I, Speaker7, won some contest and now I am here. I believe I guessed the correct number of cakes in the urinal. Le Clown told me I could write whatever I wanted.
I’m joking. He said “Recap episode 6 of True Blood Season 4 or I will set you on fire.” He might not have said that last bit, but it was implied. Boy was it implied.
I love this show. . . oh wait, I don’t watch it. This might prove problematic.
I did catch the first two seasons so I do have some knowledge. This is what I know:
- There are vampires in it.
- And sex.
Let’s do this. The show jumps around a lot. One second a vampire will be doing some human and then the next second a human is doing some vampire. For the sake of my sanity, I’m going to focus on one storyline at a time.
Two people burst into a room with their tongues entwined and genitalia soon to follow. It is Sookie and Eric. Eric is a vampire. Did I mention this show has vampires? Eric is dressed like he’s going to play basketball at the playground so something seems off. And he’s kissing Sookie and she digs it so is this a dream?
Okay already lost 4 seconds in, but at least there is the promise of doing it and this show is all about the doing of it.
Is this the greatest recap every written? (The correct answer is no, but the answer that will not make me cry is yes)
Bill bursts in all speeded-up-film-like, and a fangy fight breaks out between him and Eric. Eric’s about to stab Bill with a fireplace poker and Sookie shrieks “He’s your king!” Say what?
Bill’s a king? Like a Burger King?
Let’s just say yes. Bill has Eric arrested for cavorting with a necromancer. Maybe Eric sought out the ghost of Wilt Chamberlain, which would explain Eric’s outfit and need to boink. Sookie argues with Bill like an ex-girlfriend and Bill is all glowery.
Sookie insists she is not leaving without Eric and Bill threatens to have her arrested if she shows up on his property again. It reminds me of my dysfunctional downstairs neighbors from my apartment in college. They would call the cops on one another, engage in knife fights and argue about the bank robbers who moved into their one-bedroom apartment. Then they got a puppy.
Eric is in his underground prison and smells something dead. It’s Pam, his progeny. Pam is decomposing from something.
She reminds Eric, who is suffering from vampire amnesia, that he really hates Bill, but Eric wants nothing to do with his past and is ready to be punished. And the punishment will be severe. Bill has just secured a warrant for the true death.
Sookie gets fired and looks after her brother Jason for awhile. She spends a lot of the episode in the woods with a shotgun.
Bill is standing outside his house (palace?) and the bland Eric is brought before him. Eric says things like “Sookie still has feelings for you” and “Doesn’t the color blue make you feel sad?”
Eric is making it very difficult for Bill to drive a stake through his heart. Eric requests that Bill free Pam and tell Sookie “I wuv you “
But Eric gets the chance instead because Bill lets him go. He finds Sookie in the woods and they get to the outdoor love making.
Bill has sad face.
Sam/Tommy/Random Woman who resembles Kim Kardashian storyline
Sam Merlotte owns a house that just burned to the ground so he’s there to assess the damage. The tenant, his employee Arlene, blames the fire on the ghost of her serial-killing ex fiancé. Why not? Sam calls his brother Tommy and makes plans to run as animals during the full moon as one does with one’s brother. Tommy seems a little off and begins hitting himself in the face when he hangs up the phone. I feel you, dawg.
The head-punching transforms Tommy into Sam. Wha?
Tommy/Sam fires Sookie who’s calling off work to rescue her brain-damaged new vampire boyfriend, and Tommy/Sam’s all like “Again with this, bitch?” Tommy/Sam struts around Merlotte’s barking orders to his staff and sexually harassing his customers.
Later, the Kim Kardashian look alike shows up at Sam’s house and takes off her top. Tommy/Sam thinks this was definitely the right day to beat myself in the head and does some peen-sticking. After the doing of it, Tommy/Sam feels sick and orders Kim out.
Tommy/Sam returns back to Tommy form and pukes. Sam finds him passed out or dead in a big puddle of vomit.
Jason thinks he’s going to turn into a werepanther because his psycho ex-werepanther girlfriend bit him. He doesn’t.
Vampire Jessica shows up in the woods because she can sense his fear since he drank some of her blood. Just like my typical Saturday night.
Jessica is dating Jason’s best friend Hoyt, but you can tell they like each other by the way Jason stares at her chest.
The Who-the-fuck-are-you-people-with-the-exception-of-Tara-and-Lafayette storyline
There are lots and lots in this category, Le Clown fans. This is a big ol’ clusterfuck.
It’s best to just start punching yourself in the head and maybe you will shape-shift into someone who understands this episode.
Lafayette is at his boyfriend’s grandpappy’s place eating fried goat tongue. The boyfriend says they’re in danger. Yeah, no duh, look at what your boyfriend is eating. Grandpappy says he needs a sacrifice.
They wait in the field and a rattlesnake comes to them and offers them an apple. They say “Sure. Got to be better than goat tongue” and are immediately ashamed of their nakedness. Wait…I think I just confused this with Bible.
They bring the rattlesnake to the boyfriend’s crazy grandpappy. He says some mystical stuff and his face changes into a world wide wrestler’s.
The grandpappy gets the snake to bite his grandson and leaves him to Lafayette’s care. Lafayette’s like “The fuck?” But then he gets possessed by Bob from Twin Peaks. Bob literally dives down Lafayette’s mouth and it looks like the worst thing he’s ever eaten.
Lafayette speaks Spanish and cures his boyfriend. The boyfriend says “Tio Luca?” “Who the fuck is Tio Luca?” Lafayette asks. Thinking the same exact thing.
Tara is sleeping on a couch and is woken up by knocking. She grabs a gun from underneath the pillow and answers the door. It’s ??? and she’s all mad. She seems to strangle Tara with her hand then strangles Tara’s tongue with her own tongue. Tara’s a lesbian? Okay.
They go to Merlotte’s. Strangle woman wants Tara to go back to New Orleans. They start to make out and are interrupted by the newly-freed Pam and her decomposing face. Tara is somehow connected to it and Pam is pissed.
Random guy arrives home to encounter random woman and even randomer guy with unwashed stringy hair. They are werewolves? Sure. And something really important is going down, I guess. I will totally take your word for it stringy-haired guy.
Another random woman is lying on the floor and cutting into her arm and asking for spirit help. She has visions of an olden time woman being bitten and raped by a vampire.
Later olden time woman is being burned at the stake and uses her witchy powers to entice the vampires to come out into the sun and burn to death. I don’t understand why she doesn’t use her witchy powers to put out the fire consuming her.
Back to the present, and the olden time woman possesses the arm-cutting woman. Turns out arm-cutting woman is in a prison overseen by the same rapey vampire. Rapey vampire wants vengeance for the burnt vampires so he goes into her cell. But he is no match for her powers.
I swear if it didn’t cut back to Sookie and Eric making mud pies in the grass, I would have thought I was watching an entirely different show.