It was this Do Make Say Think song that played when I began writing this post. Listen to it while you read – it might [somewhat] convey the peaceful mood I was in at the time. They’re also Canadian.
Everything I own and know, I brought along to Nova Scotia – overpacked suitcases of underwear to years of accumulated baggage - no monster was left behind in my Montreal apartment’s closet.
There is no backspace / delete / enter when writing a post on a paper notebook; I’m QWERTY savvy but I can’t hold a BIC ballpoint pen straight. There’s a black cat basking in the sun, there’s my wife reading a magazine, there’s the St. Mary’s River Lodge owner entertaining a guest. No one seems to mind the sound of the ballpoint scribbling funny-looking words on this sheet, no matter how hard I press down on the pen, no matter how fast I write. Picture a Merchant-Ivory film. Remove the English countryside. Remove the fog. Remove the stuffy accents. Remove the uncomfortable clothing. Remove Anthony Hopkins… That’s me on the production set.
Josh
There are two family houses at the top of Third Street. One of the Victorian homes has been converted into flats. Lodging is affordable in Sherbrooke, Nova Scotia; rent is cheaper than any Montreal subsidized housing program. Before settling down in Sherbrooke, Josh – one of the tenants – travelled across Canada, playing the drums. Josh told us about his trips to Montreal, about the Tam Tams, and his short stay where the “Hasidic Jews live“. He came back to Sherbrooke one day, found his own place - made it his home - and decided he was going to play the drums for himself. Josh’s beard has been growing for the past eight years. He’s also been collecting rocks and enjoying evenings on St. Mary’s River Lodge‘s porch with his friend Andy. Look into Josh’s piercing blue eyes and you might wish you were as elated as he seems to be.
Kurt
Kurt admits that slowing down to the Nova Scotia pace took some adjustments. “I used to have road rage… I didn’t even know I had road rage. After we moved from Calgary, I started taking quick walks with Sergeant, my German Shepherd… I added ten minutes to the trek… then another one… until I could slowly walk around the lake”. While I indulged on a London Fog at the Village Coffee Grind – which Kurt owns - I met Richard, who told us about a whale who washed up on Port Hilford’s beach; Rhonda, the semi-retired coffee clerk who’ll assert that “you don’t choose your family”; Ursula who’s been meaning to tell me all week that she’s enjoyed bumping into me as “you’re always smiling… so very happy.” …Or so it seems.
The ballpoint couldn’t roll fast enough when I penned, “I don’t enjoy my work anymore”… there is no backspace / delete on this one. I’d rather stop homestaging my headspace to showcase a brand – my creative juices have fuelled enough profitable campaigns as it is. Saying your final goodbye to a loved one will do this to you: layers of thoughts will fluctuate – good luck making sense of them. What I do know is that some monsters will stay behind in lovely Sherbrooke - we’ve packed lighter for the trip back to Montreal. Our souls are pondering the Nova Scotia makeover: straying away from the fast lane… career shifts… My BIC ballpoint pen traces one big question mark.
Before we parted, we visited Grammie Aleah one last time: “It’s your turn to take care of my family”, she told me. She’s a wonderful woman, that Aleah… She knew exactly what she was doing. She kissed me goodbye, and I left – sad, yet heartened. Thank you, Aleah.
ADDENDUM: A heartfelt thank you to the Schupbach family – Gabou, Andy, Ursula and Fred for your hospitality and friendship. You have made our stay at the St. Mary’s River Lodge one that we will remember.
All pictures by The Ringmistress.
I think this may be the most beautiful post you have ever written. And you made me cry, which isn’t hard lately, but still. Asshole.
I’m so glad for whom and what you found, and all that you left behind.
Posted by Ruby Tuesday | August 13, 2012, 07:09Ruby,
Thank you. It took me a few days to write this post, which is uncommon for me. I’m glad you enjoyed this one, it’s a meaningful one for me.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 07:34I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, pen to paper is a beautiful union. I’m glad you’re back. We missed you.
