Do you know what you are? / You are what you is / You is what you am / (A cow don’t make ham…) / You ain’t what you’re not / So see what you got / You are what you is / An’ that’s all it ’tis
—Frank Zappa, You Are What You Is
I’m in a rut. I don’t visit these parts of my brain often. I like to think that I can flick the switch off when I’m running on the fuel of anxiety and existential ennui. I’ve been out of commission since early January, with a bad back, which I neglect, and have neglected for the last 15 years. I don’t hear well either, nor can I read a prescription bottle, and occasionally, my right shoulder bothers me. I suspect I will neglect all of the above for the next five lives. Usually, I can shut that switch off… unless I’m lying in bed, bored, with a bad back: then I’ll flick the lights on and off repeatedly, and pretend that the walls of my room come with an epilepsy warning label: flick the lights at your own risk, like I am playing Russian roulette. It’s amusing.
I’ve been reading author/blogger/speaker/cutie Julien Smith lately. In his latest post, Julien writes about planning daily goals, tiny and large ones, from smiling at a stranger to flossing his teeth, “it helps keep me cheery and motivated to do more“. Julien has his act together, I like to read him for that reason. While on bed rest, I’m attempting to set myself small(er) goals: put on PJs, make myself coffee, sit in the living room, write a post, write a longer post, read, get better one day at a time. Realistic goals which I cross off my checklist, even when the back isn’t collaborating. Do my best today, do better tomorrow, be the best in a few weeks, set myself new goals, be better than my best… It’s exhausting. Today, I want to slow down and pamper my grey matter: think less.
I am in bed, in pj’s, drinking coffee, reading an email:
LinkedIn also sent that to 20 million other users. So be it. But it reminds me that when I am not lying in bed, sulking about the state of my aging body, I’m pretty damned good at what I do. I’m a web marketer, a successful one: I make you need stuff. Chances are, you own a mobile phone. I’ll convince you that it’s time to get a replacement handset, that yours is so yesteryear. I write clever ads, with shiny pictures, and wait for my bonus check: Good job, Eric, we’ve exceeded our target, best quarter yet, have a cigar. I’m dangerous, keep your wallets away from my ads. What do you do when you are so very good at something, but despise that very same thing in which you excel?
You assess your skills and ponder a career change. I’ve been trying to dissociate myself from marketing from the time I’ve met my wife. Yet, I fall back into it… We have great perks in marketing, our offices are splendid, we believe in happy hours, we have many, many conferences, we listen to speakers—not all nearly as interesting as Julien Smith—often treated to the same speech rebranded in the speaker’s colours, and supported by a sharp PowerPoint presentation which you will find a week later on Slideshare, we mingle and exchange business cards, add ourselves on LinkedIn, perhaps even on Facebook, and hashtag our excitement on Twitter.
Could I work for a brand, a product or a cause that I believe in, i.e. destigmatizing mental illness, green living, attachment parenting, Art, not for the bottom line, but for the greater good of all? I was recently approached by an internationally-renowned artist to build a social media campaign to promote the man and his craft, but we ended up butting heads and egos, and we couldn’t even get past the simple process of defining the campaign’s raison d’être. It ended up being a disaster, but it was the closest I came to finding happiness in my working field. Have I lost faith in social media?
How does one sustain a family on a broken back, and on his hopes of finding happiness in work? This is my not so tiny goal of the day: find a career that will appease my mind, and feed my kids. My therapist once told me: “Your fascination with Darth Vader, a man wearing a mask, and your life as a web marketer where you make a career out of embellishing products, isn’t random. You’re in make-believe land. You took the blue pill. Find what really makes you happy. Remove your mask”. Today, in pj’s, while sipping on a third coffee, having moved from the bed to the couch, I can say that my family brings me the most joy, and blogging, even when I wear Le Clown’s mask. So my question is: how do you become the person you want to be while pursuing what you love? Or is the answer in my question?
I think a big part of the answer is being open to what comes next. I love my work as a designer, but I want to sell my art. I have no idea how to get there, but I started making time for my own work everyday. I press on hoping to find the path by taking steps.
Posted by artsifrtsy | February 14, 2013, 21:50L’Artsi,
Are there pics of your art and/or designs on your site(s)?
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 15, 2013, 12:03The eff stop is my photographic journal and I am working on some watercolor projects spawned by that. My day to day work is for a faith based t-shirt and accessory company. I manage 5 designers and work on jewelry castings quite a bit. We do everything from our own catalogs to web graphics. There are things I am proud of and things that are necessary – but it is creative work.
