I wish I could start this post by offering you a great story pertaining to the reasons why I wanted to write about very large peens: I was walking with my daughter when we bumped into a monstrous penis wearing a fedora hat, or I saw John at the party and I couldn’t hear a word he was saying as his ginormous dick was yapping away about pope Benedict the Sith … Alas, I was watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2, I got bored, and I started thinking about penises, very large penises.
So I think about penises… you got me. Truth be told, I have one. It took permanent residency between my legs, and I am reminded of its existence each time my 3-year old daughter kicks me in the groin: Papa cries when I punch him in the nutsack—I am powerful, I shall do it again. If all children were like my daughter, the human race would have died eons ago, at the break of dawn (see what I did here?)… but that is food for thoughts for another blog post. Back to the penis.
While I was watching Twilight, and its slew of idiosyncratic inconsistencies (Renesmee Cullen grows an inch a day, and speaks Victorian English like your average middle class American, but Grandad Charlie Swan isn’t bothered, even though he met his newborn granddaughter a few days back when she was only the size of a clumsy CGI baby…), my ADHD mind pulled an Oscar Pistorius on me, and killed any remaining desire to watch sparkling vampires. Instead, my mind sprinted (…again with the cleverness) toward the stimulating world of pornography, and the very, Very, VERY large penis—not Ron Jeremy‘s 9.75-inch penis, but Jonah Falcon‘s 13.5-inch giant redwood. I cried, a little… in imaginary pain.
I’m not one to sit and watch an actress with hentai size breasts being pounded by a one-eyed monster the size of the Big Dipper… but I will watch Twilight (…shut up). My inquiring methed-out-humming-bird-ADHD mind wants to know, my Carnies: is bigger really better? how big is too big? how small is too small? Women, men: don’t fear your husbands/spouses’ reactions: they will only thank you for your honesty. How’s that for kicking Monday’s blues right in the balls? I know… Clever.
ADDENDUM: Just don’t like this post. Grab your gonads of adamantium, and make a comment. There’s nothing taboo about the size of a penis, trust Le Clown.