Posted by Fish Out of Water | August 13, 2012, 07:13Fish,
Having no computer, and little access to the internet was a blessing in disguise. My handwriting is god-awful, but I’m quite pleased with the essence of this post, and I owe it all to a ballpoint pen.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 07:39Isn’t it fascinating how different your writing can be on pen and paper? It’s still you, but it sometimes seems and feels strange and foreign… but not in a bad way.
Posted by asoulwalker | August 13, 2012, 17:05Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. That Bic serves you well, Le Clown.
I am so glad that you were able to make the trip and say your final goodbye to this lovely lady. What tender parting words she had for you.
And what is life without one big question mark, ever looming? It does keep things interesting.
Posted by Robin Jean Marie | August 13, 2012, 07:43Robin,
What a beautiful and loving woman she is. And you are right about the question marks… Thanks for reading, Robin, as always.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 07:55That is the perfect music to (write/)read this post to. Thank you. So glad you’re all back, and a little self-discovery is never a bad thing.
Posted by meizac | August 13, 2012, 07:45Meizac,
Thanks for listening to DMST… And they are Canadian, too! It was a wonderful trip, even under the circumstances.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 07:53“I don’t enjoy my work anymore.”
Completely get that sentiment.
Posted by speaker7 | August 13, 2012, 08:34Speaker7,
And not just a bad itch, you know what I mean? It’s more like an open gash, with stinky puss coming out. But it looks pretty on me, nonetheless.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 08:47Le Clown, you made just the right amount of sense with all those layers of thought whirling around in your head. That’s difficult to do. This post is like a beautiful Indy film with that music, the introductions to people you met and of course saying goodbye to someone near and dear. You’ve composed a lovely post on every level.
Oh yeah, and you’ve been missed.
Posted by a gripping life | August 13, 2012, 08:35Grippy,
I think you’re one of the few bloggers whom I know reads every post she comments on. Always thoughtful. It’s good to be back, and I’m looking forward to reading you again.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 08:39I just got back from Portland, Oregon, and while I didn’t have the same depth of connection to the place, yeah, I agree with thoughts of converting to the slower life.
A feeling I get whenever we visit smaller cities/towns…
Posted by El Guapo | August 13, 2012, 08:54Guapa,
As you see, I borrowed your idea of adding a song to a post… What a nice way to add a soundtrack to words.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 08:55Guapa,
Portland… Isn’t this where Jen Tonic lives?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 08:56It was a good tune – perfect complement to the post.
I didn’t know that’s where J&T lives. I’ll have to remember that if I go back…
Posted by El Guapo | August 13, 2012, 08:59Portland is where I live and long to get away from most days. I guess I should recognize and enjoy how good we have it here.
Posted by Human In Recovery | August 13, 2012, 11:21I’m in NYC and know exactly how you feel, Human.
Posted by El Guapo | August 13, 2012, 11:27Wow. Just wow. That was beautiful. The words, the music, the people, everything
Posted by MissFourEyes | August 13, 2012, 08:56Miss Four Eyes,
Thank you. It was an inspiring trip, and I feel very close to the people I have met, and saw once again.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 09:23Le Clown, this may very well be my favorite post of yours! Loved this. For some reason, the song isn’t coming up for me! But I understand exactly what you’re saying and though, it must have been a sad time for you and your family , it seems as if you’ve gained a “new” understanding about some things — ?
This sentence you wrote: My BIC ballpoint pen traces one big question mark.
That’s beautiful. Poetic, writerly kind of beautiful. You were missed and this was so great reading about the people you met, the lives you touched and the way they touched yours. Wonderful, friend. Welcome back.
Posted by Brigitte | August 13, 2012, 09:16Brigitte,
If you ever want to listen to the song, here it is:
It was a much longer writing process for me. As it was written in 3 days, I can feel the many moods I have lived, which is interesting to me. I’m proud of this post, because of what it means to me, what NS means to me…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 09:28Le Clown,
If I may say this post ripped away the layers and let the “you” shine through. I think it’s necessary we disengage at times so we can re-engage into what truly matters in life.
