Le Clown asked me to write “something funny” for his blog, because his back hurts and he’s a big baby clown on bed rest and Dilauded. I thought clowns were supposed to have bones made out of balloon animals and breathed helium and shat glittery gumdrops and rode unicorns? Boy, was I wrong. Apparently, clowns are flesh and bone, and when their backs hurt, they need more than Skittles to make them all better. Again, My Life Of Disillusionment.
I’m going to tell you about the crazy fucking dream I had last night.
It was all thick oily blues like being underwater…it was like being in a wet painting and i just kept dragging through it, getting lighter and lighter until I surfaced where is was all yellow and airy.
Suddenly, I was eating a hotdog at Fenway park with James Earl Jones. Then, Pad Mei died while giving birth to our twins, Luke and Leia. Right at the end, I was a werewolf running through the streets of London but oddly humming to myself the following song… “I’m a pepper, you’re a pepper, she’s a pepper, we’re a pepper… Wouldn’t you like to be a pepper too…..”
Next thing you know, I was Meredith Baxter Birney and I was carrying 427 red balloons, and then my arms fell off and flew away with the balloons and I just stood there watching them. I then log-rolled down a steep hill into a ravine filled with stuffed unicorn embryos. I ate as many as I could before Willard Scott carried me off into the sunset, on his Segway.
I was greeted in a grassy field by Elaine from Taxi finally wearing a bra and making a rotisserie chicken in the Set It And Forget It Oven. Then Adam Ant yells at us from across the infomercial stage “don’t drink, don’t smoke… What do you do?” and I was instantly on the transporter platform of the USS enterprise while wearing Sergio Valente jeans and Bert Jones jersey. Dr. McCoy, who is actually Whoopi Goldberg from Ghost, reads my palm and calls me Sam Wheat.
Finally, I ran into Dick Van Patten who was wearing a Tapout hoodie and jeans with white stitching, he told me that eight wasn’t really enough, so I high-fived him, in the face. Suddenly, Morley Safer sits me down and starts configuring my hair into a Topsy Tail™ while I sing Love The One You’re With 37 times then we hug for a really long time and I look down and realize that I don’t have pants on and Howie Mandel is squirting me with hand sanitizer.
And Le Clown is the one on Dilaudid?
If anyone would like to take a stab at analyzing this dream, I will happily brew myself a pot of very strong coffee and soak in your analytical takes, while Le Clown reorganizes his spine.
Tracy,
Is it mushroom season, or did you just lick the wrong stamp?
Red
Posted by SocietyRed | February 6, 2013, 07:16I think it might have been the right stamp.
Posted by Kelly | February 6, 2013, 07:33Kelly,
This is my SOBER brain. Good lord.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:07
Posted by Kelly | February 6, 2013, 14:06I second that. Fulks, just say no. Unless whatever you’re buying is really good stuff. Since you said yes, and based on all of the above, it musta been some good stuff. Good call.
Posted by Adam S | February 6, 2013, 18:05I always say no, unless it’s a 6’4 man with a penis the size of a vine ripened cucumber. Then I always say yes.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 20:06Fulks, the expression, “throwing a hot dog down a hallway” comes to mind…
Posted by Adam S | February 6, 2013, 20:24You’re so sweet.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 7, 2013, 11:21Red,
New developments in the Life and Times of Tracy Fulks…putting my brain on overdrive apparently. That, and the shrooms.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:04I think maybe it’s that poutine FINALLY working its way through your system. But your dream quite clearly predicts an Abba reunion tour.
Posted by happyzinny | February 6, 2013, 07:30happyzinny,
holy SHIT! THAT’S IT! It must have been caused by all of my intestinal sculptures.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:06Somebody keeps passing out from too many Xanax martinis while late night TV is softly sobbing in your ear…Hint: Set the sleep times before the third glass!
