Welcome to Sit Down & Shut Up, a weekly advice column hosted by Madame Weebles and Le Clown. Weebles and Le Clown are too wise for their own good; wisdom oozes out of their buttholes. This much concentrated wisdom cannot be contained between two blogs, it must be shared. This is their gift to you, readers. You can’t make ends meet on your meek salary? Having sex with your assault weapon doesn’t get you off anymore? Women, you want to learn who to pee while standing up? Ask Weebles, or Le Clown… ask Weebles and Le Clown. Don’t know where to start? Be inspired by our sample questions:
- I just broiled a steak for dinner but now I really don’t feel like having steak because I have an insane craving for pizza. Do I eat the steak or do I order pizza?
- What exactly is a choda, and how can I suck on one?
Sit Down & Shut Up will be featured alternately on both Fear No Weebles and A Clown on Fire. Madame Weebles and Le Clown would like to thank The Middlest Sister for creating the magnificent™ avatars, and Laments and Lullabies for the column’s title.
Brownie points for question starting with “Dearest Madame and Le Clown…”.
Ask away…
If I have to sit down and shut up, how can I ask a question? Do you read lips? Closed?
Posted by paralaxvu | January 21, 2013, 21:05Dear ParalaxVu,
Do you read lips?
No, but we can read.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 08:22Well, you just answered my next question;-)
OK, read this, Mister:
Posted by paralaxvu | January 22, 2013, 15:12So much for being cute and quick at the same time–one of the above comments was for Le Clown, one for Madame Weebles. You can figger it out yourselves. I think.
Posted by paralaxvu | January 22, 2013, 15:13Dearest ParalaxVu,
I haven’t seen you in ages, how are you? I don’t know about Le Clown, but I can read lips. I once did sign language interpreting during a ventriloquist’s show. His lips didn’t move once but I could still tell what he was saying. Yeah, I’m that good.
Peace out,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:11BTW, I am fine. Dick and Jane are fine. Spot has turned over another wastebasket and eaten all the paper. Baby says hello.
Posted by paralaxvu | January 22, 2013, 15:15Dearest Madame and Le Clown,
For the love of all things holy and sacred, I can hardly keep my pee in my pants. Thank-you for this. Here are my questions:
1. How the fuck do I follow all these fantastic questions without feeling completely lame?
2. I don’t even remember what my questions were… or do I?
3. What do I do if I’ve spent so much time reading your blog’s comments that I no longer have time to blog myself?
Forever and ever indebted to you,
CG.
Posted by crankygiraffe | January 21, 2013, 22:17Dear Cranky Giraffe,
I can hardly keep my pee in my pants.
And adult nappy is a good place to start if you suffer from incontinence. But you do not need me to state the obvious.
How the fuck do I follow all these fantastic questions without feeling completely lame?
Remind yourself that you’re a giraffe, and that you have coined the term necking. It should help you sleep at night.
I don’t even remember what my questions were… or do I?
It was about incontinence.
What do I do if I’ve spent so much time reading your blog’s comments that I no longer have time to blog myself?
Unfollow everyone but Le Clown and Madame Weebles… and everyone who follows both Senior Le Clown and Senorita Weebles.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 08:19Le Clown,
Thank-you for reminding me about my important contribution to the world of intimacy. However, who would ever want to engage in “necking” with anyone (or any giraffe) who is wearing a sopping wet nappy? You have only produced more questions…
Yours,
Cranky “to-busy-necking” Giraffe
Posted by crankygiraffe | January 22, 2013, 11:32Dearest Cranky Giraffe,
Hello! I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Madame Weebles. So pleased to make your acquaintance. Here are my answers to your questions:
1. You should never feel lame. The only lame question is a question NOT posed to me and Le Clown.
2. Is this a trick question? Hold me, I’m scared.
3. Have you considered time travel? This way you have all the time you need.
See you yesterday,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:14Madame Weebles,
It is my pleasure to meet you as well. I’ve seen you around but your all encompassing presence is intimidating. I’ve admired you from afar… And I sincerely hope your fitness challenge is keeping you tight and limber.
