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From the Book of Le Clown...
Clowning

Jesus Christ, You’re Such a Fuckin’ Jew Boy

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MY TSURIS

A few years back, during a short gig as a web strategist for a non-profit organization, a colleague had something to tell me: “Dude, do you ever look like a Jew“. She emptied her heart, it came out as is. If I recall correctly, it was on a Wednesday morning; it was random. Initially, it got my blood boiling—I mean, if there was ever a case of racial discrimination, that was the mother of them all. I calmed down. I did… She was a young shiksa, a hard worker, but not the brightest hamantash. I brewed myself a coffee, and moved on. An hour later, she sends me an email, with this picture attached:

Jewish Look-alikes

The message? “See, you do look Jewish!! LOL. Tongue out emoticon“. Oy vey! That wasn’t kosher, and that gentile was not going to get away with blatant racism…  I told my supervisor the whole megillah. I kvetched to her about the office shmegegge, and after a few laughs, she said: “I’m sorry, but you do look Jewish…” A few weeks later, once I had secured a new position elsewhere, I gave my resignation. Fucking shmendriks, they’re all meshugah.

I have often been told that I look like David Schwimmer, Adam Sandler, and Rabbi Krinsky. But what actually does it mean to look like a Jew? The following is an essay comparing Le Clown and Jewish celebrities, for the sole purpose of elucidating what’s behind this offensive racist stereotype, as most Jews are prettier than Le Clown.

THE DREIDEL

Master Control Program

The older demographics of my readership will remember Le Clown as the evil Master Control Program in the original Tron. Quite honestly, the only thing a dreidel and Le Clown have in common is the ability to spin on itself and plotz on its tuchis in front of a crowd.

WOODY ALLEN

Woody Allen

Like Woody, Le Clown is obsessed with love, sex, death, God™ and art… but I have only dated women my age, or older. I am also, indubitably, much, Much, MUCH prettier than Mr. Allen, and I have a larger shvantz. Would I still borrow his orgasmatron, for a decade or two? Of course… provided it has reached the age of majority.

SAMMY DAVIS JR

Sammy Davis Junior

So what if I played the lead role in the classic The Jazz Singer? Saying I look like Sammy Davis Jr because I painted my face black is beyond offensive, even under Le Clown’s standards. So piss off, racist chazer.

FIDDLER ON THE ROOF

Fiddler on the Roof

I never saw Fiddler on the Roof, but I did see other Norman Jewison movies, like that film about that famous Jewish man who got fucked by his dad, Jesus-Christ Superstar… It was rad, and I liked it.

THE CONCLUSION

I have none. It’s the fucking Holidays, and you should be doing something else than reading blogs, like noshing on ruggeleh… To all my fellow bloggers, Merry Christmas, Happy belated Hanukkah (remember, my American readers outside of New York: Hanukkah is not a Jewish Christmas), happy Kwanzaa, and yaddi-yaddi-yadda on your secular and non denominational celebrations. Be safe, be happy, be loving. L’Chiam!

Le Black Jesus

IF ANYTHING, LE CLOWN MAKES A CONVINCING SHVARTZE JESUS CLAUS™

A special secular toda to Betty and Adrienne for editing the Jewish terms.

GLOSSARY

  • Tsuris: Trouble, woe, suffering;
  • Shiksa: Gentile woman;
  • Hamantash: A filled-pocket cookie or pastry in Jewish cuisine;
  • Oy vey: Oh pain or woe is me  ot no way;
  • Kosher: Food that may be consumed according to Jewish law;
  • Gentile: The general implication of the word is “non-Jew”;
  • Megillah: A tediously detailed or embroidered account;
  • Kvetch: To complain;
  • Shmegegge: Nonsense;
  • Shmendrik: Dumbass;
  • Meshuggah: Crazy;
  • Plotz: To collapse;
  • Tuchis: Ass;
  • Shvantz: Penis;
  • Chazer: Pig;
  • Noshing: Nibble;
  • Ruggeleh: Rolled pastry made with nuts;
  • L’Chiam!: A toast: To life!;
  • Shvartze: Black;
  • Toda: Thank you;
  • Le Clown: Fucking genius.
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About Le Clown

Founder and CEO of everything I write. Author of A Clown on Fire, Black Box Warnings, and The Outlier Collective. Important guy™.

