The Great XMAS Blogroll Induction Extravaganza – Day 9.
Lyssa and I go back, way back: I was not even a one-month old blogger when I wrote my first comment on her blog… She knew L’Éric before Le Clown was even created. We weren’t super tight… not as tight as a kitten’s anus anyway. We were more like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie: frenemies. Time passed, and Le Clown became an international blogging superstar. That is when Lyssa made her first appearance on my blog, begging to be on my blogroll. The spotlight was on Paris, and Nicole was craving some of that warm and fuzzy limelight. Well today is your day, Lyssa. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame. Oh, Carnies: ask Lyssa anything you want: it’s Free Therapy Consultation Day on ACOF!
2012 has been one hell of a year for me. I became a licensed therapist despite exhibiting clinical levels of cray-cray, got engaged duped a handsome gentleman into giving me a diamond and posing for pictures where we’re both contractually smiling, was recently Freshly Pressed (and my post even had the F-word in it, for fuck’s sake), and, most importantly, I’ve finally been cured of my lifelong phobia of clowns.
(Photo credit: ponderabout.com)
Indeed, my paralyzing Coulrophobia all started when I saw Poltergeist as a young child – otherwise known as that one movie where the most horrible parents in the world bought the freakiest clown doll known to man and then sat it in a chair to watch their child sleep without considering the possibility that their house was built on an ancient burial ground whose dead spirits were none too pleased.
My lifelong struggle with fear is heeeeere. (Photo credit: The Green Head)
My post traumatic stress and parental resentment severely deepened after receiving a similarly terrifying clown doll of my very own. Being the budding therapist that I was, I naturally attempted to grab my fear by the red, squishy ball and give it a big fuck you.
Thanks, Mom, for capturing this lovely moment on film. Good thing we’re wearing masks.
My little brother willingly participated in this fear-busting case study in the name of science that involved us not only dressing up as clowns, but parading ourselves up and down the street to show the world how good we were at faking fearlessness. Let the record show – willingly, even though he’s wearing a skirt. Hell, we were progressive like that and my dress-up clothes only included those of the feminine variety. That, and Mom said I had to include him. Judge the clown, not us.
Looking back, I think I went a bit overboard with this course of treatment. After that I switched to a daily regimen of strawberry, Xanax, and vodka protein shakes.
Fast forward through the Birthday Party Debacle of 1994, the not-so-Sexy Circus Frat Party Incident of 2002, and years of therapy to February of 2012 when a clown of a certain charm started liking my posts. I didn’t know what to think. He was kind, but odd. Clever, yet disturbing. He was Canadian…of the French variety. And in my daily afternoon naps, he sounded like Iron Man.
And yet…
Could I trust him that every day was indeed fucking magical?
Could I trust that White Baby Jesus really loves me as much as this grown clownman says he does?
Could I trust him to not watch me sleep while he plotted my slow and violent death?
After months of hilarious, heartfelt, and vulgar interaction, I finally realized that it was true…that he was MagnificentTM! And just like that, my cloud of fear and trauma was consumed by the fire in Le Clown’s eyes.
Because curing me of my childhood trauma wasn’t enough, I also knew I had finally passed the test of becoming a critically acclaimed writer, not when I was Freshly Pressed, but when Le Clown called me a Pain In The AssTM and then proceeded to offer me a spot on his MagnificentTM blogroll.
I might as well let myself go now, because it doesn’t get any better than this, folks.
Pass the mocha chip.
Suggested posts:
I could use a strawberry, Xanax, and vodka protein shake right about now. Happy New Year to you, LeClown, and to your Magnificent blogroll!
Posted by H.E. ELLIS | December 28, 2012, 08:13I just had two this morning to start my day. I’ll move to meth before the light fades from the sky.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:21My protein shakes have coke, Southern Comfort, and prozac….without the protein. Congrats on making the Magnificent ™ blogroll!
Posted by twindaddy | December 28, 2012, 08:23I like your twist on an old favorite, only I can’t stand SoCo….
To each his own.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:22I’ll look past that…only because you’re a fellow carnie.
Posted by twindaddy | December 28, 2012, 13:16Le Clown,
Another magnificent™ addition. I am already a follower of Lyssapants and consider her my blogging therapist.
