This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for some time. It could have been the About section of this blog, but I rant too much, and I suffer from acute verbo-motor disorder. My About section would have dissuaded all but Norman Mailer from following me. Ok, him too.
My brain writes faster than my fingers. Make sense out of that.
A year ago, while in the prime of my adolescence, I drafted a first blog post. Back then, if I remember my youth correctly, I had opted for Tumblr. The blog concept was simple: a melting pot of Instagram, Hipstamatic, photoshopped images, and a little written content [fatherhood, pop culture, work, frogs, life with Sara, and so on...]. One night, coming back from work in a very crowded bus, I quickly penned something about a well-known and well-respected creative writer working for a well-known and well-respected Montreal marketing agency. I liked the guy. I liked his style. I liked the tribute I paid him.
Granted, it needed revision and editing (my wife will look over what I write before I publish a post. If I could write like Sara, I wouldn’t hide behind a beard, a fedora hat, and sunglasses when I go out.) The next morning, I sent a very rough draft to this person as a courtesy, and obviously, for his approval of the piece. I’m at the office when the phone rings. It’s him. I’m nervous. He’s big cheese. What I remember from that one-way phone conversation is this: “Make sure you remove my name and any similarities to me. You can’t write worth shit”. I held the phone receiver for a few minutes after he hung up, stunned. Nauseated.
I immediately renounced blogging.
I’ve made [some] peace with that phone conversation. I’ve made [some] peace with my writing, too. I write in conversational Frenglish. This is not isolated to vocabulary, either. I use French syntax. I’m also really fond of “and” and “but”, but not so much in the same sentence, but and I can now use the Oxford comma.
I like Ike to write. I like receiving personal emails about my writing ["... your writing encouraged me from the start. I so appreciate that..." How f*cking sweet is that?]. I like making you believe in my uber-inflated ego on-line persona, when it is so much worse in real life. I like obsessing over my stats. I like looking at my wife rolling her eyes when I obsessively check my stats. I like to use the word f*ck, and pretend that using an asterisk makes a difference. I like following bloggers, and unfollowing some. I like reading you (not YOU though – you totally suck ass – but nice meeting you anyway).
And I like blogging. But. And. But. End.
The way Edward Gorey really intended the letter E.
That was funny, good post =)
Posted by Dale Smurthwaite | March 6, 2012, 08:00Thank you, mister.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 09:30I got to give you a high five for putting the Edward Gory in there at the end.
Posted by atothewr | March 6, 2012, 08:12He asked me personally. I couldn’t say no.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 09:31Gave me an idea. I think I am going to start posting some of his pics in my blog. My wife loves his stuff.
Posted by atothewr | March 6, 2012, 09:33Dear clown,
I think you can write and I’m much more important than some loser creative writing shite who has to work in MARKETING.
Love Dotty xxx
p.s. Don’t unfollow me or I’ll hack your blog and cover it with smiley faces.
Posted by Dotty Headbanger | March 6, 2012, 09:05You’re the reason for this blog, Dotty.
I’ll follow you till the end of internet.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 09:31David Foster Wallace use “But and” together all the time, and no one ever calls him a bad writer, unless they’re stupid.
Posted by Brent Waggoner | March 6, 2012, 09:38Infinite Jest is the next novel on my list.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 11:26The last one you’ll ever need.
Posted by Brent Waggoner | March 6, 2012, 14:42I’ve been staring at Infinite Jest since I got it in December. It’s mocking me because I read all three Hunger Games books instead.
Posted by CJack | March 6, 2012, 14:42Well, quite frankly, I think your writing is pretty good. Conversational English writing is more accessible to a wider audience. Hurrah for the Oxford comma!
I’ve been told that my writing is too academic for an academic publication.
Posted by DeeDee | March 6, 2012, 09:56Thank you, DeeDee. It’s encouraging and now I feel I will indulge endlessly in very long and interminable psychobabble.
You don’t tweet like an academic, if it’s any consolation.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 11:28Great post – I think you have a pretty likeable style and you maybe should judge your blog worth from both the following you have and the nice comments you keep getting. Everyone can be a critic but they can’t argue against the stats, man. Take it from one who also obsesses over his starts (though I suspect your are MUCH more impressive than mine – I mostly cry over mine).
