It’s called a belly, or as Le Clown affectionately calls his, a one-ab™. You’ve seen the pictures, Le Clown is pretty. Pictures don’t lie, but they sure do hide that extra weight: a large shirt, a very long and deep breath, and say cheese (hello, Oxford comma)!
A 3-month pregnant Le Clown
Le Clown started drinking when he was just a young lad, and by the sound of this sentence, Irish. As a teenager, Le Clown was pretty and fit – a magnificently breathtaking lifeguard, most would say. Binge drinking does little to a belly when you’re under 20. And then one morning, you wake up from a night of debauchery, with a pasty mouth and a full bladder…you’re in your mid-twenties, and a few inches larger around the waist [See how I used "you" instead of "I"? How's that for total, utter denial?].
In your twenties, resolving the issue of a semi-belly means a few days at the gym, tops.You’re good as new, and might even glow in the dark – you’ll be once again the hottest thing being picked up at the club. Drink. Drink more. Belly. Gym. And repeat.
Until your thirties. The belly gets bigger… an impressive one-ab, Le Clown. A few days at the gym doesn’t cut it anymore. Nice biceps, though. Thank God for cocaine. My Carnies, cocaine is the miracle drug when it comes to losing weight, and your mind: eat little, drink lots, and keep a flat belly.
Until you have kids. Babies like mornings… The only way you’ll see mornings on cocaine is if you’re still up from partying the night before. Better bid farewell to blowing that shit up your nose, and to your flat belly… So it grows, and it grows, and it’ll huff and it’ll puff till it blows your pants off… Le Clown is a thirtysomething magnificently gorgeous man with a jelly belly… Screw booze, I need me some flat belly.
Getting sober will have a tremendous impact on your life, and on your one-ab… For the first six months, you’ll lose weight. Then it happens… You realize you’re craving sugar, as beer is all sugar and empty calories… Mmm, chocolate. Mmm, donuts. Mmm, white refined sugar: the fifth food group – the cocaine of junk food.
You’re 40, with white hair, a grey beard, painful joints, blurry vision and a masterpiece of a one-ab. The work of a lifetime. And it ain’t going anywhere…
How many 40-yr old Le Clown can you fit in a clown car?
Riddle me this: Which one is Le Clown?
When I drank, I didn’t eat! I actually lost weight! Throw in a little white stuff — problem solved! You can do it Le Clown — you’ll get it off.
Posted by Sword-chinned bitch | June 6, 2012, 08:11Sandee,
I have to weigh the positive and the negative: no belly means no donuts… Suicide of the soul…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 14:52Love the one-ab!! Kick the sugar and you’ll be good…..But either way it goes, Le Clown is still beautiful!!
Posted by A Dog With Fleas | June 6, 2012, 08:15A Dog With Fleas,
Did I ever tell you how much I liked you before? Keep it coming…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 14:52I’m not looking forward to this road of aging you have painted for me. Good thing this is only happening to me and not you, as you’ve illustrated! Oh, and clearly your tummy is the less hairy one. That’s how I envision my Le Clown every night.
Posted by daddyranman | June 6, 2012, 08:27DaddyRanman,
You’re British, aren’t you? Brits don’t get fat. I’ve seen Jason Statham…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 14:54This is just a crazy guess,,but I’m thinking (and hoping) Le Clown,,is NOT the one with “MOM” tatooed on her hairless cute tummy.
Oh and thanks for the Award,,,Momma always lurvs her some BLING!
Posted by nikkix2 | June 6, 2012, 08:31Nikki,
That would make you right! That is my super hot wife with two belly buttons! And I’m glad you’re owning the Alan Smithee Blog award. Good for you.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 14:55Meh. My one ab’s worse.
I’ll be 40 next year and am wearing the bloated shame of binge drinking myself when I was in that whole punish-self-by-drinking period of 2010 and most of 2011. The extra weight I’m carrying is from that, well, and also under-eating. Turns out that alcohol all but destroys your energy-burning process so existing body fat becomes layered with…wait for it…more fat! I’m gradually losing it now, even if I still enjoy cocktails, just not every day and not because I hate myself. Bouncing back health-wise, like you said, when you’re older takes sooooo long. Ugh.
As for you, sir, you don’t have that much to lose so you’ll be OK once you find a way to moderate your sugar intake. Using a sliced doughnut as a hamburger bun doesn’t count. Try eating more protein. It helps you feel full longer.
