Dear WordPress People:
You guys spend a lot of time searching blogs for posts to be Freshly Pressed. That’s a lot of work. So I’m going to save you some trouble right now. DO NOT FRESHLY PRESS LE CLOWN. EVER.
For starters, he refers to himself in the third person. That’s a clear indication that he’s out of his fucking mind. And he calls himself “Le Clown.” Clowns are scary and deranged. Everyone knows that. You know Pennywise, the clown in Stephen King’s It? Picture Pennywise, but more evil and with a perverted fetish for smoking. That’s Le Clown. Do you want to subject millions of bloggers to this filth? I didn’t think so.
Also, he’s rude and he swears like a crystal meth tweaker. He even invited his readers to Eat Shit. And he taunts people with his blatant disregard for White Baby Jesus. I mean, seriously, who does that?? Scumbags, that’s who.
As a proud citizen of the United States, I should be offended by Le Clown’s anti-American
rhetoric bullshit. But I’m not, because it’s not his fault; he’s just French-Canadian and won’t ever know any better. It’s like expecting a sociopath to have empathy. It’s not going to happen. But if you make the grave mistake of Freshly Pressing him, he’ll have a worldwide audience for his inane diatribes whining. I implore you: don’t enable him.
Also, he’s a fucking hypocrite. He talks a good game about caring for the environment and doing things that are healthy for his kids, shit like that. Look at this smug prick, breast-feeding his sock monkey in public. And here he is again, being all high and mighty about breast-feeding, on the cover of TIME Fucking Magazine. But what they didn’t mention in that TIME article was that he eats nothing but poutine. How is that healthy for a growing sock monkey, ingesting all that second-hand cholesterol? I’m onto you, Clown Boy, and I’ve reported you. Expect a visit from the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Knitted Primates (CSPCKP). They’ll set you straight, you sick, twisted freak.
I’ll be honest, I don’t have a problem with the fact that he’s Canadian. I do, however, have a huge problem with the fact that he’s Canadian and doesn’t like Rush, Canada’s greatest treasure. I’ve already contacted the Minister of Citizenship and Immigration, who thanked me for bringing this appalling matter to his attention. They’ll be sending Le Clown into exile shortly—he’ll be stranded on an ice floe with that other national disgrace, Nickelback. So if you should find yourself on a cruise off the Canadian coast and you see a guy with a big red nose reeling from hearing his floemates play “How You Remind Me” for the 8,351,067th time, feel free to point at him and laugh.
Oh, one other thing. Some of his faithful readers refer to his blog as a “Vag Fest” because about 98% of his followers are female. It’s no coincidence. He admitted to me that when he looks for other interesting bloggers, he calls it “trawling for vag.” He doesn’t even read the posts—they could be written in Lithuanian for all he knows. He just looks for the female names and mindlessly hits “Like” and “Follow.” This is not the behavior of an upstanding member of the blogging community.
So please, WP people, listen to me. Do NOT Freshly Press Le Clown. If you do, I take no responsibility for the global corruption that will surely follow.
Love, Madame Weebles