It started with Bugsy, or at least, it is the oldest memory I have of being moved by a woman smoking a cigarette. There was nothing overtly sexual about Annette Bening smoking, but somehow, the image haunted me, for days and weeks to come. A year later came the Guns N’ Roses’ November Rain video, and a smoking Stephanie Seymour. In the old days, you couldn’t google shit like “why the fuck is a woman smoking a cigarette bothering me”… Best thing to do was to videotape November Rain and play it. On repeat.
“…And it’s hard to hold a cigarette candle in the cold November rain”. (from Le Google)
Around the same time, I met J. She was a fellow lifeguard, an Art History student, and a smoker. We had supper one night, moved in together, and shared our lives for a little over three years. One night, we’re having a party. Everyone is smoking but me – Le Clown doesn’t do cigarettes. The next morning, J tells me: “You had a dumb look on your face while I was smoking last night, I think you might have a smoking fetish” [In my defense, I remember looking magnificent, and when I glanced over J's way, I showed her my best, ravishing smile]. So it had a name, and it wasn’t the title of a G N’ R song…
It’s a terrible reference, but it’s only when I started watching Criminal Minds that I realized that my smoking fetish [aka capnolagnia] could be profiled. I have friends who can tell you in which movie such an actress can be seen naked [I use "friends" very loosely - they are more like third cousins of a neighbour, in Burkina Faso]… I can tell you in which movies you will see any actress smoke, even the ones I snub, like the Julia Roberts of this world. It took me years, and two seasons of Criminal Minds [with Mandy Patinkin thank you] - to understand how specific a fetish can be. My unsub reads as follow:
Monica Bellucci
- Real smokers only, fakers never made the cut;
- Just cigarettes, and not the long and thin ones;
- No cigars; no joints, no pipes;
- No American or French cigarettes;
- No smoke rings;
- Only brown filter cigarettes will titillate the fetish;
- No menthol cigarettes – just the god-awful smell of 100% cancerous tobacco;
- If an ashtray is used, it must be empty and clean;
- When lit, a lighter must be used – no matches.
With the years, the fetish got more specific: everything pertaining to inhaling and exhaling - from the pace of a drag to the density of the smoke exhaled – certain brands of cigarettes were preferred, and when it comes to smokers, Le Clown has been known to appreciate the neurotic beauties of Maggie Gyllenhaal, Catherine Keener and Rebecca Hall (to use celebrities as examples) over the wholesome grace of Gwyneth Paltrow.
I’ve essentially dated smokers, and when I didn’t, I have regretted it. When my son’s mother and I separated and I decided to date again, I opted for the online route. I completed my profile and made it clear: “Magnificent Le Clown is looking for someone as magnificent, and preferably a smoker (or ex-smoker)”. I was exclusively browsing at (ex)smokers’ profiles when I met The Ringmistress. Interesting, wouldn’t you say? Being a smoker was more important than being kind and generous – which is overrated anyway.
I am a non-smoker, and a woman smoking (or anyone else) in a day-to-day context will do nothing to Le Clown… It’s even a habit I have found to be foul. However, when all the specifics meet, I’ll be mesmerized, and enthralled by a single cigarette. Why? Is it the bad girl / good girl dichotomy? Is it because seeing a woman exhale gives me a visual of her essence? Come on, Freud… Tell me!
This is where I need to mention how you’ve given new meaning to the phrase “smoking hot.” I forgot to say it my original comment but I needed to get it out of my system. Thank you.
Posted by Madame Weebles | July 31, 2012, 21:32Hmmmmm
Not quite sure what else to say.
I think I had a slight preference for smokers (but NOT heavy smokers, the ones you can smell before you can actually see them) in my late teens but now it quite the turn off, just like you say…
Posted by SummerSolsticeGirl | July 31, 2012, 22:23SSG,
A fetish is a very personal experience. And often enough, the intricacies behind the fetish are as interesting as the fetish itself.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 1, 2012, 13:34Sadly, all my smoke just smells like sulphur and brimstone.
Posted by Eva Halloween | August 1, 2012, 01:09Eva,
An acquired taste, I’m sure.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 1, 2012, 13:36I think the image most often portrayed (or at least the one that remains in our minds) of female smokers in movies is as being strong sexually dominant women with an edge. When I was a smoker I can recall using its’ sexual symbolism to lure my prey.
Posted by Phoenix | August 1, 2012, 16:35Phoenix,
There’s something behind certain smokers that convey self-confidence, and dominance. Something Le Clown finds alluring.
You bring something fresh to the discussion. On the same token, I guess it must be similar for those who have a school girl fetish (and I am not referring to paedophiles, but genuine sexual attraction to the look): an attraction for innocence, and perhaps in this case, of being the dominant one. I’m just guessing of course, and wouldn’t want to insult these fetishists.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 1, 2012, 16:41Is a fluid zippo flip open lighter acceptable?
Posted by John the Aussie | August 2, 2012, 05:35John,
A zippo lighter will up your street creds; therefore, yes.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 2, 2012, 07:30Le Clown,
Love the list! And how you me the Ring Mistress. Cute story. You two are the handsomest, funniest couple I’ve seen in a while! On another note, I’ve had dudes have fetishes on “disabled girls”. It creeped me out to be honest. ha. I used to smoke off and on, never got hooked. But I think I feel the same way about guys, kind of, not entirely. But yes. I prefer beards though.
Le Rambling Paz
Posted by PAZ | August 2, 2012, 14:16Paz,
Thank you for your kind words… And beards are awesome!!!! You should talk to The Ringmistress…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 3, 2012, 21:17Le Clown,
Teach me how to grow a beard, will you? Or should I ask the Ringmistress about that too?