Time travel would solve all of my problems, both blogging and non-blogging. Have you ever experienced it? I just gave it a try and I put in my greatest effort. However, it only resulted in an exacerbation of my wet pants problem, which Le Clown so kindly informed me is called “incontinence.”
Posted by crankygiraffe | January 22, 2013, 11:39You know about the fitness challenge? I guess you *have* seen me around! That meizac is a stern taskmistress. Good thing I like her. I forgot to mention the whole incontinence thing while time traveling. I learned that the hard way too. But once you arrive at your destination you should be okay. It’s just the actual time travel that plays havoc with your bladder. Nothing that a pair of Depends can’t handle. Usually.
Also, I am now following your blog. Anyone who has a Maurice Sendak banner is okay in my book.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 12:17Le Clown and Madame -
It seems like a great time to jump into the advice biz – with the recent passing of Abby Landers. Have you considered the potential competition from Heloise? I hear she’s still providing helpful hints.
Posted by artsifrtsy | January 21, 2013, 22:34Dear L’Artsi,
You mean, this column is not unique? And what’s this about competition? Are you fucking with Le Clown?
And by Heloise, you meant Eloise, of course, and no, she ain’t competition, albeit being a nice melody:
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 08:08Le Clown – how could I have been so foolish – Eloise is clearly not competition.
Posted by artsifrtsy | January 22, 2013, 13:53Dearest Artsi,
I have to admit that I have used many of Heloise’s hints, because they are actually helpful. I’m quite certain we’re not in competition, though. I mean, does she speak to the gods? Does she have the ability to turn lead into gold? No, I didn’t think so. Stick with us, lady, we’ll never steer you wrong.
Milk and cookies,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:19Madame W – you are so right. She may be able to tell me how to get the tarnish off of that gold though…
Posted by artsifrtsy | January 22, 2013, 13:54Dearest Madame Weebles and Le Clown:
How does one manufacture an award Le Clown will accept, or how does one get over stubborn tendencies that make one want to do something one has been told they cannot?
On a totally unrelated note: how does one stop sending overly personal creepy emails when one is socially awkward, and how does one stop referring to oneself as a number?
Sincerely,
1
Posted by ponderingspawned | January 21, 2013, 23:23PS
I have received your email and seen your post. Le Clown has just been imposed bed rest because of a bad back and it has made him cranky and behind in answering back..Le Clown thinks you’re fucking awesome, 1 and is looking forward to answering you.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 05:42Dearest Madame Weebles and Le Clown,
1 has a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, it might be gas, only time will tell!
1
Posted by ponderingspawned | January 22, 2013, 09:07I’m also sorry to hear about your back =(
Posted by ponderingspawned | January 22, 2013, 09:08Dearest Pondering,
I realize that most of these questions were for Le Clown, but I’m pushy so I’m putting my $0.02 in anyway.
Le Clown has turned down many awards. However, if you were to give him an award sculpted out of poutine, I’m confident that he would happily accept it.
Why should you stop referring to yourself as a number? I say go with it. You’ve chosen a good number. It works for you. I think it’s quite becoming. And you can accessorize it in so many different ways. But don’t get me started on the number 5. Arrogant little bitch.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:22Dearest Madame Weelbes,
Thank you for your kind response, 1 is a good number! Though, a hippie once told me it was the loneliest number I could ever do, so maybe one day I’ll be the number 2, or even 3 or 4–never 7 though, out of respect for 8 and the dearly departed 9. We wont talk about number 5 . . .
Posted by ponderingspawned | January 24, 2013, 08:32I’ll FINALLY get the answer to, “Why are my beef curtains burning?”
Posted by Jen and Tonic | January 22, 2013, 00:40Dear Jen,
Your answer:
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 08:03This might answer some of my own questions, actually.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:23I guess that’s why my ass hurts too. This is very informational.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | January 22, 2013, 15:09Dearest Jen,
You know how people say “Were your ears burning” when someone has been talking about you? It’s a little-known fact that when someone is spanking the monkey while thinking about you, your beef curtains burn. You must be extremely popular. Right on, girl.
Proud to know you,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:26My self-esteem has never been higher!!!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | January 22, 2013, 15:08Dearest Madame and Le Clown,
Why are emoticons considered so vile?
Will either of you ever post a food recipe?