Posted by nicky301 | February 6, 2013, 07:35nicky301,
the funny thing is…that I’m a sober ass motherfucker! A side effect of which is apparently remembering my dreams, that in itself is a trip.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:09What the Fulk? That was all one dream?? I’m blaming, um, I blame, errrr…I blame your mother. Freud always blamed the mother. I think he had mother issues.
Posted by Addie | February 6, 2013, 08:22Addie,
I’m blaming Freud himself, asshole.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:10I would need my therapist if I tried to analyze this dream. It is too fucked up for me.
Posted by mairedubhtx | February 6, 2013, 08:56mairedubhtx,
I need a therapist to analyze your username.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:11Simple…you’ve been watching too many reruns and Star Trek/Star Wars episodes.
Posted by Cathy Ulrich | February 6, 2013, 09:06Cathy,
I admittedly hate Star Trek. I think it was a caffeine overdose. That, or the windowpane.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:12Maybe reading too many “A Clown on Fire” posts about Star Trek or Star Wars?
Posted by Cathy Ulrich | February 6, 2013, 10:14quite possibly…
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:16Spend a week with Bravo TV (you too Le Clown) and all will be well. You can forget anything with Bravo.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | February 6, 2013, 09:07talesfromthemotherland,
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, here I come!
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:13I think the girls from Atlanta can bitch slap a twisted dream out of anyone. wink wink, nod nod.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | February 6, 2013, 10:18no shit! how about that crazy ass Kenya, gone with the wind crazy!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:22Snap!
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | February 6, 2013, 10:36I like rotisserie chicken….
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | February 6, 2013, 09:07Set it and forget it baby!
T
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:13Put it in my mouth, baby!
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | February 6, 2013, 10:14and braless to boot!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:17We’re sisters in braless!
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | February 6, 2013, 10:27tube socks full of pennies!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:29It’s obvious that you are, in fact, Sam Wheat. Now if only you looked like Swayze, I would be doing much more with you than hugging and squirting hand sanitizer.
Posted by becca3416 | February 6, 2013, 09:51Can I call you Baby, because I’ve had the time of my life.
T
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:13Only if you never put me in a corner. Or a microwave.
Posted by becca3416 | February 6, 2013, 10:19I will catch you. Promise.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:23All I know is that I watched Meredith Baxter in the lifetime movie, The Betty Broderick Story, when I was ten with my mother because apparently that’s how you bond with a ten-year-old. By psychologically scarring the shit out of them.
Man, I love hand sanitizer.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 10:09battered/jaded spouse lifetime movies are to Meredith Baxter what 2 pound blocks of cheddar cheese are to my stomach.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:16Talk about a scary conglomeration of TV Land and 80′s movies. Hope you didn’t wake up with big hair and shoulder pads.
Posted by Carrie Rubin | February 6, 2013, 10:27I did, as well as acid washed jeans and a backwards Forenza sweater.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 10:28Icky. Well, at least you skirted the horrible Laura Ashley dresses from the next decade.
Posted by Carrie Rubin | February 6, 2013, 10:32Word.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 11:19Tracy,
This one is easy. You’re having flashbacks in your sleep. Remember that time you tried poutine? This is a side effect. You’re welcome.
Twindaddy
Posted by twindaddy | February 6, 2013, 11:03That is the 2nd poutine related answer!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 11:19Oh, damn. I didn’t read the comments. And here I though I was being all original and stuph. Shame.
Posted by twindaddy | February 6, 2013, 11:20You’re just a visionary.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 11:23Well, that remains to be seen. Obviously somebody saw this joke before I did. Or they at least saw this post before I did. Eh, who knows? Either way, well done, as always, Tracy. You really are a gifted writer.
Posted by twindaddy | February 6, 2013, 11:25silly.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 11:38Huh? Why am I silly?
Posted by twindaddy | February 6, 2013, 11:39Twindaddy,
I saw the joke first. Nanner nanner.
