Although I feel that I am playing blog roulette with the subject of this post, it is something that I was invited to get off of my chest, and I can’t turn that down. I will just preface this by saying that this post is not aiming to stereotype, over generalize or alienate any group or individual, but to explore an issue I have been dealing with.
It’s me, Becca. I am a young, attractive woman of which I am very well aware.
How awful does that sound? I wouldn’t know, because I would never actually say something like that out loud. Don’t let me confuse you. I find myself attractive, enough. Like everyone else in the world, I have things I dislike about my physical appearance here and there, but overall, I am grateful for my looks. I am confident, enough. But if you can believe it, this post is about much bigger things than being pretty. You’re world just shattered, didn’t it? I know. I heard it.
Now, stop looking at my ass please.
Is it just me, or is there a reason harass is pronounced “her-ass”? As much as I wish I could, I have never been in a man’s head. I love men. I even envy men. Y’all seem more laid back, less judgmental of your friends, and more straightforward in general. Plus y’all actually look good with wrinkles. But, I often wonder if men ever desire to be in a woman’s head. I wonder if any one man would ever actually desire to feel what a woman feels. Especially when that colleague walks by me scanning my entire body like a bar code. Especially when that look is followed by a comment about how he can’t help but look at my ass. Forget asking how my day is going. Whether you want the knowledge or not, here it is. You’re in my head:
Don’t make eye contact. He does this every time. Why can’t he tell how uncomfortable that makes me? He is about to comment openly about my ass again, I can feel it. At least that would be better than him making another comment about how much he would enjoy me in a mini skirt. If he does make the ass comment, I will have to laugh it off awkwardly. Otherwise, I will surely forever be considered that cold, bitchy girl. I should start wearing potato sacks. Hell, I practically do anyway. Probably wouldn’t help. God this is so unnerving. I wish I could disappear. I need to learn to just deal with it. I guess.
No, I shouldn’t have to deal with it, but I am also too chicken shit to do anything about it. Receiving a genuine compliment is wonderful, but sexual harassment is not. So where is the line? I don’t know. What I do know is that it gets crossed, and often. With every unwelcome sexual advance, it leaves me with a hopeless feeling that no matter how smart, creative, successful, funny, caring, or driven I am, I will ultimately be reduced to a piece of ass. The worst part is that laughing it off is a common response, sort of like a nervous coping mechanism. I know, because I do it. But this only encourages the behavior. The whole cycle is just confusing and disheartening.
Cinderella in a Sketchy Bar – Dina Goldstein ( Fallen Princesses collection) AKA my favorite art collection. Ever.
Sexual harassment isn’t something I ever truly thought was real. I remember discussions about it in college Ethics class. Call me oblivious, but I remember thinking to myself, “People don’t act like that anymore. Not in today’s society. We have learned better than that”. Apparently, not all of us have, and I am encountering a lot of those people.
This got me thinking about how I might be seen minus the sexual partition that can overshadow the other attributes that make me, me. What would I look like to someone across the room if all he could see was my sense of humor, my personality, my passion or my soul, and would it hold his gaze? I like to think so, but it has become difficult to tell. Would he like me sitting Indian style on my coffee table reading to myself as I occasionally tuck my hair behind my ears and snicker aloud when somethings really funny, or would I have to be dressed in lingerie for him to even take time to envision that?
Is it all just a misunderstanding between what men believe women like to hear and what women think of men’s sexuality? Did I somehow lead that guy on, or is that way of thinking only a form of making excuses? Or maybe this is simply a result of the inherent nature of our sexes. These are all questions that have convened in my mind.
I wish that woman and men were more inclined to let each other know how things make them feel. We can’t possibly know someone’s every intention, but it isn’t entirely impossible to gain some perspective if we just ask. If no perspective is available, then we can always fall back on empathy. We forget to use that. Obviously, I don’t have all of the answers, but I would like to open this up for discussion.
______________________________
Note from Le Clown: Becca was Freshly Pressed yesterday for her post Hanging Up The Tutu. I’m proud of you my friend. It is a well-deserving post.
