…is a pornographic film which has nothing to do with this post.
While on his WordPress hiatus, Le Clown updated his passport and revisited some of his favourite places: NeurosisVille, Melancholiaburg and Turmoil City. Being the type of explorer who fully invests himself in his treks, Le Voyager Clown omitted to drop by and say hello to his 15 new followers. Simon, TransBeautiful, WillowSpirit, Melanie, Cat Forsley, PurpleMary54, Psovart (looking forward to having my portrait displayed by you…), Didiita, Timmer, Unfetteredbs, Stewpify, DatingBitch, JodiAmbrose, Cynosurd and WallaceBThom, thanks for joining Le Circus, my new Carnies. Now go and fetch me a coffee. Merci.
The blogosphere continued to turn, or so I’ve read. Many of you missed Le Clown, and that is fine by me. I’ve missed myself, too. Gemini Girl – who mentioned me in this post [although it was her duty as my personal-assistant to write a mini-post about Le Clown] – channeled my magnificence and entertained my Carnies during my journeys through DramaQueenLand. I’ve been told she did a stupendous job… for an American. GG, sweetie, kudos to you. Time to move on. Shoo.
The nominees for the Bigger and Better Dick in a Box are:
- Madame Weebles: “Le Clown, the air I breathe was stale in your absence“.
- Sword-Chinned Bitch: “Air Supply was my only relief while you were gone“.
- Meizac: “You are magnificently magnificent, O Great Magnificent Le Clown“.
- Wendy: “Can I be your first apostle and write the Gospel of Le Clown?”
- Anette and Sailor Carrie: “A personal-assistant tag team, master Le Clown?”
Le Clown as Air Supply – A special dedication to Sword-Chinned Bitch.
Et la gagnante est… Meizac! Congratulations, fellow Canadian! [I will be shipping you back your kids, by the way. It was a kind and noble sacrifice, but Le Clown doesn't take bribes.] You’ve won a permanent place on Le Clown’s blog. I will make space for you on the Dick in a Box page, and I will expect you to start replying to comments as of now. I’ve also reserved you a special treat [solidarity between Canadians, friend]: As this week’s Le Clown’s personal-assistant, it will be your job to find a better job title than “personal-assistant”. I would have suggested “Gemini Girl” – in light of Stacie’s awesomeness – but Gemini Girl thought it would be too conspicuous and would start the rumour mill… The ego on that one.
Anette and Sailor Carrie, I like your idea… Let’s talk…
A Meizac Family Portrait, I’m guessing by one of her kids. Wicked antennas, Ant Girl!
You know, Le Clown, when I entered the blogosphere, I never anticipated the wonder that is Le Clown, Dick in the Box Awards, and the wonder that is White Baby Jesus — Le Clown — keep on bringin’ it! Peace be with you…
Posted by Sword-chinned bitch | May 12, 2012, 08:09Nothing like contributing more to the over-inflation of Le Clown’s ego, eh?
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 08:52SCB,
You are kind. Again. And funny. And will also make it up to you and go and like ALL of your posts.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 10:02You interrupted me from my Virtual Vegan Potluck for this?!
And that’s M’s hair.
I don’t know why I have no arms, though Z did a fabulous job on my hair.
For the next week, I will litter your blog with appropriately spelled words with the letter “U”.
ColoUr. HumoUr. NeighboUr. CandoUr. LaboUr (ooohhhh….you wanna hear stories about me giving birth? No, you don’t. Never mind). BehavioUr. EndeavoUr. FavoUr. FavoUrite.
I will convert your American followers to proper spelling…and maybe even the metric system.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 08:15What? we don’t spell things right?
and seriously could you start working on the metric system thing? I think it makes more sense than this bullshit we have here in the states.
Posted by the howler and me | May 12, 2012, 08:20Hmmm…looks like I already have a convert-in-waiting. Here’s the true test: it’s ZED, not ZEE.
Lazy Americans….
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 08:22HUH… learn something new every day. Thanks for the schoolin’
And yes, for the most part we are LAZY….
BTW – congrats on being Le Clownie Clown’s personal assistant
Posted by the howler and me | May 12, 2012, 08:30Yeah, I’m not sure “congratulations” is the right thing to say here.
Also, I’m in a post where the first thing he mentions is fucking porn. No one is going to continue to believe my ‘good girl’ persona at this rate….
