Le Clown rarely writes about the everyday mundane moments of his magnificent life. If there’s a post about his family, it’s usually written in hindsight. For a better perspective.
It’s an unexpected family day today. Lord Evil Poppy is enjoying quality time with her famlily. It’s heart warming, even when you’re trying to ignore them by reading other bloggers, notably The Write Transition. LEP is high energy like her Clown Dad. She gets bored easily too. Her attention span moved to the big orange yoga ball we own. It’s important to specify that the yoga/exercise/pilates ball isn’t being used. We like to think that we’re avant-garde home designers, and nothing has more of a wow factor in a living room than an inflated and dirty old orange rubber ball. For my 2-yr old girl, it looks like daddy’s bouncing one-ab. Next thing I know, I hear crying from her room, very loud screams. Lord Evil Poppy is holding her arm, and she’s in pain, I mean, it sounds like childbirth pain – but she’s too young, and I’ve been screening all the little boys that have entered this house. It must be a broken arm.
She’s lamenting, she’s screaming, she’s crying. She hates my guts. The Ringmistress wakes up. What the hell’s going on? “It’s the ball’s fault, honey. It wasn’t me. I was just ignoring her“. We call 8-1-1 (in our glorious country, 8-1-1 is the step below 9-1-1. And for those who live in a country which doesn’t have a 9-1-1 number, look it up, I’m too busy writing about me to spell it out for you). “Your daughter needs to go to the hospital now. Give her some Tylenol, and get your Clown ass moving“. I gently grab Lord Evil Poppy. Her eyes are red, and she’s now crying in tongues. I drove like a maniac (if any law enforcement entity is reading this, I’m exaggerating, for literary purposes). At the ER, the nurse redirects us to a room, where a doctor will see us promptly. There will be no waiting – Lord Evil Poppy’s distress is scaring everyone. It looks like a case of testicular cancer type II of the brain tumour located in her right arm. You don’t fuck with that.
30 long minutes! Do you know how long that is when you’re with a crying child who’s holding her arm, looking at you with sad eyes, cursing your name in backwards Latin? It’s American Idol excruciatingly long… “Hi sir. What seems to be the problem“? “Isn’t it obvious, Dr. Douchebag? Look at my daughter!! She’s dying!!“ “That sweet little girl playing with the otoscope, laughing? There’s nothing wrong with her, sir. If the pain persists, give her Tylenol and put some ice on her arm. Have a good day.“
Lord Evil Poppy stares at me, laughing: “Don’t ever ignore me again, Clown Douche“.
True story.
I’m an angel.
I’ve got nothin’.
Posted by meizac | June 14, 2012, 11:59Meizac,
What a morning. Christ.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 12:01I hear ya. Been a while for something like that around here (which I should NOT have just said out loud), but when they hurt themselves, they do a really good job (or, at the very least, it sure looks that way).
Glad LEP is okay.
Posted by meizac | June 14, 2012, 12:13Here’s to a speedy recovery for LEP!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | June 14, 2012, 12:01Jen,
She seems fine. She’s even back at the daycare, laughing at me.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 12:02My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
Posted by Fred | June 14, 2012, 12:02Fred,
Go see a vet.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 12:04I did but I was too big to fit on the exam table.
Posted by Fred | June 14, 2012, 12:05At least you learned your lesson.
Posted by Shannon.Kennedy | June 14, 2012, 12:04Shannon,
I sure did. Where is she now?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 12:04I have a French expression that would be appropriate for this scenario but probably not super appropriate to post online in a public forum. You’ll just have to guess.
Posted by Shannon.Kennedy | June 14, 2012, 12:13Oh, Le Clown, I did stuff like that to my parents when I was a kid. And I wasn’t nearly as masterful as LEP at the whole evil demon thing. I’m glad she’s okay. Lesson learned, eh?
Posted by Madame Weebles | June 14, 2012, 12:07Madame Weebles,
I’m happy it was nothing. Quite honestly, I have never heard her scream and cry this much in the past. Lesson learned indeed: fuck yoga.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 12:10Glad to hear LEP is feeling better already!!!
Posted by A Dog With Fleas | June 14, 2012, 12:09Oh children… it’s all about the magic fun time (and now it is clear to every parent that I obviously don’t have any).
Posted by asoulwalker | June 14, 2012, 12:10A Soul Walker,
Our kids are for rent. We have different rates for a year, 5 years or until they are of legal age.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 12:12Le Chuckle…
Posted by asoulwalker | June 14, 2012, 12:14Le Clown – Laugh Out Loud! I’m trying to recall which of my children wins the prize for most trips to the ER. I’m going to say Sean because he’s the eldest and he used to dislocate his elbow on a regular basis. LEP is rad. (And don’t diss yoga. It makes for bendy people.)
