I’m a day late with my Suicide Prevention Day post. Yesterday was my one year wedding anniversary, and as much as I believe in destigmatizing suicide, I focussed yesterday on my wife, and our union. I’ve written this next post hoping it may help someone in need, or families who’ve lived through a similar tragedy.
On April 9, 1996, my father committed suicide by wrapping a belt around his neck, and hanging himself in a closet. My father was a sad man, a dark and tortured soul. Years of untreated depression, an unhappy marriage and misaligned therapy cornered his suffering like a wounded animal, and when his union to my mother ended, so did his life.
A few years later, I received a phone call from an aunt – a cousin had taken his own life by driving his car off a bridge, and into a river. A letter was found: “Thank you uncle, for giving me the courage to do what I needed to do”, or something like that. My father’s suicide, an inspiration… I felt sorry for his young soul and his family, and ashamed of my father.
Niagara couldn’t make my father smile.
I was 26 – and a drug addict and alcoholic – when my father died. My childhood was not a pleasant one – we lived in poverty, and food and clothing were often donations from charities. I was a happy young man, nonetheless. If nothing could have prepared me for the pain the news of my father’s suicide brought upon me, nothing could have prepared me for the gamut of emotions the next few years was going to grant me: confusion, sadness, anger, shame… suppressed by excessive drinking and cocaine. It would take 16 years to gather the courage to visit my father’s urn, and to understand that:
- It wasn’t my mother’s fault – she left an abusive marriage. I’m sorry for making you accountable, mom;
- I can’t blame the Catholic Church – my father’s Faith was his solace;
- I am not responsible – meeting my father for a coffee the night before his untimely death wouldn’t have saved him from his inner demons.
My sole regret now, is not finding compassion again sooner after my father’s death. Compassion for my mother who drowned herself in her sorrow, for my guilt ridden self, and for my loving, off-beat dad who deserved a good, happy life.
Be kind. “Cultivate compassion“.
A rare post-suicide family picture.
POST SCRIPTUM: If you’re having dark thoughts, extreme sadness, or even if the vaguest thought of ending your life is floating around, please tell someone. Anyone. Give yourself a chance, even if reaching out seems impossible. Related articles:
Like everyone else already said – beautifully expressed, and so much more. Thanks for the lovely read.
Posted by DeeDee | September 11, 2012, 18:52DeeDee,
I hope you don’t mind that I quoted you. It resumed my train of thoughts so well.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 07:27Not at all – really rather flattered, in fact.
Posted by DeeDee | September 13, 2012, 01:38Wow. That’s all I have.
Wow.
Posted by speaker7 | September 11, 2012, 19:19Speaker7,
Thank you.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 07:26Eric,
What a heartbreaking story. How amazing that you have the strength to share it. The world is a better place because of people with your strength and perspective.
Bonnie
Posted by nevercontrary | September 11, 2012, 20:42Bonnie,
Thank you for saying so. I’ve said it a few times already, but I don’t know how to do it any other way. You’re such a kind soul.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 07:25I don’t have anything really to say. Not because I don’t feel anything . . . I just feel like words would be trite and not quite express how I feel about it. *hugs*
Posted by Angel Fractured | September 11, 2012, 22:24Angel,
No need to say anything, friend.Hugs to you too.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 07:24Jeez Eric, this was a powerful post that hit hard. Speaking as an ex-suicidal I can sympathise with your father and your cousin. What your post helps to make clear is that when someone takes their life they leave everyone else around them behind and it is those people who have to pick up the pieces. It is one of the many things that I always keep in mind when I get down, stressed or depressed and helps keep those feelings at bay.
You’re a brave and impressive man who has lived a life worth sharing. I take my hat off to you and thank you, like so many others here have done, for sharing this. You need to get a book out mate – it would sell like hot cakes!
Best wishes for this particular post. Make it bring comfort to many and reach those who need it most.
Posted by kenthinksaloud | September 12, 2012, 02:42Ken,
Wow! Now that’s quite the comment! Thank you for sharing your own experience, I am well aware of the taboo that mental health still carries around. I appreciate your candour, and your kind words, as always.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 07:23Thank you for sharing. It’s terrible when someone feels like they have no other way out than suicide, or when they are suffering with depression so severe that they can’t ever see an end to it. I think the difficult thing is that as children, we learn our coping mechanisms from our parents, so when your example is a parent who couldn’t cope, where do you turn? I’m glad you’ve managed to turn your life around, and want to use your experiences to help others.