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 08:36HA! Leave it to Le Clown to tarnish a reputation
Posted by the howler and me | May 12, 2012, 08:46LOL Air suppy is Pornography why that and Barry manillow were the only records my mom would let me listen to, old strict woman, If she only knew, If she only knew lol. thats probably why I was such a pervert most of my life. It’s moms fault and Air Supply!!! (reminder to discuss with therapist) Anyway, I am glad you are back! Hope things will be looking better for WP soon
Posted by carlarenee45 | May 12, 2012, 08:18Air Supply totally IS pornography. Your mother should probably be arrested. Just sayin’.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 08:54Mr LaClown sir, I know that you do not like awards, adn you know that is why I never nominate you. But this time I did. I think this award is special and to be given to those with whom I would like to know better. At least come and see what I wrote about you when nominating ya! lol
http://carlarenee45.wordpress.com/2012/05/12/i-wanna-know-ya-better-baby-award/
Posted by carlarenee45 | May 12, 2012, 09:34As Le Clown’s personal assistant, it is my duty to advise you that Le Clown is ever-so-grateful for this lovely award (and he WILL read what you wrote, ’cause I also get to tell him what to do a little bit), but he will not partake in telling the blogosphere five things about himself.
Having said that, I may, at a later date, tell you five things about him. I’m just gathering the dirt now.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 10:03Meizac,
It’s like you know me. You are right, 5 things are not enough. Le Clown couldn’t stop talking about himself cause he’s full of magnificence.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 10:05ok hon that is cool!
Posted by carlarenee45 | May 12, 2012, 10:08I choked on my own saliva drooling at the opening intro: …is a pornographic film. Running out of Kleenex is the shits.
Posted by Clandestine Cuba | May 12, 2012, 08:36You choked on your own saliva while drooling? Were you drooling down your throat, ’cause, in Canada, we call that swallowing.
LEP regularly turns Le Clown into a blubbering, drooling, sleep-deprived mess. Le Clown just uses his sleeve to clean up the mess.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 08:57So is that “swallowing” as in “Deep Throat” or swallowing one’s own pride?
Posted by Clandestine Cuba | May 12, 2012, 09:12Given the tone of this post, it would obviously be Deep Throat.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 09:14Dear Le Magnificent Razzamatazz,
Parting is such sweet sorrow. Just kidding. I totally made that up, but write it down and spread it all over the blogosphere as your own. Really. My gift.
In all seriosity, I’m sorry you’re going to miss the posts I handled in your absence that took your comment section to triple digits for the first time ever. On consecutive days.
I’m sorry the only Canadian pop star anyone cares about is Nelly Furtado, and that Bryan Adams is dead.
I’m sorry that a Canadian team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup since 1993. Well, sorry for you, since body checking 101 is taught in lieu of remedial math in all of your elementary schools.
I’m sorry that the only reason illegal immigrants come to Canada is because they get kicked out of America.
I’m sorry you’ll miss me so much, but please don’t cry. Splotchy clown make-up is nasty.
I could go on and on forever and a day, but it’s time to go bleach my teeth a beautiful shade of star-fucker shiny.
Your Loyal, Caring, and Awesome Former Assistant,
Gemini Girl
P.S. Meizac, you know you were always my fav, right?
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | May 12, 2012, 08:42Liar!
And would you kindly stop making my job so fucking difficult? Cripes, next Jen is going to show up and I’ll be totally screwed.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 08:49Stacie,
Nelly Furtado… Makes you old, doesn’t it, old GG?
Thanks for being a rockstar. You did pretty good, for an American.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 09:11Dear Lovely Clown,
I’m only as old as my plastic surgeon says I am.
xoxo
GG
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | May 12, 2012, 09:33GG,
And like everything American, that is MUCH MUCH MORE older, right?
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 09:37Than you? No.
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | May 12, 2012, 09:40Well, you’re both older than me, so
(That’s my maturity showing.)
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 09:42Gemini Girl’s Fav Bands:
The Shins
The Black Keys
The Decemberists
Modest Mouse
My Morning Jacket
Band of Horses
Rural Alberta Advantage
Broken Bells
Death Cab for Cutie
Pinback
How many are from Canada?
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | May 12, 2012, 09:46GG,
I must say you have pretty good taste in music, although the more albums Death Cab for Cutie release, the less I like ‘em… Even if Ben Gibbard was once married to Zooey Deschanels.
There are no Canadian bands simply because you do not know:
. Broken Social Scene
. Metrics
. Buck 65
. The Dears
. Wolf Parade / Sunset Rubdown / Moonface
. Stars (but I’m having a DCFC reaction to them too)
I could go on (I didn’t even mention Arcade Fire).
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 09:50GG, if you are not a fan of at least Barenaked Ladies (look at all the things I’m saying today that are unintentionally appropriate for this post), we can no longer be friends.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 09:19GG,
You also look like the type of yuppie who would listen to Feist… Unless she’s too arty for you. I should make a post tomorrow for the “A Sunday Musical Interlude” on Feist’s old band, Broken Social Scene….