TWTG
Posted by thewhitetrashgourmet | June 14, 2012, 12:21TWTG,
Le Clown disses and trashes nothing. Everything is great, even George W. Bush.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:23Le Clown – Don’t go too far. We need someone to blame for our woes.
TWTG
Posted by thewhitetrashgourmet | June 14, 2012, 16:23Only someone who doesn’t live in the States could say that with a straight face…oh, wait a minute, I forgot, it’s Le Clown, who has no straight face…sorry, I wrote too soon…
Posted by paralaxvu | June 14, 2012, 17:11I live in the same freaking country and I have no clue what 811 is?
Glad little one is doing fine
Posted by nikkix2 | June 14, 2012, 12:24811 must be a fancy thing the Quebecers get, because I’m in Ontario, and we don’t have it either.
Posted by meizac | June 14, 2012, 12:28Phew i am in Ontario and thought I was losing my mind!
Posted by nikkix2 | June 14, 2012, 12:37Well, you *might* be losing your mind, but at least you know it has nothing to do with (not) knowing what 811 is.
Posted by meizac | June 14, 2012, 14:34Nikki,
You live in Quebec? JUST KIDDING!!
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:25Ha!
Posted by meizac | June 14, 2012, 14:35So about those wanker teachers, they only wish they could spend the day wasted. Believe me. Instead, they spend all day either in endless soul-crushing meetings about the new rules or the budget cuts (depending on where the school is) or grading those pesky kid’s interminable essays on what they did last weekend or what kind of flower they would be. And wishing they were sauced.
Somebody should make a blog about this.
Posted by fran6co | June 14, 2012, 12:25Francisco,
You’ve known me for years… If the sarcasm wasn’t thick enough… Should I also specify that I was also for the student strike, and 100% behind them? Some of my readers are teachers, and I have great respect for them, even if they are alcoholic wankers.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:19Le Clown,
I think that is why my mother ALWAYS insisted, if we weren’t BLEEDING perfusely and nothing looked askew or amiss… we weren’t taken to the ER…
We also weren’t allowed to stay home from school unless we were LITERALLY dying. Good times…
THAM
Posted by the howler and me | June 14, 2012, 12:39THAM,
We’ll, you’ve grown up to be one of my Carnies. In my book, you’ve done alright.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:26as “they” say… what doesn’t kill ya….
AND I am a Heckler NOT a Carnie
Posted by the howler and me | June 14, 2012, 14:31Yay for Hecklers! Down with Carnies!
Posted by meizac | June 14, 2012, 14:37THAM, Meizac,
Carnies for ever.
Peace out,
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 18:00This is merely a display of power from LEP’s side. She’s showing who’s boss and required a display of loyalty on you side. Well played, LEP, well played.
Posted by Sophy | June 14, 2012, 12:42Sophy,
The poor little wise one did hurt herself pretty bad…. And she also got her Clown Dad pretty good…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:27Aw.
That is really awful, and not fun at all. I hope that she’ll get well soon. <3
Posted by Sophy | June 14, 2012, 14:30My son did this to me the other day (he’s 12). “I jammed my finger.” An hour later, bruising up and down both sides, we’re headed to the ER for a broken finger. I didn’t ignore him when it happened, but I gave it an hour to see if it would get better. I got the look from him, that he does so well, and weeks of “Why didn’t we go to the hospital right away, Mom?” I’m glad she’s better – and so’s my son
Posted by theforgottenwife | June 14, 2012, 12:44The Forgotten Wife,
Kids will do this. And with senior homes spreading like herpes, I can’t even rely on the fact that my kids will take care of me when I’ll be old and still pretty. Where’s the justice?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:29Le Clown that was Le Funny … but it’s amazing how someone barely thigh-high has so much POWER. Or, when they’re crying and screaming their lungs out, it’s scary as hell. There used to be a store not far from where I live called Kids are Magic. It closed, possibly because they owner realized that they’re also terrifying, but Kids are Terrifying would have been a less charming name for the business.
Posted by lameadventures | June 14, 2012, 12:50V,
Kids Eat Souls?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:40Excellent name for a kids’ store Le Clown! You’d shop there, right?