I have to say, Becca, I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there lately. You’ve opened your heart and soul and the results have been nothing less than astounding to behold. I’m very proud to call myself your friend.
And if I ever get the opportunity to meet this colleague, I’ll give him a sound thrashing…
Yeah, I know violence isn’t the answer, but sometimes it helps kill time while someone smarter figures things out…
Posted by The Hook | December 12, 2012, 18:44Hook, you know I always appreciate you having my back. I am glad to be friends too. I am curious as to your experiences though. Ever see this on the job? Have you ever been harassed yourself? You have so many stories.
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:26Actually, yes, but I’m not interested in re-visiting that whole mess anytime soon…
But you’ll be the first, Becca – promise!
Posted by The Hook | December 13, 2012, 09:30Understood! Thank you Hook!
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:38You strike yet another cord with me again!! I get the nice ass comment all the time. I’ve learned to say a energetic “thanks” and sashay away. Of course, if I’m at work, it’s a different story. It’s always more awkward because you’re trying to not be a bitch but at the same time you want to stand up for yourself. I definitely cold shoulders those that blatantly overstep my boundaries. I’m very curt and I don’t smile when I walk past them. My problem is that I smiley too frequently so creepers think it’s okay to act the way they do. Let me tell you that at work, I’m currently creeper-free (*knock on wood*). They learn to joke with me in a manner that is not sexual or uncomfortable otherwise I’ll shut them down with my words first and my fists later if they don’t comply.
It’s pretty sad but I had to be almost emotionless when I used to go to Zumba at the 24 near my house. I love dancing (as you gathered from my comments on your last post) and I throw everything I have into it. For some reason, this translates to the countless number of guys at the gym to constantly stare at my ass. Fine. I worked hard for it. But there was always this fucker in class who would end up directly behind me in every single fucking class by the end of the first song. Not kidding. And sometimes when I danced, I could see and hear him go “YEAAAAAH” behind me. I got so pissed. I ignored him. I avoided him. I told him to stay away. Nothing helped. So I moved to the very back of the class where he couldn’t stand directly behind me but then the entire slew of guys stared at me. But for me, that was better than to have one person directly violate me and piss me off every class.
Apparently this comment turned into Vyvy’s story time…haha. Just pat yourself on the back for your bodacious ass and get on with your bad self!
Posted by vyvacious | December 12, 2012, 19:11*pats her own ass* – Thank you Vyvy. Sorry about the creepy Zumba terd. THAT would have been awful. I am really in awe at how many people I have “struck a chord” with between this post and my FP piece. It really is incredible. I am glad to have connected!
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:29Keep on writing, we love it!
Posted by vyvacious | December 13, 2012, 14:41Wonderfully written. I wish we could get to a post-objectification world. You’ve certainly given us all a lot of pondering fuel.
Posted by Brian Westbye | December 12, 2012, 19:19Glad to have done so Brian. Thank you.
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:30I enjoy it when a man looks at me. The only problem with that is that eventually you count on that, your looks, and that’s what ends up being your value as a woman…as a person. I have done that for many years now and as I age, it is getting harder and harder to get those looks, leaving me feeling empty and lacking worth.
Posted by writerwendyreid | December 12, 2012, 19:54Exactly Wendy. It is flattering to get the RIGHT kind of looks. When we are only being looked at in a sexual manner though, it isn’t pleasurable. I know how you feel.
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:32This is one of the best things I have read in such a long time. I actually cried when I read this. I have had a lot of these problems at my work too. Harassment makes you feel like you aren’t even a person. I have been made to feel like I’m boobs and hair. I have caught my coworkers scanning me up and down like I am a girl in a Droopy Dog cartoon. And actually I wish you would do something about it if you can… because I have been cornered in my workplace by a male coworker… I did not find it as funny as he did. No one deserves to be treated poorly. And even though you are lovely, there is no reason for any of that business to be happening.
I feel like saying… I feel for you girl. And thanks, for finding words to show how I feel about it too.
Posted by Viciously Sweet | December 12, 2012, 19:58That is SUCH a compliment. I am honored that you could connect so deeply with what I wrote. People downplay this situation a lot, especially in the increasingly comedic/sarcastic driven world we live in. It isn’t funny. It needs to stop!
