I, Speaker7, won some contest and now I am here. I believe I guessed the correct number of cakes in the urinal. Le Clown told me I could write whatever I wanted.
I’m joking. He said “Recap episode 6 of True Blood Season 4 or I will set you on fire.” He might not have said that last bit, but it was implied. Boy was it implied.
I love this show. . . oh wait, I don’t watch it. This might prove problematic.
I did catch the first two seasons so I do have some knowledge. This is what I know:
- There are vampires in it.
- And sex.
Let’s do this. The show jumps around a lot. One second a vampire will be doing some human and then the next second a human is doing some vampire. For the sake of my sanity, I’m going to focus on one storyline at a time.
Sookie/Eric/Bill storyline
Two people burst into a room with their tongues entwined and genitalia soon to follow. It is Sookie and Eric. Eric is a vampire. Did I mention this show has vampires? Eric is dressed like he’s going to play basketball at the playground so something seems off. And he’s kissing Sookie and she digs it so is this a dream?
No.
Okay already lost 4 seconds in, but at least there is the promise of doing it and this show is all about the doing of it.
And vampires.
Is this the greatest recap every written? (The correct answer is no, but the answer that will not make me cry is yes)
Bill bursts in all speeded-up-film-like, and a fangy fight breaks out between him and Eric. Eric’s about to stab Bill with a fireplace poker and Sookie shrieks “He’s your king!” Say what?
Bill’s a king? Like a Burger King?
Let’s just say yes. Bill has Eric arrested for cavorting with a necromancer. Maybe Eric sought out the ghost of Wilt Chamberlain, which would explain Eric’s outfit and need to boink. Sookie argues with Bill like an ex-girlfriend and Bill is all glowery.
Sookie insists she is not leaving without Eric and Bill threatens to have her arrested if she shows up on his property again. It reminds me of my dysfunctional downstairs neighbors from my apartment in college. They would call the cops on one another, engage in knife fights and argue about the bank robbers who moved into their one-bedroom apartment. Then they got a puppy.
Eric is in his underground prison and smells something dead. It’s Pam, his progeny. Pam is decomposing from something.
She reminds Eric, who is suffering from vampire amnesia, that he really hates Bill, but Eric wants nothing to do with his past and is ready to be punished. And the punishment will be severe. Bill has just secured a warrant for the true death.
Sookie gets fired and looks after her brother Jason for awhile. She spends a lot of the episode in the woods with a shotgun.
Bill is standing outside his house (palace?) and the bland Eric is brought before him. Eric says things like “Sookie still has feelings for you” and “Doesn’t the color blue make you feel sad?”
Eric is making it very difficult for Bill to drive a stake through his heart. Eric requests that Bill free Pam and tell Sookie “I wuv you 
“
But Eric gets the chance instead because Bill lets him go. He finds Sookie in the woods and they get to the outdoor love making.
Bill has sad face.
Sam/Tommy/Random Woman who resembles Kim Kardashian storyline
Sam Merlotte owns a house that just burned to the ground so he’s there to assess the damage. The tenant, his employee Arlene, blames the fire on the ghost of her serial-killing ex fiancé. Why not? Sam calls his brother Tommy and makes plans to run as animals during the full moon as one does with one’s brother. Tommy seems a little off and begins hitting himself in the face when he hangs up the phone. I feel you, dawg.
The head-punching transforms Tommy into Sam. Wha?
Tommy/Sam fires Sookie who’s calling off work to rescue her brain-damaged new vampire boyfriend, and Tommy/Sam’s all like “Again with this, bitch?” Tommy/Sam struts around Merlotte’s barking orders to his staff and sexually harassing his customers.
Later, the Kim Kardashian look alike shows up at Sam’s house and takes off her top. Tommy/Sam thinks this was definitely the right day to beat myself in the head and does some peen-sticking. After the doing of it, Tommy/Sam feels sick and orders Kim out.
Tommy/Sam returns back to Tommy form and pukes. Sam finds him passed out or dead in a big puddle of vomit.
Jason/Jessica storyline
Jason thinks he’s going to turn into a werepanther because his psycho ex-werepanther girlfriend bit him. He doesn’t.
Vampire Jessica shows up in the woods because she can sense his fear since he drank some of her blood. Just like my typical Saturday night.
Jessica is dating Jason’s best friend Hoyt, but you can tell they like each other by the way Jason stares at her chest.
The Who-the-fuck-are-you-people-with-the-exception-of-Tara-and-Lafayette storyline
There are lots and lots in this category, Le Clown fans. This is a big ol’ clusterfuck.
