I got an idea! I gotta tell you… I gotta! I gotta! I gotta! Here’s the story.
THE STORY
It was a late October Thursday. I was sitting in our family room, indolently kicking away my toddler, who was demanding attention. She wanted candy, it was 8 a.m., and I wasn’t about to share my Tootsie Roll. Nor my bacon. Nor my attention. The toddler was crying, hitting the hardwood floor: “My candy!!! My bacon!!! My papa!!!”. I was reading Madame Weebles invites you to tea. My toddler had no chance. Eventually, she stopped and walked away, whispering: “My vengeance!!! My vengeance!!!”.
Madame Weebles was about to invite her readers to tea… Out the window went my Session on the Couch With Le Clown idea. Weebles called dibs. Good for you, asswipe. Back to the drawing board.There was a murmur coming out of my daughter’s room, barely audible: “Kill the Clown!!!”, conflicting with my inner thoughts: “Kill the Weebles!!!”. I was gazing at my Star Wars: A New Hope poster, signed by David Prowse, my go-to place to calm down. “The Force runs strong in my family™“, I thought. The midi-chlorians added their own voice to the conversation [note from the author: Le Clown does not suffer from dissociative identity disorder]:
“Le Clown, you should ask bloggers to send you 5 pictures depicting a week in their lives, and write a story and/or captions around these pictures. You should then ask these bloggers to send you what those pictures really depict.“
I got an idea! I gotta tell you… I gotta! I gotta! I gotta! That’s the story! I will ask one of you to send me 5 pictures about your life, and we will make fun of your life for our reading pleasure! Want to play?
COME AND PLAY
My dear Carnies, please welcome one of Automattic’s Story Wranglers, Michelle Weber, in 5 pictures! I am making this first edition interactive:
- I am asking all of you to write your own version of her week based on her pictures in the comment section, either in a short story, or by captions.
- You were inspired by only one slide? Write about that slide…
- I will add Michelle’s captions Sunday morning, as an addendum to this post. Enjoy!
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
SUBMIT YOUR PICTURES
Would you like to be featured in this new A Clown on Fire venture? Be one of the cool kids and send Le Clown an email, like Creative Liar and Promethean Times did. Speak soon.
Hmmm….tres interessant, Le Clown…very sorry. I can’t do accents. This will take some thought. I shall see if I can come up with anything and get back to you….
Posted by kayjai | November 30, 2012, 07:09Kayjai,
By all means… Have a coffee, take a walk, a nap, and come back to us. I wouldn’t say no to a coffee myself, upon your return… Black, please.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 07:11Given that I have creativity lower than the spots on the belly of the spotted-belly salamander, I wouldn’t know where to start!
Posted by aFrankAngle | November 30, 2012, 07:18Frank,
Your comment is a great start. This is a revised version of your comment:
Slide E: “Given that I have creativity lower than the spots on the belly of the spotted-belly salamander, said the Golden Retriever, I wouldn’t know where to start! Might as well sleep, and dream about Le Clown’s daughter plotting her revenge“.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 07:20Now that is really funny!
Posted by aFrankAngle | November 30, 2012, 07:23Just give her the damn tootsie roll, already! Mean papa, mean!
Fun idea! (As always)
Surrender the tootsie roll!
Posted by GingerSnaap | November 30, 2012, 07:27Ginger,
No way man! My candies! But anyway, since that morning, I have seen her play with my candies (which was her Halloween loot anyway, or so SHE SAYS), and I do not trust what she has done with them… So they have been there, on the mantlepiece, collecting dust.
You would make a great guest for this feature, methinks…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 07:30C. The dog is thinking: “Why does the guy in the hat look just like the guy without a hat? Also what are the chances there is a milkbone in one of their beards? It reminds me of the time the bearded one was sitting with the cute little one at the table, and a milkbone fell out of his beard. Memories….”
Posted by speaker7 | November 30, 2012, 07:31Actually, the chances of a beard milkbone are pretty good.