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 09:21Dear Clown,
Blah blah blekity blah,
GG
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | May 12, 2012, 09:34Mez,
I’m too young to listen to the Barenaked Ladies, but I appreciate the female body in all it’s glorious gloriosity.
xoxo
GG
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | May 12, 2012, 09:30Ya see, this is why I say that GG makes a better Le Clown than Le Clown himself, any day of the week. No offense to Meizac (whom I will soon be following) but the only way GG could be awesomer is if her name was Michelle Rodriguez (“Why won’t you return my calls Michelle!? And what’s this restraining order business all about?”). Anywho, this blog is being read and enjoyed in Copenhagen, as we speak. Le Phil begins a European tour! Next: Germany, Estonia, Russia, Sweden and finally Finland. Just doing my small part to spread Le Gospel of Le Clown (and La GG).
Posted by inphiluencer | May 12, 2012, 13:30P.S. For GG: The only true magnificent razzamatazz is Le Nazareth. Period. Please, Never blaspheme about Razzamatazz again; I might loose my all-consuming devotion to you…
Posted by inphiluencer | May 12, 2012, 13:37Dear Inphiluencer,
How much do I owe you? Le Clown doesn’t know this yet, but I’ve stolen his identity. Well, one of them. I’m working on the other fourteen. Anyway, he gave me editorial access to his blog about a week ago and with it I was able to hack into his tattered bag of tricks. You would not BELIEVE the shit I found in there, including some offshore account numbers, a jack-in-the-box, and a few things, that if mentioned, would be incredibly embarrassing to my former boss. But blackmail is to riches what weed is to my home state (#1 cash crop in Kentucky), so name your price. I have a blank check with Le Clown’s digits attached.
Your best ass-kissing friend,
Gemini Girl
P.S. I’m going to follow Meizac too, just so I can be like you.
P.S.S. I’ve see every episode of Lost, and while I would pick Michelle Rodriguez to back me up in a bar fight, I like to think of myself of much less hairy than she. Just sayin.
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | May 12, 2012, 18:17Seriously? You’re reading this while on a European tour? Methinks you’re royally screwing up this European tour if you’re here instead. Just sayin’.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 21:31And, GG! WTF?!?! How were you not already following me? I mean I felt you breathing down my neck, saw you dart behind buildings, etc. Knock it off with the facade, would ya? I know you’re jealous that I’ve taken over your post with Le Clown, but c’mon!
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 21:33Congratulations Meizac!…… or not, depending on how you see it
Posted by MissFourEyes | May 12, 2012, 09:15MFE,
Be nice. You’ll be a PA one day.
It was always written in the sky.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 09:16Yeah, *ahem* thanks *cough*
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 09:17The only Canadian rock that matters is Rush.
I lost all respect for Bryan Adams with that “song” he did for that Robin Hood movie.
Hey, Clown, you still coming to Ottawa today? I see you blogging I don’t see you emailing. Chop chop!
Posted by Fred | May 12, 2012, 09:33Fred,
You are right. I thought SSG would convey the message…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 09:37Nope, I had no idea. Good thing I mentioned it.
Posted by Fred | May 12, 2012, 11:49Curses….I KNEW I should have written “magnificent Le Clown” a few times in my application. I was just trembling too much in awe.
Plus, I’m also American too—I spend so much getting Botox, I can’t really think clearly anymore.
But congrats, Meizac!
Posted by Madame Weebles | May 12, 2012, 10:17To be fair, he changes the application criteria 739 times per day. It’s impossible to keep up. I just got ‘lucky.’
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 10:20You are hilarious!
Posted by jennysserendipity | May 12, 2012, 11:11He’s actually not that funny. It’s all LEP.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 11:23LOL!
Posted by jennysserendipity | May 12, 2012, 11:23ooooooohhh, how i have missed you, le clowny. and where is le sarah? i have missed you both. it is wonderful to see you again in my email feed. that’s it, nothing snarky today, just love. xoxo, sweet mo
Posted by sweetmother | May 12, 2012, 13:12I don’t know, you threw an ‘h’ on the end of Sara. I’d say that’s snarky; veiled or not.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 13:21i’m a horrible speller. you can call me sweet mothra to make up for it, if you like. are you taking over le asst position now? le clown has more middlemen then a corporate clusterfeck. but, nice to hear from you meizac. hope all is well. mothra.
Posted by sweetmother | May 12, 2012, 13:26I think Le Clown is sexist too, as he’s only been choosing women to play the role of personal assistant. Jerk.
