Duel #3: Jen and Tonic VS Edward Dachshund.
Edward Dachshund’s post: Grandma, What Big Teets You Have!
UPDATE: Winner of round three: Jen Tonic
******************
In a turn of events nobody saw coming, Le Clown asked me to be the final contender in Le dü-əl between him and Edward Hotspur. I was surprised at the invitation because not only had I not been in the original lineup, but I had no idea who Hotspur even was. Why was Le Clown so interested in having me spank him in a writing contest?
I did what any good competitor would do, and researched my opponent. I was surprised by my findings: throwing shade at our beloved clown, misogynistic overtones, and what appeared to be a ghost town. It all made sense. Le Clown was doing Mr. Hotspur a favor by giving him the only opportunity he’ll ever have to be spanked by a woman.
I will admit I have an unfair advantage in this face-off because I have experience with group sex. I mean, sex in a group home. Okay, both. Hotspur doesn’t stand a chance against my bionic vagina.
I have an obsession with older men. Perhaps it’s the way their silvery hair sparkles in the sun, or how their love torpedoes look like Shar Peis, but every single time I see one I want to save a horse and ride a cowboy. There are two places I go to look for senior citizens: Denny’s and retirement homes.
Little known fact: the elderly are freaks. There comes a point in your life when your body doesn’t work quite like it used to, and waking up from a nap is considered a blessing. This means you can’t have sex regularly so when you do, you’ve got to make it count.
Sure, group sex is common at old folks homes, but that’s just one aspect. Senior citizens aren’t one-trick ponies! They’ve got years of wisdom and experience on their side. This means they’ve accumulated a sexual arsenal younger people can only dream of.
I probably shouldn’t divulge the things I’ve seen while GILF-hunting; after all, what happens in the rest home stays in the rest home. However, my desire to turn Hotspur on beat Hotspur is worth the risk of getting my AARP card revoked.
Here are the things your dear old Nana is doing when you’re not visiting her on Grandparents Day:
Name: Poligrip
Definition: When a woman’s teeth come out during fellatio, and clamp down on the man
Use it in a sentence: “Esther was doing her thing, and suddenly I found my dick in a death Poligrip. It looked like I got attacked by chattering teeth!”
Name: Golden Shower Girls
Definition: The name for 4 women over the age of 60 who let men urinate on them during group sex. Bonus points if two of them are a mother-daughter team. Extra bonus points if their names are Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia.
Use it in a sentence: “Earl isn’t coming to Bingo tonight. He took his rubber sheets to Shady Pines and is hanging out with the Golden Shower Girls.”
Name: The Diapered Booty Call
Definition: When a man calls/texts a woman after 6PM pretending he wants to hang out, but really wants sex
Use it in a sentence: “He had the nerve to Diaper Booty Call me and say he wanted me to come over and talk. I had already eaten dinner and gotten ready for bed. I knew what he wanted.”
Name: Hipatitus
Definition: Contracting an STD after going on an unprotected sex binge post hip operation
Use it in a sentence: “I used to want to date Myrtle, but I hear she has Hipatitus. At least she can fall and get up on her own now.”
Name: Scooter Cooter
Definition: Having sex on a motorized scooter
Use it in a sentence: “Martha is a sex maniac. She couldn’t even wait until we got home, and I ended up getting some Scooter Cooter.”
Hotspur, I know you’re probably screaming to the high holy heavens about how unfair it was for Le Clown to bring in a ringer. I sympathize with you, I do. Not only did you lose this round, but you lost it to a girl.
Don’t fret! Sure, the competition didn’t work out in your favor, but I see you as a person with a future in film. I believe in you so much I’m willing to fund your very first movie. Call me, we’ll do lunch.
Credit: Le Clown’s Brilliance
———————
Jen and Tonic enjoys wearing pants with elastic in the waist, arm wrestling small children, and skinny dipping in her neighbors’ bathtubs when they’re not home. She would like to sincerely thank Rutabaga for throwing the group sex topic into the ring, and Le Clown for allowing her to be a Hotspur saboteur.