How can I learn to not be so mean to guys in bars? I can’t help but snap at dumbasses who don’t have the cajones to talk to me and ask their friends to come up to me but I also can’t stand a guy who doesn’t understand the meaning of “no”. I made both guys in both situations cry. Oops.
Best,
Vyvacious
Posted by vyvacious | January 22, 2013, 02:50Dear Vyv,
Why are emoticons considered so vile?
Why is the sky blue?
Why is Jesus blonde and have blue eyes?
Why is a beard so goddamn beautiful on a man?
Why did Anakin Skywalker turn to the dark side?
Will either of you ever post a food recipe?
Done: here.
Men who don’t have gonads of adamantium are called boys. My best advice is to keep away from boys, and go for men, preferably men who glow in the dark who ride unicorns.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 07:54Is the sky technically blue? Define blue. Explain to me why the sky IS really blue. Since you’re Le Clown, you should know.
Is Jesus really blonde? Sometimes it looks like he has brown hair…maybe because it’s dirty?
I don’t enjoy beards so much but I know that Becca does.
I have no idea because I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars movies…
Aaaand that’s not a recipe! But mmm poutine
Ooh good idea. I’ll put that in my dating profile
Posted by vyvacious | January 23, 2013, 01:37Dearest Vyvy,
I honestly don’t know why emoticons are considered so vile. Frankly, I like them. And to prove it, I’m going to defile this blog right here and now:
There. I feel better now.
For you, I will post a special recipe. Tell me what kind of recipe you want to see. Baking? Cooking? Some sort of potion?
As for your troubles with men, sister, I’ve been there. Do you know how many times I’ve made men cry? 37. And that’s just this week. If they can’t muster up the cojones, then trust me, you don’t want them. And if they can’t take “no” for an answer, sometimes you have to up the ante and give them a kick in the ass for an answer. What’s a girl to do? It’s not you, it’s them.
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:33I love that you don’t give a fuck what Le Clown thinks
Yaaaaaaaay!!! 
Ooh… I like baking so if you have a very special dessert, I’d love to see that…otherwise, a cooking recipe would be nice too because I don’t post those recipes enough on my site. I’m working on it though!
Hahaha, thank you, thank you, Madame Weebles! What great advice
Posted by vyvacious | January 23, 2013, 01:46Reblogged this on intoaparalleluniverse and commented:
This is hilarious.
Posted by intoaparalleluniverse | January 22, 2013, 05:25Dear Into parallel Universe,
Thank you for reblogging our very insightful advice column. You have made millions happy. Now you need to make Le Clown happy by asking him a question.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 07:48Dear Into parallel Universe (part II),
I see you have erased your reblog. Millions of souls are crying.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 09:42Then I take back what I said about loving her.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:56Dear Le Clown,
I didn’t realise I had and it still says reblogged..
Regardless, you are hilarious and I love this.
A Parallel Universe
Posted by intoaparalleluniverse | January 22, 2013, 13:52Dearest Into a Parallel Universe,
I don’t know you but I love you.
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:34I love you too, Madame Weebles.
A Parallel Universe
Posted by intoaparalleluniverse | January 22, 2013, 13:59Dear Clowny and Weebe,
First time reader, long time writer. Ah, reverse that. Okay, first let me thank you for allowing me to ask questions. For too long, I have been troubled without answers. In fact, I have spent my life without answers which in itself poses a question, but not one I wish to ask at this time. The question I wish to ask is not a complicated one, but still, one that needs a wise answer. I care not which of you answer this question, however, a reply from both of you would give me a fuller understanding of what I seek. Okay, here’s my question, when speaking to people, how do I get them to get to the point and not waste my time with rambling? Sincerely, Harper Faulkner (and, yes, that is my real name!)
Posted by harperfaulkner | January 22, 2013, 10:18Harper Faulkner,
There is no Clowny here. I guess your question if for that Weebe fellow…
Le Clown
PS: I envy you for Faulkner. I pity you for Harper. I guess you live in a constant state of dichotomy.
