WHY A PERSONAL ASSISTANT FOR LE CLOWN?
Le Clown is three degrees of separation from Tom Cruise, three times over. Le Clown thinks its prudent to augment his security details. Introducing Subcomandante.
Subcomandante was born and raised in a chicken coop. Free range, though, so social services were never called. After watching her family get slaughtered and turned into food for evil overlords, and watching hundreds of her unborn brothers and sisters get abducted, Subcomandante decided to fight back. Fleeing the coop at the tender age of 163 (in chicken years) she swore she would take back the power and the land that was stolen from her fowl. Since that fateful day, she has remained anonymous to protect her identity but fought tirelessly for those who are enslaved, exiled, mistreated, and forgotten. It was good work but ya can’t pay the bills with courage. Subcomandante has tried. So now, she works for Le Clown, which also doesn’t pay, but has better dental.
WHY SubC MAKES A GOOD ASSISTANT
- SubC never sleeps. Except on days with an “a”.
- SubC is ruthless. Except to baby mammals like otter pups. She’s not made of stone.
- SubC has iron will and no amount of money less than $80 dollars can sway her. Nor nude photos, unless they’re of otter pups.
- SubC has a heart, and understands the suffering of the people. She’s been there, man.
- SubC likes the idea of protecting a celebrity.
A MESSAGE FROM SUBCOMANDANTE
It is a great privilege to take on the role of Subcomandante. I promise, on my hono(u)r, to do my duty to ACOF, and you. I am the gatekeeper, assuring the safety and privacy of Le Clown. I am the virtual body guard, protecting and deflecting assault from the ethersphere. I am the strict parent who can say “no” with authority, will not let you stay up late on school nights, so you can stop asking right now. In short, if you want to get to him, you’ll have to go through me first. So it shall be.
p.s. Super nice to meet you.
Do you, dear Carnies, have any queries for Subcomandante? Now is your chance. Questions regarding “the incident” of January 1, 1994, are strictly forbidden.
Subcomandante is NOT Le Clown, nor his very sensitive and whiny author. Subcomandante is not a character, but a living and breathing force to be reckoned with.