Duel #2: Madame Weebles VS El Guapo.
El Guapo’s post: Le Identity Faux Paw
UPDATE: Winner of round two: Madame Weebles
******************
Day 187 in Anytown, USA. I wake up each morning hoping it was all just a terrible dream. But it isn’t. It’s all too disturbingly real.
I live in an antiseptic ranch house. My house looks like all the other houses on the street. Which looks like all the other streets in a town that looks like so many other towns.
The name I go by here, Madame Weebles, is not my real name. They stripped away my real name and identity after I testified in court. After the trial I was whisked away to my new home here, my new life—if you can call this living. Witness protection is the only way to keep you safe, they said. I don’t care, I’m ready to go home. It’s too quiet here. The Chinese food and pizza suck. And don’t get me started on those things they call “bagels.” Bread baked in the shape of a donut is not a bagel, people.
Also, I’m having a really hard time disguising my New York accent. The folks here are under the impression that the words “frog,” “log,” and “dog” rhyme. But it’s almost impossible for me to keep the word “doooawg” from falling out of my mouth. I have no idea how mob informants like Tony the Hand and Joey Baggadonuts manage in witness protection. There’s no way they can hide those accents. Fuhgeddaboutit.
It’s all HIS fault. For committing those unspeakable crimes. Crimes so heinous, so obscene, so shocking, that to this day I can’t think about them without shaking uncontrollably. I remember it all as if it happened yesterday. I was walking through Grand Central Station one afternoon. That’s when I heard it. This…squeal. It was inhuman. It was coming from one of the many passageways around the concourse area. The way the noise echoed, it sounded like it was coming from the depths of Hell.
I followed the noise until I came to a small alcove. It took my eyes a few seconds to register what they beheld. A depraved-looking man hunched over someone. Or something. It looked like—no, it couldn’t be. But it was.
I stumbled out to the concourse. I couldn’t even speak, I just gestured for the transit cops to follow me. They wrestled the monster to the ground and cuffed him. As they hauled him away, he hissed, “You’ll pay for this.”
A few months later I took the witness stand and described the diabolical acts I had seen. Two members of the jury had to be hospitalized. The judge sobbed uncontrollably. And the defense attorney clutched her rosary beads and prayed for death.
The jury deliberated for 10 minutes. “Guilty.” And with that, the U.S. Marshals escorted me from the courtroom. As I passed the defendant, he looked at me with wild eyes and yelled, “Vengeance will be mine!!” And so here I am. Because of him.
BAM!!!!
What the fuck was that??? Someone just blasted through my back door. Oh my God. He found me. I can’t believe it.
I ran as fast as I could, but they were catching up with me. They were really fast for dogs with such short legs. Dachshunds—hundreds of them—all with clown noses. They looked rabid, with a vicious, predatory look in their eyes.
Shit. I’m trapped. These fucking cul-de-sacs. Now what?
I ran through someone’s yard to try to evade those blood-thirsty little clown dogs. Then WHAM!! I slammed into someone and we both landed on the ground.
El Guapo????? What was HE doing here??
Well how do you like that. Turns out Guap was also in witness protection, living just a few streets over from me. He was running from the clown dogs too. Le Clown had ordered a hit on him. El Guapo wouldn’t even tell me what he had witnessed—he kept shaking his head and mumbling, “It’s too horrible.”
We finally reached safety after stepping over a fence that was about 18 inches high. The dogs growled at us menacingly through the chain links. El Guapo and I traded fake names to confuse the dogs, and they eventually wandered off in search of bacon.
Hotspur thought his little goon dogs would finish me off. He thought he’d heard the last of me. He’s going to be sorely disappointed. Yes. Sorely disappointed indeed.
And that’s my witness protection story. I, Madame Weebles/El Guapo, am lucky to be alive to share it with you.
———————
Madame Weebles (better known to the clown dogs as El Guapo) is an alias. Although she is no longer in the Witness Protection program, she kept the name because she likes it. She would like to thank The Ringmistress for suggesting this topic and hopes this offering meets with her approval. If you liked this post—and even if you hated it—please click the Like button. Otherwise the terrorists win.