Posted by michelle w. | November 30, 2012, 18:15Love your new idea Le Clown…genius!
A. When I’m a grownup, I’m going to play all day, and drink as much juice as I want, and paint my own fingernails the color I want. And have 10 fluffy dogs to sleep with…
B. Yak, yak, yak; I wish those two would shut the hell up so I could sleep!
C. Hey! That’s the guy! The happy one from the table! He feeds me stuff! Maybe he’ll let me lick the bowl again!
D. Some days I just want to be a dog…and sleep…
E. Kids wear me out. They’re up! They’re down! They’re always hurting themselves! Drama!
Posted by SocietyRed | November 30, 2012, 07:57You know how to live – and blog – my friend! Great post and game!
Posted by The Hook | November 30, 2012, 08:04The Hook,
That was the easy way out. Now… Give it your best shot… (Do you actually think you could get away with a comment like that one on Le Clown’s blog? I will take all the praise, frame it, and add it to my ever growing Wall of Praise… And then I’ll ask you to play, of course)….
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 08:08B- Play dead they said, play dead. They’ll leave the bowls and I’ll pig out. Play dead, that’s what I have to do.
I’ll try to get the pics together, I’ll do my best, time is little you know.
Posted by Doggy's Style | November 30, 2012, 08:19Leo,
Does this mean you want to play? If so, send me an email, so Le Clown can work on his calendar.
Le Clown
PS: Hey, tomorrow we shave!!
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 08:24Sending an email right now.
Posted by Doggy's Style | November 30, 2012, 08:25Tootsie Rolls? You kept your kid from a Tootsie Roll? Tootsie Rolls are the candies you give the kids to distract them from the fact that you are eating the good candy.
Posted by Fish Out of Water | November 30, 2012, 08:21Fish,
All candies are equal, but some candies are more equal than others. The only person that was prevented from anything was Le Clown, and that was from his moment of peace and tranquility.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 08:26Yes. For instance Necco Wafers are much less equal than Skittles, but they may be more equal than Tootsie Rolls.
Posted by Fish Out of Water | November 30, 2012, 08:35Fish,
The world looks mighty good to me, cause Tootsie rolls are all I see. Whatever it is i think I see, Becomes a Tootsie roll to me. Tootsie roll how I love your chocolaty chew. Tootsie roll I think I’m in love with you. Whatever it is I think I see, becomes a Tootsie roll to me.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 08:39Oh Fish, I thought I knew you. I love Tootsie Rolls. And NOTHING is less equal than Necco wafers. Bleccch.
Posted by Madame Weebles | November 30, 2012, 10:20What? Sacrilege. I spent my childhood eating Necco wafers, also known as chalk, but at least it was candy.
Posted by Love and Lunchmeat | November 30, 2012, 11:04Fish! Yay!
Posted by Sandee | November 30, 2012, 11:49I have no imagination, but, I shall ponder this and give it a go. I’m betting Lily in Canada jumps on this like a duck on a Junebug.
Posted by Addie | November 30, 2012, 08:48Addie,
Looking forward to reading your creative output! As for LIC, I seriously doubt it.
Cheers!
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 08:50This adorable and beguiling little girl is Michelle herself. She is like a transformer, a shape-shifter, and can make herself as small and young as she wants at her own whim (one of the reasons WordPress hired her to be a story wrangler – she is more able to access her childlike sense of wonder, which comes in handy when you read 1,435,000 blogs every day). Little Michelle has some other superpowers too. She is able to make 3 things appear: Bluto, couches and dogs of all breeds. This is just a typical week in her life where she has shrunk herself down to mini-Michelle and used her laser-like gaze to conjure up several Blutos, a few of her favorite breeds of dog, and several couches.
Posted by misslisted | November 30, 2012, 09:03GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
Posted by michelle w. | November 30, 2012, 10:03All right. How is ANYONE supposed to top that?!