Posted by Queen Gen | September 12, 2012, 02:59Queen Gen,
“To want to use your experiences to help others.”… If only to give a bit of hope, that would be sufficient. Thank you for reading, Queen Gen. As always.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 07:21Eric, that was touching. We all know that everyone got his own life and own misery, but it’s only when they talk about it, that we realise others have this side of life as well. Especially for bloggers it may seem that they are mostly virtual people, while that’s not true of course.
And seeing you ending your comments with Eric and not Le Clown strengthens the ‘touchingness’ of your post for me. I find it brave that there are people who can talk about this so seriously, I don’t think I’d be able to do it, not if it’s so close to what you’ve been through.
It’s such a rough subject, and I think it applies to more people than we might think.
Posted by No Blog Intended | September 12, 2012, 07:36NBI,
Thank you. You all have our own stories, secrets… even the darker ones. My father’s suicide has left such an indelible mark on me… Admittedly, when I first wrote about his death, I didn’t know if I would be able to publish it once it was completed. This time around, I was much more at peace with it.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 16:12Eric, you should be proud of yourself for writing that and being able to turn such difficult experiences in life lesson and compassion. I hope there will always be loving people around you to share your life with in a fulfilled way. Lots of love xx
Posted by workspousestory | September 12, 2012, 11:40India,
Thank you. I’m quite happy with this piece: it’s real, it’s emotionally exactly what I wanted to say about it, and I am glad others can relate to it. Thank you, India.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 16:23Oh darling clown, thank you for sharing this. I am so very sorry for all of you. I continue to marvel at our capacity for compassion and forgiveness as we get older. I am simultaneously so proud of you and what a loving and giving husband and father you are. What a great friend and fellow writer you are to all of us. xoxo maggie
Posted by Maggie O'C | September 12, 2012, 12:56Maggie,
Sometimes, I have a feeling that I’m just regressing emotionally… Which wouldn’t be such a bad thing if it’s about regaining compassion and love.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 16:26Eric,
I don’t know if I agree about the regressing. I feel like aging gives us the ability to forgive thus making us more compassionate. Either way, I dig you.
AND back to me, I just took the Not Featured on Freshly Pressed badge b/c it is Magnificent!
Maggie
Posted by Maggie O'C | September 12, 2012, 16:31Maggie,
I like when you don’t agree. It creates good exchanges… When I say regressing, I encompass the compassion of a child, that unconditional love they can have (before they turn evil)… Personally, there have been times in my adult life where I threw my compassion by the window, as indifference or confrontation was so much more fun… Regressing, at least the way I brought it, might be just that: remembering what it was to be compassionate as a child.
And kudos for taking the Not Freshly Pressed. I know we share similar feelings about that one…
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 16:36Eric,
hahahaha
I see where you’re going. I guess I was an asshole child
We get to the same spot by different paths.
Maggie
Posted by Maggie O'C | September 12, 2012, 16:45You made me lawl, you fuck.
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 16:46
Posted by Maggie O'C | September 12, 2012, 16:50I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am that you are brave enough to write about this subject, be open about life and brining people together. Every voice makes a difference, and yours is loud and clear. You are a wonderful person Eric. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by Sophy | September 12, 2012, 15:35i think i had a phase like this once..i guess a day…
dont know what changed…am still blue but lot stronger
Posted by littlemissobsessivesanatomy | September 12, 2012, 16:24LMOA,
Sorry it took so much time to answer your comment. This thread has been emotionally challenging… In a good way. It’s ok to be blue occasionally, LMOA… Unless you’re a Phil Collins song. In that case, it’s just plain wrong.
L’Éric
Posted by Le Clown | September 14, 2012, 12:08i dont really know the Phil Collins song you are talking about…guilty…
…
…but my level of blues lot more awesome now… maybe because im not 20 anymore…To be honest i was once a sad little kid , im still little and still sad but not a kid which makes me stronger
also super heroes are destined to fight and be awesome
Posted by littlemissobsessivesanatomy | September 14, 2012, 15:41Thank you for this, Le Clown. You strike me as a resiliant type who will get better and better forever, no matter what life throws at you. Quite the anti-suicide advocate, just by living your life.
I’m sorry for your pain, of course. My ex husband committed suicide years after I left him, and the impact his death had on me was so powerful and unexpected. I can’t understand all you’ve been through, but I do sympathize and your courage and honesty are inspiring.