Discussion

111 Responses to “Jesus Christ, You’re Such a Fuckin’ Jew Boy”

  1. Le Clown,
    Had a sit down with Saint Nick last night. I offered him some cookies, but he only took lemon tea…….said you had punched him in the throat earlier………
    RidicuRyder

    Posted by ridicuryder | December 25, 2012, 07:43
    Reply to this comment

  2. Le C.,
    Merry Christmas to you, too.
    It’s the fucking Holidays, yes, but why should I be doing something else than reading your blog, like noshing on ruggeleh (I don’t like nuts, bleah!), since YOU bragged YOU will write a post and since my devil kid was in need of her beauty sleep?
    mmkng

    Posted by mmkng | December 25, 2012, 08:02
    Reply to this comment

  3. Le Clown,
    I’m not going to schmooze you or get all schmaltzy on your ass, but you’re the tsveybest; the yiddisher kop.
    A gutn tog!
    Red

    Posted by SocietyRed | December 25, 2012, 08:05
    Reply to this comment

  4. This may be the funniest friggin thing I’ve ever read, and I’ve read some funny shit. Holy crap, LeClown. You’ve made my Christmas.

    Posted by H.E. ELLIS | December 25, 2012, 08:11
    Reply to this comment

    • H.E. Ellis,
      You say the most wonderful things! And don’t worry, no one will say you’re praising a false idol, only Jesus, but he died, many years ago…. God rests his soul. Happy holidays!
      Le Clown

      Posted by Le Clown | December 25, 2012, 09:52
      Reply to this comment

  5. Sorry that happened to you, LeClown. Some people are just really stupid and ignorant (and racist). Joyeux Noël and Happy Holidays and all that stuff even though Hanukkah is over and Kwaanza has yet to begin.

    Posted by mairedubhtx | December 25, 2012, 08:39
    Reply to this comment

    • Maire,
      I mean, tell me I look like Adam Sandler or David Duchvony, I don’t give a fuck, although I do think I’m a prettier version of Robert Downey Jr, but what the fuck is looking like a Jew anyway?? Happy holidays, new friend, to you and yours.
      Le Clown

      Posted by Le Clown | December 25, 2012, 09:53
      Reply to this comment

  6. Le Clown,
    Those people have no idea what they’re talking about. Its clear to me you look more like David Schwimmer than Adam Sandler.
    Twindaddy

    P.S. Merry Christmas to you and yours!

    Posted by twindaddy | December 25, 2012, 08:54
    Reply to this comment

  7. You? Look Jewish? Like David Schwimmer?? Adam Sandler? Really? The bags under your eyes tell a different story…

    Yes, yes, blame the TG….

    THAM

    Posted by the howler and me | December 25, 2012, 09:09
    Reply to this comment

  8. This is where I suggest you read ‘Lamb’–the gospel according to JC’s best friend, Biff. Oy, such a good book! The things we didn’t know about the big guy, his friend tells us. Such a surprise, I’m telling you! Go. Read. Call your mother once in awhile–we all need a dose of guilt on the holiday.

    Posted by Addie | December 25, 2012, 09:15
    Reply to this comment

    • Addie,
      You mean, you want me to read? I just got a gigantic book by David Foster Wallace that should take me 3 years to read… Can I multitask? Can I do it while I watch tv, or something productive?
      Le Clown
      PS: Happy holidays, my dear Addie. What a pleasure it is to have you among my Carnies. I mean that.

      Posted by Le Clown | December 25, 2012, 09:58
      Reply to this comment

      • I shall record it and send it and you can listen in your spare 5.38 minutes a day–how’s that?

        PS I’ve always wanted the carnie life!! Thanks for creating one for me to be part of, my friend.

        Posted by Addie | December 25, 2012, 15:57
        Reply to this comment

  9. Okay, so I had to read…So sue me. The truth is, I love Yiddish. After living in Miami for 13 years, this southern girl developed quite a taste for bagels and lox and I loved learning Yiddish words. They’re so onomatopeic! Anyway, Happy Holidays, Eric. L’Chaim!

    Posted by Cathy Ulrich | December 25, 2012, 09:25
    Reply to this comment

    • Cathy,
      Montreal is somewhat of a small New York in some ways. We have a beautiful and strong Jewish community here, which means easy accessibility to some of their magnificent™ food! Much love to you, Cathy, and talk real soon.
      Le Clown

      Posted by Le Clown | December 25, 2012, 10:01
      Reply to this comment

  10. Way to go chastising me for reading your blog on Christmas. I was already feeling enough guilt, and I’m not even Catholic!

    Love to your entire beautiful family and I hope y’all all have a wonderful headache-free day filled with strong, strong ‘nog, naps, and love.

    Posted by Emily @ The Waiting | December 25, 2012, 09:37
    Reply to this comment

  11. Too funny! You know you are from the NY-Metro area when, although raised Catholic (and currently still recovering), you do not need the glossary of terms.

