I do not mess around when it comes to underwear forts.
Hi there! My name is Ericka Clay. You may remember me from my most recent endeavors like the time I hunkered down in a makeshift underwear fort in the produce section of Whole Foods to negotiate the price of lemons and that other time I told your dog you wished he were a cat.
He started it.
But today, I’m going to do something a little out of the ordinary and take you and Le Clown on a tour of my town. My town is called Katy and it’s in the great country of Texas. I’m not sure why it’s considered a country, all I know is that man in the cowboy hat said he was going to scream at me again if I didn’t say it and then he stole all my tobacco. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was poop.
So welcome!
I’ve actually only lived here for the last seven months and let me tell you, it’s been a grand adventure. I’ve learned so much from this place like the fact that neighbors don’t like to be called at two in the morning to watch late night reruns of Full House or that searching their trash for perfectly good underwear for fort building is “What the fuck are you doing?? Get off my property before I call the cops!” Those guys! But really what I love about this place is that it has a lot of fun things to do!
For those that don’t know, Katy is on the outskirts of Houston which is home to NASA, that place I was forcefully ejected from because apparently the space shuttle toilet was “just for display.” But it’s okay. I had a blast for the whole twelve minutes I was there and even had fun in the kids play area where I taught several children the art of the elbow jab. They’ll never try cutting in front of me at the slide again!
Like I mentioned before, Katy has a Whole Foods now and several other grocery stores
You should have seen those children cry!
where I can shop for overpriced lettuce that I will inevitably tape to my neighbors’ windows while they’re sleeping. I just love making breakfast snacks for friends! The best part of my grocery shopping experience is pushing the carts designed for children. I don’t know about you, but I’m bitch ass short so these things come in handy. Plus, stealing one from a child gives you the ultimate power trip and says things like “maybe when you’re an adult and need to buy glitter to spruce up your neighbor’s cat you can push one of these carts!” Double Win!
The perfect place to throw things at people with boobies.
Now let’s end our trip through Katy with a nice, serene drive down one of my favorite roads. The best part about this particular street is when the joggers are out. Great target practice for water balloons, plus they really hate it when you shout “Hey, Dave Coulier!” at them when they obviously have boobies.
God I love this country/state.
Well, that’s it. Welcome to Katy! Glad Le Clown gave me the chance to show you all how awesome this place is, and hopefully you’ve taken as much dilaudid as he has so you can see it, too. There’s a lot more I’d love to show you but these cats won’t glitter themselves! Well, they will if you put them in a casserole dish full of glitter and sing “Achy Breaky Heart” at the top of your lungs, but you do not want to know what happens if you skip a line! It involves poop.
Okay, then. Goodbye!
Ericka,
If everybody in Texas was like you, hardly anyone would want it to secede from the union. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Let’s just call it a thing.
Posted by Elyse | February 5, 2013, 07:29Oh don’t worry, there’s a lot of us like that here! Like five. Okay fine, they’re all me.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:55No, I have a niece who lives there. That makes two of you.
Posted by Elyse | February 5, 2013, 09:56I went to Texas once.
Posted by Addie | February 5, 2013, 07:29Addie,
I went to Katy once.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 5, 2013, 07:44Goodness!!
Posted by Addie | February 5, 2013, 08:02They let you out?? Jealous.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:55I had a fast car. (try to sound like Tracey Chapman when you say that)
Posted by Addie | February 5, 2013, 10:00There was no way I couldn’t sound like Tracey Chapman when reading that. And now I’m singing that song on the top of my lungs. My husband thanks you.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 10:04You are welcome.
Posted by Addie | February 5, 2013, 10:25I really like that one tree, and that store shelf looks awesome. If you were to ever visit my town–meaning if I were to ever divulge my secret bunker–I could show you some of the greatest tattoo parlors and pawn shops one sees in depressed prison towns.
Posted by speaker7 | February 5, 2013, 07:54Road trip!!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:56“Prepare to get glittered!”. Official Katy, Texas welcoming slogan?
Posted by josefkul | February 5, 2013, 07:57Love it! Just spray painted it on my neighbor’s house!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:56Glitter definitely makes the world a better place. Yay for being a guest blogger on Le Clown, Ericka. You’re just now far too cool for words.
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 5, 2013, 08:02Thank you!! And I always want to call you Faith, so thanks Faith. Ah, better.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:57Most folks call me Faith, so that’s cool too.
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 5, 2013, 10:16Ericka and Le Clown,
Le Clown: superb choice on Ericka’s warm sparkle-ly Big Tex welcome!
