“There is no Eric, there is only Le Clown.”
- Dana Barrett, Ghostbusters (1984)
April 9, 1996. I’m already ahead of myself. Let’s backtrack it by one day. April 8, 1996. Le Clown doesn’t exist, yet. His backbone does: Le Pre-Clown. He’s 26, handsome, smart, funny, charming, a university literature student and a Blockbuster assistant-manager [college is expensive]. Le uber-cocky Pre-Clown comes from a modest background. He’s going to make it big. He compares himself to 19th century delusional uber-cocky fictional characters: Julien Sorel, Eugène de Rastignac and Georges DuRoy. Le Pre-Clown is above everything. His recent parents’ divorce doesn’t impact him, and it comes as no surprise that on the night of April 8th, 1996, Le uber-cocky Pre-Clown declines his father’s invitation to meet him for coffee. Le Pre-Clown needs a good wake-up call.
Tuesday, April 9, 1996. 10am. Le Pre-Clown is working an 8-hour shift. He abhors the blue Oxford shirt, tie and khaki pants he must wear as an assistant-manager. But he makes it work. He’s an awesome possum. The phone rings: “Blockbuster Video now pre-selling Braveheart with Mel Gibson, Le Pre-Clown speaking how can I help you?“
- “Le Pre-Clown, it’s MJ.” (MJ is my girlfriend. We’re not in love. It’s convenient).
- “MJ, what’s up? I’m working.” What? I am…
- “I left work. I’m sick. Can you come home?“
- “No, I’m working. Take a nap. Eat soup. Watch T.V. I’ll see you later.“
Noon. Clueless is playing. My colleague and I think it’s funny, and when a customer walks towards the counter to rent a video, we let him/her know that we’re bothered; we’re watching Clueless. The phone rings. Same speech.
- “Le Pre-Clown, it’s me again.“
- “What’s up? I’m watching Clueless really busy.“
- “I’m really not feeling good. Can you please come home?“
- “No way, Alicia Silverstone is too funny I really can’t leave the store unattended.“
- “Really? I could sure use some company…“
- “No. Bye.” Seriously.
2pm. The store manager comes in. He wasn’t scheduled until 4pm. But we’re in luck – we’re done with Clueless, and we’re actually working, replenishing the candy rack.
- “Le Pre-Clown, why don’t you go home? I’m here… Take the afternoon off.“
- “Really? Thanks, boss!“
Le Pre-Clown lives 10 minutes away from the Blockbuster store. He’s in no hurry to get back home. MJ is sick. Boring.
- “MJ, I’m home…“
- “Le Pre-Clown, come and sit with me…” Uh oh… I feel a separation coming…
- “I’ve called Blockbuster so you could get a replacement.” MJ starts crying.
- “The police left a message. I picked it up from work.” She’s sobbing. Hard.
- “Your father hung himself this morning. He was found dead with our phone number in his pockets.” … “I’m so, so sorry, Le Pre-Clown.“
And at that very moment, Le uber-cocky Pre-Clown died.
Le uber-cocky Pre-Clown taking a pee with his dad - circa pre-wake-up call.
Frown
Posted by Clandestine Cuba | April 9, 2012, 07:41Betty,
Smile.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 08:59….
Posted by meizac | April 9, 2012, 07:49….
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 09:03Le Clown
You say that Sara is THE writer, and I do not question her abilities, as she is a beautiful writer. However, you also have an ability here.
I was left mouth agape when I read that post. I don’t know what I was prepared for as I was reading, but it wasn’t your father’s suicide.
I am glad that you wrote this, as there is not enough talk about mental health and suicide. I also imagine/hope that it must have been helpful to you to have written it.
Meizac
Posted by meizac | April 9, 2012, 10:03Meizac,
Your comment made me smile, and thank you for saying these nice things abouy my writing. It’s always a pleasure to read, of course.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 13:08What can one say?
Posted by DeeDee | April 9, 2012, 08:41DeeDee,
It’s the first thing I have ever written on my father’s passing. It took me 16 years to do so. So believe me when I say I understand not knowing what could be said about this.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 08:43Wow! just wow…
Posted by Jennifer Worrell | April 9, 2012, 09:01Jennifer,
Thanks. And I got over Clueless, too.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 09:50Wow, so sad!
Posted by jennysserendipity | April 9, 2012, 09:05Jenny,
It’s a heavy post, but I’m happy to have written it.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 09:07Sometimes, we just need to do that to set ourselves free. Went through a period of depression and almost lost myself with it. Luckily, I had to save myself.
Posted by jennysserendipity | April 9, 2012, 09:15I am sending you a hug. It may be awkward as my hugs are, but it’s there.
Jenn
Posted by springfieldfem | April 9, 2012, 09:45Jenn,
I am awkwardly hugging you back.