    Merry Whatever!

    Posted by javaj240 | December 25, 2012, 09:39
    Reply to this comment

    • Java,
      Yes indeed!!! Love New York… And I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE. It’s been too long since I had a Woody Allen sandwich from the Carnegie Deli…. Mmmmm… Happy holidays to you, and much love…
      Le Clown

      Posted by Le Clown | December 25, 2012, 10:04
      Reply to this comment

      • I’ve only had a corned beef at CD— have no idea if it was The Woody Allen. Love. Love. Love. Being of Celtic descent I am a big fan of the corned beef, but will readily admit that there is nothing like a Jewish corned beef…nothing. Also, I have never left the Carnegie Deli without a piece of cheesecake. Never. The best cheesecake in the world. Ugh! Now I want a slice!

        Posted by javaj240 | December 25, 2012, 13:26
        Reply to this comment

  12. Okay, so this is my favourite post ever. I’m a Jewish girl with the mind of a shiksa – best of both worlds really!

    So whilst I am commenting in bed and you guys are doing whatever it is you do on Christmas, I wish you all Merry …er … something.

    L’chaim

    Posted by Storkhunter | December 25, 2012, 10:02
    Reply to this comment

  13. Oy gevalt! Wonder if this broad would have the balls to say something like that in New York.

    Oh oh! — Walked up Madison Avenue last year and made eye contact with Soon Yi — immediately looked at body next to hers — yep — t’was Woody. Yeah I’d say you were ‘indubitably’ much much prettier than Woody.

    Posted by Sandee | December 25, 2012, 11:01
    Reply to this comment

  14. I think its your nose that’s the giveaway. The kids and I are off to the movies later…Django Unchained…for the Christmas cheer Tarentino style…Have a magical fucking Christmas with Lady Clown…love you guys!!!

    Posted by isawbobdylaninaspeedo | December 25, 2012, 11:07
    Reply to this comment

  15. Mazel tov, Adam!

    Posted by becca3416 | December 25, 2012, 11:08
    Reply to this comment

  16. Reading this made me kvell. I always wanted to be Jewish on Christmas because here I was, a nice Catholic girl, sitting with my relatives at the Christmas table, and all my Jewish friends were going to the movies and having Chinese food. It sounded like much more fun. I fuckin’ love you, my little non-Jew Boy. You’re a mensch. Merry Christmas.

    Posted by Madame Weebles | December 25, 2012, 11:30
    Reply to this comment

  17. Le Clown,
    Fuck…look at all that vocabulary. Well done! Happy belated Hanukkah to you! Why am I reading blogs on Christmas. I must be addicted, but yours is the only I’ve read. Happy Holidays.
    Shalom,
    Amy

    Posted by The Bumble Files | December 25, 2012, 12:11
    Reply to this comment

  18. Since I’m another nice jewish shiksa, I got nothing else to do, but read your blog. I know I haven’t been around alot; I’ve beenn having a bit of a personal crisis, but boy am I glad I got to read this. It’s my favourite yet. So Merry whatever and l’chaim to you too,

    Posted by lovelifelaundry | December 25, 2012, 12:16
    Reply to this comment

  19. Oy vey, I have nothing to kvetch about. You have outdone yourself. I now agree that this IS one of your best posts. I am also thoroughly pleased to hear you have better taste in women than Woody. Rest at ease that this alone signifies genius.
    L’Chaim.

    Posted by iRuniBreathe | December 25, 2012, 12:37
    Reply to this comment

  20. Well done! *applause*

    Posted by No Blog Intended | December 25, 2012, 13:18
    Reply to this comment

  21. Le Clown,
    If you look like a jew, then jews are hot.
    That is all.
    Merry Christmas to you and yours.
    Wendy xo

    Posted by writerwendyreid | December 25, 2012, 13:33
    Reply to this comment

  22. Merry Christmas, you fuckin’ rock star! I saw your blog in my inbox and the title made me grin big, shake my head, and chuckle! And yes, here I am on Christmas day with nothing better to do than read your blog! LOL! A great read, by the way. I love your humor and your edge. What a gift you are! Love and blessings to you and your precious loved ones. xoxoJulia

    Posted by Julia Kovach | December 25, 2012, 13:45
    Reply to this comment

    • Julia,
      Le Clown was going to make a wise ass joke about how funny he is, especially when he played Moses in The Ten Commandments (often attributed to Charleon Heston which is total BS as he was too busy masturbating with a rifle), but he won’t, he’ll just wish you very happy holidays, and a calm and uneventful next few days!
      Le Clown

      Posted by Le Clown | December 25, 2012, 14:19
      Reply to this comment

  23. Joyeux Noel, Monsieur Le Clown. Je te souhaite tout plein de bonheur avec ta famille! xo

    Posted by steph50 | December 25, 2012, 14:10
    Reply to this comment

  24. Damn I must be the only rural west coast white child asking is there going to be a vocab test after this post. Happy whateves to you!