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:34Interesting post. I debate these sorts of things quite a bit, because I work in construction, a very male dominated field. I prefer working with men as opposed to women, because I would rather take care of situations without mincing words, instead of stabbing backs, which is what most women prefer. Things are not always “appropriate” around our office, but most of the time I don’t find the talking or joking offensive. If the guys happen to cross the line, I will let them know it. However, to me there is a difference between just being generally rude and crude, and being a skeever who makes women uncomfortable. It seems he’s not being a generalist when it comes to being inappropriate, but that he is directing his inappropriateness towards you. I haven’t read this entire comment section, because frankly, I don’t have the time, because it is long! My point is this–put the asshole in his place, and if it doesn’t stop, report him. Don’t mince any words with this guy. Good luck!
Posted by Fat Bottom Girl | December 12, 2012, 20:39My job is in the same type of field. I agree with you 100% on it being easier to work with men than women when it comes to issues with work. Women can be ruthless all while telling you how cute your blouse it. It’s scary.
This guy is certainly zeroing in on me and he knows better. Thank you for the support ma’am.
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:37You’re quite welcome. It was a great post!
Posted by Fat Bottom Girl | December 13, 2012, 20:20Wow – a lot of comments! If I were Becca I would practise saying something really simple like “Please stop saying that” rather than some sort of confrontational approach. Practise a few times and then really say it to the guy. Good luck, Becca!
Posted by jmgoyder | December 12, 2012, 21:10Thanks for that!
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:37You are amazing to get through all the comments!
Posted by jmgoyder | December 13, 2012, 09:41It’s been … consuming. But everyone has been worth reading and replying to. This is a big part of why I wrote the post, to drive discussion!
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:43It’s great – I read some of the comments but not all – will get back to it. Good on you for posting what must be a dilemma for so many!
Posted by jmgoyder | December 13, 2012, 09:49There’s so many great comments on this thread – and I agree with Speaker7 (oh so far at the top!) and you, that it’s about power. That if they get a reaction, they just do it more to feel more powerful. I’ve luckily never experienced comments like this, but I’m so sorry that you ever have had to! As you said Becca, stuff like that shouldn’t be happening nowadays :/
Posted by GiggsMcGill Jill | December 13, 2012, 00:55Glad you got to read some of those amazing insights. There really are a lot of them on this comment thread. I feel like we all really hashed it out well! Thanks for chiming in too Jillian. You’re my girl.
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:40*fist bump*
Posted by GiggsMcGill Jill | December 13, 2012, 14:45OMG. ok. When I first got divorced and took this really shitty job…my boss was the hugest pig ever. He asked me to lunch, knew I liked to write, and wanted to know if I would write his biography but not have my name on anything. I said sure. I had two kids, I needed the job. He then proceeded to take me to a FANCY SHMANCEY hotel for lunch then ask me if I would come upstairs to a room with him, then asked me what I thought about him fantasizing about me. I told him he can think about me all he wants, and no fucking way would I ever go upstairs to a room with him, and I’d write my own damn book. I ordered two more drinks and an expensive lunch then quit. So that’s how I handled the situation. I got another job. I proceeded to work in construction offices/general contractors offices for two decades and HATED EVERY MINUTE OF THE BOYS CLUB that very much exists. I would be there for years, and some 22 year old asshole from their alma mater would be hired and take over my job. I would end up with duties like doing dishes and being in charge of buying snacks. I put notes up: ‘YOUR MOTHER DOESN’T WORK HERE CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT’. I threw away every single thing in the nasty fridge once…including wife’s tupperware, every damn thing in the kitchen went in the trash. It never went over well and I lost many many jobs. : ) I remember thinking…;Jeeze I just got divorced, quit that wife job, only to be a wife to a whole office of nimwits.’ This story has an ending….STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Not in the passive aggressive way via HR. Tell the dude to shut the fuck up and you don’t like his attitude. Period. Say it. Don’t be ‘nice’ don’t be ‘clever’ just BE… matter of fact. No emotion. Robot. Wear red lipstick. He obviously gets away with it with no one telling him to shut up. NO ONE has anything over you. YOU ARE THE BOSS OF YOU. (P.S. When I left that pig boss guy job, I rammed his car in the parking lot with my shitty little Datsun.) Rock on Girl…I mean WOMAN!!!
