[This post was inspired by The Bumble Files' Guys, It's Your Turn to Talk.]
I wish I could start this post by offering you a great story pertaining to the reasons why I wanted to write about very large peens: I was walking with my daughter when we bumped into a monstrous penis wearing a fedora hat, or I saw John at the party and I couldn’t hear a word he was saying as his ginormous dick was yapping away about pope Benedict the Sith … Alas, I was watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2, I got bored, and I started thinking about penises, very large penises.
EVEN POSTCOITAL PENES HAVE MORE LIFE THAN KRISTEN STEWART
So I think about penises… you got me. Truth be told, I have one. It took permanent residency between my legs, and I am reminded of its existence each time my 3-year old daughter kicks me in the groin: Papa cries when I punch him in the nutsack—I am powerful, I shall do it again. If all children were like my daughter, the human race would have died eons ago, at the break of dawn (see what I did here?)… but that is food for thoughts for another blog post. Back to the penis.
While I was watching Twilight, and its slew of idiosyncratic inconsistencies (Renesmee Cullen grows an inch a day, and speaks Victorian English like your average middle class American, but Grandad Charlie Swan isn’t bothered, even though he met his newborn granddaughter a few days back when she was only the size of a clumsy CGI baby…), my ADHD mind pulled an Oscar Pistorius on me, and killed any remaining desire to watch sparkling vampires. Instead, my mind sprinted (…again with the cleverness) toward the stimulating world of pornography, and the very, Very, VERY large penis—not Ron Jeremy‘s 9.75-inch penis, but Jonah Falcon‘s 13.5-inch giant redwood. I cried, a little… in imaginary pain.
I’m not one to sit and watch an actress with hentai size breasts being pounded by a one-eyed monster the size of the Big Dipper… but I will watch Twilight (…shut up). My inquiring methed-out-humming-bird-ADHD mind wants to know, my Carnies: is bigger really better? how big is too big? how small is too small? Women, men: don’t fear your husbands/spouses’ reactions: they will only thank you for your honesty. How’s that for kicking Monday’s blues right in the balls? I know… Clever.
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, THE TALLEST FREE STANDING STRUCTURE IN AMERICA ISN’T IN NEW YORK.
ADDENDUM: Just don’t like this post. Grab your gonads of adamantium, and make a comment. There’s nothing taboo about the size of a penis, trust Le Clown.
The Sequoia national forest is really a burial ground for ginger Jews. Buried on our backs, hence “red wood.”
Posted by Kyle B. | February 25, 2013, 15:46Kyle,
………………..Drift wood.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 16:20I’d say it’s mostly the motion of the ocean that matters, but of course size has to play somewhat of a part. I got lucky in both departments! Woohoo!
Posted by Nicole Marie | February 25, 2013, 16:12Nicole Marie,
Look at you being all poetic, and stuff… Big stuff, that is.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 16:17you got lucky in both? so then you have a large one AND you know how to use it? congrats! that’s talent!
Posted by rich | February 25, 2013, 16:36Le Clown,
Although I don’t have a preference because I’m not homoseksual, I’m happy to be above average. I know how to use it and guard it with my life. I am sorry for any below average carnies that come across this message, but I’m sorry. That would suck. Why the fuck did you tell me to read this…and why am I posting this comment. Is this what you were looking for?
Posted by Adam S | February 25, 2013, 16:14Adam,
You came here on your own accord. Shame on you for blaming your presence on me. Good on you for being happy about your manhood.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 16:16Le Clown,
Fuck you!!! hahaha!
You are the manliest man of all men.
Adam
Posted by Adam S | February 25, 2013, 16:17Adam,
Thank you for the compliment.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 16:19I can’t stop laughing!
Posted by Adam S | February 25, 2013, 16:19Aren’t you ever so happy now that he’s not homosexual.
Posted by TAE | February 25, 2013, 22:44Set up!
Posted by Adam S | February 25, 2013, 16:17my ex and i were together 17 years (11 married) before splitting up. shortly after she got a new guy, she asked if we could possibly get together occasionally in bed. i told her to get lost. she then said she didn’t realized, until the new guy, just how “good” i was, and she complained about how small he was. that turned into a very enjoyable day.