Join us again tomorrow for the final, epic matchup: master criminal Edward Hotspur vs Darth Vader’s hero, Le Clown.
oh you spin a good yarn… and I am sorry my pathetic comment is first. But hey.. I was up, I read, I digested and enjoyed . Good luck Team..
Posted by unfetteredbs | September 20, 2012, 07:12This is far from a pathetic comment, my friend. And you can bask all day in the glow of being the first to comment. I’m NEVER the first to comment here, Le Clown gets up way too early for me.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:11Dachshunds with clown noses….*shudder* I will never sleep tonight.
Posted by speaker7 | September 20, 2012, 07:18You have no idea what kind of fucked-up dreams I’ve been having since I wrote this.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:12If I told you how many google images I searched for a picture of a Dachshund with a clown nose, you’d think I was cra- You’d think I fit right in here.
Posted by El Guapo | September 20, 2012, 10:19I enjoyed surfing the Weeble wave of this post. It was very clever and evoked many graven images. I especially liked the idea of me commanding an army of dogs, just like The Beastmaster, or Cruella de Vil.
Posted by Edward Hotspur | September 20, 2012, 11:00That’s almost a compliment, Hotspur. I’ll take it.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 12:08Oh, dear. That was a great story, Madame/Guap…I’m torn. *sigh*
Posted by kayjai | September 20, 2012, 07:19Hell, even *I’m* torn, kayjai !! Guap/Madame wrote a great post. I wish I could Like it.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:13Reblogged this on Speaker7 and commented:
The duel continues with a giant glove slap from Madame Weebles. Please read her awesomeness and click the “Like” button so Team Le Clown Iron Gonads of Something can win. Do it for justice, beauty and twinkies.
Posted by speaker7 | September 20, 2012, 07:19Thanks lady. Are we the most awesome team ever or what?
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:14Truly, you’re like SpongeBob, Squidward and Sandy Cheeks.
Posted by El Guapo | September 20, 2012, 10:21Can I be Squidward? I love Squidward.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:24Wow, crime, weiner dogs, clowns and a riveting storyline — what more could you want? Is Madame Weebs and El Guapo one and the same? Are they even real or extensions of that clown guy? Have we all been duped?
Posted by Brigitte | September 20, 2012, 07:31I am now suspicious of their identities after reading both stories…. it could all be Le Clown – he seems a bit schizo… is he a multiple personality blogger? Although I think M Weebles is who she is … but who REALLY knows?
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 20, 2012, 09:47Le Clown is probably the only person I know who would have the energy to post as three different bloggers and maintain three different sites, come to think of it.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:16And still work full time, raise a family and whatnot – I wonder if he sleeps???
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 20, 2012, 10:28It’s hard to tell us apart, B. But I’m the one with the rack.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:15go weebles – you rock
Posted by Kyle | September 20, 2012, 07:42Thank you so much, monsieur! *curtsy*
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:16I was in the witness protection program and was stripped of all that made me interesting–and even though I am no longer in the program, I am still boring–You M. Weebles are far from boring!
Posted by on thehomefrontandbeyond | September 20, 2012, 07:42I disagree, LouAnn. You are muy interesante.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:19thank you – I think
Posted by on thehomefrontandbeyond | September 20, 2012, 10:23I think if I remember my French (which I don’t) I may have just called you Mr. so I am changing M. to Madame — I could be wrong though — I get shorthand and French mixed up – I was terrible in both these subjects.
Posted by on thehomefrontandbeyond | September 20, 2012, 07:44Hooray! I’m not the only one left on the planet who does shorthand! THANK YOU! lol
Posted by Margarita | September 20, 2012, 09:35You know shorthand too, Margarita?? Another genius. I worked with a woman who used Gregg shorthand and I was absolutely transfixed, watching her take dictation. It was like magic to me.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:21Yes, Gregg is my language…still use it from time to time…
Posted by Margarita | September 20, 2012, 10:25That is quite all right, I accept accolades under any name. And the fact that you know shorthand makes you a genius in my book.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:20I took shorthand – I was miserable at it – that is how I knew I had to take academic subjects and not business–though somehow I ended up being a legal secretary for a few years — and had to come up with my own shorthand–to this day I cannot type a sentence without making a mistake–I think the fact that I worked in my father-in-law’s office had something to do with it –an english degree did not help my typing or my shorthand –anyway this is more than you wanted to know
Posted by on thehomefrontandbeyond | September 20, 2012, 10:25Oh. My. Gawd. I love this!!
