A few years back, during a short gig as a web strategist for a non-profit organization, a colleague had something to tell me: “Dude, do you ever look like a Jew“. She emptied her heart, it came out as is. If I recall correctly, it was on a Wednesday morning; it was random. Initially, it got my blood boiling—I mean, if there was ever a case of racial discrimination, that was the mother of them all. I calmed down. I did… She was a young shiksa, a hard worker, but not the brightest hamantash. I brewed myself a coffee, and moved on. An hour later, she sends me an email, with this picture attached:
The message? “See, you do look Jewish!! LOL. Tongue out emoticon“. Oy vey! That wasn’t kosher, and that gentile was not going to get away with blatant racism… I told my supervisor the whole megillah. I kvetched to her about the office shmegegge, and after a few laughs, she said: “I’m sorry, but you do look Jewish…” A few weeks later, once I had secured a new position elsewhere, I gave my resignation. Fucking shmendriks, they’re all meshugah.
I have often been told that I look like David Schwimmer, Adam Sandler, and Rabbi Krinsky. But what actually does it mean to look like a Jew? The following is an essay comparing Le Clown and Jewish celebrities, for the sole purpose of elucidating what’s behind this offensive racist stereotype, as most Jews are prettier than Le Clown.
The older demographics of my readership will remember Le Clown as the evil Master Control Program in the original Tron. Quite honestly, the only thing a dreidel and Le Clown have in common is the ability to spin on itself and plotz on its tuchis in front of a crowd.
Like Woody, Le Clown is obsessed with love, sex, death, God™ and art… but I have only dated women my age, or older. I am also, indubitably, much, Much, MUCH prettier than Mr. Allen, and I have a larger shvantz. Would I still borrow his orgasmatron, for a decade or two? Of course… provided it has reached the age of majority.
SAMMY DAVIS JR
So what if I played the lead role in the classic The Jazz Singer? Saying I look like Sammy Davis Jr because I painted my face black is beyond offensive, even under Le Clown’s standards. So piss off, racist chazer.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
I have none. It’s the fucking Holidays, and you should be doing something else than reading blogs, like noshing on ruggeleh… To all my fellow bloggers, Merry Christmas, Happy belated Hanukkah (remember, my American readers outside of New York: Hanukkah is not a Jewish Christmas), happy Kwanzaa, and yaddi-yaddi-yadda on your secular and non denominational celebrations. Be safe, be happy, be loving. L’Chiam!
- Tsuris: Trouble, woe, suffering;
- Shiksa: Gentile woman;
- Hamantash: A filled-pocket cookie or pastry in Jewish cuisine;
- Oy vey: Oh pain or woe is me ot no way;
- Kosher: Food that may be consumed according to Jewish law;
- Gentile: The general implication of the word is “non-Jew”;
- Megillah: A tediously detailed or embroidered account;
- Kvetch: To complain;
- Shmegegge: Nonsense;
- Shmendrik: Dumbass;
- Meshuggah: Crazy;
- Plotz: To collapse;
- Tuchis: Ass;
- Shvantz: Penis;
- Chazer: Pig;
- Noshing: Nibble;
- Ruggeleh: Rolled pastry made with nuts;
- L’Chiam!: A toast: To life!;
- Shvartze: Black;
- Toda: Thank you;
- Le Clown: Fucking genius.