“The Answer to the Great Question… Of Life, the Universe and Everything… Is… Forty-two,’ said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.”
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Like the great explorers before him, Le Clown was probing the vast depths of his nostrils, in search of brave new worlds, when White Baby Jesus knocked at the door:
White Baby Jesus: Knock Knock.
Le Clown: Who’s there?
White Baby Jesus: Jesus…
Le Clown: …Jesus Christ man, I’m so sorry for my XMAS banner I won’t do it again I swear to God please don’t tell my mom…
WBJ: Chill the fuck out, dude. I’m here to wish you happy birthday. Now open the door, I’m freezing my ass out here!
The Holy Man was wearing a white tunic, and a pair of sandals. It was -30°C (-22°F) in Montreal. Jesus wanted to look presentable and non-threatening, which is why he had chosen to appear as the Heinrich Hofmann‘s Christ at Thirty-Three version.
WBJ: Don’t look at me like that—White Jesus in a bathrobe was not my first choice. I pack as big a punch as the Burning bush… I’d like to see you try and keep the fire burning in that stupid cold weather of yours…
Jesus was right: he did look like an imbecile in the snow with his Obi-Wan Kenobi robe. It is common knowledge that vampires need to be invited in to enter one’s home. So I did, and Jesus warmed his white butt in our living room, looking constipated:
Le Clown: Coffee? The beans aren’t kosher though…
WBJ: Do you have some post-Transubstantiation blood in your fridge?
Le Clown: You just killed my vampire joke, White Baby Jesus…
WBJ: Sorry, Le Clown, but I just saved you from writing another apology… And what’s with Edward Cullen and these glistening vampires anyway? Dad and I never intended for Stephenie Meyer to be a writer; she was destined to be a pair of Gap khaki pants.
Le Clown: So you weren’t offended?
WBJ: Hell no! If anything, it lacked tact… Do you remember The Parking Lot is Full? Now that shit was funny…
Anyfuckinghoo, happy birthday, Le Clown. I was going to offer you five more years to your life, but after the birthday scavenger hunt that your wife orchestrated yesterday, I thought the following might be more appropriate:
The answer to everything, my dear Le Clown, is you. Happy 42nd birthday.
Le Clown: You’re such a softie, J-Boy, thanks man. Before you fly out of here on your motor cross, can you help Curmudgeon-at-Large and myself reinstate Pluto as a planet?
WBJ: You have my blessings, I’ll support your efforts. Now fuck off.
Note from L’Éric: Thank you to all bloggers who participated to the Blog Scavenger Hunt: Madame Weebles, Roller Giraffe, Becca, Speaker7, Tracy Fulks, Carrie Rubin, Jen Tonic, Adrienne Schmadrienne, and David Dixon. And to the master mind behind the hunt, my wife, who makes me write things that make my readers vomit in their mouth: I love you.
To my carnies who have written a birthday post to celebrate Le Clown’s #42: Amy, Nicole, Denise, Mary, Society Red, Adam, Steph, Leo and Kylie: fuck yeah™!
Leaving you with Madame Weebles‘ special birthday Star Wars opening credits… To be played as my eulogy, narrated by James Earl Jones. Thank you, Weebs, like plenty…
Post Scriptum #42: The ACOF Club Member Wrangler™ contest has been prolonged to February 1, 11:59PM. That means YOU still have time to write your candidacy post!
Bonne fête, Le Clown! I hope you had an magnificient day!
Posted by steph50 | January 28, 2013, 21:03Steph,
Merci mon amie. Comment vas-tu?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 30, 2013, 18:20Good god man!! Way to bring on the awesomeness by including baby jesus (affectionately referred to by yours truly as baby cheeses), Douglas Adams, Star Wars, and supernatural beings in your bday post!! Happiest of birthdays my endlessly witty friend – so wonderful to see the trickery your friends and loved one(s) brought forth on your special day!! I hope your wish came true sir
Posted by IThoughtThisWouldBeEasier | January 28, 2013, 22:09Jamie,
Truth be told, when you wrote that comment, I was reading your “Budgeting Like A Boss: Epic Thyme Skin-Clearing Toner”. I received a notification in the midst of your post, and I abandoned you like the bastard that I am to read this comment. As I have the attention span of a 2-yr old, I forgot what I was doing and went for ice cream with my daughter. Now… where am I?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 30, 2013, 18:29Le Clown,
That’s it! You are the answer to life, the Universe and everything! 42 – awesome. May this year bring you happiness, joy, and blogging immortality.
Cathy
Posted by Cathy Ulrich | January 28, 2013, 22:34Cathy,
Many, many thanks.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 30, 2013, 18:48Only you would get a personal happy birthday from jesus. I can’t even get him to return my phone calls.
Posted by nevercontrary | January 29, 2013, 02:50NC,
Try texting him… I’ve heard that he receives free new Apple products now that Steve Jobs opened a store in heaven…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 30, 2013, 18:47Happy belated Birthday!
Posted by acflory | January 29, 2013, 04:55AC,
Thank you, said the belated reply…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 30, 2013, 18:46Can you send me some belated b’day cake?
Posted by acflory | January 31, 2013, 07:18Bonne Fete M. Le Clown!
This is hilarious, I can not decide which wit I enjoyed the most, merci for another great read!
Posted by holdontoyourpants | January 29, 2013, 08:28HOTYP,
Hello! And thank you. My wit abandoned me the day I wrote this. It’s been knocking at my door, but I am afraid to answer… WBJ might be coming over again, and he has a tendency to eat all my cotton candy…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 30, 2013, 18:44I missed your le birthday. I hope it was grand!
Posted by Ashley Austrew | January 29, 2013, 12:31Ashley,
Don’t fret! I am very late these days myself. Thank you…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 30, 2013, 18:42Tis a fine lady who doth send her man on an epic birthday quest.
Posted by Animockery | January 29, 2013, 13:21Animockery,
She is a magnificent™ woman, indeed.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 30, 2013, 18:41Happy belated. I’d say I hope you had a magical day, but when every day is fucking magical, I guess that goes without saying.
Posted by The Cutter | January 30, 2013, 10:16The Cutter,
Welcome back. How have you been? Are you enjoying Le Clown’s magic yet? Rumours say that if you tell you are friends with Le Clown at any store you shop, you will get a rebate on your purchases…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 30, 2013, 18:32The magic is magical.
And why am I just now hearing about this rebate deal? Do you know how much I’ve spent on furniture and stuff in the past two months?
Damn it, looks like my daughter’s going to public school.
Posted by The Cutter | January 31, 2013, 15:43It is very, very late over here but I just wanted to wish you (Eric) and Le Clown a very happy, belated birthday! I’m sad I missed all the fun when it originally happened but it sounds like you had a blast. I certainly had fun reading all the posts and following all the clues
Hope this year is filled with everything that makes you happy.
Posted by vyvacious | February 1, 2013, 06:15