Posted by happyzinny | February 6, 2013, 11:43THHHHBBBBB!!!!!!!
Posted by twindaddy | February 6, 2013, 11:45Aw geez, you got my screen all wet.
Posted by happyzinny | February 6, 2013, 12:07Ha! That’s what you get!
Posted by twindaddy | February 6, 2013, 12:11The other night, I had a dream where I was attacked by Bill Murray. He threw a cup of rat feces at me.
Posted by The Cutter | February 6, 2013, 11:21I had that one last week.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 11:24Really? Wow, he really is an ass if he’s doing that to others too.
Posted by The Cutter | February 6, 2013, 11:25such a dick.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 11:38I used to worry about the clown’s mental health, but you make him seem almost normal… I mean that in the best way possible… but you might want to seek expert advice on that dream.
Posted by pouringmyartout | February 6, 2013, 11:35that’s your job!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 11:39No… because I am pretty sure that I am crazier than you… that is why I can spot the dangers of your mental mindscape.
Posted by pouringmyartout | February 6, 2013, 11:41Oh, miss, it doesn’t sound like a very restful sleep. Perhaps what you need is a nice nap! I’m not going to begin to analyze…I remember Adam Ant. Ha ha.
Posted by The Bumble Files | February 6, 2013, 11:51The scariest part of this dream (for me) was that I knew everything you were talking about.
Posted by Michelle Gillies | February 6, 2013, 12:38THAT, is awesome.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 13:04No. That is really, really scary.
Posted by "HE WHO" | February 6, 2013, 14:49Tracy (because I feel like we are on a first-name-basis now),
You were in Fenway Park?
-Soul Walker
Posted by Soul Walker | February 6, 2013, 12:38It isn’t nice to steal people’s drugs.
Posted by robincoyle | February 6, 2013, 13:19Especially when they are in pain.
Posted by Soul Walker | February 7, 2013, 01:06I think that the hand sanitizer was probably a good idea, but it probably should have happened before the hot dog. (That’s the mother in me. Sorry.) Howie Mandel was the creepiest part of your dream because he reminds me of Hugo. (http://speaker7.wordpress.com/2012/11/29/desperately-seeking-hugo/) Just sayin’. Good luck with that addiction, or affliction, or whatever you ate that gave you such dreams.
Posted by UndercoverL | February 6, 2013, 14:39Suddenly my crazy dreams such as the one where I was helping Mulder & Scully track down an escaped lion which then turned out to be (after the lion had been shot dead of course) a bloke in a lion costume seem tame and even boring.
I’d say that either, your days are not exciting enough and your subconcious is trying to make up for it, or perhaps your days are too exciting and your subconcious is trying to tell you to slow down a bit. Maybe. Or that could just be some psychobabble I’ve just made up. Actually, definitely some pschyobabble I’ve just made up.
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 6, 2013, 14:53I love that you had a dream with characters from the X-Files.
Posted by Soul Walker | February 7, 2013, 01:07Who doesn’t love the X-files?!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 7, 2013, 11:28I know, right?
Posted by Soul Walker | February 7, 2013, 14:14I much prefer the earlier episodes, where you get the “monster of the week” feel. I got a bit fed up when it all went into the whole conspiracy-theory-find-Mulder’s-sister-Scully-had-an-alien-baby thing at season 5. I think that might have been because I was studying A-levels by then and didn’t have any spare brain left to work out what on earth was going on!!
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 12, 2013, 06:50I’ve also had dreams featuring characters from Poltergeist: The Legacy, and Babylon 5. It’s all to do with TV shows I’ve had somewhat of an obsession with!
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 12, 2013, 06:47I’ve only really watched X-Files (out of those shows). Babylon 5 did look interesting though.
Posted by Soul Walker | February 12, 2013, 12:38Babylon 5 is the same sort of principle as Star Trek Deep Space Nine. I think the idea for B5 was conceived before DS9, but as Trek had been around longer its version of people living on a space station got off the ground first.