Ericka, did you by chance catch the news a few months back when our State Fair of Texas icon “Big Tex” caught on fire — Le Clown I know you’d enjoy a story like this — and what Big Tex’s “nudity” revealed? Big Tex turned out to be….not so big at all. In fact, he turned out to be a TRANSSEXUAL! Yep, our huge semblance of pride turns out to be “pride” in a most humbling fiery non-testicular show! As a very liberal 8th generation Texan I wrote our Congress in Austin to make that day a state holiday. For the life of me I cannot understand why I have yet to get any response!
Posted by Professor Taboo | February 5, 2013, 09:01I did! My best friend and her fiance came down from NYC to visit us and actually spent the day there and caught photos of it the day before it burned! Let me know if you need me to write a letter, too. You probably just forgot to add glitter in the envelope.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:58HAH! Join the Uni-Tex Glitter Movement! Who’s with us?
Posted by Professor Taboo | February 5, 2013, 10:20Ericka, you didn’t mention if Katy has a gun range or not. You haven’t lived in the great Republic of Texas (that’s what it really is, a republic) until you’ve been to a real live gun range where the local yahoos blast away at person-shaped targets so they’ll be ready to shot a real live person one day when that person cuts them off in traffic or goes slow in the fast lane or does something else to piss them off. Also shopping at the local HEB or Super S or Safeway is how most Texans shop. Most don’t cotton to organic-type foods and miniature shopping carts. They want food with preservatives and added colorings and lots of fat. And real Tex-Mex food. That means stuff with chili on it. Anything with chili on it is good. And throw a few jalapeños on it. Got to have some heat. Then go deer hunting. Or boar hunting. Or anything hunting. Or just shooting at something. That’s the real Republic of Texas.
Posted by mairedubhtx | February 5, 2013, 09:05Oh we do have a gun range. That parking lot is the best for spray panting cars. True story.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:59Funny post Ericka. Your town sounds like a wonderful place to live…if you can ignore some of the odd things about it. Like the 2 old geezers sitting on old wooden chairs at the gas station who haven’t stopped drooling and staring because they haven’t seen exposed knees in years. And the school contest to see who’s brother is the best kisser.
Posted by Wendy Reid | February 5, 2013, 09:12Hey stop making fun of my dad!! And my brother. Duh.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:59Thanks for the tour Ericka… seems wise that you did not take Le Clown on a tour, as Adam did. There is no poutine in Katy; I am certain of it. Given the random appearances, we at least know Eric and Le Clown are still alive, and that’s a good thing. Hang in there guys! The offer stands, if you need some back up medical advice. Otherwise, rest and be well. Big bummer, but hopefully this will pass. Hugs and balloons.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | February 5, 2013, 09:14You’re very welcome! I figured he could use a little rest and what better way for a person to rest than to watch me glitter a cat. Or seven.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 10:02Purrrrr.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | February 5, 2013, 11:56hi ericka. nice to meet you. i have friends in texas, some in the denton/allen area and some in ft. worth who took active roles in the “occupy” movement there. of course you’ve met them, because anytime someone says they’re from somewhere, and someone knows someone from that somewhere, we always accurately assume they’ve met the other person from somewhere. so when you see mike, tracy, and paula, tell them i said hi.
Posted by rich | February 5, 2013, 09:39You know Mike, Tracy and Paula, too?? Swell folks. They’ve even enrolled in my cat glittering class!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:47After that lovely tour, I strangely feel the need to dip my mom’s dog in food dye…
Thanks for showing us around, Ericka!
Posted by Audrey | February 5, 2013, 09:45Welcome, Audrey! And dogs love that!!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 10:02They are more civil than I thought they were. “Get off my property before I call the cops!” Really? They call the cops there?
Again, I have learned something.
Posted by TAE | February 5, 2013, 09:50I am always here to educate. And glitter cats.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 10:03I shall subscribe to your educational program.
Stay away from my dogs, or I’ll call the cops (seriously).
Posted by TAE | February 5, 2013, 10:09Thanks for the tour. And for making kids cry. They shouldn’t have all the fun. Glittercats Forever!!
Posted by isawbobdylaninaspeedo | February 5, 2013, 09:51Glitercats Super Forever!!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 10:03Reblogged this on Creative Liar and commented:
Texas, poop and glitter. My post at A Clown on Fire. Also, more poop.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 09:52I’ve never been to Texas, but the air looks like it’d be fresh and crisp… In Chicago the air smells like pizza, pollution, and apathy. …Thanks for reminding me again why I love this city.
Also, is Katy named after Katy Perry? I have to ask.