Posted by Go Jules Go | November 30, 2012, 10:22“Oh man, my head is killing me! Ever since I developed psychic powers my consciousness has been projecting itself into the mind of every sentient being I encounter – whatever that means! I need something stronger than juice…”
How’s that?
Posted by The Hook | November 30, 2012, 09:03After sniffing too much glue in the trash can, Pooch is having invasive nightmares about thick facial hair and tea-sipping toddlers.
Posted by Carrie Rubin | November 30, 2012, 10:02E. Man, if those kids don’t shut the hell up so I can sleep I’m gonna kick the shit outta them.
Posted by twindaddy | November 30, 2012, 10:02I like this caption.
Posted by Madame Weebles | November 30, 2012, 10:20
Posted by twindaddy | November 30, 2012, 10:34That’s pretty much what he’s thinking at all times, except he’s too lazy to make good.
Posted by michelle w. | November 30, 2012, 11:43B. One man is like the other man, but they are not equal. (If only Movember was over!) If that hat man has a cat shirt, he is not equal. So if the more-equal man, hits the cat man they may spill their bowls, and I can lick out the last few drops of milk that must still be there, before dreaded Other Dog does.
Posted by iRuniBreathe | November 30, 2012, 10:14These photos are funny even without captions, but I’m going to put my thinking cap on, such as it is, and work on this. I will be back later. Also, puppies!!!!!
Posted by Madame Weebles | November 30, 2012, 10:17Who’s the heavy-metal Santa?
Posted by TAE | November 30, 2012, 10:24I’ll play as soon as have my coffee. Just answer this Le Clown, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
–sent from my iPad
Posted by Honie Briggs | November 30, 2012, 10:50Honie,
You remember!!
Answer: No lick. Le Clown bites right through the fucking Tootsie Pop. Take that, foreplay.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 10:57Having once performed a scientific experiment to prove that the cartoon owl is a big fat liar, i can say with certainty that it takes 957 licks.
Posted by michelle w. | November 30, 2012, 11:45See, I knew it took more than three! Lying owl! And biting clown. Bad clown!
Posted by Honie Briggs | November 30, 2012, 12:31Why is Santa’s beard black? Also, why do her toddler’s nails look better than mine?
Posted by Love and Lunchmeat | November 30, 2012, 11:02A) I should have asked for two lumps of sugar in this tea. Sprinkles tastes just like that neighbor’s cat that got run over a few weeks ago. Not the best kind of tea in the morning…
B) (Earlier that day, before Sprinkles bought the farm and ended up made into tea.) I don’t like seeing the violence in this family. I don’t understand why they invite their “friends” over, make them wear fake, lice-ridden, pube-beards and then punch them until they cry. I am going to run away as soon as the sedatives wear off.
C) My daughter told me what you said to he the other day about our habit of making dead animals into tea. No one asked for your opinion. Oops! Twice for looking! Hahahaha!
D) Yeah honey, I know you miss Biscuit, but he sure made a yummy cop of tea, didn’t he? See when our animals die, they aren’t ever really forgotten. They become part of us.
E) I didn’t mean to chew up Michelle’s dolly. At least the other dolly was okay.
Le Clown,
I am sorry. I woke up in a very strange place in my brain this morning. Forgive my sardonic humor. I would never make a dead animal into tea. I certainly wouldn’t let my child drink said tea. Oops, gotta take my son to school. We’re gonna be late now.
UC/L
Posted by UndercoverL | November 30, 2012, 11:05I love this! I will think of some captions this weekend when I’m not slaving away with Festivus and the Movember wrap-up post.
Posted by Emily @ The Waiting | November 30, 2012, 11:17The Story You Can’t Put Down by HonieBriggs
I painted my nails this morning. I’m going to Madame Weeble’s for tea. If I drink this juice and then have tea, I might have to get up to pee a lot. That would be embarrassing. Maybe I should borrow one of Mr. Fluffy’s yellow doggy diapers just in case.