You have done that..life is very brief, live it FULLY like Josh & Kurt
Welcome back my friend,
Le Penny
Posted by free penny press | August 13, 2012, 09:20Lynne,
There is a lot of Eric in this Le Clown’s post. It’s good to be back, and I know I brought a bit of Josh and Kurt and Grammie Lomas with me…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 09:30La vie est belle!!
Posted by free penny press | August 13, 2012, 09:34Do Make Say Think,
Pen,
Paper,
The eyes of the Ringmistress,
Le Clown’ s thoughts.
Beauty and strength. Perfect.
Posted by drawandshoot | August 13, 2012, 09:33Karen,
Merci, l’amie.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 10:08Your handwriting may be god-awful, but I’m glad you could read it well enough to type it up into this post. Beautiful.
Posted by jmlindy422 | August 13, 2012, 09:41Janice,
It took some time to get used to the pen, and it took some time to QWERTY the post. I’m glad I did.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 10:17What a special time. Thank you for sharing from your heart. Oft times a slower pace in a quiet place creates the space for clarity. And no room for backspace/delete. Thank you for a beautiful and poignant post, Le Clown.
Posted by Cathy Ulrich | August 13, 2012, 09:48Cathy,
The more I read you, the more I like you. And I did drink enough coffee before writing this. Thank you, this was one of my favourite posts to write.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 10:38Fnal goodbyes and soul searching.. tender post Le Clown. Thank you for sharing the softer side.
Be well and welcome back
A
Posted by unfetteredbs | August 13, 2012, 09:59A,
I’m at peace with this post – seems appropriate, no?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 10:42yes dear sir it is appropriate. My heart is heavy for you though
Posted by unfetteredbs | August 13, 2012, 10:43Tender is the night.
Here comes the sun.
Posted by jotsfromasmallapt | August 13, 2012, 10:10Jot,
It’s good to see you again. I have so much catching up to do…
F. Scott Fitzgerald meets George Harrison?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 10:19Yes! Fitz & Geo. said it best. Concise. To the point. At heart: seemed appropriate to wish you, Sweet-Tea #1, and your Sweet-Teas on safe journeys for your next adventure(s). Remember…Chin up Little Buckaroos…
Smile here.
XXOOJOTS
Posted by jotsfromasmallapt | August 13, 2012, 10:31I don’t know whether to address this comment to Le Clown or L’Eric. So whoever’s around, one or the other or an amalgamation of the two (and isn’t that usually the case, really?) beautiful post. This line:
“I’d rather stop homestaging my headspace to showcase a brand – my creative juices have fuelled enough profitable campaigns as it is”,
is poetry. If I were in school I’d write it on the back of my notebook. Thank you for starting my morning (week?) off right. I’m obvs glad you’re back.
Posted by The Waiting | August 13, 2012, 10:55Emily,
The comments are taking me by surprise. In a good way. I’m very happy to be back, and I am so very happy you enjoyed this post. It started as a Le Clown post and quickly turned into an Eric post… Touché.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 11:12Poignant. It sounds like your getaway from the stress and chaos of city-life impacted you on an existential level . I agree with Grippy, this post does have an indie film quality, but one made by a filmmaker who knows what he or she is doing with a camera, and that song is — as this French Canadian guy I know might say in his mother tongue — magnifique. When I write by hand, as I do to jot notes every day in a battered Moleskine notebook I carry with me everywhere, it’s ALWAYS with a black, clear barreled Bic. It cost 19 cents when I was a kid. I’ve been writing with that pen for over 40 years (since kid-hood) plus losing them is not a crisis; I just grab another. It was introduced in 1953 and it’s French, but that crumb of its history I’m sure you knew. But sometimes a pen and a notebook is all you need to collect your thoughts. Glad you carried that pen.
Posted by lameadventures | August 13, 2012, 11:03V,
I don’t know what to answer to this. Like Grippy, I get the feeling you read all the posts you comment on (I do to), and your replies are
alwaysoften well thought of… Funny enough, it was indeed a BIC black ballpoint that was used to write this post…Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 11:08Stick with Bic when you’re feeling the urge to reflect. I write my notes better by hand even though I crank out my posts sitting at my Mac. I think if you don’t read the post you comment on, that’s a disservice to the writer and definitely not magnificent.