Oh Jen, how I wish I could like this one hundred times. Your mind is amazing, and I once again bow to your hilarity.
Posted by Ruby Tuesday | September 21, 2012, 07:08I wish you could have liked it a hundred times too!
I’m glad your mind “gets” my mind. Laughter is more fun when shared with another person.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:16Holy scooter cooter! This was. . . I have no words because I have been struck speechless by the amazingness. Golden Shower Girls, Andy Rooney and dirty Sanchez in the same sentence, GILF-hunting–too much to comment on. I wish I could have group sexy time in a group sexy time house with this post.
Posted by speaker7 | September 21, 2012, 07:29Andy Rooney is not with us any longer, but I’m sure I could convince Abe Vigoda to show you a good time.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:19Oh my God this was epic…too bad I’m on Team Edward! You both did a great job, alas I cannot hit ‘like’. I shall return to read more, though. I promise…or will try to remember the promise that I will likely forget in the near future that I promised to visit and read. Yeah.
Posted by kayjai | September 21, 2012, 07:31I was compelled to like them both – I admit it freely…both are freakin’ awesome.
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 09:27I will admit that I enjoyed his post. He doesn’t have balls enough to admit he liked mine, but we all know he did.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:21I know your post will spank the monkey – so I figured liking both was A-OK!
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 12:22You click that Like button anytime you want. This post was written in America, and in America WE DO WHAT WE WANT!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:28Fucking A
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 12:32I’m assuming that’s not a Twilight reference? I didn’t know where to let my mind go with that one. Choosing between Twilight and Hotspur is like choosing the lesser of the two evils.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:20Twilight!?? Gack!! Hack!! Blech!! What am I, 12? If only. Hotspur is more evil…and smarmy.
Posted by kayjai | September 21, 2012, 12:26He is. I think I’m going to ask him to prom.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:12You should. Tell him to wear the blue tux with the ruffles. Very Edward Hotspurian-like.
Posted by kayjai | September 21, 2012, 13:22Reblogged this on I Was Just Thinking. . . and commented:
This is Sofa King hilarious.
Posted by Ruby Tuesday | September 21, 2012, 07:44Thanks for reblogging this! XO
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:22Of course, doll! It was sitting there, screaming at me, “You must share me with the world!” It was either obey or discuss the necessity of a med adjustment with my psychiatrist.
Posted by Ruby Tuesday | September 21, 2012, 12:38Reblogging Faildom so this is what I posted over at Speaker7.
For some reason, WordPress’s reblogging button is proving to be as stubborn as a catheter in retirement center orgy. This sentence will make more sense when you read the glorious post by Sips of Jen and Tonic over on Le Clown’s blog.
This is what I tried to reblog:
The last entry in the Le Blog Duel and it’s a duel-zzy. You have to understand, Jen and Tonic is a diabolical mastermind genius person and this post is a masterpiece of diabolical mastermind genius personism. Please click on link and LIKE with a big L.
Posted by speaker7 | September 21, 2012, 07:44I need to get “diabolical mastermind genius person” printed on a t-shirt, and wear it around town. You overcame the WordPress odds! Surely that qualifies you for some other kind of award.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:25Reblogged this on Meizac and commented:
The final day of the blogging duel is upon us, with Jen and Tonic sure to seal the win for Team Iron Gonads of Thunder Fire!!
Posted by meizac | September 21, 2012, 07:51*rips open shirt* TEAM GONADS OF THUNDER FIRE!!!!!!
Thanks for the reblog!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:26Jen, YOU are amazing. I think I love you.
THAM
Posted by the howler and me | September 21, 2012, 07:59You *think* you love me? If I stick my tongue down your throat will that seal the deal?
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:29TOTALLY.
Posted by the howler and me | September 21, 2012, 12:58Party foul.