Mr. Fluffy has to wear them when he naps on the sofa because he dreams about our Amish neighbor who finally got fed up with being passive and knocked the piss out of his brother for eating all the Honie Nut Cheerios. Mr. Fluffy sometimes has accidents and pees on the carpet. He’s not like Sparky the German Sheppard who waits patiently for the brothers to put down their cereal bowls and take him out to pee. I don’t know what Sparky is thinking of while he waits, but it must be something nice because he just waits and waits like a good dog. “Good Dog Sparky!”
I think the Amish Brother’s beard would be pretty if it was the color of this OPI nail polish I used. His beard probably wishes it was the color of an Irish Setter. If I was an Irish Setter, I’d sleep all day and dream about taking candy from babies….and chasing squirrels.
How’s that?
Posted by Honie Briggs | November 30, 2012, 11:57Honie Nut Cheerios? You must TM this before Le Clown gets his dirty letters on it!
Posted by iRuniBreathe | November 30, 2012, 13:55LOL, you are so right! Although, Le Clown would be just the right clown to set that brand on FIRE!!!
Posted by Honie Briggs | November 30, 2012, 14:00I can see his flames on the cereal box now.
Posted by iRuniBreathe | November 30, 2012, 14:04Honie,
Boo™!
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 30, 2012, 18:50What? You don’t like my story?
Posted by Honie Briggs | November 30, 2012, 20:56Tiny Geek’s planning vengeance? I’d be spending my time watching my back if I were you.
There are ‘cool kids’ and there’s me, standing outside the party wearing a black eye patch, kicking a rock, picking my nose. I’d love if you’d have me as the freaky spectator. If not, I’ll just continue kicking my rock, with vengeance.
Posted by Sandee | November 30, 2012, 12:07That’s weird. I thought beards usually thought about birds, not dogs.
Posted by becca3416 | November 30, 2012, 12:07Actually, that particular beard is usually thinking about hamburgers.
Posted by michelle w. | November 30, 2012, 13:09Le Clown,
Great idea! This could be a very a intricate story. I think you best give Tiny Geek the tootsie roll…
A – Just one more cup of a liquid sugar. Sleep is for the weak.
D – C’mon, just one little rub. I’ll give you a sloppy kiss.
Ok -sorry, that’s all I got right now!
Amy
Posted by The Bumble Files | November 30, 2012, 13:12This is a great idea.
Posted by Soul Walker | November 30, 2012, 15:41A – Seriously can’t a girl have a drink in peace? Go bother the dog!
D- “Staring contest Round 10″
Beard: Can’t Lose ag..ain…don’t look a…way…can’t believe we lost to the dog too…
Posted by QueridaJ | November 30, 2012, 16:06This is a great idea. Le Clown never ceases to amaze.
Posted by calahan | November 30, 2012, 16:21Le Clown
I’m good at doing riddles. Said me. Never.
(A) Starts off the morning with a shot of espresso. (to herself) “Why am I so dog-tired every day? Suck it up.” Off to the WordPress HQ…(aka the Ranch)
She pulls up to the compound on her bike. Padlock. Check. Glasses. Check. Hair. Spiked.
MW: (heavy sigh) “In we go.”
(inside the control room)
Dozens of interns sit in front of their laptops scrolling through articles. M-Dub puts her helmet on the desk and checks in with the chief intern of FP operations.
MW: “How we lookin’?
Chief Intern: “Nothin’ yet.”
MW: “Any potentials?”
Chief Intern: “All morning it’s been nothing but people writing about their fucking cats. And LeClown.”
MW: “Watch your mouth. Go put a quarter in the jar. (motions to the “Swear Jar”)
(Chief Intern walks over to the jar and drops a quarter in it. (full))
MW: “If he goes down, this whole operation is finished. You’ll be slingin’ pizza’s in two weeks.”
Intern 2: “Hey! Michelle, I think I got something!”
MW: (walks over to intern 2) “What is it?”