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | December 28, 2012, 08:28It’s true, I analyze your blog posts whether you like it or not.
You’re officially cray.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:23Loving your spot light on talent (blogroll)….Nothing mundane (my pet peeve) about any of them! Thanks for all your efforts to stop the mundane creeping into my 2012! Wishing you and your gang and a very happy and healthy 2013!
Posted by asklotta | December 28, 2012, 08:30All joking aside, I think one of the best compliments is to be called not boring.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:24I agree….I was complimenting! Great writing!
Posted by asklotta | December 28, 2012, 23:42Not a day has gone by where we are not entertained by an addition to the BlogRoll of Wonderesness (Should that have a TM?). Today is no exception.
Posted by Addie | December 28, 2012, 08:43I’d like to be Princess Wonderesness!!!
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:25Cheers to one of the best descriptions of the Magnificent ™ one of the best I’ve seen. Congrats … and don’t forget your badge. … and consider marketing your shakes in 2013.
Posted by aFrankAngle | December 28, 2012, 09:01What a great idea! Psychobabble Shakes…for those who need some more crazy in their lives.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:26Welcome Lyssapants (aka: Psychobabble)! Love your posts, and your carnie acceptance speech is fantastic! It’s a great way to zip into 2013!
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | December 28, 2012, 09:42I hope 2013 feels like a Snuggie but looks like a Vera Wang
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:27Love that! Today, I needed it. Thanks.
Posted by talesfromthemotherland | December 28, 2012, 12:37I need to get in touch with my Xanax provider, gotta try that protein shake.
I just checked your blog Lyssa, I already like you.
Posted by Doggy's Style | December 28, 2012, 09:45My chronic fear of rejection was just lessened.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:28Congrats, Lyssa! I don’t know you and nor do you know me, but I do remember reading your lace and awkward post and it made me laugh and like most, I love to laugh. I’ll definitely be hitting up your blog now as we all know, whomever Le Clown/Le Eric thinks is a Pain In The Ass(tm) is most [insert synonym of awesome since awesome is tres generic].
Posted by Combat Babe | December 28, 2012, 10:23I do remember your comments on that post, and I do believe I read you on Black Box Warnings.
We’re sure to be BFFs in no time!
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:29I would love that!
Posted by Combat Babe | December 28, 2012, 12:40Psychobabble is on Le Clown’s blogroll, and all is right with the world.
Posted by Emily @ The Waiting | December 28, 2012, 10:34I feel the same way…..now where the hell did my mint choc chip go?!
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:30I am glad to be ahead of Le Clown’s trends (twice now) and already have subscribed to the blogging therapist. Lyssa, it is good to see you here in your rightful place. I hope you can whip Le Clown into a frenzy – much like a smoothie looks when the sum of its parts are less than the whole. Welcome!
Posted by iRuniBreathe | December 28, 2012, 11:02If you’re talking about injecting Le Clown with bubbly deliciousness….done and done.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:31You are good.
(He likes limes with his soda water).
Posted by iRuniBreathe | December 28, 2012, 12:33Meditation,
You have inside information… Thanks for making sure I get a proper Le Clown drink.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | December 28, 2012, 12:35Le Clown,
I pay attention. You never know when a little info can be of use.
Brussel Sprout
Posted by iRuniBreathe | December 28, 2012, 12:38Noted.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:37Another one Le Clown???? Sighhhh . Okay. Congrats Lyssa! I bow to you. Le Clown has great taste! Anyway, I am off to check Lyssa out! Will probably love the blog (I usually go with Le Clowns taste) and follow. I am a good carnie. See ya later. Congrats again.
Posted by JackieP | December 28, 2012, 11:36Jackie,
Yes, I will be showcasing one blogger until the end of year, with a very special post on the 31st, by a very special blogroll induction. I’m quite excited about that one…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | December 28, 2012, 11:38You know I tease. I always look forward to your blog roll inductees. They are always entertaining. You have great taste in blogs my friend.
Posted by JackieP | December 28, 2012, 11:45Le Clown: less filling, great taste. Just like those Xanax shakes.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:32hahaha! Not even going there.
Posted by JackieP | December 28, 2012, 13:07Reblogged this on Psychobabble and commented:
I can now die happy, for I earned (and begged for) a spot on Le Clown’s blogroll!!!!