Posted by GingerSnaap | September 21, 2012, 08:10You misspelled “This is the greatest thing I’ve ever read”
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:29But alas, JT, the “party foul” was not meant for you. Allow me to start over…
Party Foul, Mr. Clown.
JT, this is the 2nd best post I’ve ever read about old people and their sex lives! I mean that! 2nd best!
Posted by GingerSnaap | September 21, 2012, 12:41The first being Hotspur’s account of sex with Cougars? Lions? What do you call a woman who has more rings than a tree?
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 22, 2012, 02:46I LOVE THIS POST! As a Matlock Fan – I could not help but hope for some diapered booty call on my cell-oh wait – I don’t text…I don’t turn the cell phone on that I do have…crap.
I think Cooter Scooter was the topper followed by Golden Shower Girls.
YOU ARE MARVELOUS!
Le Clown, count my likes 100 times, please….
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 08:14If you give me your cell phone number I promise to text you invites to Matlock and seksi times on a bearskin rug. You need to keep it on so these golden opportunities don’t pass you by…
You hear the woman, Clown. Count this as 100 likes!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:31100 TIMES!
Alas – Clown is dismayed at my multipage likings…
I don’t want to miss Matlock and bearskin rugs…
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 12:34Reblogged this on The Mercenary Researcher and commented:
Time to be spanked by Jen and Tonic ~
For the sensitive souls that might read my blog…um…you’ll learn a lot.
Read it – Love it – Then Like it..else Matlock will find you….
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 08:18“…you’ll learn a lot.” Understatement of the century!
Thanks for the reblog!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:31Thanks for writing on a topic close to my mind…
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 12:34I can’t wait to get old…older…
Posted by Christopher De Voss | September 21, 2012, 08:25You strike me as a Golden Shower Girls kinda guy, am I right?
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:38as long as no one has eaten a ton of asparagus…
Posted by Christopher De Voss | September 21, 2012, 23:24For gawd’s sake woman, you are hilarious. These contents of your head are both delightful and scary — in a good way. Is this your future as an 80-something? Sounds as if you’re going to be a very popular girl in the elderly circles, Jen.
Posted by Brigitte | September 21, 2012, 08:26I HOPE this is my future as an 80-year-old woman. I want people to hear my hip more than my headboard when I have old lady sex.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:39Wow! This was brilliant.
Posted by RFL | September 21, 2012, 08:32Thanks RFL! I hope it brought the lolz for you.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:39Why should I feel bad? Clown is the one who had to get a woman to write a blog for him. He knew he could not defeat me on his own. Also,I noticed you set my title as “TBD” and set the link to Ginger’s post from Wednesday – I guess you are afraid of people seeing my post and choosing it over yours? Whatever one must to do win, I suppose. You’re the one who has to live with yourself. Speaking of “loneliness”.
Admit it – you BEGGED Clown to let you write this post because of your deep obssession with me. It’s obvious, even though you actually managed to get some of the post to be about the actual topic of the day, that you ache to get a shred, a scrap of attention from me.
Posted by Edward Hotspur | September 21, 2012, 08:36Hotspur, are you hitting on me? I felt like there could be a spark between us, but you just set that shit on fire! Wanna come over later tonight and watch Mary Tyler Moore and have the kind of sex you only tell your therapist about?
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:41Liked the diapered booty call and the scooter cooter but just remember that, when you’re ready for a retirement home, that tattoo that says ‘LOVE YOU FOREVER’ will end up saying something like ‘LOO FUR.’
Posted by Curmudgeon-at-Large | September 21, 2012, 08:53I just imagined my wrinkly tramp stamp hanging over my butt crack, and…I think I can pull it off.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:42I clicked “Like” only to assuage the raging torrent of pity all on the Flaming Clown team at having to go to their bullpen to bail out what has already been an unbelievable blow out by whatever our team is called.