It’s best to just start punching yourself in the head and maybe you will shape-shift into someone who understands this episode.
Lafayette is at his boyfriend’s grandpappy’s place eating fried goat tongue. The boyfriend says they’re in danger. Yeah, no duh, look at what your boyfriend is eating. Grandpappy says he needs a sacrifice.
They wait in the field and a rattlesnake comes to them and offers them an apple. They say “Sure. Got to be better than goat tongue” and are immediately ashamed of their nakedness. Wait…I think I just confused this with Bible.
They bring the rattlesnake to the boyfriend’s crazy grandpappy. He says some mystical stuff and his face changes into a world wide wrestler’s.
The grandpappy gets the snake to bite his grandson and leaves him to Lafayette’s care. Lafayette’s like “The fuck?” But then he gets possessed by Bob from Twin Peaks. Bob literally dives down Lafayette’s mouth and it looks like the worst thing he’s ever eaten.
Lafayette speaks Spanish and cures his boyfriend. The boyfriend says “Tio Luca?” “Who the fuck is Tio Luca?” Lafayette asks. Thinking the same exact thing.
Tara is sleeping on a couch and is woken up by knocking. She grabs a gun from underneath the pillow and answers the door. It’s ??? and she’s all mad. She seems to strangle Tara with her hand then strangles Tara’s tongue with her own tongue. Tara’s a lesbian? Okay.
They go to Merlotte’s. Strangle woman wants Tara to go back to New Orleans. They start to make out and are interrupted by the newly-freed Pam and her decomposing face. Tara is somehow connected to it and Pam is pissed.
Random guy arrives home to encounter random woman and even randomer guy with unwashed stringy hair. They are werewolves? Sure. And something really important is going down, I guess. I will totally take your word for it stringy-haired guy.
Another random woman is lying on the floor and cutting into her arm and asking for spirit help. She has visions of an olden time woman being bitten and raped by a vampire.
Later olden time woman is being burned at the stake and uses her witchy powers to entice the vampires to come out into the sun and burn to death. I don’t understand why she doesn’t use her witchy powers to put out the fire consuming her.
Back to the present, and the olden time woman possesses the arm-cutting woman. Turns out arm-cutting woman is in a prison overseen by the same rapey vampire. Rapey vampire wants vengeance for the burnt vampires so he goes into her cell. But he is no match for her powers.
I swear if it didn’t cut back to Sookie and Eric making mud pies in the grass, I would have thought I was watching an entirely different show.
The end.
That was all one episode? I have never seen the show, so I have no frame of reference, but as much as I laughed, all I could think was, ‘How long is an episode of this freaking show?’ Apparently too long.
Nice one, though. You make even things I know nothing about hilarious.
Posted by Ruby Tuesday | August 23, 2012, 07:21What she ^^ said.
Posted by meizac | August 23, 2012, 07:58This is a show?
Oh wait…I watched it so I guess I can answer my own question. I’m not sure if it’s clear by the recap, but I was lost through most of it.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 08:31Okay. Fair enough.
Posted by Ruby Tuesday | August 23, 2012, 08:54It’s settled. From now on, Madame Weebles and Speaker7 blog here. You’ve been outdone, Clown Boy.
Posted by meizac | August 23, 2012, 07:59Meizac,
You’re so predictable. This being said, you will like what’s in store with these guest bloggers…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 08:06Le Clown,
Your “predictable” comment has made me sad (not really). And, I can’t wait (but I know I have to) for the return of Madame Weebles and Speaker 7.
Meizac
Posted by meizac | August 23, 2012, 08:13Heckler,
No need to be sad – acceptance would be the better emotion. As for Speaker 7 and Madame Weebles, only time and Le Clown will tell.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 08:15You’ve no idea, Le Clown, how happy you’ve just made me by addressing me as “Heckler.” I knew we’d win.
Meizac
Posted by meizac | August 23, 2012, 08:23Yes, but will the guest bloggers like what’s in store??
Posted by Madame Weebles | August 23, 2012, 10:41Madame Weebles,
You certainly did when you received a WordPress email with Le Clown and Freshly Pressed as topics.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 10:46True. I’m still on a crazy high from it.
Posted by Madame Weebles | August 23, 2012, 10:53Speaker 7,
You made Simple Eric from Season 4 slightly more interesting. My Carnies will thank you.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 08:12Bland Eric makes the band One Direction seem interesting.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 08:34Don’t cry. Is this the greatest recap ever written? -YES! I haven’t watched this show since season 2. I couldn’t handle it anymore because it jumps all over the place and there is way too much going on per episode.
