Writing about the life and death of my father proved to be an arduous task. Before tackling The Blues and the Abstract Truth, I revisited previous posts on the man: from his birth in extreme poverty to his tragic death, his life was a sad one. If you were to pick up his biography in a book store, you would tag the work as fictitious and overdramatic. I failed to come up with a gleeful reexamination of his life, so I wrote it as I remembered it. Dad would have made a great Johnny Cash song.
The years that followed his suicide are a blur. I have gathered scraps from that time: drugs, booze, and the occasional moments of sobriety where I thought about getting high and drunk. And then there was jazz, exclusively. I lived vicariously through jazz, and I brought my dad along—together we created vivid aural memories. Through writing, I could try and give a second life to my blues… perhaps these posts would find a readership.
The idea was to write freestyle, and to let the words flow with the music. Each jazz style would convey an emotion, or at least, a period of my grieving: the initial shock, the anger, the shame, and the acceptance. I would play songs from a genre, and improvise. I would write a sentence, close my eyes and imagine the sentence dance, and then rewrite the sentence until it moved to the music. As ethereal as it may sound, the words grooved. In a phrase words would swing in unison, while in another words would dance unaccompanied, soliloquizing between two commas.
…There was a time when my father’s death made as little sense as John Coltrane’s music—I knew both made me feel, but I could not identify which exact emotion it was.
…I attempted to rationalize his suicide, as I tried to intellectualize free jazz.
…I discovered the music of Ketil Bjørnstad, but I was embarrassed to admit it, because it sounded more like new age than pure jazz.
…I was the son of a successful artist, but few knew that my father was a janitor who put an end to his life.
…The first time I listened to Keith Jarrett’s Köln concert, I cried. Around the same time, I started making peace with my father’s life and death.
These snippets would produce some of the most hermetic posts yet on A Clown on Fire. I have received heartfelt feedback from readers, while attracting little traffic. As grueling as the topic of suicide may be, The Blues and the Abstract Truth is one of my proudest blogging accomplishments.
Questions: Have you ever played with different writing styles? Have you ever used writing as a form of therapy? What place does music have in your life?
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ADDENDUM: I’ve been asked about the musical compositions mentioned in these posts. Here are links to these songs, including those I have listened to while writing the series.
- John Coltrane: A Love Supreme;
- Sonny Rollins: Blue 7;
- Miles Davis: Footprints;
- Oliver Nelson: Teenie’s Blues;
- Eric Dolphy: Out To Lunch.
- Ornette Coleman: Free Jazz;
- Peter Brotzmann: Machine Gun;
- Matthew Shipp: Greensleeves;
- Albert Ayler: Ghosts – First Variations;
- Dave Douglas: The Inflated Tear.
- Jan Garbarek: Dansere;
- Ketil Bjørnstad: The Sea II;
- Kenny Wheeler: Deer Wan;
- John Surman: Running Sands;
- Terje Rypdal: Ghostdancing.
- Keith Jarrett: The Köln Concert (part I);
- Keith Jarrett: La Scala (part I);
- Keith Jarrett: The Vienna Concert (part I);
- Keith Jarrett: The Paris Concert (part I):
- Keith Jarrett: The Survivor’s Suite.
Yes, music and writing serve as therapy for me when shitty things happen like a husband walking out. I tend to be drawn to the sappy U2 type love ballads (so I can feel even crappier about things) or Gordon Lightfoot. Lots of Lightfoot. Writings been a constant. Oh the stuff I put down on paper. I’ve let go of (recycled) a lot of it now, but it had it’s time and place. I appreciate that you were able to share what you shared in this series. Takes guts.
Posted by denmother | January 31, 2013, 22:06Denmother,
Thank you… And I will announce the winner of the ACOF Club Wrangler contest this Sunday on my Facebook page… More details on tomorrow’s guest post.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 8, 2013, 11:14I shall be chatting up Bonhomme at Carnaval. No need to be jealous. Okay, a bit jealous. A lot jealous. I used to wrangle for Bonhomme.
Posted by denmother | February 8, 2013, 13:18Eric,
It’s fascinating hearing more about the process. The work. The letting that sentence dance. I’m amazed by the idea. The time and the dancing make for a depth that is hard to describe. I’m so glad you shared it.
Music is something I use when I shoot and I prefer to have it as a soundtrack when I write. I worked on a memoir project about my father last November and i chose the music of my childhood – it evoked memories and helped me feel so much more about what I was saying. I’ve mostly posted bits about our adventures through alcoholism, but the parts that are about the loss, the sadness – it was music that made them pour out. Nothing complex, just raw and vulnerable. I’m not sure how I feel about those parts yet. I’m letting them percolate for now.
Lorri
Posted by artsifrtsy | January 31, 2013, 22:27Lorri,
First, sorry for the delay, I am in dilaudid-lala land this week… And what do you listen to mostly? Could you also redirect me to some of these posts? I’d love to read them…
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 8, 2013, 11:13Eric,
No worries – that dilaudid is powerful stuff – I hope your back is improving.
My mother loved country music and although it is not my favorite genre, her choices were a bit more eclectic and honest and those are the artists I listen to when I write my memoir pieces – Patsy Cline, Don Williams, Hank Williams – they take me back to our living room. Personally I love a bit of everything, but I’d listen to almost anything by Jack Johnson, James Taylor, Jim Croce, Nora Jones. My Pop loved Helen Reddy – so she’s in the mix. My iPod is a mess – but I like things mixed up so it works for me.