Posted by Fred | June 6, 2012, 09:03Fred,
Are we competing for the best one-ab? Took me 20 years to get mine. Suck it, kind sir!
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 14:56Ah. I got mine in less than 2 years, so you win the incubation award.
Posted by Fred | June 6, 2012, 14:57Oh, Le Clown. You had me at your mention of the Oxford comma. And I’m going to guess that the tummy on the right is not yours. Also, sugar makes the world go round, I don’t care what anyone says.
Posted by Madame Weebles | June 6, 2012, 09:16Madame Weebles,
Le French Clown recently learned about the Oxford comma, and has been obsessed with it since then. And I like sugar too! I could stand up on a desk and shout out loud: Hi, I’m Le Clown, and I’m a sugarholic!
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 14:58what is an Oxford comma? do I want one?? I hate being left out!
My problem with drinking is i must eat so I eat a lot to absorb the wine to come and then to deal with the after effects. Calorie counting helps or just be fat and happy. And I never did enough coke to lose weight
Posted by Maggie O'C | June 8, 2012, 14:14I cannot relate to this aging phenomenon you describe, as I am ageless (though, clearly, not as beautiful as Le Clown). I also work my ass off (you could take that literally, even) in a kettlebell studio 3+ times a week, and I’ve always been a good girl.
So, yeah, I know not of what you speak….
Posted by meizac | June 6, 2012, 09:17Meizac,
You are one to follow. Can I call you Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:02Indeed you may, though I prefer Obi-Wan Ke-meizac.
Posted by meizac | June 6, 2012, 15:09Witweew!
Le clown, you’re really living up to the word sexy. Even your figure spells the word. S is for sexy, right? Tell me I’m wrong.
Posted by happinessisnotadisease | June 6, 2012, 10:00HINAD,
You’re right, contrary to popular belief, it does not stand for sedentary…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:05My muffin top was gloriously created by the children that resided in my uterus. It has nothing to do with Samuel Adams or Twizzlers, not one bit.
Posted by Fish Out of Water | June 6, 2012, 10:06Hahaha,,,true Dat,,gurlfriend!!
Posted by nikkix2 | June 6, 2012, 10:19FOOW,
Samuel Adams is good beer. Muffin top rhymes with sugar. Therefore, muffin tops for everyone!
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:08Oh Le Clown. Your timing is uncanny. The Mama just admitted to herself (note the use of the third person denial tactic) that she has a muffin top. Sunuva…
Posted by Christine | June 6, 2012, 10:31Christine – if it makes you feel any better, the word for muffin top in German translates to “hip gold” in English.
Posted by Shannon.Kennedy | June 6, 2012, 11:47Shannon and Christine,
Hip of Gold… Now who would mind a little extra cushion with a name like that.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:10Dear Clown,
You artfully hide poetry behind your profile, but if you tell anyone I complimented you I’ll kick your ass with Meizac’s kettlebell, which I can wield as skillfully as you can bite the top off a Fischer Labelle.
Gemini Girl
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | June 6, 2012, 10:35And I will gladly hand over the heaviest kettlebell I can swing (88lbs, so it should more than do the trick for you, GG).
Posted by meizac | June 6, 2012, 11:35That one might kill me.
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | June 6, 2012, 11:35Okay, well at least you know you’ve got options all the way up to 88lbs…. It’s good to have options.
Posted by meizac | June 6, 2012, 11:36GG,
You talk foreign to me. I understand Molson.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:12Meh – looks aren’t as important as what’s in your mind
You’ll get it off when you get it off. I’m in the same boat….almost 40 and looking a bit pregnant myself. But we’ll still be faithful Carnies regardless of how Le Clown looks….we love you for your mind 
Posted by theforgottenwife | June 6, 2012, 10:37The Forgotten Wife,
Reading your comment makes my ego gain weight.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:14Don’t worry Le Clown, you’re pretty anyway
Posted by MissFourEyes | June 6, 2012, 10:46Miss Four Eyes,
Worrying is not good. It makes me eat my emotions.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:15I love your mom tatoo, where did you get it done? And who are you posing with… it’s a little weird.
Posted by asoulwalker | June 6, 2012, 11:00A Soul Walker,
Ok. Ok. What if I’d tell you that these are my buttcheeks, one shaven, the other au naturel?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:17That makes way more sense. Merci.