Posted by rich | February 25, 2013, 16:40Rich,
Was it Tom Cruise, as I heard he needs to wear heels in order to be taller than Brad Pitt.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 16:41can’t be tom cruise because i’m sure she married a guy.
Posted by rich | February 25, 2013, 16:53A peen is like a fine wine: some don’t appreciate it until someone else is drinking it.
Wait…
Posted by Jen and Tonic | February 25, 2013, 18:16too late
Posted by rich | February 25, 2013, 19:07Hooray for big cocks!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 25, 2013, 19:38hahahahahahaha
Um, well, it’s really all about individual fit. There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to this discussion
Posted by Kylie | February 25, 2013, 17:03Kylie,
All tastes are in nature, sort of thing?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 17:13Sure, sure!
Posted by Kylie | February 25, 2013, 17:36I’m a true believer of it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean. I’ve been with men of all sizes. I have no shame to tell a man, babe, you’re gonna have to find other ways to please me. Bigger is only better if there is chemistry and passion. Men who are larger do brag the most and they have a cocky attitude. Humble bragging, all talk and no action most of the time. This post made me remember an old saying “once you go black, you never go back.” The myth that brothers are bigger and therefore bigger is always better. But if you can’t find the keys to my ignition, it doesn’t matter how big you are. I find that men use size as an ego boost. I need more than size. If you love the person you’re with, it’s only the size of your love that counts at the end of the day.
Posted by Lady Lovely | February 25, 2013, 17:32Lady Lovely,
As always, a very thoughtful, and loving reply. It must be the Canadian air you are breathing,my dear friend.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 07:32As a small-breasted man, I have always fought the battle of the mind that is “over-compensation”. I mean, there are only so many ways a pec-deficient dude can swing those tassels to make his lady forget his lack of seksi man-malia. As for the subject in hand (See what I did there?), I do believe there is a perfect fit for everyone. Even for a man who’s Goldmember may or may not have been named after the wielder of a certain 16th century, Academy Award winning Claymore.
And yes, I totally agree that CARING is the truest indicator of potential sexual satisfaction. That and an extensive library of how-to books from the ’70s and ’80s.
Le Vendredi (Friday)
Posted by Bill Friday | February 25, 2013, 17:45Question: when you take off your underwear, do you yell “FREEDOM!!!!!!”
Posted by Jen and Tonic | February 25, 2013, 18:39Jen,
Hey you two… That’s enough. Thank you.
DaddyLe Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 18:41Oops. That was meant for our cybersexing chat box. My apologies.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | February 25, 2013, 18:46I do. Sometimes louder than others.
Posted by Bill Friday | February 25, 2013, 19:05Le Vendredi,
You’re American, and you haven’t referred to le pénis as a gun, or a weapon. I feel cheated.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 07:33I think size does matter a bit. But it doesn’t matter if a guy is a useless at using it anyways. Who wants a 10inch horse sized penis being thrust at them in the fashion of a drunk guy who can’t actually see what he is doing or remember how to do it?! I’d rather a 5/6inch guy who makes me forget my name I think LOL
Posted by The Real Mummy | February 25, 2013, 17:47The Real Mummy,
Our kids are reading this, and laughing: “Cock sizes? HAHAHA? Haven’t we made sure they wouldn’t have sex EVER again”??
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 18:24Le Clown,
I am glad my child is reading this with such an ignorant mind. Surely it means I have done something right as I think the same about them?
Furthermore, they should be reading this and wondering what it is even about…
The Real Mummy
Posted by The Real Mummy | February 25, 2013, 18:43The Real Mummy,
Fine, be all serious and stuff.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 18:45Le Clown
That is me at my least serious and most ignorant.
Sorry that you didn’t get it.
The Real Mummy
Posted by The Real Mummy | February 25, 2013, 18:56Le Clown,
Might I offer some cougar perspective? Would a lithe cougar (e.g. me) rather catch, gnaw on and eat a grand stag or a dirty little field mouse? Obviously the stag is more challenging and satisfying, while the dirty little mouse only has the tremendous ability to reproduce going for it.
Cougar votes buck. Every time.
If this analogy is confusing to you, try and stop thinking with or about your dick for a second and give your head a shake.