Posted by Katie | February 5, 2013, 09:56Pizza air?? So jealous. And yes.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 10:03Katie,
I would love to go to Chicago. I would take the opportunity to have lunch with Oprah and Billy Corgan, and would try and measure the total mass of our combined egos…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 5, 2013, 12:07((4*pi2)/G) (a3/P2)+((4*pi2)/G) (a3/P2)+((4*pi2)/G) (a3/P2) so long as you have something orbiting each of you….like a muffin
Posted by sacha1nch1 | February 5, 2013, 21:00Sacha,
You should comment more often. There, it’s been said.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 6, 2013, 11:31I see it’s true what they say about you then……everything you say is right.
Posted by sacha1nch1 | February 6, 2013, 19:45Loved the tour! Glitter really does make everything better doesn’t it?
Posted by MissFourEyes | February 5, 2013, 10:18Everything. Especially cats.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 20:23You live approximately three hours an 58 minutes from me. Yes I Google Mapped it. No it is not creepy. It’s love. So when can I bring Jack over for a glitter job? He has been BEGGING for one.
Posted by becca3416 | February 5, 2013, 10:34I did that to you! So now I know one who google maps vaguely complete strangers and one who knows the benefits of lettuce to windows. This is freaking awesome!
Posted by Combat Babe | February 5, 2013, 10:59We can google map each other and have a lettuce window romp. That sounded far dirtier than I intended…
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 20:25Vodka cat glitter night. If that’s not a thing, we’re making it one, Becca.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 20:24I’m not really a cat person, but I think I could be if they were all glittered up and bedazzled. Thank you for showing us your fine country!
Posted by happyzinny | February 5, 2013, 10:58I wouldn’t have cats any other way!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:06I am glad you know the benefit of over-priced lettuce on windows. I was feeling real lonely.
Posted by Combat Babe | February 5, 2013, 10:58A window without lettuce is no window at all.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:06Who doesn’t like to be woken up at 2am for Full House reruns? Terrorists, that’s who.
Posted by Bill McMorrow | February 5, 2013, 11:13I don’t need no stinky Full House reruns… my 2 year-old looks just like the Olsen twins, and acts like both of them did when they turned 18 and went Hollywood-child insane. Seriously. She is a demon. You can take her if you need reruns. You’ll be paying me to take her back. That’s why she’s Princess Red Chief.
I am not a terrorist. Princess Red Chief is.
Posted by UndercoverL | February 5, 2013, 16:39We’re raising the same daughter. Sigh.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 16:59Oh shoot! No swapsies. I want a little girl who doesn’t stare me down like she’s gonna cut a bitch when I tell her she can’t have a seventh lollipop.
Posted by UndercoverL | February 5, 2013, 17:02They make those? Again, sigh.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 17:29I hear tell that there may have been a few discovered in the wild. Of course, I heard the same thing of Sasquatch…
Posted by UndercoverL | February 6, 2013, 13:14Exactly, Bill. I always appreciate your voice of reason.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:07You look like a giant compared to that shopping cart. Jealous!
Posted by iRuniBreathe | February 5, 2013, 11:16That plus those tiny bottles of alcohol are the only things that make me feel like I shouldn’t be accompanied by an adult at all times.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 20:26Kids can carry those tiny bottles, no?
Posted by iRuniBreathe | February 6, 2013, 14:39Ericka, you might want to keep a low profile and chill at home for a while … you never know if your neighbours or the whole foods store manager follow Le Clown. If you notice people staring or pinting at you… RUN!!!!!!!!!
Posted by morasmum | February 5, 2013, 11:23Oh man I get the staring and pointing all the time but instead of running I just break out into the macarena. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:08you crazy texans and your macarena!
Posted by morasmum | February 7, 2013, 03:44People in Texas call the cops AFTER they shoot your ass…
Posted by Dianne Wing | February 5, 2013, 11:36Tell me about it! I won’t be able to take off this band-aid for weeks!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:08I enjoyed the tour of Katy, Ericka. I’ve never been to Texas (Tejas!), but would like to check out some of the less Achy-Breaky areas someday. I was warned, however, that Texans have a rivalry/hatred with California. Is that true? Will I be forced to fight for my honor (of which I have a thimble full)?
Posted by calahan | February 5, 2013, 11:49I have enough to put in a dropper. Oh wait no. That’s just poop again.
Oh and I couldn’t possibly hate California because JTT lives there.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:22Justin Timberlake-Timberlake?
Posted by calahan | February 6, 2013, 13:14Jonathan Taylor Thomas! He’s like the president of California, Calahan!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 15:09I voted for the other guy.
Posted by calahan | February 6, 2013, 15:12Hi Ericka, I used to live in San Angelo, Texas for a few months! It was my first and last experience with buttered rice, which was a cube of butter and a couple bites of rice! Yikes! We have a Whole Foods where I live, too. Crazy expensive, I know. Thanks for the tour.