Hope you had a nice weekend, too.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 09:51I can only image what it took to write this post. Much love, and especially peace, to you
Posted by inphiluencer | April 9, 2012, 10:03Phil,
It took about 1 hour and 30 minutes, and a few sighs…
Thanks, Phil, really.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 12:37I would bet you have a different reaction now when someone is trying to get you home…
Sad and tragic, your Dad. I am glad you wrote of it. Even in the face of tragedy, you bring out the funnies. ♥
Posted by bipolarmuse | April 9, 2012, 10:04BPMuse,
It changed my perspective on a few things, that’s for sure…
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 12:38Amazing. I’ll email you later …
Thank you for writing this.
Posted by transparentguy | April 9, 2012, 10:20Transman,
Email received. Email about to be answered.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 12:39I just felt my heart crack abit..
le sigh…..
Posted by free penny press | April 9, 2012, 10:48FPP,
I’m sorry. Put it back together, please.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 12:39Thank you for sharing this story.
Posted by Shannon.Kennedy | April 9, 2012, 11:09Shannon,
Thank you for reading it.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 12:40I also appreciate your sharing this…
Posted by Sword-chinned bitch | April 9, 2012, 11:16SCB,
I’m always happy top have you here.
Thanks for reading, seriously.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 12:41As you know, I always have something to say about everything. But not today; this has a terrible beauty and is complete in and of itself; there’s nothing to add.
Posted by Smaktakula | April 9, 2012, 11:43Smak,
You’re the man. And thank you.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 12:41Nice Le Clown. Indeed. Where’s my header image?
Posted by Ink. [Anette] | April 9, 2012, 12:07I’m out of Kleenex again.
Posted by Ink. [Anette] | April 9, 2012, 12:09Anette,
Your header is with the Kleenex box. They’re having a moment.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 12:42Yearh… so am I… You know, could you like, er, make a secret sign or something in the headline when you post killing-sad-things. I fell straight in ’cause I love MASH and then I got angry and then I wrote a cold and terrible message and then I started to cry and then I felt bad and sad at the same time and then I ran out of Kleenex and now I just wish I didn’t like MASH. I’m sorry okay.
Posted by Ink. [Anette] | April 9, 2012, 12:53Anette!
I thought about writing a DISCLAIMER at the beginning of the post, and it didn’t feel right. So Le Clown wrote a few bloggers last night who he thought the content might have a negative effect on, and didn’t think to include you.
Le Clown is still very happy you read.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 12:59Eric,
Fucking Canada, I tell you what. That really fucking sucks! Sorry. Sorry, Sorry. My heart now bleeds for you Le Clown, because that fucking sucks. Loves and Warm hugs, because 15 years still doesn’t replace the hole, right? Fuck. Now I feel stupid for writing about a stupid dentist phobia.
Heart You,
Kreta
Posted by kzackuslheureux | April 9, 2012, 12:52Kreta,
Off to read your post. Dentist phobia is the worst, Le Clown takes it very seriously.
Thanks. Much love back,
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 13:00I feel sad for you, sad for the regrets you must have felt all those years, sad for the regrets you probably still feel but glad that you could finally write about it. Guilt, regrets…terrible things to live with but unfortunately, it is part of everyone’s life. At the time, you were who you were..the pre-clown, Eric, whatever you want to call him…but that person, even with his flaws and uber-cockiness was loved and cared about by friends and family. Don’t wish that you were different then.
You are the person you are today because of who you were then.
Your father’s passing was a terrible thing, I can’t imagine the sadness that he felt, the sadness that you felt and still feel to this day. All I wanted to say really was…enjoy the good memories! and learn to accept the not so good ones…it’s all part of the game of life.
Huggz and lots of love to you and your family xoxoxoxo
Posted by Lili | April 9, 2012, 13:31Lili,
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
Le Clown doesn’t wish he was someone different back then. He’ll write a post about it soon. He was just uber-cocky and arrogant, and the point of this post was to admit that he learned a great deal from his father’s passing. And today, he can get inspired by Le Pre-Clown when it comes to his blog persona.
You’re very kind,
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 13:36Losing a father like that is like…losing a father like that. The hole in my heart goes out to yours.
Posted by paralaxvu | April 9, 2012, 13:35Paralaxvu,
I have nothing. You said it all.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 18:26That’s a brave post for a silly clown. Your sad is as inspiring as your happy. Who would any of us be without the damage that parent-child relationships unintentionally inflict?
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | April 9, 2012, 13:44Stacie,
Correction: a silly HANDSOME clown.
Le Clown
(thanks)
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 18:33I don’t want to be accused of objectifying you, clown. Canadians don’t mess around with the shit.
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | April 9, 2012, 23:05Oops. That shit. Not the shit. “The shit” is totally objectifying shit.
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | April 9, 2012, 23:07My Dear Friend Le Clown,
I only have awe and squishy hugs for you.
Your posts are wonderful things to read.
With great respect
Veggiewitch ♥
Posted by Veggiewitch | April 9, 2012, 14:02VW,
Le Clown is slowly answering all comments…
And while I look at all of them, I’m always happy to see you on each post.
Le Very Lucky Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 10, 2012, 15:13As an avid writer and reader, I have to say that this post was wonderfully written. It made quite an impact, even though you warned me in advance about it via email. (Thank you for doing that. It was so considerate.) As someone said in a comment above, there really are no words. All I can do is send you a big hug.