Posted by lameadventures | June 14, 2012, 14:52V,
Only if you tell me I’ll bump into you… Or if it’s 2 for 1, and they do not sell beige khakis for kids…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:54LEP — a child after my own heart! I’m glad she’s okay. I relate to this. Talk to my parents, they’ll tell you. Children like us, we just do it because we can. I guess you don’t call her Lord Evil Poppy for nuttin’!
Posted by Sword-chinned bitch | June 14, 2012, 13:30Auntie Sandee,
She’s on the top of the totem pole. It’s a good place for her. You can see her, pointing at us, mere mortals, lawling. She’s a fast one alright…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:42First of all, glad your little munchkin is okay. But your description of the event amused me greatly–both because I have been there and because of the way you told it. It reminds me of the time I rushed my then toddler to the ER for a STAT head CT, given he knocked himself out cold on our concrete, and by the time he finally got the scan, he was up playing and laughing, leaving me looking the fool. Sure glad we gave him some unnecessary radiation…
Thanks for the mention, Le Clown. Underneath your crispy and amusing arrogance is a soft, yogurt center, je pense.
Posted by crubin | June 14, 2012, 13:38Carrie,
No, I’m all darkness! That’s right. Evil clown. Le Penny Wise of the blogosphere. I hide under your bed and lick your fingers when you slip. I write evil messages in your mirrors when you’re out, like: You’re a doodoo head! That’s Le Clown… BOOH!! Scared you, didn’t I?
Le Ronald McDonald Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:46Ha ha! Penny Wise the clown. We have that Stephen King DVD, and its image used to scare the crap out of my youngest. Nice of me to leave it around the house then, wasn’t it?…
Posted by crubin | June 14, 2012, 15:44LEP is brilliant!
I find that ice cream easily distracts crying people
Posted by MissFourEyes | June 14, 2012, 13:40Miss Four Eyes,
Ice Cream. Right on. I got myself a cone, but LEP wouldn’t leave me alone.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:4730 minutes in the ER to be seen by a doctor? Unheard of! LEP clearly has some serious powers. She should consider a career as a superhero/villain.
Posted by DeeDee | June 14, 2012, 13:47DeeDee,
And we have “free” health care… Yes, she was crying… Poor souls in Hell. They need to step up their game if she’s ever headed for Hades.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:48Love it
!!!! LEP is a genius
Posted by boomiebol | June 14, 2012, 13:54ha ha…you are a master Le Clown…a master.
Posted by boomiebol | June 14, 2012, 14:50I am glad LEP is ok… but I must say Clown Douche is epic. ♥
Posted by bipolarmuse | June 14, 2012, 14:09BPMuse,
It’s pretty sweet isn’t it? I’m a good smelling clown, with no flora.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:50HA! You are too much…
Posted by bipolarmuse | June 14, 2012, 14:59Bless her heart! The ER is the worst place ever for kiddos. My destructive little brother made several visits there as a child and each time my parents wanted to disown him. You can only take a kid intentionally diving into a brick hearth and then needing stitches so many times.
Posted by The Waiting | June 14, 2012, 14:18Emily,
Perhaps we should introduce your little brother to LEP…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:51Lol…she can be his intern.
Posted by The Waiting | June 14, 2012, 15:31Outstanding! I ignored my daughter’s crying about her arm years ago b/c I had friends over for drinks. Her dad insisted on taking her to the ER…he’s so over-protective. Yep. Broken arm.
Mom of the Year.
Hope she feels better!!!
Posted by Maggie O'C | June 14, 2012, 14:43Maggie,
Poor little girl. And for a segue… Do you think I’ll be Freshly Pressed now? Do you? Do you?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 14:52We’d all better kiss your ass with a vengeance now so you can put in a good word for us when LEP takes over the world:)
Posted by Jennifer Worrell | June 14, 2012, 15:13Jennifer,
I suggest building a shrine to her name.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 15:35I’m on it!
Posted by Jennifer Worrell | June 14, 2012, 17:33I am greatly relieved that despite the pain and suffering LEP was forced to endure, the post still managed to keep its spotlight on the true focus: Le Clown.
I won;t go so far as to say that you pushed her, just for the story, but I may or may not be thinking it.
And I’m very glad she’s ok!
Posted by El Guapo | June 14, 2012, 15:15El Guapo,
It’s a great testament to my writing that the true message was conveyed: It’s what Lord Evil Poppy’s injury will have as a consequence on Le Clown. Spot on, my friend. As to pushing her, I’d be subtle.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 15:35I read this on the edge of my seat, expecting the poor babe to have several breaks and have to have a huge cast that all her friends could scribble their names on with a permanent marker. Alas, I am glad she was okay! Those balls will get ya. I do not sit on yoga balls for this very reason. I would immediately topple over like a Jenga game, bashing every nook and cranny on my body and severely scarring myself.