Posted by meizac | September 20, 2012, 08:13Thanks, Homegirl. I’m going to call you Homegirl from now on because if things keep up around here, I’ll have to move up near you. Also, even though you don’t live here, you have the right amount of snark to pass as a New Yorker.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:24I can live with Homegirl.
Posted by meizac | September 20, 2012, 12:11I can live with Homegirl. I draw the line at Sugar Lips though (just so you know).
Posted by meizac | September 20, 2012, 12:11That seems fair. Thanks Homes.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 12:21Reblogged this on Meizac and commented:
The blogging duel continues, with this gem from Madame Weebles. Go, Team Iron Gonads of Thunder Fire!!
Posted by meizac | September 20, 2012, 08:14Reblogged this on The Mercenary Researcher and commented:
Read it – Love it – Vote for it
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 20, 2012, 08:31Madam W your prose is so fine
Like fine whiskey, pure water and wine
The dog-clowns do frighten
My stomach did tighten
Please don’t come to my town, I decline!
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 20, 2012, 08:37How do you DO that??
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:25What? Rhyme words? I watch a lot of Sesame Street. You can do it too! It’s fun ~
I think limericks are probably the lowest form of ‘poetry’ – which suits me fine.
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 20, 2012, 10:29Fantastic. Absolutely adore this.
Posted by Ruby Tuesday | September 20, 2012, 08:45Gripping, simply gripping, Weebs. I didn’t know you wrote suspense novels involving beastly little weiner dogs. Another of your fine writing talents squandered on LeClown’s site. But I enjoyed, thank you!
Posted by Cathy Ulrich | September 20, 2012, 09:19Thanks Cathy!! I love the word “beastly” — it’s a word that isn’t used nearly enough these days.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:27Yep, pretty sure there’s something fundamentally wrong with us, Madame Gua- I mean El Weeb- I mean…
Yes. Very very wrong. But way too funny!
Posted by El Guapo | September 20, 2012, 09:20We’re obviously twisted, El Weebs/Madame Guap — cheers!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:29That was great! And I could go for a baggadonuts right about now.
Posted by heylookawriterfellow | September 20, 2012, 09:21Please take me with you…baggadonuts & chocolate, that ought to get my ruminating really going! lol
Posted by Margarita | September 20, 2012, 09:39You’re my kinda person, Margarita.
Posted by heylookawriterfellow | September 20, 2012, 09:42Me too, Mike. And I miss Krispy Kreme. There used to be Krispy Kreme up here. Now, no.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:35Oh, I agree re: K.Kreme! They made Dunkin’ Donuts look like trailer trash by comparison.
I’m thinking a blogger donut run might be in order.
Posted by heylookawriterfellow | September 20, 2012, 11:00Owww, I’m homesick “Also, I’m having a really hard time disguising my New York accent. The folks here are under the impression that the words “frog,” “log,” and “dog” rhyme. But it’s almost impossible for me to keep the word “doooawg” from falling out of my mouth. ” it’s just like phone, mall and coffee.
Nice story, I pictured the main concourse and the dogs perfectly.
Posted by Doggy's Style | September 20, 2012, 09:34Doggy’s Style! You’re one of us too? You know El Guapo is in NYC as well. Where are you now? Also, I can’t believe I’m asking this, but how do you pronounce “phone”? Mall and coffee I know, of course, but the phone one stumps me.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:36I’m currently in Spain.
My southerners (south is whatever is not NYC) friends say that in NYC phone sounds like phown or something like that, to be honest I don’t hear it.
Posted by Doggy's Style | September 20, 2012, 11:08I guess I don’t hear it either then.
Spain! Buenos dias, amigo!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 12:10You are aware that it was Bloomberg’s idea to replace German Shepherds with Weiner dogs. Yet another example of mayoral proportion control.