I’m sure your ego in real life is even worse than you paint it though
But don’t, oh please, use the Oxford comma…the only use is the disuse.
Posted by kenthinksaloud | March 6, 2012, 10:12I’m having conflicting messages about the Oxford comma… And as my wife is much cuter (no offence), I’ll take her word for it.
Thanks, Ken.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 11:50pfft..you say that without meeting me first. Heartbreaker.
Posted by kenthinksaloud | March 6, 2012, 12:08well f*ck that guy, I think you are a great and funny writer!
Posted by carlarenee45 | March 6, 2012, 10:21You handle the use of the asterisk with gusto. Kudos.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 11:30well I hardly ever say that word at all anymore but the asterisk was of course in honor of you lol
Posted by carlarenee45 | March 6, 2012, 13:55We’ve built a Carla Renee shrine in our living room to celebrate you.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 13:59Ah, don’t fret. You write very well for someone recently thawed from the wastelands of Montreal.
Stat checking comes with the territory, it’s good to know that your writing is being read, otherwise you might as well be having a conversation with yourself.
Posted by addzi | March 6, 2012, 10:22Don’t underestimate one’s conversation with one’s self.
Some of the best I had… that is, if I actually listen to what I’m saying to myself.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 11:42As I’ve said before… Wunder-Mensch. What kind of a writer would you be if you DIDN’T obsess over your writing? My guess is bland… you, sir, are from from it. Bravo!
Posted by Veggiewitch | March 6, 2012, 12:00VW, I have to tell you you’ve been terrible for my ego.
We’re trying to keep it under control, remember?
It’s knocking at our door again, screaming: LET ME IN! LET ME IN! You know you want me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 12:19ROFL!
Posted by Veggiewitch | March 6, 2012, 12:21Oh my god. What a Dick. Don’t ever listen to ppl like that. They’re not worth a shit or to use the French, merde…
Posted by sweetmother | March 6, 2012, 12:55He was a real ass. When I worked with the guy, I enjoyed him because he was blunt, and didn’t weigh his words. His comments were usually hard to hear, but often fair.
The morning he called me, he lashed out. There was nothing constructive in his remarks. He didn’t like what I said about him, and made me pay for it.
That was then.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 13:14I like the but end.
Posted by poetryofamadman | March 6, 2012, 14:00Thank you. One of the great highlights of my life.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 14:01A crowning achievement, no doubt.
Posted by poetryofamadman | March 6, 2012, 14:05Don’t let my snarky remarks fool you.
Thank you for liking my but/end.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 14:18I don’t think I’ve heard it called “the Oxford comma,” but I know what you’re talking about and — absolutely true story — I’ve been thinking about writing a post about how annoyed I am with my own dependence on that particular sentence structure. I didn’t think anyone would get it.
Every good (fill in the blank) has endured harsh criticism. Wear it like a badge of hono(u)r and write on!
Posted by Hippie Cahier | March 6, 2012, 18:14We’re synced.
I’m convinced we’re wearing the same purple socks, too.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 18:23Clowner,
I am soooooo AVMD today! That would be “acute verbo-motor disorder” to the layman.
Could you PLEASE make sure you write about me, using my name. And please include any similarities to me because your writing is F*CKING AWESOME, daaaaaammmmnnnnn IIIIIIIIIIIIIT… !!!”
Uncle
PS- I found “F*CK” from you. I use it all the time. You should copy-write it, yo.
Posted by The Uncle In The Attic | March 6, 2012, 19:01Now I’ll just screw with you, fu*k.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 20:08I don’t know how to quite take that double entendre.
Posted by The Uncle In The Attic | March 7, 2012, 09:34If someone says “You can’t write worth shit” without explanation, ignore it.
I now know about the “Oxford comma.”
… and you can write worth shit.
… and I like Edward Gorey.
Posted by Curmudgeon-at-Large | March 6, 2012, 20:21But I’m such a delicate little creature.
… and I’m happy to see you here.
… and I thought I was following you.
… and I was so f*cking wrong.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 20:24Welcome to the club, brotha’!
Posted by Sudo Nimm | March 6, 2012, 20:51Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.
And f*ck the quotation marks.