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 10:34Sorry. I meant no harm. I am but a wayward soul lost in a dark world. Please answer my question for it vexes me greatly. Your asskissing friend. HF
Posted by harperfaulkner | January 22, 2013, 10:40Dear Stephen Harper William Faulkner,
Only when you call me by my name.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 10:41Fuck it! I’ll wait for Weebs. She is much nicer and not nearly as touchy! Somewhere Dear Abby is turning over in her grave. Way to go Clowny! Harper LEE Faulkner
Posted by harperfaulkner | January 22, 2013, 10:44Dear Stephen Harper Lee Oswald William Faulkner,
I’ll let Clowny know if I ever bump into him.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 10:50Dear Le Clown,
I am crestfallen.
Crestfallen.
Crestfallen.
I shall turn to my two dear friends, Lance Armstrong and Manti Te’o, for some honest answers to me questions.
Crestfallenly,
HF
Posted by harperfaulkner | January 22, 2013, 11:25Your name is NOT seriously Harper Lee Faulkner, is it??? You’re shitting me. Because that’s just too awesome.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:55Dearest Harper,
So good to see you here!! You really do have the awesomest most writerly name ever. You really had no choice but to write with that name. Even if your heart’s desire was to be a longshoreman, you couldn’t do it. Not with that name. Nope. No sir. You know, sometimes I wish I could be a longshore worker—their union is kickass. But I mean, who do you have to kill to get acceptance to their ranks, you know? Do you know any longshoremen? Are they nice? Say hi to them for me and tell them I wish to join them.
Okay, as for an answer to your question. I know what you mean about seeking answers throughout your life. Life is a riddle that requires solving. Or at least pondering. Sometimes things become clear on their own, but sometimes you need to seek the wisdom of others. I know how that is. It’s the human condition, you know? This one time I thought I had figured something out on my own, but then later I realized, No, that’s not right. So then I was right back where I started and didn’t know where to turn. But it wasn’t my fault, there was a fork in the road and no signage. And Mapquest SUCKS. So I had to ask someone for directions. But the first two people I asked were from out of town and didn’t know their way around, so I had to wait for someone else to help me. Finally I got directions from a passing police officer. If it weren’t for him I’d probably still be standing there. I mean, what the fuck, who doesn’t put signposts at a fork in the road?
Anyway, I say, just tell everyone to get to the fucking point. Rambling is so irritating, isn’t it? Because not everyone has the time to just sit there listening/reading some long-winded gobbledygook (I’ve always liked that word, haven’t you? Say it with me: “Gobbledygook”–isn’t that fun?) just because they can’t be bothered to edit themselves and bullet point everything for you. I don’t need the backstory, or your little asides, or commentary, just get to the point. Like this one time, I was at work and one of my colleagues went into this ridiculous story about something or other, I didn’t really care, and I couldn’t really figure out why she was even telling me about it until FINALLY she segued from the story into her question, which was only barely related to her story but I can see how it was connected. Well not really, but sort of. And I thought “Oh my God, just tell me already! End the story! End it!”
So yeah. Does that help?
All joy in brevity,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:52It was the summer of ’62 in a hot Texas town when a very pregnant lady read a book that changed her life. The book was To Kill a Mockingbird. She determined whether boy or girl, the child she carried would be Harper Lee. And thus, in August of that year, a boy child was born and so named. His last name was not Faulkner and is not to this day, but his first name is indeed Harper and his middle name indeed Lee. Ah, but can the same be said for Le Clown or Madame Weebles? I think not. Questions, so many questions. By the way, you are much nicer than Le Clown who is a bit touchy. HF
Posted by harperfaulkner | January 22, 2013, 12:01Dear Mr. or Ms. Sensitive,
Le Clown is as soft as angels’ beef curtains, and sweet as a unicorn’s fart. I say we call a truce. Call me Mr. Le Clown, or Sir Le Clown, and all will be well.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 12:10It really says something about Le Clown when *I’m* good cop to his bad cop. And to your point, you’re right, my name is not Harper Lee. I’m sad that your last name isn’t actually Faulkner. Let me guess: it’s really Twain. No? Welty? Williams? Wolfe? Hurston? Capote? O’Connor? Warren? It’s one of those. I bet it is.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 13:10Smith–but I spell it Smyth. Just to be different. HF
Posted by harperfaulkner | January 22, 2013, 13:12I like it. I can easily picture that on the spine of a book.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 13:18Madame Weebles,
When did you turn into such a kiss-ass?