Posted by artsifrtsy | February 19, 2013, 21:22Oh my goodness. Here I am again reading all these educated individual’s replies to you re; being a happy camper at what you do for a living. Some insightful advice, some praising how very good you are in the job that brings in the bacon, etc.
I can’t give you advice but I can tell you about my own experience of working within my educational boundaries. I stuck it out on a job that paid well and that I knew assured me of receiving a retirement check that was a sure fire thing unless the US falls apart and then I’ll be screwed along with millions more who worked or served within the the US government. Sometimes I hated my job and sometimes I felt a great deal of satisfaction. I worked at the same job for not quite 35 years. Now I am elderly and have the ability to engage in activities that I enjoy. However, now I have an adult child that needs my help and thus far I have been able to help her. She has a sort of rare arthritis that has caused much pain both physical and emotional related to having to give up her career as a vet at which she was very good. It has caused depression for both of us but of course her depression is on-going. She is tormentd by the fact that perhaps her illness will not go into remisssion and that she will never work at something that was “second nature” to her. But since I have a decent retirement I can help her and together we paid for her home.
My reason to write my own story is merely an example of having the money when it was and will be needed. God williing she will get a government disabilty check which will help out in the long term.
So , even though I would have preferred becoming a pro pet photographer I knew there was no long term money involved so I kept the secure job. For that I am grateful. One never knows what will come down the pipe line in life.
However, this is only my life. Staying with something that you utterly detest probably is not a good thing. On the other hand sometimes you can figure out how to dabble in something else while you continue with your present job. I can only say that I wish you much luck and success at what ever you choose to do.
Now I have to say that I was wrong about the person who you were trying to guess was helping me with my blog. For some reason I thought you might know her as Ms Weebles for this lady refers to herself with odd and peculiar names. It is not Ms Weebles. You asked this lady to write an article to go in one of your blogs. As far as I know she has not written the post and she said she did not give you a time frame.
One other thing. How does one get permission to use a You Tube video to put on a non-commercial blog? I don’t want to get into trouble. I love the cat Henri Le chat video. I’ve been a fan of the young man (Braden) who created Henri. I figured that you of all people would know.
Please excuse my rambling and long comment. I am just an bag of nonsense. I hope there are not too many typos and misspelled words.
Regards,
Yvonne
Posted by petspeopleandlife | February 14, 2013, 21:54Yvonne,
Our common friend must be Elaine Billings, right? Her post will be on BBW on February 22nd! She’s a great person.
As for YouTube, you can just add the share link to your blog without getting in trouble. If it’s on YouTube, it’s made available to all to share… Trust me on that!
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 16, 2013, 09:42If you posed that question to yourself a year ago what would the answer have been today? Are you getting closer to where you want to be?
Ask yourself the same question in a year’s time. It will be fascinating to read what you say. You have the ability to make things happen so you have a massive headstart (bad back or no!) on most people. But too much intraspection will only hold you back. FORZA!
Posted by gingerfightback | February 15, 2013, 09:40Ginger,
So good to see you! Here’s how I do things… There is always a reassessment of where I am, where we are as a family, and where we want to individually, as a couple, and so on. I once told my therapist I was hoping to have a year of nothing, to have no plan. She explained that making goals, and walking towards them brings a sense of fulfillment.
Personally, it’s been the same goal professionally for the past five years. And for the past five years, I haven’t been listening to myself: I keep on falling back to a well-paid marketing job which leaves me lukewarm. And the more I take these jobs, the less I feel motivated and satisfied, and I’m realizing lately that by doing so, I’m doing just par at work: I haven’t done my best work in years, unless it was for Movember back in 2010. So here I am taking all of that, and planning a much better future for my family and I… FORZA my friend!
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 15, 2013, 09:46Good stuff and FORZA indeed!
Posted by gingerfightback | February 15, 2013, 11:58Stay the course.
I’ve always assume Le Clown is Eric and vice versa, just as Robert Hookey and The Hook are one and the same. You’re going to be just fine, my friend.
Posted by The Hook | February 15, 2013, 10:48The Hook,
My name is Legion: for we are many, or something like that…
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 15, 2013, 10:49Are you announcing your intention to overtake society?
If so, I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth…
Whatever your name is.
