How different is one’s life after not being Freshly Pressed? Well let me tell you:
- Prior to the email I have received from the WordPress people informing me that “today was not the day I would be Freshly Pressed“, A Clown on Fire averaged 340,58 views per day, for a total of 68,116 views.
- My post-”close but no cigar”-email stats will blow your mind off: in only 3 days, my daily views have increased by a mesmerizing 2.83!
- Other shattering facts: prior to the email, it was Sunday. It is now Friday.
- My weight seems to have stabilized at you’re too fat.
So what does one write when basking in the not being Freshly Pressed afterglow? A recipe for the best comfort food this side of the People Who Don’t Own Guns border:
The Poutine, or How To Eat Your Emotions Like A French Canadian Clown:
- $6.99 (plus tip and drinks);
- A nearby greasy spoon (to my American readers: you might have to find a restaurant that serves foreign food, like French fries and Chinese pineapple chicken).
- Work a full and productive 40-hour shift at your McJob;
- Get paid before getting fired;
- Celebrate your dead-end job with a heart-clogging Canadian poutine;
- Walk to the closest ATM, and withdraw $20 (to my American readers: try withdrawing money without being mugged, unless it’s from a clown with a French Canadian accent – if so, empty your bank account and give generously);
- Find a greasy spoon that is less than a 15-minute walk away (don’t you ever dare say I don’t think about you, my sedentary American friends);
- Order one large poutine (it’s pronounced pal·pi·ta·tions), a diet Coke (to balance things out), and 4 glasses of water (to wash down the 7412 grams of sodium);
- Eat, only if you’ve recently updated your Will, or have the stomach of a Canadian.
Next time on A Clown on Fire: The “Congratulations! You Have Not Been Freshly Pressed Today!” festivities continue… Le Clown grabs his Photoshop and document his trip down to SmallTown, Ontario, in an exciting photo travel bog. Here’s a scoop: