In a turn of events nobody saw coming, Le Clown asked me to be the final contender in Le dü-əl between him and Edward Hotspur. I was surprised at the invitation because not only had I not been in the original lineup, but I had no idea who Hotspur even was. Why was Le Clown so interested in having me spank him in a writing contest?
I did what any good competitor would do, and researched my opponent. I was surprised by my findings: throwing shade at our beloved clown, misogynistic overtones, and what appeared to be a ghost town. It all made sense. Le Clown was doing Mr. Hotspur a favor by giving him the only opportunity he’ll ever have to be spanked by a woman.
I have an obsession with older men. Perhaps it’s the way their silvery hair sparkles in the sun, or how their love torpedoes look like Shar Peis, but every single time I see one I want to save a horse and ride a cowboy. There are two places I go to look for senior citizens: Denny’s and retirement homes.
Little known fact: the elderly are freaks. There comes a point in your life when your body doesn’t work quite like it used to, and waking up from a nap is considered a blessing. This means you can’t have sex regularly so when you do, you’ve got to make it count.
Sure, group sex is common at old folks homes, but that’s just one aspect. Senior citizens aren’t one-trick ponies! They’ve got years of wisdom and experience on their side. This means they’ve accumulated a sexual arsenal younger people can only dream of.
I probably shouldn’t divulge the things I’ve seen while GILF-hunting; after all, what happens in the rest home stays in the rest home. However, my desire to
turn Hotspur on beat Hotspur is worth the risk of getting my AARP card revoked.
Here are the things your dear old Nana is doing when you’re not visiting her on Grandparents Day:
Definition: When a woman’s teeth come out during fellatio, and clamp down on the man
Use it in a sentence: “Esther was doing her thing, and suddenly I found my dick in a death Poligrip. It looked like I got attacked by chattering teeth!”
Name: Golden Shower Girls
Definition: The name for 4 women over the age of 60 who let men urinate on them during group sex. Bonus points if two of them are a mother-daughter team. Extra bonus points if their names are Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia.
Use it in a sentence: “Earl isn’t coming to Bingo tonight. He took his rubber sheets to Shady Pines and is hanging out with the Golden Shower Girls.”
Name: The Diapered Booty Call
Definition: When a man calls/texts a woman after 6PM pretending he wants to hang out, but really wants sex
Use it in a sentence: “He had the nerve to Diaper Booty Call me and say he wanted me to come over and talk. I had already eaten dinner and gotten ready for bed. I knew what he wanted.”
Definition: Contracting an STD after going on an unprotected sex binge post hip operation
Use it in a sentence: “I used to want to date Myrtle, but I hear she has Hipatitus. At least she can fall and get up on her own now.”
Name: Scooter Cooter
Definition: Having sex on a motorized scooter
Use it in a sentence: “Martha is a sex maniac. She couldn’t even wait until we got home, and I ended up getting some Scooter Cooter.”
Hotspur, I know you’re probably screaming to the high holy heavens about how unfair it was for Le Clown to bring in a ringer. I sympathize with you, I do. Not only did you lose this round, but you lost it to a girl.
Don’t fret! Sure, the competition didn’t work out in your favor, but I see you as a person with a future in film. I believe in you so much I’m willing to fund your very first movie. Call me, we’ll do lunch.
Jen and Tonic enjoys wearing pants with elastic in the waist, arm wrestling small children, and skinny dipping in her neighbors’ bathtubs when they’re not home. She would like to sincerely thank Rutabaga for throwing the group sex topic into the ring, and Le Clown for allowing her to be a Hotspur saboteur.