Nice to meet you, Sweet Mothra.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 21:28Becky,
Step up your tea game…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 21:47Reblogged this on 1800ukillme and commented:
Le Clown is so magnificent that he made a dedication to me, the image of his magnificence merged into an Air Supply member! I can’t tell how honored I am! I meant to tell you thank you, thank you, thank you!! I feel fancy being part of Le Clown’s 3 ring circus, mentioned with Madame Weebles, Meizac, Wendy, Anette and Sailor Carrie — it’s like being one of Charlie Manson’s girls, Squeaky Fromme, Sadie Mae Glutz, and Patricia Krenwinkle — no offense to his Magnificence! I’d be the black one, Black Stabby…
Posted by Sword-chinned bitch | May 12, 2012, 21:15honoUred, but I’ll let you get away with it this time, because I like that you chose to call yourself Black Stabby for this fiasco.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 21:36Congrats meizac. I’m glad it was you and not me. I’m working 11 hour shifts right now and I don’t have time to be at his highness’s beck and call….that, and I’m fucking lazy.
Posted by writerwendyreid | May 12, 2012, 22:08Wendy,
That hurts. Ouch.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 22:10You know je t’aime, but I couldn’t do you proud with the tiny amount of free time I have right now…my job sucks.
Posted by writerwendyreid | May 12, 2012, 22:21Wendy,
I’m keeping you for the right time…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 22:22Yeah, it’s kind of an enormous pain in the ass. The only reason I’m doing it is because I get to decide what all future personal assistants will be called. Some kind of pay back for the majority of you voting us Carnies FFS.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 22:16I wanted Circus Freaks. Nobody listened.
Posted by writerwendyreid | May 12, 2012, 22:28Well, unfortunately, if you are ever awarded the coveted position of Le Clown’s personal assistant, you will still have to go by the new title I come up with.
I know.
It’s not fair.
Life’s not fair.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 22:32Meizac,
So far, you rock. Don’t let it get to your head. And Happy Mother’s Day to you.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 22:33Nice job couching it with the “so far,” Le Clown. Jen and Stacie set the bar really freaking high…and I’m short.
But I love a good challenge.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 22:35Welcome back Le Clown. It’s good to see you back, how’s Le Sara and Le Kids? Holy Farking Ballony what is “personal-assistant tag team”. Did I forget to say WHAT?
Posted by Ink. [Anette] | May 12, 2012, 22:36Anette,
I will remind you by email. Probably Facebook, so you won’t mistake my emails for the spam you receive from your mom.
Everyone is ok. I’ll write a post tomorrow about the last few days. It’s good to have you back. I’m still not fully here, yet…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | May 12, 2012, 22:38Clown be advised: I no longer use email or face. Both are infiltrated by ice lately (since Jen post). My telep channel is still open, will telep channel numb tonight.
Happy everyone is okay in spite of terrible abduction to Lawland.
Posted by Ink. [Anette] | May 12, 2012, 23:18Telep send. Did you get it?
Posted by Ink. [Anette] | May 12, 2012, 23:19I see that the combined awesomeness of Jen, Stacie and me is making you rethink your proposal to Le Clown. Good thinking. You wouldn’t believe how demanding he is.
Posted by meizac | May 12, 2012, 22:39Dear meizac I have no idea what you’re talking about or referring too. Both my memory and referringness is limited by shorttermnes and I’m not even sure what I’m doing here…. where am I?
Posted by Ink. [Anette] | May 12, 2012, 23:23I see what you’re doing, Anette. You’re a smart one.
Posted by meizac | May 13, 2012, 08:04Damn, the comments are as good as the blog. This is my kind of circus.
Le Clown, how do you take your coffee, s’il vous plait? (Please note that I remember approximately ten words from my one year of high school French.)
Posted by purplemary54 | May 13, 2012, 00:38Purlpemary54,
I like you already, because you have the word ‘purple’ in your name, and my favoUrite coloUr is purple.
I must warn you, though, that comments like the one you’ve made will get you only one thing…a job as Le Clown’s personal assistant. Be very, very careful.
Meizac
Posted by meizac | May 13, 2012, 08:03Only if I can put it on my resume.
Posted by purplemary54 | May 13, 2012, 15:36It’s best, actually, to leave it off.
Posted by meizac | May 13, 2012, 15:42I think Wendy’s line was pretty good, but I know you are not a fan of The Jesus.
I think everyone on that list is great. Can’t wait to see what M Mama (my new nickname for her, patent pending) will do!
Posted by Jen and Tonic | May 15, 2012, 02:10