Posted by chaotican | September 12, 2012, 16:29Chaotican,
Thank you for your comment. My mother lived something similar to you, after my father’s death. My dad was a violent man, usually more than anything, verbally abusive, not that it is more excusable. Even when he was silent we would fear him… It was usually the calm before the storm. I was proud of my mom when she left him, and happy for her. However, the guilt she lived after his suicide nearly killed her. She’s a fragile woman today, I feel for her.
Thank you for your kinds words. I don’t know your entire story yet, although I have a pretty good idea from your About section. My heart goes to you…
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 12, 2012, 16:32I could not tell you the first person in my life that committed suicide. I am sure the list is not endless… but each one is so… anyways, death has been near me in all its forms since I was a small child. There were the diseases, the illnesses, the surgery complications, the car accidents, the old age, the wars… but something about the suicides always gets me…
I used to think with a hand gun to my temple. It helped me to focus. I found it relaxing in a way that only the damaged and despairing could.
By the time I was ten, I wanted to die.
People say the strangest things about suicide. Some of those things used to make me mad. Some of them made me sad. But suicide really is hard to take… for everyone.
It’s not that a bullet from a sniper-rifle pushing the brains of someone you love all over the sand is easy to take, but suicide really is different. It really is hard on people in a way that other deaths are not. I wish I didn’t know this with so much confidence… but experience speaks very loudly.
I know what it is like to want to die. I know what it is like when someone you care about kills themselves and you did not see it coming. I know what it is like to be unexpectedly affected by the suicide of someone you really did not know that well. I know that it is hard to write about. I know that it is hard to live with. I know the anger. I know the tears. I know the pain. I know the screaming– at walls and God, and anything near. I know the weight of it. I know the burden. I know the violence it does to your soul. I know how hard it is to remember in sequence. I know how things flash in strange order.
I pray that you and yours find peace, even in this life. Be well. You are not alone.
Posted by asoulwalker | September 12, 2012, 18:22Compassion can change the world!
Posted by kzackuslheureux | September 12, 2012, 23:07Kreta,
Like Gholm.
L’Éric
Posted by Le Clown | September 13, 2012, 19:41You’re such a Clown! I thought I had replied to your last comment on my post, but I guess it disappeared in blogopolis. What does -opolis mean? Shouldn’t it be -polis becuase isn’t -metro- the root? Like “metropolis” so would -polis infer “population”? but if we don’t throw that extra -o- in there, it sounds so stupid! Blogpolis. Sounds like a cruel thing to do to a dog. Oh crap, this was a serious post, and I just went and rambled on and on about crap…. Well, so is life, find the humoUr in it, eh? Loves Always to the fam, and our Montrealian Blogger.
Posted by kzackuslheureux | September 14, 2012, 13:20Oh, this is such a powerful post! I’m sorry to hear about your father. I can’t imagine how painful his death must have been. My dad died while I was in college, but at least he didn’t take his own life. I still miss him.
Just wanted to thank you for the comment you left on my blog this morning. It was great to hear from you!
Hugs,
Kathy
Posted by Kathryn McCullough | September 13, 2012, 08:06Kathy,
Thank you for dropping by. It was important for me to write something for Suicide Prevention Day. If I am not mistaken, I think it’s V from Lame Adventures that guided me to your blog… I’m not sure, though, as I have a terrible memory…
L’Éric
Posted by Le Clown | September 13, 2012, 08:12Thank you for sharing your story.
S.
Posted by a solo affair | September 13, 2012, 11:21S.,
Thank you for taking the time to read it. I haven’t finished answering all the comments on this one as it was emotionally challenging. But this one, I could do.
L’Éric
Posted by Le Clown | September 13, 2012, 11:22Yes, thank you for sharing. I envy and I don’t envy you at all for having been older when this happened to you. I was so little I can hardly remember anything about my father. I can only imagine the demons you had to fight with after this. Glad you made it so beautifully
Posted by theabrasiveembrace | September 13, 2012, 12:54TAE,
Thank you for reading this not so easy post. I’m sorry about the loss of your father at such a very young age. I’ll soon visit your blog.
L’Éric
Posted by Le Clown | September 13, 2012, 19:41I just found this post through Fish. It made me want to cry. All I can say is that you seem so strong in the face of it all and I can see that you really try hard to bring depression to light. Your strength is an inspiration that I am certain helps many people. I hope that you have been able to make peace with this event. You have obviously brought yourself back from an abyss that would have been difficult for many human beings. Eric, you are strong, you are kind and what makes you even more beautiful is that you want to bring your strength to as many as you can reach. My heart goes to you and yours. Jen xxxoooxxxooo
Posted by jiltaroo | September 14, 2012, 11:53Jen,
Thank you. It’s a traumatic event. Quite honestly, I still wish sometimes this whole thing could have been avoided, for all of us. But it’s not the case, and it did happen. There is still pain, but at least I made peace with it. One day at a time.