Posted by clownonfire | March 6, 2012, 21:04Dude, you can write. You’re just fishing for our compliments. Well you got mine. You can totally write.
Posted by daddyranman | March 7, 2012, 08:16You see right through me, Daddy Ranman.
Posted by clownonfire | March 7, 2012, 08:23We all need to fish now and then. Let’s wrassle up a fishing party. There’s a small lake nestled between two mountains in the valley over. You Hillbillies would call it a “F*cking BIIIIIIIG holler” cuz the Rockies are a ball of yarn in Rockford, IL (before the tornado of ’08) compared to a knitting basket in Appalachia.
Post Script: The British enunciation of “holler” is hilarious. It sounds like “Hold up!” if it was an EVP. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/holler
Posted by The Uncle In The Attic | March 7, 2012, 08:35Uncle, you have been hired as my agent.
Posted by clownonfire | March 7, 2012, 08:40An honor. But… ah… Wouldn’t that require my LEAVING the attic? And Heather would make a terrible proxy.
Posted by The Uncle In The Attic | March 7, 2012, 09:06I just saw your comment under mine on sweetmother’s site. And then this (I love to start sentences with conjunctions). I like you just the way you are, which really should mean nothing to you because you don’t know me. But still.
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | March 8, 2012, 10:45Validation from complete strangers mean more than the subjective validation of the woman who gave birth to me.
We’re now BFFs 4EVS
COF.
Posted by clownonfire | March 8, 2012, 10:482GOOD
2B
4GOTTEN
Right on….
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | March 8, 2012, 10:53Word.
Posted by clownonfire | March 8, 2012, 10:53And sweetmother rocks, right?
Posted by clownonfire | March 8, 2012, 10:48Love her.
Posted by Stacie Chadwick | March 8, 2012, 10:53goddamn it, clowny, made me search for you two on here, as if i were chasing you both through the high school corridors, which, rest assured, i would do. momma loves you back, both of you, bursting….aaaaaaahhhhhh.
Posted by sweetmother | March 8, 2012, 13:14That creative writer airhead treats other people the way small people would, he can’t really be all that big. And he knows that and can’t accept that and is probably the reason why he smells like a rotten vagina.
Grrr, he and his sort of people really freeze my happy nerves.
Posted by happinessisnotadisease | June 21, 2012, 12:52HINAD,
You’re awesome!! He’s actually extremely good, I would say almost a genius in what he does. When I wrote the piece on him, I thought I was being eloquent about how amazing I thought he was by speaking his mind in meetings. But the way he approached me and treated me, I lost all respect for him as a human being, even if I think he’s a brilliant creative writer. He just didn’t speak his mind with me, he was hurtful, and mean.
Eric
Posted by clownonfire | June 21, 2012, 12:59I personally believe we have to learn to be human firsts before we can be anything. That writer seems to have lost his humanity. It’s a pity he learned so much but forgot things (e.g. RESPECT) which are taught even in kindergarten.
Or he must have had a really bad day.
Still what he did is inexcusable. He could have declined politely, but his approach proves some people are incurable a-holes. It’s pretty noble of you not to namedrop because I would just love to stalk his work and tell him how he sucks. But if I do then I would be no better than him.
Don’t believe him, you clown. And don’t stop blogging unless you really need a brain surgery. But until then, humor us. Now high five!
Posted by happinessisnotadisease | June 21, 2012, 13:08Everyone has their own style. I, for one, adore your writing and for someone to dismiss you like that is positively ass-y. See. I made up a word. ASS-Y.
j
Posted by springfieldfem | June 22, 2012, 01:36Jenn,
Welcome back, and awesome avatar, might I add!
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | July 3, 2012, 19:01I’ve had a bit of a meander round your blog. Whoever said you can’t write… well I hope he trips over today and scrapes his shins. And tomorrow too, for good measure.
Going back to read more of your blog now.
Posted by Matilda | July 3, 2012, 01:15Matilda,
Thanks! I’ve now recovered from his hurtful bashing of my verve. Now, when I think of it, I remind myself: Le Clown, don’t feel bad! He’s a poo poo head.
Le Clown
Posted by clownonfire | July 3, 2012, 19:05Oxford comma
Posted by Kylie | January 3, 2013, 21:34