Denmother
Posted by denmother | February 25, 2013, 18:12Denmother,
Last time I watched a nature show, it was Animal Kingdom with Lorne Greene… I had to google what a stag was… And compare it to the polar bears we have in Montreal, and finally understand that a stag is much, much smaller…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 18:17Although I’ve heard legendary rumours about Lorne Greene….
Denmother
Posted by denmother | February 25, 2013, 21:30I like Clown penis.
Posted by saradraws | February 25, 2013, 18:18Sara,
Le Clown is happy that he got a lullaby from you, and not a lament.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 18:20I have been reading so much about vaginas lately that this was a nice break from the harps and flutes that enter my brain whenever I do such reading. Penae are underrated. No matter the size. Peen, I salute you. But please don’t salute me back.
Posted by The Waiting | February 25, 2013, 19:12Emily,
I think I’m all peened out… My best comeback was about an AC/DC song title… My wit is limper than a 107-yr old vampire tonight…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 20:00Say no more; I totally understand. This reminds me of when my post about my glasses got Freshly Pressed. By the end of the whole experience, I could not muster an ounce of care about why everyone who read it also loved their glasses. There’s only so much to say.
Posted by The Waiting | February 25, 2013, 20:25David Bowie’s pants on Labyrinth = Wowsers!
Posted by Monk Monkey | February 25, 2013, 19:17Monk Monkey,
Did Dexys Midnight Runners play on Labyrinth?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 25, 2013, 19:19Yes – they performed from inside Bowie’s pants. (Hence his overly active and lip synching package.)
Posted by Monk Monkey | February 25, 2013, 20:35Where the fuck are the gay guys weighing in?
I want to know how this translates when we are talking in terms of ass action.
Hooray for dicks!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 25, 2013, 19:46Tracy, I’ve worked with a very talkative one (a long time ago), and to paraphrase he said that smaller is often better, because of, you know, the size of the backdoor.
He also taught me this great word sequence: “No cock is as hard as life”
Posted by TAE | February 25, 2013, 22:52Tae,
I’ve got a posse of gays, and they love to talk about sex. There are some guys who seem to dig the horse cock, which makes my upper lip sweat.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 26, 2013, 07:54If it can’t fit in my mouth, it is worthless. If it only hurts my ass and can’t be used in a pleasing manner, it is worthless. If I ask “is it in”, a tongue is better, the microcock is worthless. BUT give me an average size that works magic and I will be in lust/love.
Posted by theperfectslave | February 25, 2013, 20:28The Perfect Slave,
By your gravatar, I’d say you’re an expert, right? Cause images are never deceiving. Therefore, I believe everything you right.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 07:30I read so many comments, I forgot what the fucking question was. Something about dicks, and vampire movies based on Wuthering Heights
Posted by mabukach | February 25, 2013, 22:32Mike,
If you build it, he will come. That is all you need to take from this post.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 07:20Not dick vampires?
Posted by mabukach | February 26, 2013, 08:04Mike,
….I won’t stop you, if that’s your kick.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 08:21Only on Tuesdays, after 4
Posted by mabukach | February 26, 2013, 08:38Le Clown,
I would wax poetic, but should I do that and appear like Hotspur, or not, and have people know my epic-ness is not made of wax? I defer to your expert penile knowledge.
L’ Rants
Posted by BrainRants | February 25, 2013, 22:53L’Rants,
There has been a lot talk about this post, maybe, maybe too much talk. This post is not a rebel post, this post is…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 07:23Ok, I know I’ve gone missing and all that but I have to say during my time away I have collected my share of cock shots from would be suitors (stalkers, rapists??) Anything over ten is quite possible the most frightening thing I’ve ever seen. What is one to do with a peen the size of a battering ram? I can tell you, they don’t even peek my curiosity much less my desire. No! Thank! You! I prefer to be able to use my glorious yaya again without losing any ability to feel the average men that may follow. That is all.
TWTG
Posted by thewhitetrashgourmet | February 25, 2013, 23:55TWTG,
You see, you were gone for awhile, but you slipped right back in, as if you’d always belong here. May I be the first one to welcome you back… Viva la pene.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 07:25Le Clown.
