I’m into facial hair… My facial hair, of course, although I have tremendous respect for other notable beardsmen of my generation: Broken Social Scene’s Brendan Canning, Iron and Wine’s Sam Beam, hockey playoff beards – unless you play for the Toronto Maple Leafs. My wife/daughter, not so much.
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I’ve been living with an almost uncontrollable Bendan Canning-beard fetish for years now. Sometimes, I think I enjoy Broken Social Scene just because of his beard. |
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Some people think Sam Beam looks like Jesus – the blue-eyed, fair hair, Caucasian tree hugger Jesus. But they’re wrong. That was Robert Powell. |
I’m currently sporting a week old beard. And I like it. I think it looks good great. When I catch my reflection in the mirror, I stop and smile. And that sexy beardsman smiles back, and I can’t help to think: “Man, you’re hot”. But you see, a head hunter contacted me yesterday. He thinks he has a job for me, and he’d like to meet. That means I’ll probably have to shave that soft, cuddly duvet… Is a new job worth it?
And then there’s my wife. Last year, when I was the proud owner of a real hipster douchebag beard, she said one day: “Looks good great, but YOU try and kiss facial pubes”.
And then there’s my daughter. I have no clue what she thinks, or what she babbles. But when she stares at my beard, and her eyes become red, and she levitates, and she foams from the mouth, and the light flickers, and the skies turn dark, I do whatever the f*ck she wants.
There’s only one way this can end, and it’s with a sad and broken razor blade after a sordid one-time affair.
A [Modest] Beard Retrospective
[For your viewing pleasure, all pictures are clickable]
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The Julius Caesar – if Caesar ever sported a beard that is. It was Thanksgiving 2011. My father-in-law took this picture. I was in a terrible mood. But who wears “bad mood” as good as I do, right? |
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The “Wolverine”. The “Rockstar”. The “Hipster Douchebag”. Call it what you want, it’s le f*cking “Magnifique”. |
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The Doodle Beard. A portrait by my wife. I think she was trying to convey a message. It was received loud and clear: I’m hot, even as a doodle. |
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The “Hobo”. At least, that’s the comment I hear most often when I show this picture. It is also a photoshopped picture of the whole family (left eye – Poppy; right eye – TWP; mouth – Sara). An attempt to show that even as a bearded family, we kick ass. |
I hate myself for it, but I’m very fond of the “Douchebag” beard myself.
Uncle
Posted by The Uncle In The Attic | March 1, 2012, 09:21You’ve just won the 269th Comment award!!
You’ve been therefore added to my blogroll.
Congrats,
COF
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 09:36Delicious!
Posted by The Uncle In The Attic | March 1, 2012, 09:51Trim it, don’t shave it!!!
Posted by Matthieu Anfosso | March 1, 2012, 09:43I might go for a Brazilian-trimmed beard.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 09:53Once I can grow one, I ain’t looking back … even if I do scare small children and give my girlfriend a rash.
Posted by transparentguy | March 1, 2012, 11:05Kids get scared by their own shadows.
I’m scared of Poppy’s shadow.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 12:34I’m scared of clowns, yet I’ve overcome it to befriend you. This proves the human mind is capable of anything.
Posted by transparentguy | March 1, 2012, 12:37really funny, a great read, and who doesn’t like a beard? i even took one to my prom…
Posted by sweetmother | March 1, 2012, 11:10Right? Beards; a sunny summer day; sleeping in – all interchangeable life’s little pleasures.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 12:37Beards FTW! I think if my mister shaved his goatee I’d have to run away screaming…
Posted by Veggiewitch | March 1, 2012, 11:47FTW IMO too.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 12:37I’m with your wife. It’s hard to be on the receiving end of a facial hair…or what I like to call “the scratchies.”
Posted by thoughtsappear | March 1, 2012, 12:09Here’s her address. You can discuss face pubes and other scratchies, and plot for world domination.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 12:59You had me at “Julius Cesar” – mmmmm….
Posted by Eva Halloween | March 1, 2012, 12:19Julius Caesar thanks you. He told me personally.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 12:30ab imo pectore
Posted by Eva Halloween | March 1, 2012, 12:42Lorem ipsum to that.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 12:45A couple of years ago, inspired by Men Who Stare At Goats , I honed my Jedi powers to work remotely on getting Brad Pitt to get rid of his facial hair.
It worked, briefly.
Posted by Hippie Cahier | March 1, 2012, 12:41Using midi-chlorians to encourage someone to shave his beard is not the work of a Jedi, but of a Sith.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 12:44Thanks, Claudia.
The only truly-genuine-out-of-his-mouth comment was “You’re ugly with a beard”.
I took some literary liberties with the rest.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 13:28he he
Still awesome!
Posted by SummerSolsticeGirl | March 1, 2012, 13:31I was a month in my latest beard attempt when I found out you could actually shampoo it to soften it up. I’m sure every other male since the beginning of time (or shampoo) knew that, but that was that for me. Still got rid of it, though. Living with women sucks sometimes.
Posted by scottissterling | March 1, 2012, 15:19Would you be equally as adamant if it was her with the beard?
Given the choice between bearded or married, I’ll take the latter.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 17:07Perso j’adore les barbes et Luc aussi mais, malheureusement pour nous, afin d’arborer une magnifique barbe comme la tienne ça prendrai 5 ans en moyenne (enfin dans mon cas un peu moins (je suis une femme de l’Est
), mais Luc est très déficient côté pilosité…). Il a d’ailleurs gardé sa moustache de movember car ça lui a pris une éternité pour la faire pousser lol…Tu devrais trimmer ta barbe pour l’entrevue mais ne la coupe pas !!! C’est bien trop virile une barbe !
Posted by magda627 | March 1, 2012, 16:50Luc n’a pas besoin de pilosité faciale pour étaler publiquement sa virilité comme tant d’hommes doivent le faire. Luc est l’homme-mâle. Luc, I look up to you.
Posted by clownonfire | March 1, 2012, 18:04lololololol d’ailleurs son nom de mâle virile est “Khul”, prononcé un peu à la mode “viking”
…mais surtout SHUTTTTT ! Ne lui dis pas que tu le sais lol
Posted by magda627 | March 1, 2012, 18:41I had a beard for a year or two but I’m Greek, so I have hair in places monkeys don’t so I ended up shaving the beard off just so I’d have someplace the sun could get through and give me a tan.
Posted by HoaiPhai | March 15, 2012, 10:19HoaiPhai,
I feel I should read more of your blog as by your moniker, I thought you were Scandinavian.
CoF
Posted by clownonfire | March 15, 2012, 16:15Beards ( as a cultural trend ) are over. I should know, I helped end them. The down side is that I can never grow one if i wanted to. That would be ironic. I also helped make hipster a dirty word. In return I was public ally chastised without the opportunity to defend myself. It was worth it.
Posted by Carl | January 11, 2013, 14:38Carl,
Does playing a Fender 400 with a beard give you more street cred?
Le Clown
Posted by Le Clown | January 11, 2013, 14:55