You make Little House in the Prairie look like an early Neil LaBute flick.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 13:21Blow me.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 13:21That’s why I love ya!
Posted by harperfaulkner | January 22, 2013, 14:49Should I be a goatherd?
Posted by heylookawriterfellow | January 22, 2013, 10:26Dear Hey Look A Long Moniker,
Goatherd is an ugly word. As is Paul Ryanerd.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 10:31I have no intention or interest in caring for and feeding Paul Ryan. Quite the opposite, really.
Posted by heylookawriterfellow | January 22, 2013, 10:35Dear Hey Look A Long Moniker,
This makes us BFF4EVS™.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 10:36Excellent. Be well, Clown.
Posted by heylookawriterfellow | January 22, 2013, 10:37Dearest Mike,
I think you’d be an excellent goatherd. But I think you should start with mouseherding. I hear you’re excellent at it.
Say hi to Corky & Cornelius for me,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 11:54Wise counsel. I shall start small.
C&C send their love.
Posted by heylookawriterfellow | January 22, 2013, 13:50Dearest Madame and Le Clown,
(hello, did no one read that part?) How the hell do I get from Tel Aviv to Seattle without all of the shit I’m dealing with. Really! It seemed easy when I booked it. Shouldn’t Frankfurt, Germany be accustomed to snow by now? (Who knew that snow would be in at least two of these responses—the same snow storm in Europe.) Shouldn’t Lufthansa’s Israeli staff be able to re-book someone without making them wait 8 hours, and talking to them with a rude, shitty, condescending attitude that entire 8 hours? I figured I would throw out both of those questions, as I enter my 46th hour awake (please Adam!) and my 35th hour of travel.
Le Clown, as a side note: I have been re-routed through Toronto! I tried to find some poutine while at the airport, but I was slurring my speech, and they kept thinking I wanted pudding. Merde!
Tales from Hell
PS) please, please Le Clown, take pity and be a wee bit kind here… I am starving, and need that brownie sugar coated.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | January 22, 2013, 12:02Tales From the Motherland,
I like you. I will be nice. Because you ask so nicely. About Toronto, the only thing they know is how to play bad hockey. They do not know of poutine, they eat brown food: friend chicken, fried fish, fried batter…
I hope you make it all right. I’ll be rooting for you. I’ll send you Le Clown positive vibes. I’ll pray to the God I do not believe in, he usually answers me.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 12:35Geddy Lee lives in Toronto, thus, Toronto is beautiful and wonderful.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 12:52Wait! You like me?? Wow. An epiphany that helps me forge on. semi-colon + dash + right parenthesis. I am now home. Amen! Thanks for the good vibes Monsieur Le Clown.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | January 22, 2013, 13:46Go ahead, use it. You know you want to.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 13:55I do love you so Madame.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | January 22, 2013, 14:03Dearest Tales from Hell,
Does El Al not fly direct from Tel Aviv to Seattle? That’s BULLSHIT. They should fly direct to/from anywhere you want to go. Let me make some calls. In the meantime, I’m disappointed in Lufthansa’s attitude. You’d think they would be warm and fuzzy, like most German companies are. But while you’re in Toronto, you can bask in the glow of being in Geddy Lee’s hometown. Do it for me, if not for yourself.
Fly By Night,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 13:02Merci Madame! My comments to you and Sir Le Clown went out nearly 12 hrs after I sent them… I believe because I was en route and a bunch of my emails, etc were held and then went when I was on line again. Who knows! I think El Al does have direct flights, but they were so much more at the time. As for Lufthansa, it is not the company that was the problem but the Israeli mentality… of very poor customer service. It was bullshit of the grandest proportions! As for basking… I could barely see straight, let alone bask in anything. By the time I hit Vancouver, and then home, I’d been up for 53 hrs (- 2 short naps) and travelled for 35 hrs!! Thanks Madame! Next time I’ll seek your advice earlier.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | January 22, 2013, 13:52Oy gevalt, I’m getting tired just reading about your odyssey. Sleep well!