Gosh, it’s been such a long time since I’ve seen one but I think all (adult) penises are amazingly beautiful. I used to love looking at a fully functioning penis. But back to the question of size: for me, because sex always started in my brain, size didn’t really matter. If the prior conversation was good I’d be almost there anyway so it wouldn’t take long for me to reach nirvana. My husband only had to start reading to me in bed and I was ready to go off like a firecracker. But like the above comments, if the guy didn’t know how to use the whole package, mind, body, voice, hands, mouth, etc., and only knew how to do the ‘wham, bang, thank you ma’am’ then my vagina put out the “Not Open” sign.
My first husband had an average size penis but didn’t have a clue what to do with it, nor did he have any understanding of how a woman’s body worked and didn’t want to know. Hence, he became an ex-husband. Whereas, I had a one night stand with a guy who was hung like a horse but he knew how to use it and motioned that ocean without hurting me once, all the while whispering exactly what he was doing in my ear. Made my toes curl!
Thank you, Le Clown and everyone who commented, for this interesting conversation. It brought back fond memories of my very active and happy sex life. It warmed the cockles of my heart, so to speak.
Tez
Posted by Tez | February 26, 2013, 02:31Tez,
Welcome on A Clown on Fire, and thanks for chiming in! My husband only had to start reading to me in bed and I was ready to go off like a firecracker.: There’s a French movie called La Lectrice, with Miou Miou, about a woman who will read to men in bed, as sexual playfulness. From your comment, I have a feeling you might enjoy that one!
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 07:28Do you live on a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise cocks.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 26, 2013, 10:13Tracy,
Is that your best cock joke? Now, please share with us your best penis knock knock joke…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 11:44Knock knock
Who’s there?
Euripides
Euripides who?
Euripides trousers coz your cock’s so big
Do I win a prize?
Posted by Jem | February 26, 2013, 18:29Jem,
You’re the one who scared Lysistrata’s women away.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 26, 2013, 18:30It’s times like these I wish I were better read. There’s no excuse, I have a built in book stand after all.
Posted by Jem | February 26, 2013, 18:49I’d like to thank Sara for drawing such a proportionately representative (?) size chart. And your post made me laugh, Le Clown.
Asia is a large continent with many small bits. That is all.
Posted by iRuniBreathe | February 26, 2013, 12:15send the architects here!!!they are pouring money into all sorts of ugly buildings that look like train stations instead of…. i dunno, what were they supposed to build?
anyhow, winter is over, everybody is less horny so we can tolerate it without humping each other or trying to climb it and……….yeah its that bad…
Posted by lyxia | February 27, 2013, 18:00Le Clown,
I’m a little late to this game, just behind in my reading wasn’t trying to stiff you.
That’s all I got.
Nice one big guy!
Maggie
Posted by Maggie O'C | February 28, 2013, 20:10Maggie,
You’re a late comer I see…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 1, 2013, 06:43And now is the part where I can’t think of a snappy retort and go back from whence I came. So to speak.
Posted by Maggie O'C | March 1, 2013, 12:06Thanks for the shout out.
Posted by jonahfalcon | March 1, 2013, 18:26Jonah,
Thanks for your giant penis.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 1, 2013, 18:3013 1/2″. Now that’s what I call horsecock.
Posted by tracy fulks | March 1, 2013, 18:43Hi, Jonah? You’re my hero.
Love,
Lauren
Posted by La La | March 1, 2013, 18:44You’re a fine, fine specimen, sir.
Posted by Madame Weebles | March 1, 2013, 19:15Mr. Falcon, it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Posted by Sandee | March 1, 2013, 19:17Mister Falcon,
Let’s say for a second that I was a dude. Now let’s say that I was a dude with a 13 1/2″ dick. I seriously doubt I would be using my face as my profile pic.
You’re welcome, and I think I love you.
Tracy
ps
I have a 2 7/8″ vagina.
Posted by tracy fulks | March 1, 2013, 19:43Ha! I don’t really know how I’d go about measuring a vagina… Sticking a ruler up there seems uncomfortable?
Posted by GiggsMcGill Jill | March 10, 2013, 15:49Welcome, Jonah. I love that your Twitter bio says you’re a “MOSTLY average guy.” Cheers to that.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | March 1, 2013, 21:10That is a huge cock. It scares me and nothing scares me.
Posted by trjensen | March 1, 2013, 21:21Penis?
What’s a penis?
Never seen one!
Too thin and too small is plain creepy, just saying.
Posted by Doggy's Style | March 5, 2013, 09:39