Posted by asoulwalker | June 6, 2012, 16:49My guess is that we can fit 3 Le Clown’s into the clown car (two in the front, one on the floor in the back). A 4th can be attempted, but that Le Clown may only have a single limb actually inside the car, the rest of him running alongside. Either way, let’s take the clown car to the drive-in!
Posted by calahan | June 6, 2012, 11:04Calahan,
Speaking of a drive-in, I went to my first one in over 35 years last year, and it was so nostalgic, and beautiful. Too bad it was Captain America, though… And they were selling pickled eggs…??? WTF?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:18Did previous moviegoers petition the drive-in’s management to include pickled eggs as a snack? “Do you want butter on your popcorn, son?” – “No, daddy. I want pickled eggs! Hooray!” – “You were left on our door by gypsies. Thought you should know.”
Posted by calahan | June 6, 2012, 16:07Four. I’d bet we could fit a clown on fire in the ashtray.
Posted by paralaxvu | June 6, 2012, 15:34Paralaxvu,
Brilliant. Like Like Clown.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:35Ha! Good one.
Posted by calahan | June 6, 2012, 16:05Le Clown –
Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?
Seriously though this getting older and fatter thing seems to be going around. Why is all the fun stuff bad for us? Life with its silly choices. Maybe I’ll follow you to a life of clean and sober. Probably not but maybe…
TWTG
Posted by thewhitetrashgourmet | June 6, 2012, 11:55TWTG,
I like to get drunk through my wife. I let her wake up with the hangover too.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 15:19Le Clown,
I am now staring at and commenting on the one-ab, which I promised I would not do. Great post!
RFL
Posted by RFL | June 6, 2012, 15:57Rachelle,
You have my permission to make fun of Le Clown. There’s not a god damn thing he can do about it. And thanks!
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 16:34Le Clown,
I would hazard a guess – that NO Le Clowns could fit in a clown car. Le Clown, while magnificent, is not flexible – and therefore couldn’t scrunch up enough.
THAM
Posted by the howler and me | June 6, 2012, 18:05THAM,
You’re either very perceptive, or my neighbour, but Le Clown is indeed NOT flexible. Your comment made me laugh, and for that, I thank you.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 6, 2012, 18:08You are ever so welcome.
Posted by the howler and me | June 6, 2012, 18:14It could be worse, the one-ab could be double-jointed.
I lose 5-10 lbs within two weeks if I’ve been drinking regularly and give it up without replacing the empty calories.
Posted by DeeDee | June 6, 2012, 19:09DeeDee,
Sugar is the root of all evil.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 8, 2012, 19:18Le Clown, If your belly is the one on the right, the Ringmistress needs to wax her navel and it’s surroundings.
There is a simple rule to losing weight: Move more, eat less.
You are magnificent, one ab and all.
Wendy
Posted by writerwendyreid | June 6, 2012, 20:57Wendy,
Move all, eat less. Christ, that sounds painful!
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 8, 2012, 19:19I’m glad I am not the only one with little tattoos speckled on my non-abby belly. Although, I will share a secret of mine that keeps me trim- I run a lot. Mainly because I often get chased my rabid rabbits and geckos, but it keeps me in shape. Eventually though (if you haven’t picked up on this from my uterus-reacting-to-small-child-baby-pictures), I will reproduce and then suffer not from one ab, but Lady-who-swallowed-a-bowling-ball-and-looks-weird syndrome.
At least you are not dealing with that. Your one ab is abspirational.
Corny.
Posted by imakeeper | June 7, 2012, 09:13ImAKeeper,
You really are funny, you know that, right? And I don’t say this to just anyone, funny woman…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 8, 2012, 19:20When did you get you navel pierced?
Posted by Sophy | June 7, 2012, 09:21Sophy,
In 1907.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 7, 2012, 16:46Oh, that early huh? You’re quite the trend setter. But of course I already knew that.
Posted by Sophy | June 7, 2012, 17:29this is hilarious. oh, le clown, oh how momma has missed you and your le clan. i adore you and your one-ab. i also have an orb-torso and it’s very difficult to lose it at my withered old age, but try i will. maybe i need to pick up a coke habit. love, lovin’ you. xo, sm
Posted by sweetmother | June 7, 2012, 13:46SM,
The Ringmistress says hi, We’ve been painting our new place, and writing about U2. How’s that for lame-ass Canadians?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | June 8, 2012, 19:26…and we both miss you a great deal…
…Le Clown…
Posted by clownonfire | June 8, 2012, 19:26