Posted by lameadventures | September 20, 2012, 09:35Oh my God, V, that just made me LAUGH OUT LOUD.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:37Bloomberg even kinda/sorta looks like a Weiner dog, Weebs.
Posted by lameadventures | September 20, 2012, 10:51Except wiener dogs are taller.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:52I’ll be laughing a loooonnnnggg time today…thanks! xoxoM
Posted by Margarita | September 20, 2012, 09:41Thank you, Margarita!!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:39It ain’t about the better or worse. A damn good post gets a Like.
And thanks for leading the way on that, Madame Weebles.
Posted by El Guapo | September 20, 2012, 10:35The pleasure’s all mine, Guap. Thank for suggesting the collaboration, it was a great idea!!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 10:43Guapo, Weebles,
You guys are cute. Weebles, thank you for leading us to another victory.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 20, 2012, 11:03My pleasure, partner.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 11:27It seems Madame Weebles and El Guapo have broken off and formed their own team. I don’t blame them – caught between a Clown and an Awesomesauce place as they were.
Posted by Edward Hotspur | September 20, 2012, 11:05Really? That’s all you got?
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 11:27Of course not. Pics or it didn’t happen.
Posted by Edward Hotspur | September 20, 2012, 13:14I want some Krispy Kreme now. I think I will go to the one that is just 2 miles from my house on the way home. And when I eat it, I will think of you, Madame Weebles.
Posted by Edward Hotspur | September 20, 2012, 13:18I’m not sure how I feel about this.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 13:27Oh, Madame Weebles–as always, so, so good. But having to choose between you and El Guapo was entirely too stressful for this conflict-avoider. Thus, I tossed a coin. Literally. And, well, the absence of my Gravatar head up there in the ‘like’ bin shows you who won. Please, please, don’t hate me because I’m a wuss…
Posted by Carrie Rubin | September 20, 2012, 11:27I completely understand, and I still love you, Connie.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 11:29I deserved that.
Posted by Carrie Rubin | September 20, 2012, 11:35Carrie!!!
Snif.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 20, 2012, 11:53I know, I know. Believe me, I’m self-flagellating.
Posted by Carrie Rubin | September 20, 2012, 12:03I’ve decided to take my own conflict avoidance in a different direction and simply like both posts. These two/one/I’m-not-quite-sure are clearly in cahoots anyway.
Although… I refuse to believe the mob would bother to follow people into the suburbs… unless of course it was Long Island because the pizza and bagels are still pretty good here. Otherwise, why bother? Just wait for El Weebles and Madame Guapo to slowly starve to death.
Posted by Love & Lunchmeat | September 20, 2012, 20:15I agree–there does seem to be a bit of a cahoots thing going on here…
Posted by Carrie Rubin | September 20, 2012, 20:33Gotta love a story with dachshunds in it!
Posted by robincoyle | September 20, 2012, 11:52Right??
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 12:11Madame Weebles, There are no dachshunds (yet) but I’ve noticed that the deer outside my house have started wearing clown noses. Should I be worried?
Posted by Curmudgeon-at-Large | September 20, 2012, 11:56Oh dear. It depends. Have you shot any of them? If not, then you’re probably okay. Probably just a rehearsal for their production of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 12:13Dammit, I just realized I missed a prime pun opportunity. I should have started off that reply by saying, “Oh deer.”
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 12:20It was Rudolph you to miss that pun. You bucked up, but I’m sure it was a fawn-time thing.
You are a worthy opponent. Have you considered “Mistress Weebles”?
Posted by Edward Hotspur | September 20, 2012, 14:03You got my vote. A) because you spin a helluva yarn, lady. Write a book. I’ll buy one. B) because you dropped my name and C) because you’re the bees knees. I’m sure El Guapo is cool beans, but you’re, like FROZEN PEAS. Much love.
Posted by saradraws | September 20, 2012, 12:05I’m more like that delicious steak encased in a block of ice in the back of the fridge that’s been there so long it predates the current tenants.
But yeah, Weebles is cool too.