So…tell me more of the “polligrip” of which you speak…
Posted by El Guapo | September 21, 2012, 09:03I think you and I need to keep things simple. I can’t be leaving bite marks all over your junk! You’re a married man! Perhaps just a Cleveland Steamer, or Teabagging?
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:45Oh Matlock with your randy old gland
I’ll give you a tug with my hand
Invite the Golden Shower Girls over
We’ll cavort and maneuver
For that Scooter Cooter ride I demand
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 09:20Something happened which no one intends
A moistening of their rear ends
Nothing is sadder
Than malfunctioning bladders
Did they do it with Poise? It Depends
Posted by Edward Hotspur | September 21, 2012, 09:37HA HA HA HA ~
I have an excellent book of naughty victorian limericks (it’s an alphabet book too) that you’d enjoy.
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 11:32http://www.amazon.com/Gentlemans-Alphabet-Book-Donald-Hall/dp/0525112448
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 11:36I do like it when your rear end gets moist…
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:46Incredible! Perhaps Clown should have given YOU a shot at this topic? You’re the reason we’re all talking about old people sex.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:50I couldn’t have done it better Jen and Tonic – you are a mastermind of the pen…I’m just smut in the mind.
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 12:53I found this especially brilliant: “happens in the rest home stays in the rest home”
Posted by theabrasiveembrace | September 21, 2012, 09:31Retirement homes are the original Vegas
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:51Jen and Tonic – you did a brilliant job with this most delightful topic…it’s all I could have hoped for and more…so much more….Scooter Cooter more…Thank you for writing about it!
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 09:37There are two things I love: sex acts from Urban Dictionary and delicious older men. You were speaking my language when you suggested this. I voted for it!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:52I remember it fondly. I’m a die hard (ha ha) John Waters’ fan – he knows smut like nobody’s business.
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 12:54Sex in a group home! That’s the best! LOL!
Posted by Tallulah "Lulu" Stark | September 21, 2012, 09:40It’s fun to think about, better to watch, and BEST to participate.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:53Ha ha ha! You’re too hilarious
Posted by Tallulah "Lulu" Stark | September 23, 2012, 10:02It was like the urban dictionary of elderly fornication. Best one? Scooter cooter.
Posted by becca3416 | September 21, 2012, 09:58Who doesn’t like doing the freak nasty on a Hoveround?
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:54Genius. That’s all I can say.
Posted by dinnerversions | September 21, 2012, 10:13It’s all you need to say. Thanks!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:55Reblogged this on Sips of Jen and Tonic and commented:
Head over to A Clown on Fire and help me crush the competition in this post I wrote for Clown’s blogging duel against Edward Hotspur. Yeah, I handed his ass to him. Did you expect any less?
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 10:13BRILLIANT! BRILLIANT! BRILLIAN!
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 10:31T
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 10:31This made me giggle hehe
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 12:38I got so carried away, I forgot my T
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 12:46I totally imagined you excitingly (not even sure if that is a word now…) typing away and then the stare of horror because the T went missing.
Having a name starting with a T….I sense the importance…a lot.
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 12:52My spelling and grammar faux pas (or paws) are horrifiying to me…
I sense your sense of importance ~
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 12:55Ohhh paws! I’m always a tad scared I end up typing something partly in Dutch, but that aside…I am happy that you sense what I am sensing
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 12:57Go for Dutch.
we are sensible, ja? (that’s my rudimentary German at work here).
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 13:00Oh boy. Let me dig my brain for my high school German. Let me tell you, this isn’t going to be pretty.
Groetjes!
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 13:07HA! Meinen Deutsch est Crank… and I can’t even guarantee that is an actual grammatically correct sentence….
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 13:11You were afraid you were going to end up typing rotzak or klootzak.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:10Haha! I could do that yes! However it be more common for me to say it in Sranang and then klootzak is “kaolo”. Very often people add “pima saka saka” to it as well. It basically means the same though. Only “pima” literally means dick, but it can also mean klootzak.