Le Paz
Posted by PAZ | August 3, 2012, 21:28Le Clown,
Have you heard of Hawksley Workman, the musician from Ontario (don’t worry, he’s not from Toronto)? He has a song ‘Jealous of your Cigarette’ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgxltDbSDec) which I have had stuck in my head since reading this.
Shan
Posted by shanz83 | August 3, 2012, 07:42Shan,
My wife is a die hard fan of Hawksley. I appreciate the talent, but le Hawksley makes Le Clown Le zzzzzzzzzzzzz…..
Le Clown
PS: The Ringmistress was happy that a Carnie brought up Hawksley. Brownie points for you.
Posted by clownonfire | August 3, 2012, 21:15I have a pet parrot named after him even… how does he make you le snooze!? He’s so awesome!
Posted by shanz83 | August 3, 2012, 22:05Shan,
Is your parrot self-indulgent?
He’s the type of artists I would usually like, but I don’t. We saw him in concert 3-yrs ago. It was long, it was “me me me me” – even Le Clown couldn’t “me me me” as much as Mr. Hawksley. And don,T get me wrong, I love me some good pretentious music, Sigur Ros, my wife would day…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | August 4, 2012, 08:01Ah yes, that is true. He is rather self-indulgent.
Posted by shanz83 | August 4, 2012, 08:57The hottest “flings” I had–other than Mr. Jenn, but that can’t be considered “flingish” since we’ve been busy procreating– involved dudes who smoked. I can totally relate. God, it was HAAAAAWWWT! It was only hot with these guys, though. I wouldn’t want Mr. Jenn to smoke–his hawtness comes from elsewhere…
Posted by Jennifer Worrell | August 4, 2012, 16:58Le Clown, a most interesting fetish and how it is so intricately defined. It seems like this would be a hard fetish to satisfy because it has so many elements. I don’t have any fetishes. Maybe I should have one. Then again, I think if you have one you don’t have much choice in the matter.
Posted by The Bumble Files | September 24, 2012, 21:56TBF,
Admittedly, the older I get, the more intricate the fetish gets. It’s sometimes less rigid than it seems, I mean, I will stray from what has become favourites – a match instead of a lighter for example – giving me more flexibility if you will. It’s definitely something interesting. I remember when I wrote this post how I wanted to try and intellectualize the fetish, when deep down, it gets me on such an emotional level.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 24, 2012, 22:13I used to smoke camel turkish silvers lit with one of those long lighters used to light candles and BBQ pits, because they are hard to lose. I used to practice the perfect mysterious exhale. I also took my smoking technique from Sarah Jessica Parker’s character on Sex & The City. What does that do for you? Anything?
Posted by becca3416 | September 26, 2012, 15:22Becca,
Well. You did mention Sarah Jessica Parker which kind of kill everything…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 26, 2012, 15:30I was waiting for a comment like that.
Posted by becca3416 | September 26, 2012, 16:00Becca,
Matthew Broderick just called. He agreed with my comment.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | September 26, 2012, 16:05I have actually been a recipient of the smoking fetish, despite the fact that I smoke American made, non brown cigarettes (305 Menthol, no less). As a regular smoker, I am very used to apologizing for my habit. One night, at a bar, I was apologizing to a guy I just met as I put one out. With no hesitation at all, he grabbed my pack and shoved another one in my mouth and said “no worries, I like watching the way your mouth moves.” I must have smoked two packs that night. The sex was fantastic…
Posted by essaalroc | October 27, 2012, 19:49Essa,
Best answer. Ever. This guy understands it. All.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | October 30, 2012, 22:14“I like watching the way your mouth moves.”
Lucky! I heard it once but the end of my story was not fantastic! lol
Posted by Morbid Insanity | May 20, 2013, 19:55This makes me think of old Marlene Dietrich movies…
Posted by Val | January 3, 2013, 09:33Val,
Dietrich was quite the woman, and actress. Now only if she would have been 5’10” with very long brown hair…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 3, 2013, 09:34Hmm…I’m not even going to start talking fetish! lol
I feel something indescribable when I see a man smoking, but it’s not a fetish because it involves other things…
Interesting post… Interesting fetish!
Posted by Morbid Insanity | May 20, 2013, 19:51Morbid Insanity,
I should write a post about fetishes. I think I will… Next week. Yes… It will make for some interesting conversation…
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | May 20, 2013, 19:53Yes, do it!
Posted by Morbid Insanity | May 20, 2013, 19:56Morbid Insanity,
Done: http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/capnolagnia/
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | May 23, 2013, 07:21There’s something very classy about smoking if you do it the right way. But of course, the scent, and the fact it’s not healthy… Bummer…
Posted by No Blog Intended | May 21, 2013, 15:11NBI,
I couldn’t agree more: it has to be done the right way.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | May 23, 2013, 07:22This post makes me not feel so bad about being a closet smoker. That’s probably not good. But neither is smoking. Whatever. This post is fascinating.
Posted by mollytopia | May 24, 2013, 07:07Molly,
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, smoking is good for you. And for me. You can quote me on that.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | May 24, 2013, 07:08Hahaha thank you – I like it! I’m otherwise so well-behaved it all just gets too tedious. So, I smoke and mumble profanity and climb the fence at work because I can.
Posted by mollytopia | May 24, 2013, 08:03Molly,
Making you my BFF4EVS™.
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | May 24, 2013, 08:19Le Clown,
I’m honored. Thank you.
Molly
Posted by mollytopia | May 25, 2013, 16:40