Posted by The Hook | February 15, 2013, 10:53Eric,
The world’s good causes need your abundant talents. I’m finally settling into doing what I love and getting paid for it but I sure as hell took my own sweet time about it. do you volunteer? You could volunteer your services to causes you love and eventually they will want you to do it for reals!
congrats on the linked in thing, that’s a big deal and I am in no way surprised
xo
Posted by Maggie O'C | February 15, 2013, 14:40Maggie,
Volunteering is something I have considered… It’s again a question of time, and priorities. I could approach non-profit organizations with the reputation I have without volunteering… Again, I need to act, move, and walk towards where I want to go today.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 15, 2013, 14:51Get Googling!
Posted by Maggie O'C | February 15, 2013, 14:54You mean I have to work at being happy? I’m happy without working at it. I just do what I love to do and don’t think about it. Seems simple enough to me . . .
Posted by robincoyle | February 15, 2013, 14:40Robin,
Some find happiness easily, which is great… And kudos to you for being able to find solace in your daily life.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 15, 2013, 14:47Solace isn’t the right word.
Posted by robincoyle | February 15, 2013, 14:50Robin,
Peace, happiness, content, joy, Pee-Wee Herman.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 15, 2013, 14:53That’s it. Pee-Wee Herman.
No, actually, I like to think of my daily life as cozy. A warm hug.
Posted by robincoyle | February 15, 2013, 14:54Robin,
A wonderful feeling.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 15, 2013, 14:55I’m not being completely honest. I had a “gotta dig down deep to feel happy” day recently. I don’t think you stopped by this “from the heart” post I did the other day.
http://robincoyle.wordpress.com/2013/02/11/me-an-adoring-daughter/
Posted by robincoyle | February 15, 2013, 15:03I wish I knew what I wanted…
Posted by Soul Walker | February 16, 2013, 02:31Soul,
How about a chocolate bar?
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 16, 2013, 09:38Eric,
I will meditate on that.
-Soul Walker
Posted by Soul Walker | February 16, 2013, 15:44Eric,
You are written a beautifully honest and difficult post that asks some tough questions. What is it that you really want out of life? I think you know, deep in your heart, because you’ve said so. You know what you really want. You are devoted to your family, first of all. They are most important to you. Your health is important to you. Your writing is important to you. You know where your priorities lie. You have sorted through the mess and come up with realities. This was a touching piece, Eric. Bless you.
Posted by mairedubhtx | February 16, 2013, 09:11Mary,
Thank you. It was a post that came out very easily. And you’ve summarized it well… Knowing what’s important, and ultimately what makes me happy, it’s to learn and continue to walk towards that direction, with certainty.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 16, 2013, 09:36For some reason, this didn’t come to my inbox, Eric. Glad I went looking; it’s a kick ass post. I think this rut is something a lot of people can relate to. Personally, I’ve written several- too many- rut/stuck posts recently, as I grapple with the nature of happiness, satisfaction, feeling stuck.
The drive to feel satisfaction, passion, motivation, is critical, I believe. When you are a creative person, which clearly you and many of us bloggers are, it’s painful not to feel some passion and connection to the things we do. It’s not enough to bring home some bacon. Even if bacon is always good, it isn’t always the end all and be all. It’s no mystery to me why so many of the great creative people in history have been so tortured. Cutting off ears and committing suicide are a stretch, but I see how they get lost in the first place.
Hang in there. I hope you’re able to figure out a path that fits all of the needs you feel. Taking care of your family, is clearly top priority, but I think you are clever enough to figure out a way to find more joy in the doing of that. These honest, deeper posts really resonate—help me feel less insane, in my twisty turny head.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | February 16, 2013, 14:53There is definitely an answer to your question in your question. But sometimes it’s a big scary step to start that journey. For me, the scariest thing was contacting the first community I visited to ask them if I could visit them. Then, the next scariest thing was when I’d found OHP, asking to join. The next scary thing was getting all my stuff sorted. Quitting work wasn’t scary, oddly enough. After that, the next really scary thing related to asking to be clothed as a novice, and then the clothing ceremony itself.
Some days the scary thing is that I wake up happy to be here, even though sometimes I’d happily do in the occasional Sister.
Take the time you’ve been given – see it as a gift – to be working out how you can combine peace of mind with your skills.