I think this should be a regular column for you… but not too regular, because then you’d start to know what’s going on which would take away some of the fun. Hilarious!
Posted by shanz83 | August 23, 2012, 08:13Shanz,
This show went from entertaining trash to trash even ignored by hungry raccoon. Admittedly, there are some redeeming factors in season 5, like less smelly trash, but…
Le Clown
PS: Are you familiar with Speaker 7? She recaps only the most worthy pop culture phenomenons of our generation. Wait till she writes a recap of “A Clown on Fire”.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 08:26I am a trubie (i think that’s what they call people on watch true blood), a new one but a trubie no doubt and this is the best recap ever…thanks for the laughs
Posted by boomiebol | August 23, 2012, 08:18Thank you. So I did recap the right show? I swear I thought the TV switched to that Grimm show or Two and Half Men halfway through.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 08:36A public service, that’s what this post is, a freakin’ public service! I can now go on to muddle the brain cell I have left on other stuff. Le Clown, Speaker7: my heartfelt gratitude! xoM
Posted by Margarita | August 23, 2012, 08:33Margarita,
I can’t speak for Speaker 7, but it’s my pleasure… I am to please… myself.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 08:37And you succeed! A shining example to the rest of us. Merci! xoM
Posted by Margarita | August 23, 2012, 08:42Listen 7, you keep writing about books I don’t read and TV shows I don’t watch. But you do it in such a compelling way that I am catapulted back to Chemistry class, in which I sat for days/weeks/months/decades, listening and thinking “This shit has absolutely nothing to do with your life, except there are two or three brain cells that recognize that it is really important and someday your life might depend on this.” Except Chemistry didn’t make me laugh, and you don’t make me take exams (the paper kind), and they didn’t use as many puppets in Cemistry class. Other than that, it is exactly the same.
Posted by Life in the Boomer Lane | August 23, 2012, 08:39I think the main difference between my posts and chemistry is my posts are more important to the understanding of our world.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 09:17Speaker 7,
Amen to that – I’ve learned this expression in Catholic school, I use it everyday when I have nothing of substance to say, instead of choosing silence.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 09:25Le Clown,
Amen to that.
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 10:53If intelligence agencies had just played these shows over and over again to terrorists instead of water boarding them, we would have gotten a lot more information a lot sooner out of them.
Posted by Curmudgeon-at-Large | August 23, 2012, 08:53I don’t know. I think the terrorists would say anything to get out of watching this.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 09:18I can not stress the awesomeness of cliff notes. I no longer need to be confused by this show again.
Posted by daddyranman | August 23, 2012, 08:57Did you read my post?
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 09:18Ahhhhhhhh, finally a recrap I can sink my teeth into. This is pretty much how it goes in most episodes. I would love for you to recrap this season.
Posted by Michelle Gillies | August 23, 2012, 08:59I would request the true death first.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 09:19
Posted by Michelle Gillies | August 23, 2012, 10:06Hahahaha! A girl that looks like Kim Kardashian! LOL! That’s Papi from The L Word! I have no idea what the actress’ real name is. You should really consider recapping old episodes of the L Word. That would be fan-f’ing-tastic! You would lose your shit over some of the ridiculous storylines on that show! (BTW, that Kim Kardashian looking chick ends up being the ex to the stringy haired guy- like she would go for him!)
I’ve watched True Blood all the way through Season 4, but it is getting weirder by the moment. We watch it on Netflix, so it’s like a whole 6 months before we can see the next season.
Great job recapping!
Posted by thelesbiannextdoor | August 23, 2012, 10:19Ew. That is my reaction to Kim Kardashian with stringy man.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 10:55Ew indeed!
Posted by thelesbiannextdoor | August 23, 2012, 11:02Aside from the toast crumbs now lodged in my sinus cavities from snorting laughter, I cannot agree with the hammering (as it were) of Eric in this season. He was partially clothed during most of said season, which made me okay with him being as interesting as a bowl of cold tomato soup with soggy crackers floating on the surface.
Posted by Addie | August 23, 2012, 10:21His alabaster behind is pleasant enough, but I liked when he was evil.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 10:56It’s perfect when he’s evil and naked. Then, my life is pretty much a delight.
PS The Sookie line as uttered by Bill every week makes me want to stab myself in the face–jus’ sayin’.
Posted by Addie | August 23, 2012, 14:21I am just so relieved that you didn’t have Hugo and Goofy acting these out, speaker7. I’d have to report you.