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 13:58Dearest Madame and Le Clown:
1. How do we attain world peace and eliminate world hunger?
2. Is electroshock treatment good for genital warts?
Sincerely,
C-a-L
Posted by Curmudgeon-at-Large | January 22, 2013, 12:17C-a-L,
1. We elect Le Clown as President of the World.
2. No, but electroshock are good with a side order of quinoa.
Le Clown
PS: I will be interviewing Jesus this week, and I intend to ask him about our Pluto project. Do you have a question you’d like me to ask him?
Posted by Le Clown | January 22, 2013, 12:29Ask him for the name of a good restaurant on Pluto, please.
Posted by Curmudgeon-at-Large | January 22, 2013, 12:40Shouldn’t you ask fleas?
Posted by harperfaulkner | January 22, 2013, 12:57Ba dum dum. He’s here all week, folks! Don’t forget to tip your server, and please try the veal!
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 13:04Nice! You are so much fun to talk to and communicate with. You’re never mean and nasty. Looking forward to asking you many questions in the future. Loved your answer to the last one. Very succinct and to the point! HF
Posted by harperfaulkner | January 22, 2013, 13:08Dearest Curmudgeon,
1. Cupcakes. Lots and lots of cupcakes.
2. Not always. Sometimes they still have mental problems after treatment and need another blast.
Love,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 13:38Dearest Madame and Le Clown…
I need to convince a certain morning show producer that I don’t actually suck, even though sales of my first book would appear to indicate I have the literary skills of a Kardashian.
What the hell do I do? I actually hate languishing in obscurity, it’s lonely and I keep hearing things in the shadows…
Posted by The Hook | January 22, 2013, 16:19Dearest Mr. Hook,
It is a sad truth that most morning show producers have the intellectual breadth of a Kardashian. But that doesn’t mean all is lost. There’s a tried-and-true method of persuasion that has held me in good stead for many years: blackmail. Surely you can find some good dirt on someone. Or, manufacture it. Get a photo of aforementioned producer and Photoshop them into a deeply humiliating position. Share your concern with the producer that you would *hate* to have to reveal those photos to the public, but a good plug of your book could make those photos disappear forever.
Do this, and you shall languish in darkness and obscurity no more. Sorry about the noises you heard in the shadows, though—that was just me. I hope you don’t mind. I find your presence soothing.
Love what you’re wearing today, by the way,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 18:00Thanks! It’s “Superhero t-shirt Tuesday”! I’m the Flash!
And I appreciate the advice; blackmail sounds good!
Posted by The Hook | January 22, 2013, 18:14Dearest Madame and Le Clown,
How can I make the British equivalent of red necks who live across from me understand that parking directly opposite my driveway on a narrow road when there is 4 inches of snow on the ground is not a good plan? Oh and any suggestions as to how to get them to move away and find another street to live on would be much appreciated too.
Cordially,
Mel
Posted by scienerf | January 22, 2013, 16:21Dearest Mel,
Rednecks suck no matter what country they live in. My sympathies. Have you considered accidentally ramming into their car about 10-15 times? If you’d rather not mess up your car doing that, then I suggest the same thing I suggested to Mr. Hook above: blackmail. Get a good telephoto lens and take photos of them, then have them Photoshopped into a compromising position. Promise them that these photos will disappear if, and ONLY if, they move the fuck away from you.
Happy hunting,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 22, 2013, 18:07My dear Madame Weebles,
Ohhh blackmail now there’s an idea! Hmmmm I hear ebay calling 
That thought has crossed my mind many, many, many…many times but I’d rather not lose my no claims bonus
Mel xox
Posted by scienerf | January 23, 2013, 06:13I’m sure I could contribute to this if I were awake. I could even read the comments. Maybe.
Posted by Val | January 22, 2013, 21:47Oh go ahead, Val—come on, let’s dance! Give us your best shot.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 23, 2013, 21:08Ok. Here’s my problem. I have a jar of honey. It’s the bees knees. Or rather, it’s full of bees knees. My problem is – how do I make sure they are the bees knees and not the bees bollocks?