    Posted by draconianstylist | December 25, 2012, 14:16
    Reply to this comment

  25. maybe she was particularly drawn to Jewish men–Merry Christmas

    Posted by on thehomefrontandbeyond | December 25, 2012, 14:32
    Reply to this comment

  26. Le Clown,
    It’s a mitzvah, what you’ve done here.
    The Bill

    Posted by Bill McMorrow | December 25, 2012, 15:16
    Reply to this comment

  27. I imagine she now regrets not being struck dumb by your magnificence.

    Posted by Elyse | December 25, 2012, 15:27
    Reply to this comment

  28. Le Clown,
    A very merry happy holidays! (Or as I heard at a play: Happy Merry Christmahannukkakwanzikaa!) What does it mean to look like a jew? Well, according to my friends, strangers, and several rabbis who have picked me out of the crowds: it’s the nose. Yours seems a bit red and circular, but I can see how they pick us.
    -Jillian

    Posted by GiggsMcGill Jill | December 25, 2012, 17:07
    Reply to this comment

  29. The glossary is the best part!!

    Posted by vyvacious | December 25, 2012, 19:59
    Reply to this comment

    • Vyvacious,
      Well you’ve totally missed out on a great opportunity to impress Le Clown tonight by a few praise pertaining to the amazing content other than the glossary. Le Clown’s chance of reading your blog is now at -11.
      Le Clown

      Posted by Le Clown | December 25, 2012, 21:26
      Reply to this comment

      • Ah well. I don’t think Le Clown and I are on the same wavelength but I do believe that one day we’ll sync up. What I was trying to say was that while the original post was already hilarious and awesome, when I read the glossary I started laughing more at the translations because it tied everything together for me. Especially the penis one. That one was my favorite. Better?

        Posted by vyvacious | December 26, 2012, 12:14
        Reply to this comment

  30. Le Clown: Fucking Genius hah! Wicked post.

    Posted by holdontoyourpants | December 25, 2012, 21:02
    Reply to this comment

  31. At first I found the title offensive. But, I took the time and I am impressed. Great job Le Clown Curvyelvie bows to your brilliance. Happy Holidays.

    Posted by Elvira Jorge | December 25, 2012, 21:09
    Reply to this comment

  32. Le Clown,
    Many are living with terminal foot in mouth disease. Unfortunate. Happy Holidays dude. Pass the tums…
    Adam

    Posted by Adam S | December 26, 2012, 02:16
    Reply to this comment

  33. Since most of your posts are making fun of things, or just making fun, you know I love it when you actually write something directly about standing up to ignorance and/or doing good in the world (you know I have this crazy thing about people showing the best of themselves, who knows why). So when you can manage to combine principles with humour, that’s the pinnacle, as far as I’m concerned. I even put the ‘u’ in humour for you, I liked it so well.

    Posted by Ruby Tuesday | December 26, 2012, 03:28
    Reply to this comment

    • Ruby,
      Dead on my friend, Le Clown’s shtick is to poke fun at just about everything, but there is often a reason behind the satire, or even when the humour seems derisory. Depending on the time I take to write a post, it will have different levels of success. I am particularly proud of this one, and thank you for the compliment. Coming from you, it means a great deal to me.
      Le Clown

      Posted by Le Clown | December 26, 2012, 19:07
      Reply to this comment

  34. Merry Christmas Le Clown and family … ok … I’m a day late. Nonetheless, I imagine you had a wonderful day.

    Posted by aFrankAngle | December 26, 2012, 07:26
    Reply to this comment

  35. You’re the schlemiel to my schlamazel.

    Posted by Adrienne schmadrienne | December 26, 2012, 10:40
    Reply to this comment

  36. A great post christmas supper read! I beg to differ on one point though: Le Clown is prettier than most everyone in the known universe (except Michelle Rodriguez of course). Looking forward to more Le Clown hijinks in 2013!

    Posted by inphiluencer | December 26, 2012, 10:48
    Reply to this comment

  37. NEW YORK JEW ALERT: Damn, where was this? Where was this chic and your manager from? That is seriously well, I mean honestly, something if a close friend said I wouldn’t take personally, just as if I told my red haired freckled bestie she looked Irish. But a co-worker you’re not close to…what was the point? Then, the gall to spend time, WORK TIME, to put together that email, was just…gross.