Posted by Madame Weebles | August 23, 2012, 10:42I couldn’t anyway. They’re both on a heavy dose of antibiotics. You may have noticed I haven’t done a Fifty Shades post in awhile. It’s either that or I might have possibly thrown the book into the street and run over it a few times with a blowtorch.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 10:57Hard to blame you there. Poor Goofy and Hugo. You might try washing the antibiotics down with brain bleach.
Posted by aliceatwonderland | August 23, 2012, 14:31I don’t even need to watch the show now! Thank you. This is the best recap of anything, ever.
Posted by La La | August 23, 2012, 10:50La La,
Thanks. And thanks for the follow. But you might want to watch the show if you would like to know what this is about because I have even made myself confused by reading it.
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 10:59Le Clown,
I see little chalices in my notifications thingy when I’m used to seeing stars and cartoon bubbles. It tells me 10 people liked this (why is it not 1,000,000?). Does this mean I’ve won the World Cup? Please advise. Change scares me.
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 11:01Speaker 7,
WordPress thinks you’re pulling an Oscar Pistorius on my blog.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 11:19After seeing True Blood fresh from someone else’s perspective I now feel ashamed for my unabashed love of this show. I think it’s time to admit that it’s just because of all the hot people fucking and stop clinging to the belief that the story is in any way compelling.
Posted by rollergiraffe | August 23, 2012, 11:46Hot people fucking is compelling. Why do you think porn is so profitable? Not that I think porn stars are hot–with the exception of Ron Jeremy circa 2012.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 12:39Truth. And yes, ol’ Ron just keeps getting better with age. Nope, I couldn’t even joke about that without vomiting in my mouth a little bit.
Posted by rollergiraffe | August 23, 2012, 15:52If I told you that you summed it up perfectly, I’d be forced to admit I watch the show. And I can never, under any circumstances, do that.
Posted by Carrie Rubin | August 23, 2012, 11:49I will never tell anyone that you watch this as long as you never tell anyone I watched this episode.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 12:40Deal.
Posted by Carrie Rubin | August 23, 2012, 12:49<– doesn't watch the show)
Captivating summary nonetheless. ;0)
VW ♥
Posted by Veggiewitch | August 23, 2012, 12:22That makes two of us.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 12:41=0)
Posted by Veggiewitch | August 23, 2012, 13:12I must be way out of touch because I’ve not even heard of True Blood but I’ve never read 50 Shades of Grey either, but S.7, with your hilarious account of them, now I don’t need to. Not that I ever would.
Posted by Brigitte | August 23, 2012, 14:13Brigitte,
You are clearly on the correct path in life. Godspeed.
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 14:20I tried to watch the first season, and even then I was confused. How can they have that many characters? That’s a hella lot of boinking going on there. And there are werewolfs along with the vampires? I didn’t realize that. I’ve heard the show is a lot different from the books which I also have not read. So I guess I wouldn’t know. Huh. Maybe I’ll have to try it again.
Posted by aliceatwonderland | August 23, 2012, 14:27Yes the werewolves crept up sometime after season 2 because I don’t remember seeing them before. There are pretty much no regular humans at this point.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 17:04I’ve never seen the show so I found this post extremely helpful. I’ve also never had a colonoscopy. Any chance you take requests?
Sincerely,
The Lunchmeat Spambot
Posted by Love & Lunchmeat | August 23, 2012, 14:38Dear The Lunchmeat Spambot,
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.
Love,
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 17:05Brilliant…simply brilliant…and I do watch the show — but your take on it is so much more entertaining. I hereby am requesting in advance, a review of the final Twilight movie. I will PAY.
Posted by dockfam | August 23, 2012, 16:05Dockfam,
How much? Because I barely made it through the first movie and I know from personal experience the print version of Breaking Dawn is shitballs. Are we talking $5?
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 17:07I have not seen this show in at least three years. Thanks for helping me catch up on all I’ve missed. Now I’m going to eat Doritos, play a Supremes’ CD and punch myself in the head.
Posted by lameadventures | August 23, 2012, 16:25V,
Can I watch?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 16:35No, you can’t! I always make a fool out of myself when I listen to the Supremes.
Posted by lameadventures | August 23, 2012, 16:36Whatever you do, don’t hit yourself too many times and turn into Le Clown.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 17:07I keep my magnificence on a short leash.
Posted by lameadventures | August 23, 2012, 17:10Speaker 7,
I invite you to my home, I offer you my Carnies, and you turn on your housemate? You’ve been watching too much Bachelor Pad, methinks.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 23, 2012, 18:23Well that would explain my inebriation. . . and the herpes.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 18:27I’m as lost as speaker7, which kind of make sense since I saw about 7 episodes of series 1, period. Now I feel like watching it again. This episode, specifically!