Note: I like you even more because my brother was also a Blockbuster assistant manager once. He made the shirt, tie and khakis work too because he’s cool like that. He too was–excuse me IS–handsome, smart, funny, charming, and most of all a big clown.
Sending you some more hugs <3
Lisa
Posted by Lisa Ann | April 9, 2012, 14:35oh, my god, clown. is that story true? oh dear god. i’m so sorry clowny. that is just feckin’ terrible, i don’t care how long ago it happened. jesus. and you wrote it so well too. oh, clowny, moving and spot on and man, oh, man, i just don’t have enough words for the places this piece touched, but i’m not kidding you when i say – i owe my father a phone call and i’m going to call him now. i’m glad i read this. i’m glad you wrote it. – mother
Posted by sweetmother | April 9, 2012, 15:32I really don’t know what to say Clown, except I’m so sorry. This piece is very powerful stuff.
Posted by onlyspartanwomen | April 9, 2012, 18:56OSW,
Thank you. I’ve been reading comments and trying to reply but nothing comes.
I’ll take a raincheck on it all.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 19:01Le Clown,
eesh.
-the howler and me
Posted by the howler and me | April 9, 2012, 19:12THAM,
Thanks for reading.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 9, 2012, 19:16Le Clown,
Tears. (Now I got that out of the way)
Cheers,
E
Posted by wheresmytbackandotherstories | April 9, 2012, 20:07I’m torn. I want to “like” the post but I don’t really like the post. I mean, I don’t like what the post says. But I like that it is said. Or the way it’s said. But I don’t like liking it cause… well, how can one like such a thing?
Le hug
Posted by SummerSolsticeGirl | April 9, 2012, 20:46My thoughts, in order: You are a clever writer. I am jealous of Poppy cause she has uber smart parents and will likely be a literary genius, with a good sense of humor and badass style. I’m tempted to quote Clueless, but am afraid it will seem insensitive. I’m really sad about your father. I’m surprised you didn’t write about this earlier. 52 comments is a lot of comments. I wish I had something better to say…my heart is sad for you.
Posted by DFB | April 9, 2012, 21:13So sad… And the MASH theme song is very appropriate here; the lyrics are also very sad. “‘Cause suicide is painless….”
Posted by Randomdeviations | April 9, 2012, 22:49The synchronization painfully punctuated. Incredibly touching, thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
Posted by Mari Sanchez Cayuso | April 10, 2012, 00:32Wow! Powerful piece.
I won’t offer you hugs, inspirational words, or tears….sorry, that’s just not me. Very well written,
clever, humorous, and I definitely wasn’t expecting the ending….which was well handled.
Posted by Alex Autin | April 10, 2012, 09:02Alex,
This morning, I wouldn’t want to read anything else than what you’ve just written.
I’ll be back to tomorrow with my normal programming.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 10, 2012, 09:04Holy shit.
That’s awful.
I really should’ve taken my mom up on the offer to come over for Easter to have dinner with her and my dad.
Posted by Adrienne schmadrienne | April 10, 2012, 14:17Adrienne,
That happened last century. It’s old news.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 14, 2012, 07:58Clown, good sir, you continue to amaze me with your words. Moving, heartfelt, and still funny. Great read.
Posted by billmcmorrow | April 10, 2012, 23:15Bill,
Thanks. I’ve been rather busy clowning that I have forgotten to thank greet peeps like you. So thank you, great peep.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | April 14, 2012, 07:59Eric,
xxoo
Brigitte
Posted by Brigitte | September 11, 2012, 09:57This was vivid and heartbreaking. I feel strange hitting the Like button, so won’t.
Posted by calahan | September 11, 2012, 11:12Le Calahan,
This post was extremely difficult to write. I remember crying when I first read it myself. You don’t need to hit LIKE of course, but I thank you for reading through it.
Eric
Posted by Le Clown | September 11, 2012, 11:14How could I not read through something like that? You put your pain, anger and guilt out there for the world, it deserves to be read.
On a positive note, you’re not still working at Blockbuster.
Posted by calahan | September 11, 2012, 11:21I never know what to say about these sort of things, Le Clown. I wish I had a better voice and less social anxiety of what the right and wrong things to say are. I guess all I can think of to say is “I’m sorry”, but those words never seem to be enough.
On another note, I worked at Blockbuster as well. I had to go Downtown to a Blockbuster for a group training thing.
But at the Blockbuster I worked at, an assistant manager kept saying how stupid girls are to another male colleague (right in front of me) and how we would only be good for getting customers to come in by putting us out on Taschereau (do you know that street?) in bikinis holding signs saying “Come to Blockbuster” on them. What a great guy he was. I quit and he called me, begging me to come back and not send in a complaint to the head office. “I was just going to make you employee of the month” he said. Bullshit.
Anyways, all that to say that it seems we both have little things in common. Small world. And I’m sorry….
Posted by Marie - Good Morning, Joe | January 30, 2013, 13:51