Posted by The Bumble Files | February 5, 2013, 12:04Very welcome! And I’m not a fan of butter because surprisingly, it doesn’t stick to cats as well as glitter does.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:28awesomesausage… with sauce… and it ain’t easy standing in for the clown man. Good stories. Good pictures. You threw in an underwear fort, so extra bonus points for that.
Posted by pouringmyartout | February 5, 2013, 12:37Thank you! I even added a bra slingshot!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:28Now you are just showing off… ha!
Posted by pouringmyartout | February 6, 2013, 13:37Ericka,
I’m curious. How exactly did you fit through the space shuttle toilet? That doesn’t seem possible.
Twindaddy
Posted by twindaddy | February 5, 2013, 12:58I actually took a year’s worth of yoga for just that purpose. Also, glitter.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:29You are spectacular.
Posted by twindaddy | February 6, 2013, 12:38Reblogged this on Kith and Kin : The Sisters Grinn and commented:
>_< Always amusing hahahahhaa!!!
Posted by Ai | February 5, 2013, 13:11Thanks for the reblog Ai!
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:23Do they wear that big Texas hair in Katy? The bigger the hair, the closer to God.
Posted by artsifrtsy | February 5, 2013, 14:02Is that what that symbolizes? I just thought they did that to hide their glittered cats.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:27Thank you for the tour, Ericka! I think you just put my brain in a blender and set it on the highest setting ever. Thank you.
Posted by Nicole Marie | February 5, 2013, 16:15You should see the inside of my brain. Glitter everywhere.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 17:00They jog in Texas?
Posted by robincoyle | February 5, 2013, 16:36Jog, shoot at stuff. Po-TAY-to, po-TAH-to.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 5, 2013, 20:27Everything is bigger in Texas. Except for Ericka. And her shopping cart.
Posted by Adam S | February 5, 2013, 17:45Just made them asterisk that part next to the slogan. I should be getting a letter of approval any day now.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:26Ericka,
Nice tour of Katy. If Le Clown ever does go there we should arrange a documentary crew.
btw-Do they sell hog jowls and pigs knuckles at that Whole Foods?
Red
Posted by SocietyRed | February 5, 2013, 18:03Oh goodness I hope not, I’m vegan. Plus I’m not sure how hog jowls and pigs knuckles would stand up to a good glittering.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:25Glitter could only improve that yuck!
Posted by SocietyRed | February 6, 2013, 12:28I think I had a business meeting in Katy once, with a composite metal panel company. Maybe not though. I lived in New Braunfels for about 15 months. It was awesome. That is it.
Posted by Brother Jon | February 5, 2013, 19:07That sounds about right. We’re actually the composite metal panel capitol of the world. Actually I’m not sure. I’ve snorted too much glitter.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 12:25You may be small but your heart is clearly as big as all of Texas! (And by “all of Texas” I mean the map of Texas in my coffee-table atlas, which would be regular human-sized. If your heart is any bigger than that you should consult your physician PDQ.)
Posted by rossmurray1 | February 5, 2013, 20:54Haha, Ross! Thank you! And I’m pretty sure my heart is normal sized and glittery like all hearts should be.
Posted by Ericka Clay | February 6, 2013, 10:05You’re lucky it was just a “what the fuck?” and not a shoulder to air missile launcher to the Dave Coulier half shirt I know you were sporting. Just saying.
Posted by dhonour | February 6, 2013, 15:25Oh they don’t own air missile launchers anymore because I stole them and use them to store their passports for safe keeping. I should just change my middle name to “neighborly.”
Posted by Ericka Clay | March 1, 2013, 11:22I’ll say this, Ericka: you could stare down a rhino!
Hilarious post! You have a mad, dark comic gift, young lady…
Posted by The Hook | February 6, 2013, 21:38Aw, thank you. And thanks for realizing the dark side in me. I call her Ericka. Oh wait…
Posted by Ericka Clay | March 1, 2013, 11:27EC (not LC),
You’re really making a presence here, at ACOF. And all it took was a painful return of a lumbar sprain and vomiting to push this
Whole Foods poopwonderful look at Katy out there.Ericka in Katy. Like the sound of that.
A
Posted by adamjasonp | February 7, 2013, 20:18Thank you Adam!
Posted by Ericka Clay | March 1, 2013, 11:48fact,
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | February 27, 2013, 21:34confused
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | February 27, 2013, 21:44perhaps.
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | February 27, 2013, 21:50The Seed,
You’re one clever™ mother fucker.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 27, 2013, 22:40Tell that to the mother fuckers who keep turning me down for jobs! And thank you; you bring out the best in me.
So what does the TM mean? Whenever anyone uses it they must TM it? or it may only be used in reference to me?
Posted by TheSeedSaidSo | February 27, 2013, 22:53