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 12, 2013, 14:30I don’t know why your back doesn’t hurt as bad as Le Clown’s the way you seem to be bouncing hard off the walls. And with such speed! I am completely wasted after reading about your dream. It was more exercise than a 30 km run carrying a full pack and an 80 kilogram rock. I think I lost 15 pounds. Now to sleep. perchance to dream.
Posted by "HE WHO" | February 6, 2013, 14:58I love this dream to pieces! The more confusing and all over the place it is, the more exciting it is the me the next day…if I remember anything from it. I rarely remember my dreams but when I do, it’s fucking crazy.
Also, my favorite part was when you high-fived Dick Van Patten in the face…
Posted by vyvacious | February 6, 2013, 16:09I like this dream, because not only was Meredith Baxter Birney there, but they were also serving stuffed unicorn embryos. That’s a classy dream.
Posted by Bill McMorrow | February 6, 2013, 17:19Bill,
Thanks for being bad-ass enough to realize the clasyness of this dream. Meredith classes up everything, especially a lifetime movie about battered spouses.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 20:02Whenever I threaten to hit my wife, I call her MBB. I show her the back of my hand and I say, “You don’t want one of these, MBB!! You’re such a classy broad, Mrs. Keaton!!!”
Posted by Bill McMorrow | February 6, 2013, 20:09Bill,
I love you.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 7, 2013, 11:20Tracy, what a great blogger friend you are. How will LeClown ever pay you back. That’s some crazy ass dream shit, but I can totally relate – I’m a dreamer and always in color. Big Foot recently visited me in my dreams, that was the fastest I’ve ever ran all while protecting my son. Take care girl & LeClown feel better Tracy needs to write her own blog.
Posted by Lisa | February 6, 2013, 17:44Lisa,
Le Clown pays me back simply by being Le Clown. And $50. Big Foot dreams are bad-ass, and don’t even get me started on protecting your kids in dreams! That is some really intense shit. Go dream about sasquetch tonight.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 20:05You weren’t dreaming…you were just remember the ’70′s!
Posted by asklotta | February 6, 2013, 18:07It was a 70′s nightmare!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 20:06What the Fulk (to continue with the cheap innuendo theme) – you sure did get a lot of comments. But, my dreams are just as graphic, without resorting to presription drugs or ‘shrooms’ (never really enjoyed psychedelics in my hippy days). The Clown must be proud of you. Now read my AutoBLOGography otherwise I’l morph into Charles Manson!l
Posted by Thom Topham | February 6, 2013, 18:40Dear Charles Manson,
I don’t need drugs to party with Meredith Baxter and company. I will read your blog, for $5.27.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 6, 2013, 20:08Oops! TYPO! I’ll, obv….
Posted by Thom Topham | February 6, 2013, 18:41Here’s a subtle reminder: http://thomtopham.wordpress.com/about
Posted by Thom Topham | February 6, 2013, 18:43Tracy, I’m no expert on dream interpretation but if you ask me (and you did – there are witnesses), you are bat-shit crazy.
Posted by Wendy Reid | February 6, 2013, 20:12Wendy,
you may be right.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 7, 2013, 11:21You’re crazy, Tracy.
I love it.
And you’ve inspired me to send Le Clown my own tribute to his greatness.
Thanks!
Posted by The Hook | February 6, 2013, 21:30Hook,
I am crazy, takes crazy to recognize crazy though.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 7, 2013, 11:22It sure does!
I’ve never claimed to be sane, though.
Posted by The Hook | February 7, 2013, 11:25True. Sanity is overrated.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 7, 2013, 11:28Was that a dream or a year in review? Great post there – me and my fucking woodpecker loved it.
Posted by artsifrtsy | February 6, 2013, 21:52both fucking woodpecker lover.
Posted by tracy fulks | February 7, 2013, 11:23No pants on and Howie Mandel? Welcome to my nightmare.