Posted by lameadventures | August 13, 2012, 11:22V,
Agreed on all levels. Stop being right.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 11:23Hey! I’m left!
Posted by lameadventures | August 13, 2012, 11:25V,
You need to get your ass to Montreal.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 11:26I know. I’ve never been out of the lower 48. Tragic or if you prefer, c’est tragique. One day … maybe.
Posted by lameadventures | August 13, 2012, 11:29Wonderful wonderful post. Your Montreal speed comes through in the first paragraph and then slows down to a Sherbrooke cadence in the rest of the post. I can feel the tension ease. Glad you’re back! I’m looking forward to reading what comes next.
Posted by dinnerversions | August 13, 2012, 11:07Lisa,
It’s an accurate comment. When I first started writing it, I had a different idea for the post, and I even used the “humour” and “humor” tags, which I should remove, I guess. It’s always a pleasure to read you.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 11:20Wow. A sincere, heartfelt Le Clown is a wonderful writer. Pen and paper are a good match.
Posted by calahan | August 13, 2012, 11:22Le Calahan,
Thank you, it means a great deal coming from you. No snark comment here.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 11:27Believe it or not, I actually read this post. It might be the first time I’ve read one of your posts fully. Good thing it was such a great post, otherwise I would have wasted my time.
This was indeed a beautiful, about a life-altering event in more ways than one. Saying goodbye to a beloved family member is a terrible thing, but it sounds like it was a very comforting and reassuring farewell in a way, which is as much as one can ask for. And you got a big wake-up call in the process, about what’s important and what’s not so important. That’s a huge gift. Not everyone gets that, or if they do, not everyone is wise enough to understand that it means something needs to change. You just need to set up your own little piece of Nova Scotia in Montreal. It can be done.
Posted by Madame Weebles | August 13, 2012, 11:24Madame Weebles,
I am blessed to have finally been read by your Magnificence. I’m happy with this post. As some have pointed out, it’s definitely more of an Eric post than a Le Clown’s… That bastard will come back with a vengeance, I see it coming…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 16:38Le Clown,
It’s not too often that I read a post and connect on this level. Thank you for sharing yet another side of yourself! Although I am a fairly new reader, I consider myself a loyal carny. I get it.
Welcome back,
A&A
Posted by ardent and awkward in austin | August 13, 2012, 11:57A&A,
You are a full fledged Carnie, A&A. As a matter of fact, I’m about to go crazy on your own blog, and catch up with what I have been missing. I’m happy I have also hit a chord with you.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 14:21Reading this gave me a peaceful feeling. Perhaps you were influenced by the spirit of Grammie and Nova Scotia. I loved reading this. I could have read more. Your experience there was skillfully conveyed. Your observances made for some great character sketches. Eric, this is a side I haven’t seen from you. Perhaps moving there would work. Wishing all the best for Grammie Aleah. Take care and welcome back.
Posted by Sword-chinned bitch | August 13, 2012, 12:52Auntie Sandee,
It’s good to be back… Somewhat. Actually, I think I’m still only half way back… There were some great peeps in NS. I was lucky to share some of my time with them.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 16:32Ringmistress takes awesome photos! But the shocking knowledge that Canadians pluralize “underwear” by adding an “S” shocks me to my core. Don’t you see how very wrong that is?
Posted by Smaktakula | August 13, 2012, 13:49Smak,
Thanks my man! That was a typo, and it is now corrected!
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 14:19Lovely post. You took us all right there with you. Thanks for the journey. (But next time, please provide snacks. We Americans don’t like to go long without eating.)
Oh, come on, I had to stick in a joke. We all need our defenses against the serious.
Posted by Carrie Rubin | August 13, 2012, 13:50Carrie,
Speaking of food… The fish n’ chips in Nova Scotia… I had four different servings in only one week… When in Rome, right?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 14:18Then you should be all caught up on your omega-3. Good for you.
Posted by Carrie Rubin | August 13, 2012, 15:09Sweet and poignant post Le Clown. My parents and beloved uncle are in their 90s. I am on the cusp of what you are going through and your words spoke to me. I’m sorry for your sorrow but happy you are finding peace. Stay strong and welcome back.