With love and prayer, as always! Xxx
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 16, 2013, 15:49Faith,
Much appreciated, as always. To me, you took a great step towards happiness, and something that meant a great deal to you… I can understand the back and forth, but your goal remains the same. I commend you for that.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 17, 2013, 17:42And thank you, L’Eric, for your insight too, and your encouragement.
Do you remember the Bible story about Jesus walking on the water, and Peter says to him “if it’s really you, tell me to get out of the boat” and Jesus says “Peter, get yourself over here” and then Peter finds himself walking on the water (until he then is an idiot as per usual, takes his eyes off the “prize” and starts to sink)? Well, I reckon at this point in time, you’re sat in the boat of your career thinking “do I stay here where it’s safe and I won’t drown, or do I get out of it to do something bigger and better?”
The only person who can answer that is you. It’s up to you to make the decision about whether you need to get out of the boat, and when you should get out of it. Don’t let anyone else push you out of the boat, and don’t let anyone pull you out of the boat.
Does that make any sense?
Faith Xxx
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 20, 2013, 14:43Honest. Beautiful. And yes, that is the answer. You become the person you want to be while pursuing what you love. It is an inevitability. The words aren’t working for me. But you have to be all in, play for the whole stake, give of yourself completely and leave the fear as a memory only. Trust.
Posted by Ruby Tuesday | February 16, 2013, 19:27Ruby,
Thank you… Yes, trust, it seems about right. Sara and I took our little family out of time this weekend, to get a bit of perspective on our options…. We’ll walk the path, our path…
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 17, 2013, 17:17I have to say I’m not surprised you’re in so much physical pain while you’re struggling with such a shaky foundation. Working for a paycheck, absent of heart, can be quite unsettling. It is obvious you have great talents, but are torn between supporting your family and being true to yourself. Instead of trying to get people to buy things they don’t need, get them to give their money to people in need. I’m always a sucker for ads that play on my heartstrings. I wish you all the best in fusing the person you want to be with the person who’s happy doing what they love.
Posted by jeanjames26 | February 17, 2013, 17:03JeanJames26,
I’m always happy to read you, your comments are always well thought-of, and very appropriate when it comes to the attached post. Only this week have I started thinking about my back pain and my current situation, and it’s started with Cathy’s comment on this thread… I think you’re both right. And yes, I’d much rather work on an ad to raise awareness on a cause that is closed to my heart… Thanks, again.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 17, 2013, 17:06“I remember Tu Tu, I remember Tu Tu, they had a swimming pool”,,,Also Zappa. I wish I had something wise to say in response to your post, Le Clown, but I’m drowning in my own Olympic-sized ocean of disappointment and regret and going down for the third time. What I will offer is please, please, don’t wait too long. Speaking from experience.
Posted by "HE WHO" | February 19, 2013, 10:29Uggh, Le Clown, have you figured it out yet? I’d really like to know the answer.
Posted by Jill Pinnella Corso | February 19, 2013, 12:01Jill,
Indeed… But if I’d tell you, I’d sound like Yoda, and something about doing and not trying…
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 20, 2013, 06:39That’s what I was afraid of. There’s no shortcut.
Posted by Jill Pinnella Corso | February 20, 2013, 11:52L’Eric:
I often read your posts and never comment because there is so little I can possibly say. However, this one caught my eye. One thing I’ve learned recently is this: if you are not doing what you love, you will change, whether you wish to or not. We always seek equilibrium, like water, and so if you’re questioning this but nothing is changing, then perhaps you are where you ought to be. You’re an excellent blogger and storyteller, and you sound happy to me, for what it’s worth.
Also, may I find you on LinkedIn?
-L’Rants
Posted by BrainRants | February 19, 2013, 12:07L’Rants,
It’s always a pleasure to read you, and see you here… And new gravatar too… You look more… hydrated? We are at a pretty good place, as a family, and myself as an individual… And with me, there’s often a need of reassessment, to figure out where I am, and if my choices are really giving the fruits I was hoping (the last sentence is a literal translation from a French expression, you’ll have to apologize its clumsiness). Thanks for your valuable input, friend.
As for LinkedIn, by all means: ca.linkedin.com/in/ericrobillard/
L’Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 20, 2013, 06:46L’Eric:
I laughed at the “rehydrated” comment – you’re sharp as ever. Glad to know you’re not having serious self-doubt.
L’Rants
Posted by BrainRants | February 20, 2013, 07:31You can do it. You can do. You can. You.
Posted by Burns the Fire | May 5, 2013, 10:19