Posted by Val | January 24, 2013, 17:10Cher Madame & M. Le Clown,
It may be worth noting a secondary Sit Down and Shut Up piece of text as written by Buddhist Punk Rocker Brad Warner; while it may lack some of L’(Clown)edge it offers other wisdoms… none perhaps that can resolve the question, in -20 C weather, how many pairs of socks need Le Clown sport in his clown shoes? And to that err, do clown shoes and socks work in the same ratio as Le Clown’s car and other clowns?
Beau Journée!
Posted by holdontoyourpants | January 23, 2013, 07:11Dearest Pants,
Since these questions appear to be directed to Monsieur Le Clown, I will allow him to answers them on his own. But if I were to answer them, I would say 6 pairs, and it depends.
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 23, 2013, 21:10I feel it is a fair assessment, I assure you I will direct all questions at the next forum (presuming there will be one) to you, Madame Weebles.
Posted by holdontoyourpants | January 25, 2013, 08:56Dear Pants,
Le Clown is a tad behind on answering all these magnificent™ questions. Now, wear was I (I’m sorry, I thought this was funny). Ah hum… Where was I? I am made of 100% pur Canadian leather, and my bones, of adamantium. I do not wear socks, and I walk barefoot in the snow.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 25, 2013, 09:05Dearest Madame and Le Clown…
Can you figure out our neighborhood’s trash schedule for when (like there was this week) there is a federal holiday on a Monday? It’s so embarassing to be the only house with a trash can out in front of it on a Tuesday morning.
Posted by The Cutter | January 23, 2013, 12:39Dearest Cutter,
Your garbage will be picked up tonight, Wednesday. In the event that it is *not* picked up, however, just leave it in front of your neighbor’s door. That’s what I do.
Don’t forget to recycle,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 23, 2013, 21:12How about that? It was picked up! Thanks ever so much! And speaking of recycling, any idea when that will be picked up?
Posted by The Cutter | January 24, 2013, 09:01If the schedule is adhered to properly, then the recycling will be picked up tonight. Yes.
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 24, 2013, 23:17Thus far, I can’t confirm if this has come to pass. I will alert you as soon as I know, as I assume you are on the edge of your seat in anticipation.
Posted by The Cutter | January 25, 2013, 10:51Recycling was collected on Saturday. I am left more confused than ever.
Posted by The Cutter | January 29, 2013, 21:33Dearest Madame and Le Clown,
How do I make the weird neighbor across the street leave us alone? We’ve been here about 2 months and he’s already given us a box filled with a Mardi Gras t-shirt, an old belt, his mother’s old Christmas ornaments, and some incense. He said the incense was for me, since I have ” a lot of piercings and stuff” and likely burn incense a lot. Then he took a picture of our Christmas lights and stuffed it in our mailbox with no note attached. I only knew it was him because it was obviously taken from his bedroom window…..
In desperate need of your wise words,
Nicole Marie
Posted by Nicole Marie | January 23, 2013, 17:16Dearest Nicole Marie,
Looks like someone has an admirer! Is he hot? Does he have any tattoos? Because tattoos are hot. Has he cut off any body parts and presented them to you as a gift? Have you asked him how far he’d go to prove his love for you? If he says he’d commit murder, you’ve got yourself a keeper. Congratulations on your extraordinary good fortune, and enjoy!
Give him my phone number,
Madame Weebles
Posted by Madame Weebles | January 23, 2013, 21:16Madame Weebles,
Thank you! He’s old, and I haven’t noticed any tattoos. He has lots of ship wreck memorabilia in his garage, so he probably has an anchor on his arm. I put your phone number and a link to your blog on the windshield of his old pickup truck.I also provided him with a list of your favorite body parts.
Thanks again,
Nicole Marie
Posted by Nicole Marie | January 25, 2013, 11:11Dearest Madame and Le Clown,
Why cannot I not get enough of the word “funicular”?
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | March 1, 2013, 07:49Denise,
Le Clown and Weebles have closed this thread.
I’m sorry, you will have to find your own answers.
If you want to talk sex, or love, join us here:
http://fearnoweebles.wordpress.com/2013/03/01/sit-down-shut-up-volume-ii
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | March 1, 2013, 07:54Damn, I never get that right.
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | March 1, 2013, 07:55uh oh
Posted by pouringmyartout | March 1, 2013, 13:22