Right. I can not believe that I gave a lesson in “how to curse in Sranang” now.
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 13:20I love it when you cuss! It’s like seeing your grandma give the middle finger, you just don’t expect it.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:23Hahahaha!! I chocked in my water Jen!
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 13:25I just imagine you going through life like, “his was he bes day of my life!”
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:56oally
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 12:57Bonjour Le Clown!
Aaaaah Ms. Tonic is just pure genius! I truly wish I could peek in her mind…maybe too much awesomeness for my own good, but I’m willing to sacrifice one of my brains for this.
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 10:31PS.: I totally LOVE the movie poster!! haha
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 10:32TJ,
You inspired the poster. Thank you for the art.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 21, 2012, 10:39*bows for Le Clown & Ms. Tonic*
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 10:48I’ll tell you what’s in my mind right now: lube, clowns, glitter, bubble guns, Dick Cheney and a soccer ball.
Thanks for stopping by TJ! Always good to see your lovely face. Oh! And I hope you like what Le Clown did with your artwork. I loved it!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:58Anytime Jen and I love what Le Clown did!!
Your little peek gave me the oddest doodle idea now, maybe slightly creepy too.
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 13:04YES! I cannot wait to see what you can do with THAT stream of thoughts.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:05I am excited, but a wee bit scared too.
Posted by TJLubrano | September 21, 2012, 13:20Jen, what can I say. This is a fucking masterpiece. I could give you a standing ovation, but what I really want to do is throw you my panties. You fucking rule.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 10:31I prefer panties to standing ovations. I can’t frame a standing ovation and hang it in my living room.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 12:59I can’t wait to be old!!
Posted by jiltaroo | September 21, 2012, 11:03*high five* Here’s to being hoochies when we’re old!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:00You and me babe!
Posted by jiltaroo | September 21, 2012, 19:05You just added so many dangerous and hilarious things to my vocabulary. Thank you.
Posted by Ashley Austrew | September 21, 2012, 11:14Feel free to use these terms with friends, family, your local politician or clergyman.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:01Suddenly, my future looks mmuuuucccchhhh brighter. Thanks! xoM
Posted by Margarita | September 21, 2012, 11:31Nasty sex is just one thing to look forward to! There’s also shaking your fist at kids, and macrame plant holders!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:03I’m a 70s wild thing (I wish), so macrame plant holders have always been a part of life. Shaking fist at kids, now there’s something to look forward to!
Posted by Margarita | September 21, 2012, 13:48This is just great!!!
Loved it!
Posted by Doggy's Style | September 21, 2012, 12:02Your blog name is so appropriate for this post.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:03Wow. I read both posts, and I think Jen nailed it. Le Clown what a brilliant move getting Jen to take up her sword for this battle. LOL I loved the Poligrip one. Well done Jen. You rock!
Posted by Dani Heart | September 21, 2012, 12:44There are so many sexual innuendos with the idea of drawing my sword…
Thanks for commenting! XO
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:04Intentional I assure you.
x0
Posted by Dani Heart | September 22, 2012, 13:35Dani,
When I read the few misogynist undertones of some of the comments on Dachshund’s side, I thought it was appropriate that he and his team get their asses kick by a team of kickass ova.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 21, 2012, 13:33Me too Le Clown.
Posted by Dani Heart | September 22, 2012, 13:36And now… I officially want to literary-marry you! Bravo Jen!
Posted by Maylin Gonzalez (Inked_Labyrinth) | September 21, 2012, 12:56Our wedding night would be the kind of thing legends are made of.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:05Jealous.
Posted by Dani Heart | September 22, 2012, 13:37This is fucking hilarious. Glad I came back today.
Posted by La La | September 21, 2012, 13:06I’m glad you came back too! Glad you enjoyed La La.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:13The Senior Citizens Home, the Urban Dictionary, and sad Hotspur’s dappled ass caught fire today… all at the hands of Le Blog Arsoniste, Jen du Tonic! There is no Golden Girls Shower powerful enough to put out this fire, so let’s all just say, “Burn, baby burn!”… and, “WIN BABY WIN!”.