Posted by denmother | February 6, 2013, 22:20HA!
Posted by tracy fulks | February 7, 2013, 11:23Right….well….it’s relatively simple:
Your movement through the painting suggests your battle with depression; you feel akin to Picasso during his Blue Period after the death of Casagemas, which means you have a major fucking ego and think that you can produce anything and people will like it, and if they don’t then they’re wrong.
The next part of the dream is so full of phallic symbolism I don’t quite know where to start; the consumption of the hotdog (penis) at the home of the red sox (red socks – bloody penis) with James Earl Jones (quote from Field of Dreams, ‘If you build it, he will come.’ – Ejaculating penis); add this to the death during childbirth, and then to the werewolf and your general therianthropic tendencies – I deign to include the pepper (penis) – and you have someone who will do/put up with almost anything in order to get laid.
This is then counteracted by your incarnation as Meredith Baxter-Birney, and the prospect of your having to turn lesbian if the penis situation doesn’t sort itself out – the balloons represent the number of testicles you’ve had the pleasure of holding (yes, 427), and together with the loss of your arms (penises) and your stoic appraisal of said losses, it would suggest that your transition to the ways of the vag will be a successful one – you’ll ride that log (penis) as hard as you can in the meantime before finally having to bury yourself in the ravine (vagina) and partake of the unicorn embryos (the vagina is a mystical place and the giver of life – I for one, cannot think of a better term than ‘stuffed unicorn embryos’ for what lies within). Willard Scott of course represents the clown; specifically Le Clown, to whom you will always have recourse should even the Isle of Lesbos grow baron.
Elaine is your associate in the struggle to succeed in the world of art, and the two of you would take it by storm with a series of roasted animals wearing bras, if only she existed; which leads to the fact that this entire segment is about your struggle to find things that aren’t there – Adam Ant in an infomercial; the USS Enterprise; the Sergio Valente clothing brand was neither named after, nor has ever been run by anybody called Sergio Valente; and American Football……..is not football. The McCoy/Goldberg/Wheat palm reading section is just your way of adding to the infinite applications of McCoy’s catchphrases, ‘He’s dead, Jim,’ and, ‘I’m a Doctor, not a clairvoyant!’ – It’s a major fucking ego thing.
Your attack on Dick (penis) Van Patten for suggesting that he would like to impregnate you with his ninth obnoxious offspring is just another example of your major fucking ego – so major that it had to make yet another appearance in your dream. The appearance of your ego is to buffer/prepare you for the Morley Safer part of the dream; or as I would refer to it, the chronically incestuous part – Safer acts as both mother and father and encompasses all things tender and pant removing; you know that you need cleansing, but you would rather be doused in hand sanitiser than resort to anything religious – essentially a ‘no deal’ to Pascal’s Wager.
In conclusion, you’re perfectly normal.
You’re welcome.
Posted by sacha1nch1 | February 6, 2013, 22:22I am almost speechless.
Phenomenal.
Ego and cock, that’s what it all boils down to.
Thank you.
Tracy
Posted by tracy fulks | February 7, 2013, 11:25shit……could I have just written ego and cock?
Posted by sacha1nch1 | February 12, 2013, 18:34I dunno about Le Clown reorganising his spine, I think I need to go and reorganise my brain synapses after that!! *Grins*
Posted by Val | February 7, 2013, 16:57TF,
Howie Mandel squirting at you w. no pants hand sanitizer—that’s just awful. No deal!
A
Posted by adamjasonp | February 7, 2013, 20:27Are you sure it was hand sanitizer that Howie Mandel squirted on you?
Posted by sanityandcigarettes | February 8, 2013, 00:06I…uh….::head explodes::
Posted by Nicole Marie | February 8, 2013, 09:25stone?
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | February 27, 2013, 21:31who
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | February 27, 2013, 21:39other
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | February 27, 2013, 21:48