Posted by isawbobdylaninaspeedo | December 13, 2012, 01:03I hate that he used your interests to lure you in, only to try to get you to play along with his sexual antics. Disgusting. I think the calm but direct approach is the best route to go in telling a man like that to step off, but I can relate to wanting to ram someones car at times.
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:48Hang in there!!!
Posted by isawbobdylaninaspeedo | December 13, 2012, 10:41Oh. My. Gosh. I am SO, SO, SO glad that I live in a religious society and that I look religious enough for most non-religious men to not pay me any kind of attention (of that sort). As much as I sometimes think that we take the boy/girl separation a bit too far, it helps. A lot. Most of my complaints about random men from my community on the street is that they won’t talk to me, won’t look at me, and pretend I don’t exist. I.e., they cut in front of me and act as if they own the world. But that’s a lot better than having random people on the street acting as if they own ME!
Posted by littleduckies | December 13, 2012, 05:59I think it is sad that anyone would have to consider “separation” of the sexes because of this behavior. We are human. We are more than bodies. We should be able to see each other as such.
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:50The separation is not because of this kind of behavior. Rather, it is because we believe that men and women grow better, learn better, and have the opportunity to become better people, when the distraction of the other gender is taken away until the time is right. In school, students can focus on their studies, who they are and want to become, and strengthen their same-sex friendships. When it comes time for marriage, they find someone to marry, and then limit their interaction with the other gender to that person (excluding family etc.).
Because of this, I think that we do see each other as more than bodies. Not in spite of this; because of it. Because we are used to seeing other people as people, and not as potential dates or romances. Obviously, this lifestyle has its shortcomings. But I think that on the whole, marriages, families and individuals are a lot happier and healthier as a result.
Posted by littleduckies | December 13, 2012, 10:26Becca,
I’m an Ass (creamy white) and sorry if I am stalking you here post after post. I have read every single comment this morning after re reading your post (read it last night, but wanted to sleep on it).
I have been a Nurse for over twenty years and prefer the company of women far beyond the company of men. Before Nursing in my early 20′s I chose celibacy for about 5 months (I savor roads less travelled) as an exercise. At around month 2 or 3 in I began to be amazed at how friendly women seemed around me……..I suspect they intuitively sensed my appreciation was about more than their physical beauty (I find most women spectacular in some way particular to them as individuals).
I also objectify women, I could ramble on about why, how and when, but let me instead say that I have committed most offenses over the years and thankfully (for the most part) have learned from them. Examining women’s writings on WordPress this year has been helpful. Thank you for bravely writing this post, I tend to avoid commenting on pretty women’s sites as I know I will likely get too frisky at some point…….being anonymous and new to social media also puts me at risk for being offensive.
I read a piece linked by Nobodysreadingme around a week ago by a contributer to Time – it discussed (among other things) campus rape and continued dysfunctional attitudes between men and women (I also see women needing to shift presentations). I should have jotted down the particulars, but I think the post was When Will Men Speak Up? My comment to the post was that beginning Jan 1, 2013 – I will go 666 days (I’m a bit of a devil) without sex, masturbation or pornography in an effort to engage women in only a way I would in the presence of my Mother. I am also challenging Men everywhere to do the same.
In case you would like to take me to lunch, I recommend waiting until at least day 333 as I have a terrible weakness when it comes to Redheads.
Mark Bradley RN
Posted by ridicuryder | December 13, 2012, 09:09Mark, I respect what you are trying to do. It would be great if other men could figure out how to better see women in this light and get over that sexual objectivity mindset. I think there are a lot of factors that go into what causes that mindset, but I wont get into that. I am going on 200 something comments here. I just wanted to say that I found what you said interesting and appreciate that you have actually made an effort to gain perspective. Thanks Mark. I will call you in 333 days.