Posted by billfriday25k | September 21, 2012, 13:21Bill,
A pleasure to have you here. Le Clown salutes you.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 21, 2012, 13:31You know shiz just got real when Bill Friday comments on your post! You know that my love of Urban Dictionary has made for fodder for quite a few of my posts. I do believe our friendship started over a Donkey Punch.
Viva La Tonic!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:38Once… twice… three donkey punches a lady. They’re stopping the fight! They’re stopping the fight! Shiz never got more real.
Posted by billfriday25k | September 21, 2012, 22:42Does this mean it’s time to have “the talk” with my grandma?
Posted by saradraws | September 21, 2012, 13:35No need to talk to her. Just show her this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Pfa07ijUCE&w=560&h=315
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 13:38Reading this at work was not a good thing…but damn funny damn damn funny
Posted by mrsmac1214 | September 21, 2012, 14:26Not safe for work, but appropriate when you’re seducing yourself in bed at night.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 22:00laughing.. true but damn it made my work day better
Posted by mrsmac1214 | September 22, 2012, 13:06true :0) ha
Posted by mrsmac1214 | January 23, 2013, 05:26Bwahah.
2x (funny + dirty) = Jen
Posted by PAZ | September 21, 2012, 14:38I almost forgot. This equation is awesomeness to the third power. Add that!
Posted by PAZ | September 21, 2012, 15:30Jen’s dirtiness x Jen’s funniness x Jen’s bionic vagina = APOCALYPSE
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:45Note to self: go git me some poligrip for my backup teeth when I get older.
Yeehaw.
Posted by Lyssapants | September 21, 2012, 15:03Chomp on those balls, guuuuuurl.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:43Oh yeah, and I do believe Mr. Dachshund just got the spanking he’s always dreamed about.
Posted by Lyssapants | September 21, 2012, 15:04I do use a firm hand…
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:43I see why he chose you for this one, Mr Dachshund doesn’t stand a chance! Right now I need to clean up the mess I made when snorting tea out of my nose…worth it.
Posted by scienerf | September 21, 2012, 15:25I will say Mr. Dachshund did a great job, but I have bigger boobs. End of story.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:44Hi. Has anyone seen my ass? Oh, thank you, Jen and Tonic, for handing it to me. Goodnight. I’m le tired.
Posted by Edward Hotspur | September 21, 2012, 16:40I loved every second that your sweet seat was in my hands *squeeze*
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:59‘Use it in a sentence: “Martha is a sex maniac. She couldn’t even wait until we got home, and I ended up getting some Scooter Cooter”
Funniest freaking thing EVER. LIKE!!
Posted by dockfam | September 21, 2012, 16:53I hope that as you age, you’re able to get the hottest Scooter Cooter this world has ever seen!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:59Ha!
Posted by dockfam | September 24, 2012, 11:52I tried to leave a comment on here three times today during my conference. I was using my iPad WordPress app (and yes, obviously not listening to the speaker), and each time I went to post the comment, it apparently disappeared. I don’t want to type it a fourth time so I will simply say, very funny post! But I did mention in it that there were lots of silver-haired men at my conference that you might have enjoyed…
Posted by Carrie Rubin | September 21, 2012, 17:17I just imagined someone calling on you during the meeting, and without realizing it, your answer being, “No, he PISSED on me!”
I’m jelly that you get to be around all of those silver foxes.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:48Yeah, I’m just soaking all that gray in…
Posted by Carrie Rubin | September 21, 2012, 22:34Zomg, that was hilarious and . . . disturbing, which makes it Clownepic. Golden Shower Girls? I will not watch that show the same way again. I liked you even though you already won. LOL.