L’Éric
Posted by Le Clown | September 14, 2012, 12:03I still have both of my parents. They are close to 80. I don’t even know what to say Eric; it’s painful to think about and i’m sorry for that.
Posted by jiltaroo | September 14, 2012, 12:14Why did I have to miss THIS post — three days ago no less you wrote this one. I’ve seen your writing on your father’s suicide before. I’m inspired that you are so full of life and that you can share so honestly about this with perhaps the chance of helping someone else going through this. I’m sorry I stumbled on this three days later. I would like to give you a big hug.
Posted by Sword-chinned bitch | September 14, 2012, 14:57So you were a day late with the post–I was several days late with my response. Neither of those things detracts from the fact that this is a beautiful piece of work. In this world or the next, your old man is lucky to have a son like you.
Posted by Smaktakula | September 14, 2012, 22:59I love encountering other people who have suffered. Not because I revel in the failure and pain of others, but because I know that suffering is the gateway, probably the only gateway, to transformation. I’m glad you’ve made it to the other side with perspective, caring, and forgiveness. Those things take time, I’m just glad you arrived. Beautiful tribute to your father, yourself, and the lessons you’ve learned on the inner journey.
Posted by Laura | September 18, 2012, 11:33Laura,
Thanks for visiting, and reading this post. It took a very long time for me to start making peace with my father’s death, and subsequently, my father as a human being following his suicide. But with support, love, compassion, patience and openness, peace slowly surfaced, and an understanding and a respect for the man that was my father. And you are right, suffering had a great deal to do with the changes in me. Thank you kindly Laura, for your words.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 18, 2012, 11:51Reblogged this on asklotta and commented:
Dear Readers,
Please read and reread today’s Reblog from clownonfire.wordpress.com about his personal experience with suicide. What hit me between the eyes is the years and years of pain/guilt when someone else commits suicide. It is NOT the loss of one life but the loss of many (domino effect). Suicide can and is contagious as you will sadly come to understand from Le clown’s painful (honest) well written post. As a reminder, Cleveland’s Suicide Prevention Walk is Sunday, September 30.
Clownonfire.wordpress.com is a creative, artistic and mind expanding blog. “Please Pass Go” ASAP to begin your journey of mind expanding pleasures, for Le clown will never disappoint!…Promise!!!
Asklotta and staff will MIND YOUR BUSINESS today with the help of clownonfire.wordpress.com
Again, it has been my pleasure to tell you what to do and what NOT to do!
Kindest regards,
Asklotta
President and CEo
CBCorp
Posted by asklotta | September 21, 2012, 01:29I just found your post thru your link in Bloggers for Movember. I read this twice, its rare for me to read blogs about suicide. Your very brave.
Posted by artisticmilestone | October 8, 2012, 21:04Artistic Milestone,
I’m sorry for this late response. I am usually quite prompt with comments. Thank you for this one. I know it’s not an easy post, not an easy topic to write about, but it is one that is important to me. It means a great deal to me that it felt right to you.
L’Éric
Posted by Le Clown | October 10, 2012, 15:34While your blog is great fun, I prefer these sorts of posts, even though they’re full of pain from the past – they’re a balance.
I was thinking the other day that if I were to meet someone who wanted to take their life, I’d say – try, if you can, to imagine yourself as someone else, someone you love, feeling exactly the same way. Then talk them out of it. But of course, it’s not that easy. Human emotions aren’t.
I had a school friend who almost certainly killed herself (though the verdict was ‘accidental death’ I didn’t believe it as I knew her too well. She’d lived a horrible, painful life). And in my teens and occasionally in my twenties thought of it myself but I didn’t have the courage to take any action. I am glad about that, now.
I’m sorry you lost your dad, particularly to suicide.
Posted by Val | November 12, 2012, 12:30Val,
It is important to me to be able to write with different voices, as they fulfill different needs. Le Clown is indeed over-confident, and obnoxious, and it opens up so much possibilities, but blogging as myself, L’Éric, allows me to share things that are close to me. Thank you for seeing this, I appreciate your feedback on this. This post might tell you more: http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/evolution/
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | November 12, 2012, 13:09You’re an inspiration in the face of such tragedy. Glad to be introduced to you by Legionwriter.
Posted by Alarna Rose Gray | November 18, 2012, 19:27