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 09:53Hi Becca,
It has taken a while, but I finally formed a post on Objectifying Women……hope you like it.
Mark
Posted by ridicuryder | January 6, 2013, 14:42Dear Becca,
Never sell out (and I’m not implying that you are). The only person whose respect you absolutely require, is your own. Never ‘settle’ for less than you deserve. I’ve read through every comment, some more than once. All of them, priceless.
Thank You so much for writing this piece. It is a vitally important discourse.
At 50, I’ve finally learned to stop making excuses for other people’s bad behavior. There is no valid excuse or reason to accept or tolerate disrespect, in any way. And much much less, harassment of ANY kind, from anyone. I have also learned that what we tolerate (for whatever the reasons) is seen (consciously or unconsciously) by the bully as acceptable.
A long time ago, I wish I’d not worried so much about paying the rent, *financially* supporting my two children, or the inconveniences of looking for another job. I wish I’d have taken the perceived ‘risks’ and defended my (personal) integrity. But I didn’t. Instead, I rationalized and compromised and it left my sense of self-worth shattered. It’s an ongoing process of recovery.
You are well loved and supported, and like many of your friends here have already said: You will do what only YOU know is best for you. I believe in You.
(please forgive me for being preachy, or motherly. Hey! there’s a catchy blog name, “Mother Preacher” )
And, HUGE congratulations on Freshly Pressed! You deserve it.
Much Love. XXX
Posted by Victoria | December 13, 2012, 11:00You can mother me all you want! I learn so much from every new comment and person I encounter here. I will constantly remind myself to go for what I know is right.
Thank you for the sweet and heartfelt contribution to the comment section, AND thanks for the congratulations! I am still waiting to see my post pop up on that beautiful front page
. Any second now!
Posted by becca3416 | December 13, 2012, 11:09Thank You!
I’m so excited for you!!! I’m gonna go check right now!
Posted by Victoria | December 13, 2012, 11:12You don’t say whether this guy is your boss or a fellow co-worker, but it seems obvious that the lizard part of your brain recognizes his behaviour as potentially dangerous – that’s why you feel so uncomfortable. This kind of behaviour is like visual rape and we all know that physical rape is not about sex but about power. So too is visual rape. He probably knows full well that he makes you uncomfortable. In fact that is probably why he does it. He is banking on your good manners and the ambiguity of the situation to help him get away with it.
As a woman approaching 60, I have learned to call a spade a bloody shovel… and you must too. The next time this creep does something to make you uncomfortable, try calling his bluff. Tell him, calmly, that you would like him to stop because he is making you uncomfortable. You don’t have to say anything about bringing sexual harassment charges against him, let your calm, ‘I am in control’ manner imply that that will be your next step if he keeps acting like such a jerk.
The operative word here is ‘control’. You have to take back control of the situation. And never let it go again. Believe me, it gets easier as you accept that you have a right not to be treated like this.
-hugs-
Meeks
Posted by acflory | December 13, 2012, 20:37Yes! You verbalized what I was trying to depict perfectly. Visual rape. That’s it. That is exactly what it feels like. Thank you for the comment and the encouragement.
Posted by becca3416 | December 14, 2012, 10:06Welcome.
Posted by acflory | December 14, 2012, 17:26Some good advice in previous comments. If we let people get away with these comments (regardless of gender) then they’ll keep on making them and will also give other, younger people, the impression that that sort of behaviour is ok. It’s only by consistently confronting the issue and standing up for right that we will eventually educate people to behave in a proper manner towards their co-workers, regardless of age, sexuality, race or gender.
Posted by faithhopechocolate | December 14, 2012, 10:53Thanks for reiterating this!
Posted by becca3416 | December 14, 2012, 10:55Wonderful post! Thanks for putting all those questions and thoughts out there.
Posted by travellingmo | December 16, 2012, 13:01What a great pic is that Cinderella! That’s just great.
I didn’t know you are female Le Clown. And you surprised me when you said you “didn’t think sexual harassment was real”. Oh mercy me, it most certainly is.
Great post.
Posted by WordsFallFromMyEyes | January 12, 2013, 17:09