The pic of your child instantly caused my uterus to have a purely utterly needy reaction again. These are not good. I need to have someone else screen your posts for super cute babes before reading…. seriously.
Posted by imakeeper | June 14, 2012, 15:25Lillian,
The only thing I know that is more dangerous than yoga balls is my jelly belly. Ask my wife.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 15:39I’m glad LEP’s okay! But it makes me wonder…what will she be like when she’s a teenager??? Average teens are scary. A teen-aged LEP? Oh, boy… I’d say you’ve got time, but time flies when you’re having fun, right?
Posted by Lisa Ann | June 14, 2012, 15:48Lisa Ann,
I have built myself a bomb shelter for her teens.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 17:36Oh Most Magnificant One, you’re slipping…LEP was just clowning around with you. Heheheheh…
Posted by paralaxvu | June 14, 2012, 17:17Paralaxvu,
We’ve figured out within her short years that she is our kryptonite… There’s just no fighting LEP.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 17:37you know, you make even horrible things kind of funny, but i want you to know, I did not let myself laugh, not even a little bit. OK, maybe just a little. AND i hope that the little one will eventually laugh, as well. here’s hoping!
Posted by the circular runner | June 14, 2012, 21:20TCR,
2 hours before the post, I wasn’t laughing… Thank God my wife drugged me.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 22:42that’s what wives are for
Posted by the circular runner | June 14, 2012, 23:38She has le clown daddy wrapped around her finger already and she’s only 2 years old. Can’t wait to read your stories when she’s 16.
Posted by writerwendyreid | June 14, 2012, 22:22Wendy,
Love her to death. Let her do her magic, I say.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 14, 2012, 22:41First of many victories for the Poppy. I’ve often suspected that toddler fury could move mountains; the fact that your ER wait was only 30 minutes totally confirms that.
Posted by rollergiraffe | June 15, 2012, 01:49RollerGiraffe,
I’m happy to be reading you again. I’m guessing things are settling down? Ready to babysit LEP then?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 15, 2012, 18:46My twins + LEP = imminent apocalypse? Probably. Let’s do it.
Posted by rollergiraffe | June 17, 2012, 22:41So get up get, get get down, 811 is a joke for Le Clown
In Oz we are considered too stupid to remember two different numbers in an emergency so it is simply 000 … or is it 00 or 0000 …
Posted by Ape No. 1 | June 15, 2012, 07:48Ape,
I think Le Clown would fit perfectly in the land down under. I can remember up to 4 zeros. Then I blackout.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 15, 2012, 18:51Lord Evil Poppy is awesome! I love your kids.
Posted by purplemary54 | June 15, 2012, 14:09PurpleMary54,
I read your comment aloud to my kids, and these are her answer:
LEP: Em kcil, em kcil!
Posted by clownonfire | June 15, 2012, 18:54Thus confirming for all time just how awesome your kids are. (Which is only natural since they are yours.)
Now give the boy $5 and give the girl whatever the Baby-English dictionary translates that into.
Posted by purplemary54 | June 16, 2012, 02:56“It’s American Idol excruciatingly long.” Excellent description for your American Idol segment of readers (me)!
Posted by Adrienne schmadrienne | June 15, 2012, 14:23Adrienne,
I enjoyed the first season. Perhaps the second season. Then there were too many idols. Then I got distracted. Then Survivor introduced Redemption Island….
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 15, 2012, 18:55Oh, Le Clown,
LEP is such a clever child! I can’t WAIT until she reaches her teen years! (insert evil laugh). But seriously, we (as in all of us who got punished for having great sex by birthing a child or two) have all been there! In fact, once again you have inspired me for another blog….about a time when my girls were young…
Take care, my favorite Le Clown, and remember…always, ALWAYS fake watching them!
~Rainey
Posted by rainey | June 15, 2012, 20:39Poor sweet LEP. I refuse to believe the horrible things you say about her. Surely she would have died had you not taken her to the hospital. You are a wise clown.
Posted by Christine | June 17, 2012, 21:58Holy crap on a stick am I pissed for you
Posted by daddyranman | June 19, 2012, 08:09You might want to start doing that Yoga regularly. You have many more years of that evil ahead of you, and she will only hone her talents further as the years roll on. You will need to get as zen as possible.
Posted by jcmarckx2009 | May 7, 2013, 09:28