Hi there! My name is Ericka Clay. You may remember me from my most recent endeavors like the time I hunkered down in a makeshift underwear fort in the produce section of Whole Foods to negotiate the price of lemons and that other time I told your dog you wished he were a cat.
He started it.
But today, I’m going to do something a little out of the ordinary and take you and Le Clown on a tour of my town. My town is called Katy and it’s in the great country of Texas. I’m not sure why it’s considered a country, all I know is that man in the cowboy hat said he was going to scream at me again if I didn’t say it and then he stole all my tobacco. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was poop.
I’ve actually only lived here for the last seven months and let me tell you, it’s been a grand adventure. I’ve learned so much from this place like the fact that neighbors don’t like to be called at two in the morning to watch late night reruns of Full House or that searching their trash for perfectly good underwear for fort building is “What the fuck are you doing?? Get off my property before I call the cops!” Those guys! But really what I love about this place is that it has a lot of fun things to do!
For those that don’t know, Katy is on the outskirts of Houston which is home to NASA, that place I was forcefully ejected from because apparently the space shuttle toilet was “just for display.” But it’s okay. I had a blast for the whole twelve minutes I was there and even had fun in the kids play area where I taught several children the art of the elbow jab. They’ll never try cutting in front of me at the slide again!
Like I mentioned before, Katy has a Whole Foods now and several other grocery stores
where I can shop for overpriced lettuce that I will inevitably tape to my neighbors’ windows while they’re sleeping. I just love making breakfast snacks for friends! The best part of my grocery shopping experience is pushing the carts designed for children. I don’t know about you, but I’m bitch ass short so these things come in handy. Plus, stealing one from a child gives you the ultimate power trip and says things like “maybe when you’re an adult and need to buy glitter to spruce up your neighbor’s cat you can push one of these carts!” Double Win!
Now let’s end our trip through Katy with a nice, serene drive down one of my favorite roads. The best part about this particular street is when the joggers are out. Great target practice for water balloons, plus they really hate it when you shout “Hey, Dave Coulier!” at them when they obviously have boobies.
God I love this country/state.
Well, that’s it. Welcome to Katy! Glad Le Clown gave me the chance to show you all how awesome this place is, and hopefully you’ve taken as much dilaudid as he has so you can see it, too. There’s a lot more I’d love to show you but these cats won’t glitter themselves! Well, they will if you put them in a casserole dish full of glitter and sing “Achy Breaky Heart” at the top of your lungs, but you do not want to know what happens if you skip a line! It involves poop.
Okay, then. Goodbye!