    I grew up in a diverse but Jewish heavy area so I never knew any different. College was similar. When I moved to Australia..while they have a Jewish population it is tight knit and don’t really integrate. Not that they were racist, just that they were clueless, when the top floor of the restaurant I worked in was rented out by a family to celebrate Passover, they spoke of it as if it were a rare tradition people in like the south pacific did that including the sacrificing of a virgin.

    Traveling, sometimes people know, or say something or ask what I am then say, I knew you were Jewish, like, really? How? Others are thrown by the blue eyes and go on anti Semitic rants which I neither reply to or argue with – best stay away from racists in foreign lands, lest they have traditions of their own I don’t wanna know about.

    The whole you look like “X race/religion/etc.”, while sometimes fully accurate is inherently racist. It assumes that all people of one group hold the same traits. Like Jews are cheap – I am a living broke example of that being completely false. So, yea, sorry that happened, sorry that sort of close mindedness exists and good for you for getting out of there!

    Posted by the audacious amateur blogger | December 26, 2012, 17:50
    Reply to this comment

    • The Audacious Amateur Blogger,
      First off, glad you dropped by again… your comments are always pertinent. So I am requesting your presence on a more regular basis. There, Le Clown has spoken.

      Now, about what happened… I agree with you. From a close friend, maybe, in jest, it would have passed. But from a complete stranger, at work, it was blatant racism in my opinion.

      And, I live in Montreal, and we have a pretty big Jewish community here… Her comments came out of nowhere, and email…

      There. You’ve been granted with a Le Clown tired comment full of ellipses.
      Le Clown

      Posted by Le Clown | December 26, 2012, 18:04
      Reply to this comment

      • Well if Le Clown asks, I must abide:)

        I will definitely be dropping by and hopefully dropping comments full of wisdom and insight (haha, c’mon lemme have this one time to toot my own horn).

        You always have creative, outside the box interesting posts it shouldn’t be that difficult!

        Posted by the audacious amateur blogger | December 26, 2012, 19:17
        Reply to this comment

  38. lmao – thanks for the glossary! The post was funny too. :D

    Posted by acflory | December 26, 2012, 18:18
    Reply to this comment

  39. I see so some think you look jewish and some think you gay. Can’t they see you are a clown. Geez its pretty obvious.

    Posted by nevercontrary | December 26, 2012, 20:47
    Reply to this comment

  40. you forgot elliot gould (in his younger days) and a blend of tom hulce and robert downey jr.

    Posted by rich | December 26, 2012, 22:45
    Reply to this comment

  41. I’m a little late to the carnival because although my Lutheran and Catholic parents raised me undecided I felt reading a blog with the F-word on Christmas would be, unkosher? Very funny post Monsieur clown. Hope you had a nice Christmas.

    Posted by biggreenmeanie | December 27, 2012, 07:48
    Reply to this comment

  42. I learned 2 things: you (Le Clown/Le Eric) can be offended (which I should have known since it’s the ones who throw out offensive humor that tend to be the most sensitive at times) and Hanukah is not a Jewish Christmas. I feel so much more educated.

    And maybe because the racism wasn’t directed at me, I do find that first image funny. Just being real.

    Lastly, as my Jewish lady friend always says, take a relaxative. She also happens to be a CNA.

    Posted by Combat Babe | December 27, 2012, 22:07
    Reply to this comment

  43. Dear Le Jew Clown Fuck,

    Although I am just a shiksa, I been busy rolling around in my own tsuris like my dog in a dead dear carcass. Oy vey! Kvetch kvetch kvetch, what a fucking meshuggah shmegegge shmendrik tuchis I have been.

    No more. No more. No more motherfucker Jew boy.

    Stella’s got her groove back and she’s about to get on a plane to fly to the land of 18″ of fucking snow to ring in the new year with you, so you better wipe that Jew off your face, because santa claus is coming to town motherfucker.

    And I expect you to teach me to pee standing up, like a real man.

    See you tomorrow, you shvartze shvantz. L’Chaim!

    Le Tracy

    Posted by tracy fulks | December 29, 2012, 09:24
    Reply to this comment

  44. Best. Holiday. Blog. Title. Ever!

    Posted by The Hook | December 30, 2012, 17:35
    Reply to this comment

  45. Happy Holy Le Clown Days! (™)

    Posted by faithhopechocolate | January 2, 2013, 06:27
    Reply to this comment

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