Today begins The Great XMAS Blogroll Induction Extravaganza. Each day until the end of 2012, one lucky blogger will enjoy a life-changing experience: a permanent place on my blogroll. The fortunate ones will be granted an exclusive and gleeful avatar linking back to their site, for which I have commissioned The Middlest Sister…… Nah, I’m just fucking with you, I’m no Mother Teresa… I made the avatar myself in between two episodes of Hoarders. Hey, Bill McMorrow, you’re lucky number one! Why, because of this, this, this and this… Oh, and Bill… Fuck Terry O’Reilly… Scumbag.
Christmas has arrived a wee bit early this year. At least for me, as I have been inducted into Le Clown’s Blogroll. Actually I have been inducted back into the Blogroll. I first achieved the honoUr earlier this year. It was easily one of the top 137 greatest moments of my life. I basked in the glow of people recognizing me from Le Blogroll. Complete strangers were approaching me in public and saying things like, “Oh you’re the voice of your generation”, and “Can you get me some of Le Clown’s DNA so I can clone him and keep him as my pet ?” or “Hey, you’re supposed to have a handicapped plate to park there, asshole!”
Then I had some writers block and took a hiatus from the wonderful world of blogging for a while. Hey it happens to the best of us. Even Hemingway had a well documented period when all the creative ideas ceased. No, not Ernest Hemingway, Papa didn’t use the web. I mean Margaux. Or maybe I mean Mariel? I always confuse those Hemingwayseses, and it shall be my downfall one day. Anyways, when I took a break, Le Clown sent me an email that said, and I’m paraphrasing:
Dear The Bill,
Hello good sir, where have you gone. I miss you something bad. Maybe your busy writing a song that will inspire the children of the world to learn Karate. Unfortunately for you, I am such an inspiration to so many people that my blogroll has become a hotly contested battleground. It’s a “swing state” as they say in your silly American politics, Clown On Fire = Ohio. People know that to get any type of recognition in this blog eat blog world, you gotta come through Le Clown. Therefore I must remove you from the hallowed spot that you now hold. If you decide to continue kicking the worlds funny bones faces ass with your provocative and sultry witticisms, (or if you get Freshly Pressed) please feel free to reapply for membership. You will have to pay a small administrative fee, but that’s just standard operating procedure. No, seriously, it is, and the fee cannot be waived. Listen, I got a circus to run. Cotton candy doesn’t grow on trees. But imagine if it did?
At first I was heartbroken. See, this wasn’t just any clown. This wasn’t some penny ante, two-bit, nickel knocking, dime store Willie Whistle wannabe. This was Le Clown. Which is French for The Clown. THE. CLOWN. He was one of the first bloggers that I followed, as well as one of the first to follow me. He gave me sarcastic words of encouragement. He gave me hope when the words wouldn’t come. He gave me a coupon good for one free admission to the circus with the purchase of one qualifying paid adult admission. Sure, it turns out that the coupon was only good for the Tuesday afternoon matinée, and had also already expired. But that’s my fault. I should have checked that shit out before I paid for parking. I should know better than that. Stupid me.
But I understood his decision. Furthermore, I respected it. Le Clown doesn’t have the time to be explaining things to people, he’s busy building a media empire amongst the blogosphere. Not only does he have A Clown On Fire, but also Black Box Warnings, and his well documented and highly successful Bloggers For Movember movement. He is also a great philanthropist, having auctioned of his homegrown face pubes to the highest bidders for the Movember cause.
Someone just scored some of that precious Le Clown DNA.