted by CJack | March 2, 2013, 10:03…Who’s more famous than Tom Skilling here? While you were down that way by the comic book store, I hope you and Le Clown went to went to the Panera on the corner of Michigan and Madison. It may seem like any old Panera, but it’s actually the mecca for happiness and dreams.
Posted by Katie | March 2, 2013, 08:34Oh Vince Vaughn, of course! For some reason Skilling is repeatedly tortured by Garry Meier every day by telling him that he’s only the 2nd famous person in Chicago. There may have been some sort of pole done, but I hate V.V. so I’m not sure if they only asked douchebags for their opinions. I’ve never been to a Panera…perhaps that needs to change.
Posted by CJack | March 2, 2013, 10:05Caitlin,
Le Clown thanks you for this magnificent™ tour of Chicago. There’s still some bitterness as to not have bumped into Gillian Anderson, but Billy Corgan’s ego being a threat to Le Clown’s safety, you did good by sheltering me from the danger. Gillian, we will find you… One day.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 2, 2013, 08:42Did I forget to tell you I’m friends with a dude who played on tour with Billy Corgan? Hmmm…that may have actually been a more fun thing for you to do while you were here. My bad. Also, you’re welcome.
Posted by CJack | March 2, 2013, 10:06Caitlin,
This was the best, trip, ever, even if there were no Scully.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 2, 2013, 10:07ooh: fumando gillian! fumando …
Posted by betunada | March 3, 2013, 22:07I hope he liked FaceOff…
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | March 2, 2013, 08:42He totally did. Don’t let him tell you otherwise.
Posted by CJack | March 2, 2013, 10:07Le Clown, I hope your time in the Chi was magnificent! Sorry you couldn’t catch Gillian this time around… Next time you visit, you could at least say hi or something. I was waving like a monkey across the street from that comic book store…Guess you didn’t see me. Oh well… Que sera sera.
QC
Posted by Quirky Chrissy | March 2, 2013, 10:13Quirky Chrissy,
I’d like to visit again… Would you show me around if I make it say… around July, to see Chicago in the Summer..? And perhaps we will have time to organize a way for me to meet Gillian?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 2, 2013, 10:15Le Clown
Absolutely. I’d love to show you around! Chicago is beautiful in the summer, you know. I’ll see what I can do about Gillian. She’s a tough cookie to crack.
QC
Posted by Quirky Chrissy | March 2, 2013, 13:16You were in the Windy City? I thought I detected the smell of greasepaint in the air that day!
Posted by happyzinny | March 2, 2013, 11:20Deadly Nightshade,
Do you know Gillian Anderson? Why couldn’t we find her?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 2, 2013, 11:27I think someone must have tipped her off!
Posted by happyzinny | March 2, 2013, 12:07Next time you return, you need to see glenbrook high school in northbrook (that is if you ever return and want to see it). It is the place where they filmed the end of the breakfast club. Glad you had fun in chicagoland!
Posted by 1jaded1 | March 2, 2013, 11:341J1,
Really??
Caitlin, you have failed Le Clown!!!
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 2, 2013, 11:40If I had taken you to every place a beloved 80′s movie was filmed we would have never watched all that TV. It’s a football field, you’ll live. I can Photoshop you there just as easily as I did to you on my couch. Lurve you. I gotta go Gillian is on her way over.
Posted by CJack | March 2, 2013, 11:54Caitlin,
But. But. John Bender!!!
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 2, 2013, 11:55It just gives you a reason to come back….watch the movie…see the place where it happened…compare.
Posted by 1jaded1 | March 3, 2013, 01:23What about that shiney bean thing? I liked that best of all of Chicago.
Posted by Scintillatebrightly | March 2, 2013, 13:24Scintillate Brightly,
I like shiny things!! Why wasn’t Le Clown shown shiny things?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 2, 2013, 17:25I didn’t take him to The Bean because I thought seeing his head reflected in a giant silver thing would just maximize his ego to the point of explosion. I was protecting the city.
Posted by CJack | March 4, 2013, 23:26Caitlin, too bad you didn’t find Gillian. Oh, where or where did she go?
Posted by The Bumble Files | March 2, 2013, 14:50Amy,
Do you know something we don’t?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 2, 2013, 17:25It’s a shame, but better for everyone involved, I think. It may have become…messy.
Posted by CJack | March 4, 2013, 23:27Wow Caitlin, that’s some hardcore effort you’ve put out here! Nice job! Very clever post.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | March 2, 2013, 16:54Dawn,
Sometimes I get a little sad inside that Caitlin’s isn’t more read, as she’s funny as shit.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 2, 2013, 17:03Don’t be sad. People are terrified of my brilliance. It happens.
Posted by CJack | March 2, 2013, 18:40Thank you much!
Posted by CJack | March 2, 2013, 18:39Why do you people keep letting him into this country? Don’t we still have a terrorist watch list? What do I pay taxes for. If he ever comes to my town, I will pop a cap in his ass… no… that isn’t a ‘gay’ thing… not that there’s anything wrong with that… that is how we South Cal gangsters talk. Word.
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 2, 2013, 20:06Are you one of those ‘South Cal gangsters’ who also say, “Ooo what lovely tree blossom,”; “I’ve just got to book an appointment with the proctologist,” and; “No I won’t sit in the beanbag if you don’t mind, I may very well not make it out alive.”?
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 2, 2013, 21:51I never said that last one…
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 2, 2013, 22:30In all fairness no-one says that last one; they just look at the beanbag, shake their head an exhale loudly, remembering years gone by when there was no such thing as an involuntary grunt.
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 2, 2013, 22:54I never liked them even when I was young.