In honor of me, it’s Free Therapy Consultation Day at A Clown On Fire. Hit me up with your best symptoms and I’ll whip up a treatment plan that will almost always include ice cream.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:15I heart Lyssapants. That is all.
I lied. There’s more.
The symptoms: I want to be famous. I am jealous of famous bloggers. I dream about taking their Google Page Ranks and their millions of readers and their advertising dollars and going to Vegas like a big kid. What should I do?
Posted by Quirky Chrissy | December 28, 2012, 12:21First: keep blogging. Blog about poop, cuz that seems to work for me.
Next: find a blogger who’s easy to stalk and take copious notes. Try to avoid restraining orders.
Last: eat some more ice cream.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:35Will do. I don’t know why more people don’t blog about poop.
Thanks Lyssa!
Posted by Quirky Chrissy | December 28, 2012, 12:38Lyssa,
You are fucking hilarious.
Is there a connection between a Le Clown blogroll induction and food poisoning?
I hope you’re feeling better.
Red
Posted by SocietyRed | December 28, 2012, 12:22I guess gastro-pyrotechnics is the price to pay for Magnificence(tee em)
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 12:36Being my all time favourite horror movie, I just introduced my 13 and 11 year old girls to Poltergeist a couple of months ago. I couldn’t hold out any longer. They do not seem disturbed and in fact giggle at the clown and the skeletons in the muddy pool. Now I’m wondering what they’re repressing. Shit.
Wait, what am I repressing?
Posted by denmother | December 28, 2012, 14:07You’re repressing your penis envy and your deep-seeded love for your father.
Either that, or you like horror movies.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 18:17Lyssa,
This is the second time you make Le Clown lawl today.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | December 28, 2012, 18:18Third time’s a charm – bring it on!!
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 18:19Hmmm. The penis envy would certainly explain my posts about Brad Pitt’s penis. Scary, but wow, you’re good. I must follow.
Posted by denmother | December 29, 2012, 09:15Lyssa, I’m glad you got over your clown trauma. What a relief. That was a wonderful acceptance post into his blogroll. That was Magnificent with a TM. You want to believe that every day is fucking magical, right? Congrats to you. I’m always in need of therapy. I hope I don’t get on your nerves or anything.
Posted by The Bumble Files | December 28, 2012, 14:07I have nerves of steel.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 18:18Strawberry, Xanax, and vodka protein shake? Dammit! How did you get my breakfast menu?
Completely understand your fear of clowns and the bizarre parenting methods that led to your career choice. My father was a psychiatrist: As a result I am also completely batshit.
Your acceptance speech was hysterical. Can see why Le Clown inducted you!
Lyssa, are now a heroine to me, not just because of your writing. Being Freshly Pressed on a post containing the word Fuck is an extraordinary feat. Hell yes!
Posted by Rachael Black | December 28, 2012, 16:55Fuck yeah!
and I am so sorry you grew up with a psychiatrist for a dad. I grieve for my own unborn children.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 18:19If you should breed put aside an extra 100K for therapy, analysis, meds. For your kids I mean.
Posted by Rachael Black | December 28, 2012, 18:21Good point. I think I need to take out a loan.
Posted by Lyssapants | December 28, 2012, 18:41Start with taking out a few bottles of good Scotch.
For you I mean
Posted by Rachael Black | December 28, 2012, 18:47Lyssa,
Congratulations! I believe we have a *free* therapy session pending. One involving foam bats?
Posted by Adam S | December 28, 2012, 18:26Lyssa, good post and congrats. I want to know how Le Clown knows that a kitten’s asshole is tight. Just wonderin’.
Posted by writerwendyreid | December 28, 2012, 18:41I can’t seem to get a date with a man who isn’t married, or doesn’t have a DSM diagnosis. What’s a FBG to do??
Posted by Fat Bottom Girl | December 28, 2012, 19:42Congrats! Excellent and well-deserved addition to the blogroll!
Posted by anxietyadventures | December 28, 2012, 22:14I am mesmerized. Clowns, Freud, kittens, frenenemies, Lyssa… it’s pretty magical all up in here.
Posted by It's A Dome Life | December 28, 2012, 23:09Great work so far, Lyssa!
Posted by The Hook | December 30, 2012, 17:04