Posted by aliceatwonderland | September 21, 2012, 17:56Alice,
I might use “clownepic” from now on. Mmm…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 21, 2012, 18:01I love that! I think you should.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:49Le Clown
You’re welcome.
Alice
Posted by aliceatwonderland | September 21, 2012, 22:27Who HASN’T imagined Bea Arthur getting Golden Showered?
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:48Or the one playing Blanche. Definitely deserved that, and considering her supposed track record with men, would not be surprising.
Posted by aliceatwonderland | September 21, 2012, 22:29Great post Jen. I liked everything but the Twilight bashing in the comments section.
Posted by writerwendyreid | September 21, 2012, 19:22HA! I forgot you like men who sparkle. That just means more for you
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:49I will take them all….please and thank you….with a few shirtless wolf boys for good measure. I’m not greedy…hahaha
Posted by writerwendyreid | September 22, 2012, 16:05Was Le Clown worried he would be outwitted?
No, he just hired Jen because he omitted.
Jen spoke of bedroom horrors and fright,
While we all looked on with much delight.
These are the days of our life, in lieu
The elderly are willing to sex it up with you.
When we grow old and hope not to die
We’ll spin yarns, crochet and hold our legs up high.
Screaming and moaning names at random,
Alzheimer’s makes us forget the sexual phantom.
The next night in the retirement home,
another old man and his wrinkly gnome.
The senior lady walks through the door,
Her tits are dragging, polishing the floor.
The toothless smile, the toothless grin,
The dance of the sandpaper tongue kissin’
Viagra spiked prune juice flows from the fountain
The community room, a bare flesh mountain.
Do we blame Jen or do we blame Le Clown?
Because today our smile is turned upside-down.
Mental images of things that cannot be undone,
As we picture our grandparents having their bedroom fun.
(PS. Great post Jen!!!)
Posted by John the Aussie | September 21, 2012, 19:26John,
Can’t hide anything from you. Shark Bait.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 21, 2012, 19:45Le Clown,
That’s Sir Shark Bait (Hoo ha ha!), from Mount Wanna-hock-a-loogie to you.
John
Posted by John the Aussie | September 21, 2012, 19:51OHMIGOD. This should be posted somewhere else than just this comment thread. I laughed so hard…
Favorite part:
“The senior lady walks through the door,
Her tits are dragging, polishing the floor.”
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:52You’re welcome to steal it.
Posted by John the Aussie | September 22, 2012, 02:48So loved this post! I can’t wait to get to a nursing home! Who knew it was going to be so much fun!
Posted by Deliberately Delicious | September 21, 2012, 19:49You’ll be great at Poligripping, I can just tell! Watch out for that Hipatitus though…
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 21, 2012, 21:54Ha! It brings a whole new meaning to 50 shades of grey!
Posted by Deliberately Delicious | September 22, 2012, 11:11I love the topic, maybe because I am getting closer to that age group and hope Jen will visit me someday…. LeClown, you picked a good ringer to come in this time and guest for you. Awesome to both of you…
Posted by mikesen2013 | September 22, 2012, 22:07I will gladly come visit you. Perhaps we’ll make up a few new acts of our own.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 22, 2012, 23:51Totally, absolutely, AWESOME!!!
Posted by workspousestory | September 23, 2012, 16:06You also forgot “sexy”. Oh…you were describing the post, and not me.
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 23, 2012, 21:51(that was you)
Posted by workspousestory | September 23, 2012, 22:28Atta girl!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 24, 2012, 00:24Absolutely THE MOST HILARIOUS THING I’ve read in a long time. OMG!!!!
Posted by Carolina Courtland | September 23, 2012, 21:02Carolina,
Right??
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 23, 2012, 21:21YES! One of the best compliments I can receive. Thank you
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 23, 2012, 21:51Almost looking forward to turning 80
Awesome job Jen Xx
Posted by kelsgonebush | September 29, 2012, 02:25Getting old is gonna be GREAT!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 29, 2012, 23:28