Posted by robincoyle | August 13, 2012, 13:54Robin,
I’m sorry to read about your loved ones… I’m glad you connected to these words (it’s taking me everything to not let Le Clown go full blown here). I’m happy to be back, and I’m looking forward to the next few weeks…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 14:24If you were to “go full blown here,” what would it sound like? I’d like to hear it so I know the old Le Clown is truly back.
Funny thing is (well, not funny at all), my mom is super healthy but her mind is failing. My uncle’s body is failing but his mind is as sharp as ever.
Posted by robincoyle | August 13, 2012, 14:35I am glad that you well and truly got to say goodbye to Grammie Aleah. How bittersweet to know that you are the caretaker of her family now.
I don’t know whether it’s the magic of Nova Scotia or just the forced break from reality, but it seems as though you are slowed down. It’s always good to switch gears and I hope that you can find a way to maintain that pace. I know you can.
Posted by rollergiraffe | August 13, 2012, 15:34Roller Giraffe,
She is all love, Grammie Aleah. It was a nice thing to say. Fortunately, her kids, and grandkids are all cut from her fine cloth. Her family is a strong one.
Thank you for the vote of confidence, RG. And did I say I loved your writing? I did? I’m an old and senile clown, sorry…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 16:36While reading this, I felt like I was privileged to have a sneak peek into someone’s Secret Journal entry. I could envision this on a Black leatherbound parchment journal and reading stories of Josh and Kurt. And how you had some sort of breakthrough of the direction and meaning of your life. I could hear the crinkle of the parchment that I imagined in my head you wrote this on as I turned each page in anticipation.
Then I realized….”I am so lucky this post is for the world to see!’ It is not some hidden little secret and we are all so lucky to be able to read it. It was so beautifully written and really struck a chord with me. I have read every one of your posts, and this by far has to be my favorite.
Thanks so much for sharing!!
Posted by A Dog With Fleas | August 13, 2012, 16:10Rachel,
What an amazing comment! Like so many others on this post, I just don’t know what to say… I’m glad it hit close to home, and you’ve found something in it. In itself it’s a reward. Thanks!
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 13, 2012, 16:25Missed you. Thanks for inspiring me to write things down on paper (and making me whimper like an idiot).
Posted by La La | August 13, 2012, 16:43La La,
Man, dude (read it as woman, dudette), the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive, I just don’t know what to say. Reading you, however, is always a pleasure. I always look forward to the LA LA notification…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | August 13, 2012, 18:58Le Clown
Heart of Yours …..
Wow
speechless
music
you made a short film there that could last hours and hours in the imagination
Most definitely my Favourite of Yours !
Chills down my spine
Happy and sad
Thank You for sharing
Your heart on a Page .
and Yes The Music
was part of the reading journey
you took me on .
Canadian Friend Le Clown
Please always always follow Your heart !
Look what happens !
Beauty and Hope !
Cat xx
Posted by Cat Forsley | August 13, 2012, 18:50I love, love LOVE this post. This is why I travel. To meet people and gain insight into their lives and discover new places, but also to gain insight into oneself. Pure poetry, Le Clown!
Posted by travellingmo | August 13, 2012, 22:16Darling, So into this post, That right there is why I follow your blog. And that right there is why people watching my all-time favorite pass-times, Hugs, and Gratitude for your safe return with your family. Best~
Posted by kzackuslheureux | August 13, 2012, 22:25You have thrust your hand straight into Ape’s chest and fiddled with his soul giblets. I think we all seek our own Nova Scotia but often find ourselves lacking in courage to take that step and make the change in lifestyle that we so crave.
Posted by Ape No. 1 | August 14, 2012, 07:50Le Clown,
Just lovely.
TWTG
Posted by thewhitetrashgourmet | August 14, 2012, 14:15Le Clown,
A perfect pairing of music and writing to de-clutter and alter into a relaxed state of mind…another meaningful coincidence, Thank you!
Posted by asklotta | August 14, 2012, 17:25