I have a separate blog that is my memoir project and about half the posts are about my Pop. He was a complex man who had addiction issues. He also was a man who changed over time. I came to love the silly parts and forgive the bad parts. This is a recent post about him – http://thekingofisabelleavenue.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/pops-and-the-grass-cutting-machine-a-story-of-hope/ This one is a favorite story of mine – he could be sweet even when he was out of it – http://thekingofisabelleavenue.wordpress.com/2012/11/08/i-dont-recall-buying-a-horse/
I hope you are up and about soon.
Lorri
Posted by artsifrtsy | February 8, 2013, 11:36I am just in awe of the depth of feelings you realease in so few words. I feel like a mouse looking into the eyes of a boa constrictor. Your words could swallow me alive, but I find that I am so enraptured by your power that I don’t care. I am a little worried about how much I gush about you, but it is just a crush… I am sure you will fall of that pedestal sooner or later.
Posted by pouringmyartout | February 1, 2013, 13:02Arthur,
I think the extra boost of serotonin brought to me by the makers of Dilaudid and reading your comment simultaneously make me feel like I am a Trainspotting character, only happier, and rich.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 8, 2013, 11:04I now live only for the thought that I might make you chuckle… even a little bit… even if it mostly due to the drugs you are on…even if it is just at my horrible spelling.
Posted by pouringmyartout | February 8, 2013, 11:07Hi Eric,
I’ll just answer your questions, because I’m still in awe at your posts – and your process.
Different writing styles – I’ve not really experimented. I can occasionally write poetry, but I really have to get caught by the idea that wants to be written that way.
Writing as therapy – Not something I’ve done directly, but in a way it is. I remember when I was at uni, spending hours in the computer labs emailing my friend who was in the computer lab at her uni some 300 miles away, and we’d be writing fan fiction back and forwards between us, which, when I think back on it, probably was a form of therapy for both of us.
Music in my life – I’m very definitely a musical person. I nearly always have a tune playing in my head, like I’ve got my own personal radio station in my brain. I’ve always sung and I have been in choirs since the age of 8 (so that’ll be 25 years of choral singing later this year). The only time I haven’t sung and haven’t had any desire to sing was at this time last year when I was really super stressed with everything that was going on in my preparation for joining the Order. I think at that point I listened to one particular album on a permanent loop and it’s been listened to for well over 80 plays from a few short months (I’ve barely listened to it since because I’ve not needed it). I wouldn’t go as far as to say that music is my life, but it’s definitely very important to me. (I couldn’t have joined an order that didn’t sing, for example.)
Love Faith Xxx
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 2, 2013, 15:48Faith,
Question for you: will you be free to listen to what you want once you will have joined the Order? It might sound innocent, but I am really curious about the answer.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 8, 2013, 10:59Hi Eric,
As a Novice, I’ve already joined, and I’m free to listen to pretty much whatever takes my fancy, providing that I listen during the times when listening to music is allowed (so not during the Greater Silence at night, or the Lesser Silence times in the morning and afternoon). Generally if I’m in the car by myself, I’ll put some music on. Most of the Sisters listen to one of two radio stations – BBC Radio 4, or Classic FM. I’m more of a BBC Radio 2 sort of girl, but Classic FM is also good. And there’s always YouTube for finding new stuff.
When I get to the point of taking vows, this won’t change – although I may not have so much time in which to listen, depending on what tasks I get given to do.
Faith xx
Posted by faithhopechocolate | February 12, 2013, 05:22Writing and music *are* my therapy, and I think I experiment with my writing all the time.
My blog is one big experiment.
Posted by Lyssapants | February 7, 2013, 18:26Lyssa,
I heard your parents say that you were also an experiment…
Fucking Christ, this is not a Le Clown post… Sorry, Lyssa, I can’t keep him on a leash for more than a nano second…
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | February 8, 2013, 10:57Slap LC for me.
Posted by Lyssapants | February 8, 2013, 12:55Eric,
I re-read your series this morning. It’s a fluid masterpiece that sounds and feels different each time I look at it. I am so impressed by this work. Your creativity is mind-boggling and provocative and yes, a little intimidating (in a good way). Seriously, look at the comments you get and the emotions you inspire; it’s beautiful man.
You asked some questions…
Experimenting with styles of writing. Many months ago around All Hallow’s Eve we conversed via email. What you told me had a profound effect. My “style” evolves with each post and comment I write. So I guess the answer is it’s an ongoing experiment.
Like others have mentioned; writing is my therapy. Did you know when you get food poisoning your body reacts within a half hour to jettison the harmful substance? I wish writing came that easy but the result is ultimately the same.
Music. For me music is right up there with spring flowers, newborn grandchildren, air, tasty food, warm sunshine on my bare ass, and orgasms.
When I was very young my parents would turn up Tommy Dorsey and Count Basie and dance around the living room. Later they graduated to Herb Alpert and Harry Belafonte and Tom Jones. I played the trumpet in band in middle school. We were pretty bad but every month or so something would come together and we 30 or so kids would create a sound that gave me goosebumps and made me shiver. I played guitar for a long time. I sang my kids to sleep every night when they were young. I could make my son cry with some songs before he could even talk. He became a rock star with record deals and managers and roadies and 12 world tours. My alarm clock plays “Take Five” when I sleep long enough for it go off.
I guess music plays a big part in my life…I gotta go find my guitar.
Thanks for the inspiration again Eric. You are fucking amazing.
Great 4 part series man.
John
Posted by SocietyRed | February 8, 2013, 10:50John,
If my now defunct “Dick in a Box” contest was still going, you would have won best comment of the week with this one. Thank you, my dear dear friend. Dave, take it from here:
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | February 8, 2013, 10:55Thanks for that Eric,
Love that guy.
I hope you feel better soon.
John
Posted by SocietyRed | February 8, 2013, 11:02This is a beautiful piece.
Posted by transparentguy | April 6, 2013, 20:36