Posted by El Guapo | September 20, 2012, 12:10Frozen peas!! I am deeply flattered. El Guapo is definitely cool beans, though.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 12:16Oh Weebs, boy did I laugh, but in the good way I swear.
Posted by Fish Out of Water | September 20, 2012, 12:11I believe you!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 20, 2012, 12:19Why does your witness protection home resemble my reality – bread in the shape of donuts! Holy Hell, get me out of here!!! (“here” also known as the suburbs of Illinois)
hahah! Great job, per usual!
Posted by A Gripping Life | September 20, 2012, 12:50Oy vey, Grippy, want me to send you a bagel care package? Nobody should have to put up with ersatz bagels.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:34Umm…. Yes I do! Could you send me some Pizza from Rays and some Chinese food, too? oh, and you might as well throw in a hot pretzel and a couple Sabrett hot dogs. Okay, that’s all. Wait, what? I’m totally serious.
Posted by A gripping life | September 21, 2012, 07:50Man I was praying I had popcorn while reading this — Brilliant! I couldn’t help but think of that movie with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant where they get sent from NYC to the witness protection program in Wyoming.
Posted by dockfam | September 20, 2012, 13:00I forgot all about that movie. I would not cast Sarah Jessica Parker in a movie adaptation of this story, though. I would genetically engineer a hybrid of a young Sophia Loren and Catherine Zeta-Jones to play me. El Guapo can choose whoever he wants to play him.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:31Danny Devito.
Posted by El Guapo | September 21, 2012, 01:35HA!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:37Le Clown maybe? heh heh
Posted by dockfam | September 24, 2012, 11:56Reblogged this on Sips of Jen and Tonic and commented:
The Le Clown duel against Hotspur continues with this fabulous post from Madame Weebles
Posted by Jen and Tonic | September 20, 2012, 13:44Thanks for the reblog, sister!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:37Reblogged this on Someone Fat Happened and commented:
Like this, if you know what’s good for you.
Posted by Maggie O'C | September 20, 2012, 13:53Bless you, my excellent non-Obama-voting friend.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:37*applauding*
Posted by calahan | September 20, 2012, 13:59*bowing and curtsying*
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:32The Teflon Weeble.
Okay, so… that doesn’t work unless you are the one on trial, Madame… but… how often do I get a chance to drop a Teflon Weeble? So… that’s… my excuse. I guess. Or… whatever.
Posted by spilledinkguy | September 20, 2012, 15:00True, you don’t hear about Teflon Weebles, just Teflon Dons. That’s discrimination!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:26Fucking brilliant.
Posted by Lyssapants | September 20, 2012, 16:49Thank you so fucking much!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:33Sorry I got here so late (I have a job, unlike most of the people who commented before me), that was fucking hysterical. clown dogs? I could picture them snarling and barking through the foot and a half high fence……lmao Well done!
Posted by writerwendyreid | September 20, 2012, 18:10Many thanks Wendy! And seriously, those little dogs can really fuck you up from the knees down. They’re not kidding around.
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:39Congrats M Weebles!
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 20, 2012, 19:15Thank you so much, Rutabaga—and thank you for your continued support!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:39you rock ~
Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | September 21, 2012, 09:23So what now? Here i am after reading the post that El Guapo wrote and i must say, truly well written. I wont give a like, but know that i liked reading this as well. A battle well fought.
Posted by Anthony | September 20, 2012, 19:38And I appreciate your loyalty to El Guapo, Anthony. Thank you for stopping by!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:25“A real thriller”- The New Yorker
“I was absolutley on the edge of my seat…” – John Travolta look alike
“I wish I could have pet at least one of those dogs.” Sally Struthers
“What time is it?” Pauley Shore
“”Bro! Epic!!” -Keanu Reeves
“Fuckin’ yes!” -Pigeon Heart <3
Posted by Pigeon Heart | September 20, 2012, 22:34Pigeon Heart,
Le Clown has good hunches when it comes to blogging… I see something with you in some near future…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 20, 2012, 22:43lez do it
Posted by Pigeon Heart | September 20, 2012, 22:47So much better than the reviews I got from the National Enquirer. Thank you!!!
Posted by Madame Weebles | September 21, 2012, 01:24