Intern 2: “It’s called Art Blogging vs. Conversational Blogging. It was written by that one guy that bitches about everything…”
MW: (bends down to read monitor) Hmm. This one doesn’t look…typical. (squinting) Odd. It’s not a rant, and there doesn’t seem to be any…profanity in it. Yeah. This is it! PRESS IT! PRESS IT! PRESS IT!
Intern 2: “I Don’t know how to! It’s only my first week!”
MW: “Say it, don’t spray it! (wipes face) Pull yourself together!”
Intern 2: “Ok! I’m trying! I’m trying!”
MW: “Move!” (throws Intern 2 out of chair)
(intern 2 falls over chair)
(Michelle @100 mouse-clicks per second)
MW: “I’m losin’ it! I’m losin’ it! The reader’s goin’ haywire!”
Chief Intern: “Slow down! You’re gonna fry the mouse!”
MW: I think I got! I got it! I got it!
(Dead silence) (Everyone stunned) (MW fixes her hair)
Chief Intern: “That was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen.”
MW: “That’s why I’m The Chief Wrangler at this Ranch. Boom!”
………..
Posted by Adam S | November 30, 2012, 18:44Le Clown
Don’t ask…
Posted by Adam S | November 30, 2012, 18:53Le Clown
“?”
Posted by Adam S | November 30, 2012, 19:02A. I wish I could escape from this chair and sleep on the couch
B. I wish I didn’t have so much hair in my ears.
C. I wish I had more hear on the top of my head.
D. Ahhh – the sound of crying babies makes me sleepy.
Posted by artsifrtsy | November 30, 2012, 20:10A. On Monday, my dog Max died. This is why I was driven to drink.
B. You see, he had been pondering quantum mechanics, and his little doggy brain couldn’t handle the thought of a cat being both alive and dead at the same time. Why, Papa, why did you and Uncle Hugo have to discuss Shrödinger in front of Max like that?
C. By the way, our cat Misty heard you, too. She heard you say “cat,” “box,” and “poison” and she was through the cat flap and down the street before you could say Copenhagen. Nice going, Papa.
D. Papa said, “Dont fret, my little Tootsie Roll. Tomorrow we will get you a new pet, one who is not so inclined toward paradoxical musings.”
E. And we did. And although I like my beautiful new dog, I am still devastated about Max being gone. Isn’t it funny how you can feel both happy and sad at the same time? Now somebody get me another shaker of fruit juice. I feel an emotional tantrum coming on.
Posted by blogless wonder | December 1, 2012, 02:19Wouldn’t dare enter this one – you’d all laugh WAY too much and I would end up crying…either that or not find anything funny at all and then I’d cry even more because I’m a loser. Lose-Lose for me I’m afraid!
Posted by kenthinksaloud | December 1, 2012, 05:04a – The blood of a family pet keeps me young. I still get asked for ID at the liquor store.
b – I gotta sniff some crotches before that kid eats me. It’s my dying wish.
c – HAHA! Other dogs, I got here first. Maybe if I sniff just right, the beard will negotiate with the small person for my life.
d – You know, the big dog really has the best blood. Look at me. Not bad for a 93 year old, right?
e – If that kid comes for me, I’m kicking her ass.
Posted by saradraws | December 1, 2012, 09:38A. This isn’t juice. I’m drinking out of mommy’s cup again. I’m sure the cat pees in it.
B. Men, big men, fighting. I wanna punch the one in the hat, put him in a box.
C. If I get near enough to his crotch, he’ll have the voice of a little girl
D. That dog better stay asleep, if he comes anywhere near my crotch or any other part of me again, he’s done for.
E. I’m pretending to stay asleep for as long as it takes. Crying whiny babies do not make good companions
Posted by Storkhunter | December 1, 2012, 15:35B. “These dorks think they’re so special by growing their beards for Movember. Grow hair on your whole body all year long and THEN come talk to me.”
Posted by Jen and Tonic | December 4, 2012, 18:22