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 3, 2013, 10:28They spoke highly of you.
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 3, 2013, 17:33Because they got to spend quality time with one of my finest features.
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 3, 2013, 20:02Oh my…..I’ve just come to (my spelling is correct).
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 6, 2013, 18:46???
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 6, 2013, 20:13I passed out laughing and have only just regained consciousness…I was not suggesting that I’d gone through the same physical release as your beanbag.
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 6, 2013, 20:27No happy ending???
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 6, 2013, 22:04I love you man, but you’re not my type.
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 6, 2013, 22:20I am everybody’s type.
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 6, 2013, 22:42I don’t know why I bother writing these replies if you’re not going to read them!!!!!!
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 6, 2013, 22:44sorry
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 6, 2013, 22:48I can’t stay mad at you.
x
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 6, 2013, 22:51You better not.
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 6, 2013, 22:52That’s that problem solved then…..just out of interest, what would happen if I did continue to stay mad at you?
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 6, 2013, 23:13It would just hurt us both…???
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 6, 2013, 23:14Yes…..yes it would…..and the hordes of people reading this thread!!!
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 6, 2013, 23:19Some of them like it…
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 6, 2013, 23:23The majority are quite weird….
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 6, 2013, 23:25I can neither confirm nor deny
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 6, 2013, 23:29HAHA! Look at that one though!!!
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 6, 2013, 23:42Be nice.
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 7, 2013, 01:09But he’s dressed like a clown!!
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 7, 2013, 01:19Like you never do that…
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 7, 2013, 11:22I like, never do that…but I have sculpted a few out of plasticine.
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 7, 2013, 18:30I paint them on velvet.
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 7, 2013, 18:59And then take the velvet underground?
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 7, 2013, 19:33Well Papa was a rolling stone…
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 7, 2013, 21:55Both the Mama and the Papa were…
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 7, 2013, 22:26Not Grandpa… he was being eaten by beatles.
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 7, 2013, 23:36But then they threw him up in a dusty spring field.
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 7, 2013, 23:50But he is grateful to be dead… ha
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 8, 2013, 00:33Because then he could join the zombies…
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | March 8, 2013, 00:56ok
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 8, 2013, 09:45Next time, invite Fox Mulder and then me.
I don’t care that we’re not from Chicago. And I don’t smoke.
Posted by Lyssapants | March 3, 2013, 00:35Lyssa,
Fuck Hank Moody.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 3, 2013, 12:25Uhh…I’ll pass on the message?
Posted by Lyssapants | March 3, 2013, 18:08I more a Mulder girl myself….I liked him on The Red Shoe Diaries. It was like sexy X-files.
Posted by CJack | March 4, 2013, 23:28Only with more soft core porn and less aliens.
Posted by CJack | March 4, 2013, 23:29X-files WAS a sexy X-files!
Posted by Lyssapants | March 5, 2013, 00:52Good point!
Posted by CJack | March 6, 2013, 13:17It sounds like a stumble to remember… In spite of the lovely Sara’s absence, that is!
Comics and Le Clown.
It doesn’t get much better.
Or stranger.
Posted by The Hook | March 3, 2013, 12:42Golly, Le Clown, you’re getting everywhere!! Just like the common cold. (I could have put something else but decided I’d best keep on pretending I have a sense of decorum.)
Faith Xx
Posted by faithhopechocolate | March 3, 2013, 15:52Faith,
I like to think that I am more like herpes myself.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 3, 2013, 21:13That may have been the particular infection I was originally thinking of, but I couldn’t possibly comment! XX
Posted by faithhopechocolate | March 4, 2013, 08:37This was a magnificent post and I’m kinda wishin I could book it to Chicago too.
Posted by Cupcakes And Hoodies | March 3, 2013, 17:13Cupcakes and Hoodies,
Caitlin is indeed magnificent™. Next time I’m Chicago, I’ll write your name in the snow.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 3, 2013, 21:17Thank you much! Chicago is magnificent as well. Come over!
Posted by CJack | March 4, 2013, 12:25I use to watch X files when I was a kid
Posted by ProSona | March 3, 2013, 18:47My favorite episode was when Kathy Griffin played twins! That and the one Stephen King wrote.
Posted by CJack | March 4, 2013, 23:30señor payaso: hay tantos, no, demasiado aqui. Es posible que los payasos-menores quienes sequir vd. no tienen tiempo por algo mas. ¿ quienes son las policia del cerebro ?
Posted by betunada | March 3, 2013, 22:15I found myself doing a Jamaican Tim Curry out old just now. That’s funny as hell, I can definitely envision the Tim Curry inflection!
Posted by Adam S | March 4, 2013, 06:44Out loud, not out old……..
Posted by Adam S | March 4, 2013, 06:45Now sing “Sweet Transvestite” with it. It’ll change your life.
Posted by CJack | March 4, 2013, 23:23You were right. I’m a transvestite now…
Posted by Adam S | March 5, 2013, 17:47You’re welcome.
Posted by CJack | March 6, 2013, 13:18I love the Downton X Abbey Files theme song. I could listen to that all day.
Posted by Michelle Gillies | March 4, 2013, 16:11When I first started watching Dowton I thought I was going crazy…then I found that mashup and was vindicated!!
Posted by CJack | March 4, 2013, 23:22That picture at the bottom was the best thing I have seen in at least thirty minutes since I watched that YouTube video of a llama who sounds like Peter Griffin.
Posted by becca3416 | March 5, 2013, 13:35Holy shit. There’s a YouTube of a llama talking like Peter Griffin?!!??!
Posted by CJack | March 6, 2013, 13:17