Posted by workspousestory | August 23, 2012, 17:15Just to help you out, the show has vampires…and werewolves.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 20:04And sex, you forgot about sex.
Posted by workspousestory | August 24, 2012, 02:25I want to hear more about your fun downstairs neighbors in college….
Posted by asklotta | August 23, 2012, 17:50They were fantastic. At one point 11 people were living in that one-bedroom apartment. That’s when they decided to get the puppy. They would hold barbecues in our communal driveway making it impossible to park my car.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 20:05That was epic… and I suddenly want a lollypop. Hmm…
Posted by asoulwalker | August 23, 2012, 17:50It’s all the vampire/sucking that is making you crave that.
Posted by speaker7 | August 23, 2012, 20:06You are probably right.
Posted by asoulwalker | August 23, 2012, 20:55Le Clown, have you heard Crispin Glover’s song “Clowny Clown Clown”?
Posted by Dave | August 23, 2012, 21:13S7, I want to thank you. My friends have poked me about seeing this show since it came on air in Sweden, but I have refused to do it (because I’m a conservative bitch when it comes to TV-series). This blog post has confirmed all my preconceived notions and has also given me enough plot information to throw it back in their faces screaming “why do you watch this? Go read a book or something”. I’m forever grateful.
Posted by Sophy | August 24, 2012, 02:35Sophy,
I am so happy I could help. I may be confused about some of the plot, but you can definitely say something about vampires. And sex. That was definitely in the episode.
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | August 24, 2012, 20:27Wait. Wilt Chamberlain is dead? I’m lost.
Posted by becomingcliche | August 24, 2012, 08:50Wikipedia says so and it is never wrong. Except those times when it is.
Posted by speaker7 | August 24, 2012, 20:28well, well, well… speaker 7, you have outdone yourself, indeed! Can I get an AMEN!?!?!? My only discomfort came when I had to pause my reading and run out to get more PoisePads. And I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity, now, to throw out my TV, cancel my cable and move to Iceland… I love ice cubes, so that’s why I’m moving there. As long as I can get my culture from you and LeClown, I will be just fine!!! Brava!!!
You (and LeClown, by proxy) are the best… I’m only sad to say I had to find you through that evil portal FB!!!!
unentangled love,
buddhakat
Posted by BuddhaKat | August 24, 2012, 15:12Buddhakat,
Unentangled love is my favorite kind. I also recap Bachelor Pad 3 so you can now consider yourself a connoisseur of the finest culture.
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | August 24, 2012, 20:30Dear Speaker7,
“They wait in the field and a rattlesnake comes to them and gives them an apple”: excellent revision of the utopia problem. Very bleak, really very modern. Please can you do Paradise Lost now.
Love,
Owl
Posted by owl | August 24, 2012, 15:30Dear Owl,
Is Paradise Lost a reality show involving hot tubs that are poorly bubbled (hence the lost)? Because that’s kind of my thing…not poorly bubbled hot tubs, but reality shows. I cannot handle real literature.
love,
Speaker7
Posted by speaker7 | August 24, 2012, 20:33Okay, I’ve never seen this, but it looks creepy as shit. Why was that poor girl’s eyes bleeding? Does she have bad conjunctivitis? Gosh it looked scary. But aside from that, what you really need to do now is the Real Housewives of New York City. Because that is some scary shit. But I would love you to speaker 7 it. Use stuffed animals and everything. I would probably laugh my entire face off.
P.S. This was incredibly funny and I’d like you to be my best friend. Is that okay? Yes? Good. Let’s go shopping.
Posted by beckysaysthings | August 25, 2012, 04:36I think the stuffed animals would look to real to play the real housewives. Maybe canisters of Play-Doh would work better.
Posted by speaker7 | August 25, 2012, 07:47Woman, this sounded like an entire season of epic-ness.
Le Clown Forever, bitches!
(and Speaker7 too!)
Posted by Ritika Upadhyay At Le Blog | August 25, 2012, 09:45Thank you, but the episode was really more epic-not.
Posted by speaker7 | August 25, 2012, 10:54Haha! I’m glad I don’t watch that show. I fear my head might explode!
Posted by MissFourEyes | August 25, 2012, 10:51No, it would just slowly decompose.
Posted by speaker7 | August 25, 2012, 10:54I haven’t seen this show, though I have friends obsessed with it. Vampires, something, something, Speaker7 is the funniest blogger of all time, something, something, All Hail Speaker7, something, something, vampires. That’s what I understood here.
Posted by Angie Z. | August 25, 2012, 22:12